May 2004 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 6 Issue 4
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 June 1st - 14th  May 15th - 31st  May 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Bush/American People in Agreement
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

President George W. Bush, for perhaps the first time during his Presidency, has found himself in agreement with two thirds of the American people. A new poll shows that two thirds of those surveyed believed that the United States was at least "somewhat likely" to undergo a terrorist attack before the November elections.

"I can understand why they think we're going to get hit again," sympathized Mr. Bush, wearing a flack jacket and helmet, speaking from behind his sandbag surrounded desk in the Oval Office, "This is a hard country to defend. Shit, I'm nervous even here in the White House, can you imagine how those poor bastards on the street must feel, especially since I've been cutting First Responder funding ever since 9/11?"

In one of the years most shocking understatements Mr. Bush described his intelligence as being "never perfect", which is where the President and the publics perceptions begin to differ. In another new poll 98% of the American People describe Mr. Bush's intelligence as being "somewhat non existent or completely fucking non existent".

The President, in a rare show of honesty also acknowledged that the last few weeks have been "Really tough. Ok, they've been reeeaaalllyyy tough, but it's nothing I can't handle. I mean, I'm not on the line in Iraq, so I feel pretty safe. Of course, I'm not planning to be in Fallujah anytime soon, scheduling difficulties, you understand. As for our boys taking incoming rounds and RPG's every two minutes, well, I'm throwing them an extra two hundred fifty bucks a week, that's gotta more than make up for the increased potential of a bullet in the chest at any second, right?"

In a dig at his father, who's international support for the first Iraq war still pisses off the President, George the Littler said, "The Iraqi people want to know if we're going to cut and run again (like my daddy did). Well, I'm here to tell you, we're not. At least, we're not unless of course it looks like I can do better in the election by dumping the whole mess into the United Nation's lap, in which case I'll be outta there faster than a Texas Twister."


Alcoholics Out Of
The Closetus

Will be having its first annual Drunk W/H a Monk photo contest.

The winner of this contest will be the drunk who gets his picture taken with a monk who is drunk.

The winner will recieve a 6 month free supply of beer from "Bob's House of Crabs," home of the infamous slogan: "Drink Here. Get Crabs."


You Could be Watching Television Right Now.
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

In 1993 my wife and I moved to the Catskill Mountains. We soon realized that there in the hills antenna based TV reception was impossible. We had just spent all our money on the down payment for our property, so we were too cash strapped to buy one of those huge satellite dishes that were so popular back then. We were also too far in the then wilderness to have any cable lines on our road (actually there still isn't cable today, but this is no longer anything like wilderness. All of our neighbors have Manhattan addresses and it's easy to find a good Chardonnay, a major prerequisite for civilization.) So we decided to forget about television and if we wanted to watch something we'd just rent a video. The result of all this is that I hadn't seen more than a couple of hours of commercial TV in nearly a decade.

This led to some interesting side effects. For instance, when I first moved there I was completely bald and missing one leg. Within the first year I had a full head of hair and I was contemplating running in the years Boston Marathon as my leg had grown back.

I now understood quantum physics, macro invertebrate zoology, and Non Euclidian Geometry without ever having studied them.

I knew what clouds, stars, trees and my wife looked like (she's actually quite dishy.). I no longer heard myself saying things like, " You know, maybe we DO need to get:

a) a new car

b) aluminum siding

c) new and improved Maxi pads for extra freshness

d) Cheerios

or:

a) What's on next?

b) I can't believe they interrupted a Mash re-run for another stupid terrorist attack!

c) Did you see that new Kia commercial? Pretty cool, huh?

d) Oh man, honey, we gotta get one of those!

My monthly expenditures went from $4,568.76 to $3.62 and my cholesterol levels dropped down into the normal range. I'd lost 35 pounds and gained 45 points in my IQ level. I found these things called books (bunches of pieces of paper glued together with words printed on them. If you read them in sequence they tell you a story, kinda like a TV show without the commercials. You gotta try it.) and I read them quite a bit.

I'd forgotten what Oprah Winfrey, Dan Rather and James Garner look like (all good things). I didn't know what anybody was selling or how much it cost. It didn't matter. Not knowing that they were selling it, I found I had no need to buy it. Yes, yes, I know George Bush would've considered me un-patriotic, but hey, that goes both ways.

Now, I'm not suggesting that any of these things would happen to you if you disconnect your television, especially the leg thing. But it changed my life for the better and it might just make yours a little more bearable as well. Trust me, you could use it.

(Postscript: Recently I moved back into a city. Instead of listening to coyotes at night I hear sirens. There are no stars. My television is on twenty hours out of twenty four, I own a lot more stuff and am looking forward to buying more and my damn leg fell off again. I'm nearly broke, but I would never consider getting rid of anything I already have cause the neighbors might talk. I have high speed Internet, alarms on my house, three cars and a motor home. Oddly enough, my hair still looks good, but that's because I spend seventy-five dollars a month on salon treatments and hair care products. My wife still looks good, but now she hates me. I've gained back the weight and my doctor is putting me on medication for cholesterol. I'm tired all the time, but I can't sleep. I think I'll go watch some TV till I'm so exhausted I pass out....maybe there's an infomercial on).


Crazy Like A Fox

Al Jazeera has issued an apology to the Fox News Network for it's portrayal of the war in Iraq. Fox has complained that the Middle Eastern News Network's reporting is not "fair or balanced." An Al Jazeera spokesman Abdul Bull Durham, was quoted as saying, " We actually thought they'd be pleased...after all imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Our correspondents watched the Fox News shows for years in order to learn the inaccuracy trade. We were surprised and saddened that they weren't impressed. We pledge to try harder to lie to our people the way Fox lies to its viewers."

Fox reporters and commentators, one of which has recently said that the total Iraqi civilian casualties since the bombing began was only one thousand, were incensed by Al Jazeera's reporting of women and children being killed in missile attacks, Iraqi civilian dissatisfaction with the American Occupation and general unrest in the country. Speaking on the condition of anonymity one member of the group said, "What the fuck do these rag heads want anyway? We're giving them Democracy, for Christ sakes; sometimes Democracy hurts like hell and they should be grateful for the pain."

An unnamed CNN reporter, when told of Fox's outrage said, " Well, yeah, it's Fox, what do you expect, fairness and accuracy?"


Amend the Constitution Says Bush

In Response to Massachussett recently allowing gays to marry, President Bushed has called on Congress to call to order a Constitutional Convention

"I think it's a great idea," Bush was attributed to saying. "Constituional Conventions not only give Congress the power to amend the Constition, but it gives them the power to rewrite the document entirely. We can finally get rid of those laws regarding due process, the Fourteenth Amendment -- hell we may get lucky and end up with a new Bill of Rights."

Opposition to this movement inspired by Bush's entreaties to Congress has been fierce.

Paul Rittleton, leader of the What Are You Fucking Crazy? movement, had this to say about the situation:

"It's bad enough the man has command of our nation's military and nuclear arsenal, but could you image the damage he could do if he could write laws? It'd be pandemonium!"

President Bush could not be reached for further comment.


Serial Killer Holds Up Restaurant With Sheer Stench of Armpit
By
John Blackemire -- Staff Writer

SANTA CRUZ--Restaurant goers were stunned as convicted axe murderer Theodore Jane-Is-A-Pansy Marcel rushed hurriedly into a Bay Banks restaurant Thursday afternoon, screaming out his name out in an orgasmic fervor.

"I thought my husband was bizarre," commented Hazel Buzzlefbutt, an area gynecologist, who was present at Thursday's rampage. "This guy's got him by more than a few points on the screw-ball-o-meter.

"I remember he threw up his arm and this cesspoolean stench wafted throughout the bar area.

"'Everyone on the floor,' he yells, 'The stench was so bad--it's not like we had a choice. We were dropping like flies. We begged him to put that weapon away but he only sneered. We thought we were doomed."

"Thank goodness the swat team showed up with that teargas," her husband, Jane Austin added. "It was like a breath of fresh air."

The killer was quickly subdued by the police who used heavy doses of Lysol and perfume to protect themselves from the heinous effects of the non-deodoranted armpit.

"We're lucky to be alive," commented patrolman Jack Jack-o-lantern of Harlem Globetrotter Wannabe Fame. "If it weren't for my cold---I shudder to think what could have been."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
John Blackemire
John Plante

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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