September 2009 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 11 Issue 9
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 October 1st - 14th  September 15th - 30th  August 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

World's Second Oldest Man Implicated In Murder For Hire Plot
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Rutland, VT:In 1895 this small New England town was less than half its current size. The milkman did a brisk business, doctors made house calls, and little Johnathan Whorton was born. Now, almost 114 years later Johnathan Whorton is accused of using hired guns to advance his quest to become the world's oldest person. Authorities were suspicious when, this past April, the then current world's second oldest person, Teshigawara Akira of Okinawa, Japan died in what appeared to be a carjacking. A further investigation was called for when the facts that Mr. Teshigawara died in his bed at a nursing home and his having not had a driver's license since 1964 came to the attention of police.

The full scale of the plot became apparent when the world's current oldest person, Olivia

Goldsmith of Bayou La Batre, AL narrowly escaped death late last month when her bed was riddled with machine gun fire. Luckily, Mrs. Goldsmith was undergoing dialysis at the time. FBI agents tracked the machinations back to Mr. Whorton after discovering an ad in Soldiers of Fortune magazine that smelt suspiciously like Werther's Original hard candy.

Whorton was apprehended after a brief car chase and gun battle that sent to police officers to the hospital. If convicted on all charges, he could face the death penalty.


Fatso Going Berserk In Anticipation of Universal Health Care
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Berry, AL: Local lard bucket Doug Wain, 33, a corpulent man with neck fat like a pack of hot dogs and perpetually chapped thighs, has thrown his modest self control to the wind on hopes of having government provided health care in the near future. The porcine Wain, a sedulous "four liter a day [of Mountain Dew] man", has completely halted his already insignificant attempts at healthy living, such as adding lettuce to cheeseburgers and walking the two blocks from his home to his local tavern.

"It's been like the weight of the world has been on my shoulders recently. I make okay money since getting my IT certifications, but my insurance premiums have been through the roof now that I'm taking [high blood pressure/high cholesterol medication] Caduet. I've made the sacrifices necessary, but it will finally be nice to have some breathing room" says Wain. Sources close to the tubby man cow, who dips his french fries in cake frosting and drinks pancake syrup straight from the bottle, describe Wain's recent dietary habits as "mind-bendingly unhealthy". Par for the course was a weekend get together soon after the House Ways and Means Committee passed a Democrat sponsored health care reform bill. Scott Le Grand, 30, a close personal friend of the blimpish oaf with stretch-marked elbows, reported the following: Once a year or so we get together to watch Wizard of Oz and listen to Dark Side of the Moon. Usually Doug is more into it than anyone, but this year he was a total dud. He just sat there reading news on his I Phone and pounding Peanut Butter M&Ms. He livened up when we broke out the bong, but mainly he just sat there doing that wheezy breathing thing he does, staring at Google News. As soon as it was over he made a dash to Jack in the Box."

As of press time Wain, a gelatinous mass that makes grilled cheese sandwiches with a quarter block of Velveeta and frozen waffles in place of bread, is reportedly planning a party for the day President Obama signs a bill into law, complete with wall to wall bean bag chairs and a butter sculpture in the form of a swan. Requests for comment were unsuccessful due to Wain's hospitalization for chest pain.


President Obama Human After All
By
Jay Blackemire -- Contributing Author

In a recent off the record remark, President Obama reportedly refferred to Kanye West as a 'jackass' for his behavior at the 2009 MTV Music Video Awards. This comment sent out via Twitter by an ABC journalist has deepened concerns across the nation that Obama does not live up to the hype.

"Why just the other day," Jed McLed told the FarceHaven, "I saw Obama vacationing. He stepped out into the swimming pool and sunk right into the water. And here I thought he was walking to the other side of the pool to get a drink."

Indianian Terry Sanders opined, "I saw Obama after he spoke at a hospital ground breaking. A flu patient shook his hand in gratitude -- a hush filled the room but lo and behold the man still had the flu."

"I don't know what's gotten into him," Clayton Follows former FarceHaven writer added. "Next thing you know, he'll be calling the Republicans a bunch of fear mongering, hate swilling substanceless bastards -- on the record of course. After he single-handledly wins the Iraq and Afghanistan wars that is."

Only time will tell if further cracks will appear in Obama's carefully crafted campaign image, but this reporter will be there to report them.


Girl Scouts Arrested For Leg-Breaking Tactics
Cynical Blast From The Past: May 2005

By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Five Girl Scouts were arrested Friday for Leg Breaking money collection tactics. The Cascading Falls, Rhode Island Police Department has indicated its suspicion that this new wave of Girl Scout violence is part of a new Girl Scouts campaign to collect dead beat cookie money.

"The girls put a lot of work and effort into thier cookie sales," Georgine Sandre Fae of Jericho's Landing Arkansas told the FarceHaven. "It's just absolutely heartbreaking when these deadbeats refuse to pay up. We ask once, we ask twice, we ask three times. Then we send in the enforcers. It's not personal. It's just business."

Trent Stovetopper, the latest victim of this new Girl Scout cookie money collection tactic told the FarceHaven, "It's the scariest thing you'll ever see. These little four-foot tall bitches with commando berets, kevlar vests and black face paint show up to your house with crow bars and hockey sticks. When, I tried to tell them they had the wrong house, one of them called me a 'douche bag' and whacked me in the knees with a crow bar. I'll never play doctor again."

Cascading Falls Police Chief Yanni Yinklemuffin has created a new task force in order to combat this increase in Girl Scout collection activity. Lead by high profile crime buster Kenneth star, this new group known around town as the 'Unintelligibles' have already taken several Scouts into custody and have indicated warrants will be issued for other arrests within the week.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd
John Plante

Contributing Writers:
Jay Blackemire

Issues

2012
Jan 01 - 31
Jan 01 - 31

2011
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Jan 01 - 31

2010
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31
Jan 01 - 31

2009
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28

2008
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14

2007
Nov 15 - 30
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Jan 01 - 31

2006
Sep 15 - 30
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31

2005
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 15 - 31
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 15 - 30
Jun 01 - 14
May 15 - 31
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31

2004
Nov 15 - 30
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 15 - 31
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 15 - 30
Jun 01 - 14
May 15 - 31
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 29
Jan/Feb

2003
Dec 01 - 31
Nov 01 - 30
Oct 01 - 31
Sep 01 - 30
Aug 01 - 31


You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself