July 2004 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 6 Issue 6
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 August 1st - 14th  July 15th - 31st  July 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Nothing Intimidating About Carrier Movements Claims Navy Rear
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Rear Admiral "Pork and Beans" Jensen of the United States Navy announced plans this month to deploy 7 out of the 12 US aircraft carrier groups for naval exercises around the globe.

"This has nothing to do with us trying to politically bully our enemies and potential enemies. In fact, our enemies should not feel threatened at all by the fact that each carrier has the capability to launch and retrieve 90 planes a day and carries a crew of nearly 6,000 able bodied sailors. And that's just on the carrier. We also wouldn't want our enemies to feel threatened by the men and armaments aboard each carrier group's destroyers and cruisers either."

"And don't let the fact that the US has traditionally used the carrier group to influence regional politics give you the idea that we are committing to the same situation. This is not the case. And the fact this is a record breaking deployment of US Naval power should not bother our enemies at all either."

When asked if the Admiral was expecting any difficulties from foreign powers during this extended exercise, the Admiral's reply was. "Did I mention the cruise missiles our enemies shouldn't be scared of? The ones that can fly down chimneys and ventilation shafts and into bunkers? I almost forgot about those. Our enemies shouldn't be scared of those too."


Well, They Coulda Made Weapons Claims Bush

The Bush Administration recently released a statement from President Bush Monday justifying the recent Iraqi War.

"Oh, it's all right," Bush was quoted as saying, "all that matters is that they coulda made weapons of mass destruction. If this flies think of all the oil we can retrieve from other countries that coulda made WMD as well.

"Better still, think of the potential if this excuse flies with the American people. Canada, of course, could potentially attack the US and Mexico could attack us too, so I say we go in there and preemptively shock and awe those sons a bitches back to the Stone Age."

When asked how the Canadian and Mexican governments reacted to his pronouncement, Bush's only comment was, "Come on, like I give a shit. Everyone knows they've been asking for it since my father invaded them in January of 91."

In another harrowing attempt at precedent setting Tuesday, Bush declared. "We have removed a declared enemy of America and all the world is safer for it. That's what you get for not liking America, a good old fashioned Texan ass whooping."


Bush To Collect Presidential Documents
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Documents from the Clinton Era White House have begun the journey to the new Clinton presidential library in downtown Little Rock , Arkansas from their storage area in an old car dealership in the same city. More than 630 tons of documents or some 80 million pages, comprising eight years of the Clinton Presidency will find a home at the Clinton Presidential center on the Arkansas River due to open November 18th.

A spokesman for the Center, Willie (Billy Bob) Waterhouse said, " We chose November 18th specifically. It will be nearly two weeks after the Presidential Elections but well before the Florida Re-Counts are over. As you the Florida Re-Count Season has become a major part of the electoral process and we want to take advantage of the public’s interest in politics during that time. At the same time, we felt that it would be a mistake to open while the Supreme Court was deciding the election again. You’re getting into Riot Season then and it gets a little weird."

Willie Waterhouse’s cousin, Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Those bastards are trying to steal our thunder. Re-Count Season is a Republican Holiday, a time when all Neo-Cons who have been good little Conservatives get the president of their choice, sort of an early Christmas present."

The Bush White House, in a bid to upstage the Clinton Library, has begun to assemble George Bush’s presidential documents. Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of even more anonymity continued, " We in the White House have been busily putting together at least three note pads, nearly sixty pages worth of documents, that will comprise the total unclassified information of George W. Bush’s first four years. Of course we also have three hundred tons of totally blacked out papers that will be shredded and held in a secure vault for the next thousand years, then made available to the public."


LAPD Officers Beat Black Man On Camera

"Why are we reporting this?" Bob Chow, FarceHaven reporter reported Tuesday. "Is this really a surprise? With as often as this happens, in other words, too often, I'm sure we could set up a camcorder somewhere in LA, set a time and a date for filming and have a 75% chance of seeing the same damn thing."

"I think maybe the US military should invade the LAPD and clean the whole lot of them out."

