June 2004 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 6 Issue 5
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 July 1st - 14th  June 15th - 30th  June 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Bush: He's a Super Phreak
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

John Ashcroft has refused to deliver to a Senate Sub Committee a copy of a 2002 memo that the Justice Department issued at the request of the White House condoning the use of torture and bad words in interrogations of non-military prisoners being detained at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba and later in Iraq.

In a heated discussion with Committee member Senator Joe Biden, John (In God We Trust, Fuck You Heathens) Ashcroft, Attorney General of the United States swore he would hold his breath till he turned blue rather than release a copy of the memo which would, if reports are to be believed, prove that President George W. Bush is really into some kinky shit. Apparently, President Bush first told the Pentagon that it was justified in the use of torture, but the Military, knowing that what comes around goes around and one day their boys and girls could find themselves dressed in a poncho and hood on a box, declined to get involved.

George (Spank Me Laura, I've Been Bad) Bush then went to his fellow Christian John Ashcroft, who not only thought that torture could be legally justified, but that it was pretty hot too. Ashcroft delivered his legal opinion to the Commander in Phreak who then authorized the use of CIA Civilian Operatives to do the actual beatings and degradations, as long as they took lots of pictures that he could keep in his underwear drawer.


Catholicism: It's Our Way or the Hell Way

Due to unpopular recent events in the Catholic Church the Catholic Church public relations and marketing office has begun a new marketing push in an effort to improve the image of the Catholic Church--"It's all about getting back to the basics" said Cardinal Sam Iami. "No more little boys for you mister."

"We've changed all of our hiring practices," said Father Mike Mallrat assistant director of the Catholic Church's marketing department. "We now use a more extensive screening process before we hire Clergy and now we've done some retroactive screening as well. Turns out more than one miracle can be explained away by a popular little weed. So much for Sainthood."

When asked how the Church is going about spreading its message, Mallrat replied. "We've teamed up with Coca Cola and Frito Lay snack products. Soon, you'll see a picture of the Pope on every can and every bag of chips. Hey, if it worked for Shrek, why can't it work for the Vatican?"

"We've also opened a Google Adwords account," Cardinal Sam Iami added. "So when you see that little green box pop up on the right, when you're searching for porn, don't be be surprised if it's one of our ads leading you back to the light."

"My favorite is the Vatican trading cards," exclaimed Father Mallrat. "Now you can collect cards for your favorite Church members, Saints and Sinners! In 2005, there will even be a new line of comic books!"

When asked what other marketing strategies, the group is approaching, Cardinal Iami added, "We're sponsoring a tour with Metallica. They've even written a new song for us, based on our new slogan: It's Our Way or the Hell Way"

When asked if the pair have met any opposition to these new innovative marketing strategies, Cardinal Iami replied. "There's been some, but as far as I'm concerned, if they don't like it, they can go to hell."


Adversity or Edge?
By
Dave O'Karma -- Contributing Author

Ten weeks after quadruple bypass surgery and three weeks removed from the amputation of his left leg, Ed "Moe Rib-No Leg" Edzinski, astounded the competitive eating world by winning his sixth consecutive rib-eating title at the 2004 Cleveland Annual Rib Burn-off.

Sitting in a wheelchair with his left arm deadly slung at his side, "Moe Rib, No Leg" employed the use of a Newco food processor, and was nimbly able to load and ingest 46 ribs in 5 minutes through an attached intravenous device.

"This is the most amazing new technique in competitve eating since Takeru Kobyashi's, Solomon Method, revolutionized the style of eating hotdogs at Coney Island in 2001!" exclaimed, George Shea, president of the International Federation of Competitve Eaters. "It also shows the courage and heart of these special athletes."

Not everyone else in the field was as happy as Shea and Edzinski. Former world doughnut eating champion, Coondog O'Karma of Cuyahoga Falls, complained: "I think being in the wheelchair gives Ed an unfair advantage. After so many weeks the stomach muscles get weak and atrophy, and it gives these so called "handicapped" guys an advantage. With weak abdominal muscles the stomach has more room to expand."

Cleveland Wing eating extraordinaire, Eddie "The Geek" Vidmar, another contestant added: "I hope this intravenous thing is just a passing fad. I faint at the sight of needles"

"We get complaints like this from the contestants when any new innovation to the sport comes along" replied Shea. "But, it won't stop competitive eating. As long as guys like "No Leg" are around and have the body parts to spare, competitive-eating's future is bright."


The Day After Tommorrow
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

President George W. Bush has cancelled all his appointments and fund raising trips for the next week after viewing a White House screening of the film 'The Day After Tomorrow'. The President, apparently believing the film was actually a Homeland Security Brief, immediately had most of his entire staff moved to a secret location in the Rocky Mountains to save himself from the impending tidal waves. He also sent Senators Tom Daschle and Ted Kennedy as well as House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi an all expense paid vacation to Virginia Beach.

Clad in scuba gear, a parka, snowshoes and carrying an umbrella and snow shoes, the President was seen boarding Air Force One dragging his wife Laura kicking and screaming aboard, while panicked White House Staff ran around the plane waving their arms wildly and crying.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said, " Look, I know it's just a movie and Kerry's more of a destructive force to us than any tidal wave, but I'm still pissed off. Do you know that prick wouldn't let me on the plane with him? I figured I'd go along and get a free trip to Aspen for the weekend, but as I was going up the stairs to board the plane he kicked me in the face and knocked me down the steps screaming, 'There's not enough food for all of us! We need the space for women to help repopulate the planet. You can't go!' Man, that hurt. After all I've done for him."

Also Left Behind were Secretary of State Colin Powell, CIA Director George Tenet and Treasurer Secretary John Snow.


Monkey Business -- Where are they now?
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Recently in February 2004, an experiment was conducted by University of New Amsterdam scientists trying to duplicate and trend the phenomenon of irrelevant government policy by simulating a government environment using six chimpanzees, a bottle of vodka, two limes and a banana. Each chimpanzee was specifically drawn from an elite group of governmentally employed chimpanzees in a variety of government services. These chimpanzees include:

1) Police Lieutenant Chimp Stevensen -- Tertiary Lead Detective in the OJ Simpson Murder Trial

2) Field Agent Aran Gatane -- CIA field agent responsible for White House WMD report

3) Mon Keeler, Doctorate English -- Spelling advisor to Dan Quayle

4) Albert Monkeyshine, PhD, developer of Hubble mirror.

The findings of the study were largely inconclusive although scientists were able to trend and contrast against similar behavior in several bipartisan groups of US Senators. Comparisons between the monkeys and the current White House Administration proved invalid as scientists could not find a proper baseline to represent human intelligence.


Valerie Palme and the Politics of Cooking
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Ambassador Joseph Wilson, who's allegations that his wife, ex CIA Operative Valerie Palme's outing by the White House is the topic of his newly published book, 'The Politics of Truth'. In it, Ambassador Wilson names as a possible suspect in the leak to the nationally syndicated columnist Robert Novak, who printed Ms. Palme's name and occupation as a secret agent, Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney's Chief of Staff Scooter Libby.

Ambassador Wilson postulates that the outing of his wife was done in retaliation for a speech Wilson gave disputing the Administrations allegations that Iraq had tried to buy radioactive "yellowcake" from Niger. The CIA had sent Wilson to Niger to investigate the Administrations claims, but he could find no evidence to support it and said so publicly.

While the public naming of a CIA operative is a Federal crime, the White House has come up with a novel defense. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Well, of course naming a Central Intelligence Agency operative would be a crime, but that's not what we thought Valerie Palme was. You see, we thought that Valeria Palme was an employee of The Culinary Institute of America, or the CIA. It's a great cooking school located outside of Poughkeepsie, New York. I had a rack of lamb there in their restaurant that was to die for. The Muton Cadet was a bit corked I think but still, overall, it was great. The point is, there's no crime in naming a chef is there? We had no idea she was a spy, after all, she was undercover, right?"

When asked if he thought that the White House would actually get away with that excuse Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of more anonymity replied, "Come on, what with Fallujah and Najaf, Cheney's energy policy, tortured prisoners of war, Americans being held without legal counsel, and several hundred dead soldiers, do you think anyone's even gonna remember one CIA agent?"


Pet Smooching
By
Mari Plante -- Staff Writer

Do you feed your pet gourmet food while you dine on ramen and cheese doodles? Does your entire family wear Goodwill clearance clothing but your pet wears the latest fashion designs? Do you sleep on a straw mat so that your pet can have the finest designer pet bed on the block? Do you love your pet more than you love your children?

If so then you may be just who we are looking for. Pooch Smooch, Inc is currently looking for their next spokespet and caregiver. Qualified candidates must possess the ability to kiss their pets and/or owners on command right on the ol' smackaroo. A willingness to tongue, wear matching outfits and pose in the nude considered a plus. Candidates with these qualities should apply ASAP at Pooch Smooch, Inc headquarters. Pictures will be necessary to determine smoochability. All entries are due by 07-06-05 no later than 5:58:33 pm EST. Only serious inquiries please -- freaks need not apply. Pay depends on experience. Please send salary requirements along with six animal references.


College Fees to be Raised
By
Mari Plante -- Staff Writer

College students across the country went into mourning Friday as analysts predict that college fees are to be raised 1,000% to keep up with rising cost of gas. "Why should the gas companies be the only ones gouging the American public? That used to be our job. I mean, where else can you buy a $5 book for $250?" said J.T. Dohlardigerre.

"Besides we needed a good excuse to make college more unaffordable or unattainable for minority and low economic status families," stated area college President Robert Stallsworth Jr, III. Esq.,PhD., DDS., MCSD. "It's about time someone did something about all these public works programs that are taking away from my potential salary anyway."

"It's getting to where my staff can no longer afford a decent ride. Why I saw Vice President Kernal Landers driving into work in a Lexus the other day! I hear he had to trade in his Porsche! Can you imagine the disgrace. It's high time Americans pay for education."


Terror Attacks Report
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

The State Department has issued new revised Terrorism Figures for 2003 which indicate that the instances of terrorism had not gone done last year as previously reported by the Administration. Instead of the number of attacks dropping to 190 instances as claimed in the Terrorism Index Report (Extended Document) or TIRED, which would be the lowest level in 34 years and indicate a 45% drop since President Bush took office, the number of attacks have instead increased sharply.

Secretary of State Colin Powell, in an increasingly rare display of honesty said, "Errors crept in that frankly we did not catch here". Among the errors were that the Administration did not take into account the total terrorist attacks for the entire year. Instead, they only counted attacks made on February 12th, 2003 thru March 3rd, 2003 in Billings, Montana.

The TIRED report also apparently counted the entire Middle East, Asia and Europe as one big terrorist attack. The other 189 reported attacks were made by a guy named Festus P. Hymen against a small squirrel that had been raiding his bird feeder.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " OK, sure, things are not quite as good as the original TIRED report first made them seem, but actually that makes our case for declaring Marshall Law that much stronger so we're feeling pretty good about it."

At this point the revised numbers seem to indicate that instead of 190 terrorist attacks, the actual number for 2003 was 5,765,438.


Kerry Attacks Bush
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

John F. Kerry, the Democratic Parties nominee apparent has attacked George Bush...physically. The Massachusetts Senator, who in the past has attacked the Presidents policies on Iraq, education, employment and the environment said he was "just fed up with the little jerk." so he took a cab from the Senate Chambers to the White House and pretending to be a pizza delivery guy, talked his way into the Oval Office. Once inside, the Senator leapt on George Bush, pummeling him repeatedly about the head and shoulders as Mr. Bush screamed, "Get him off! Get Him Off!"

Secret Service agents, at first reluctant to involve themselves in political issues allowed Senator Kerry to beat on the President for several minutes before restraining him, paying for the double pepperoni pizza and escorting him to the White House Lounge where they bought him several drinks and traded stories.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " I gotta admit, it was great. Kerry's beating on the President yelling, 'you're a fucking liar, I hate you' and Bush is screeching like a little girl and waving his arms all over the place. When no one was looking I even got in a kick to the Presidents shins, just for the hell of it."

The White House has issued a statement saying the President had fallen off his bike when one of the training wheels fell off.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
John Plante
Mari Plante

Contributing Writers:
Dave O'Karma

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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