"What scares me most," Chow continued, "is that as a minority, I can totally see myself being pulled over and mistaken for a criminal or karate dummy and being shit kicked by defenders of the public. I'll be rescued by a Catholic priest who will first molest me and then ship me to Germany to make home movies with other priests. Afterwards, the LAPD will ship me off to Abu Ghabi for detention. Then the press will have to look into my whereabouts while I was serving in the National Guard in 1973. Was I at my post or wasn't I? They'll also have to look into whether or not I signed a contract with Haliburton regarding oil in Iraq. Of course, to get this contract, I will have to single-handedly invade and subdue Iraq, but that's life, yes?"


Bush Angry Over "Cheap Thug" Claim

Republican politicians were recently brought to arms over remarks made at a Democratic Party Fundraiser Thursday night by Hollywood and Music industry stars. Most angered by the remarks is the President himself who had much to say about the situation, especially the "Cheap Thug" lyric sung in a song especially written for the event by John Cougar Mellencamp.

"It just goes to show you that musicians aren't the sharpest needles in the haystack," Bush said in an exclusive interview with the FarceHaven. "Doesn't Cougar Mellontramp realize that my salary comes in at exactly four hundred thousand dollars a year? I figure that's about the best damn thing Clinton did for the Presidency.

"Flying Air Force One around to all my campaign events ain't cheap either," the incumbent President added. "That should make me just about the most extensive thug the United States has under its employ. How dare a bourgeois member of the music industry elite short change the expense and sacrafice the American people pay to keep me in office."

"The Hollywood types ain't too bright either," the President shared with a smug smile. "Take Chevy Chase's comment that I'm about as 'bright as an egg timer.' You'd think a man as smart and respected as Chevy Chase would realize that egg timers ain't the brightest things in the world."


Small Movie Chain Finds Fahrenheit Too Hot To Play

A small chain of movie theaters based in BFE Arizona declared last week that they will be refusing to show Michael Moore's now legendary documentary Fahrenheit 911.

"I'm not one for police dramas myself," Misty Treebottom, theater chain owner told the FarceHaven Friday. "They just don't seem very realistic to me."

When asked if the chain would reconsider its decision, Treebottom replied, "We'll I guess if the movie at least attempts to make some sort of social or political statement, I'll consider it, but no one makes important movies anymore. Why we haven't had a movie like Bio Dome or Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure in ten or so years! Is America truly in such a horrid state of decline that Hollywood can't produce a decent movie?"


Cheney To Replace Bush

Vice President Dick Cheney is considering replacing George W. Bush as his running mate in the upcoming election. Sources in the Republican Party have been meeting in secret with Mr. Cheney in an effort to convince him the George Bush has become a liability to the ticket.

Possible replacements to Mr. Bush have been rumored to be Arizona Senator John Mc Cain, Secretary of State Colin Powell or, in an extreme case the dead, festering body of Ronald Reagan. Reagan is a problematic candidate at best; politico’s are trying determine the legality of whether or not a two term President can run again if he’s died in between the time he left office and the time he’s chosen to run again. Apparently the fact the Mr. Reagan is dead in the first place does not seem to affect his chances at being tapped for the Presidential slot as Mr. Cheney would, as usual, make all the major decisions during the term. In the event of Mr. Cheney’s demise Paul Wolfowitz and Karl Rove would share the decision making role in the Administration. Donald Rumsfeld would then be shot.

Being African American is more of a detriment to Colin Powell than being dead is to Ronald Reagan, that and the fact that Mr. Cheney hates his stinking guts. Neo Con kingmakers also have issues with Senator John Mc Cain who has an annoying tendency to tell the truth every now and then, a distinct liability in this Administration. California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s name had also been bandied about, but that would have required taking over Austria as our fifty first state and the Army is stretched too thin already.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Normally, a coup like this would have to be planned in the utmost secrecy, but because we’re talking about George Bush, it’s easy. We’ve been discussing this right in front of him but I don’t think he’s aware of it. Once, down in Crawford, he even asked what we were talking about and we told him we were planning his surprise birthday party. He got all excited and for awhile was even helping us plan until we began to feel bad and sent him out to chainsaw some brush."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bob Chow
Chuck Terzella
John Plante

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself