November 2007 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 9 Issue 11
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 April 1st - 14th  November 15th - 30th  November 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Cynic Online Magazine Ponders Writerís Strike
By
Bob Brighton -- Staff Writer

Production nearly halted of the Cynic Online Magazine last Tuesday as its staff writers were nearing a decision on whether or not to join the Hollywood writerís stri . . .


Arrest Warrant Issued for Japanese Super Ability Television Starlet
By
Clayton Follows -- Staff Writer

An arrest warrant was issued Tuesday for young blond Japanese television starlet Haya Ponomira of the Japanese television show Protagonists in relation to her recent activism in the name of animals rights on the United States mainland. Ponomira and six of her Japanese celebrity skateboarding pals, went into the California countryside in an effort to save calves being led to slaughter.

"The calves are so cute and cuddly," Haya was quoted as saying in a prepared statement. "Theyíre like little bunnies going hop, hop, hoppity hop hop. Look at me Iím a cute little cheerleader. Iím precious -- and they are too. I just want to eat them all up . . ."

Chad Estevan Nakumura Tokyo native and Tokyo skateboarding champion, added in crayon. "Like -- this American tradition of eating veal, beef -- itís like sooo outdated. I think Americans should give up hamburgers -- you wouldnít be killing calves because thereís like no gateway food if you do. Oh and apple pie -- thatís another beef gateway food. Just because a tradition like hamburgers have been done for a hundred and twenty five years doesnít mean you have to keep doing it. Give it up stupid! Iím a celebrity and as such, I know better than you backwoods hicks. Of course, Iím not an am American celebrity. Of course, as we know American celebrities are much wiser and more intellectual than us mere mortals and conversant on a wide variety of social issues -- I would recommend you listen to everything they say -- after all, only the dumb and ignorant would deign to miss Oprah."

"I know, I know -- who am I to come into your country and tell you what to do and what to eat?" At this point in his crayon writing, Chad looked to the floor. "My God," he thought in an interior monologue. "What right do I have? Why, if I spent my time fixing the problems in my own country, maybe my country would be a better place. Maybe if I took a cold hard look at my own culture, I could identify issues from within rather than looking at another cultureís obvious fallacies with disdain and superiority. Maybe I could -- Nah."


The Gangs of Lakeside: A Town in Terror
By
Dale Andrew White -- Contributing Author

LAKESIDE (Affiliated Press Syndicate) -- This scenic upstate town, famous for its abundant lakes teeming with graceful swans, is experiencing a crime wave that has the public cowering and law enforcement baffled.

"Weíre being terrorized," Mayor Ward Game said during a telephone interview from beneath his desk. "Gangs are taking over our waterfront neighborhoods. You canít enjoy a picnic or go for a jog without getting bullied or battered by these malicious thugs. Yet every time I call the governor and plead for him to send in the National Guard, he hangs up laughing."

Conventional techniques for countering gang violence do not work in Lakeside because the culprits are not juvenile delinquents or other typical suspects. These roaming, rival bands of thieves and vandals are flocks of swans, the snow-white birds that the townspeople considered so charming and elegant when this municipality imported them from a British aviary several decades ago and made them Lakesideís pride, joy and icon.

"I know people regard swans as beautiful symbols of tranquility but, in reality, they are the brawniest and most ill-tempered and ruthless of waterfowl," Police Chief Gavin Chase said as he patrolled Lake Hood in a pontoon boat. "Believe me, they donít hesitate to attack over the slightest provocation."

Through binoculars, he spied on a gathering of swans near the shoreline. The swans returned the chiefís keen stare as he slowly passed by, some of them keeping an incriminating wing behind their backs as if they were concealing weapons.

The Lakeside swansí initial foray into crime involved small prey. They ran down schoolchildren, snatching and opening the tykesí lunchboxes and smashing the sandwiches into easily-edible crumbs.

Yet they quickly grew bolder and more dangerous. They overturned canoes, assaulted swimmers, stole paddleboats for joy rides, forced geese and ducks to perform humiliating acts for their amusement, even conducted several daring houseboat invasions.

Every day, intimidating choruses of prancing swans honk the same flat-toned melody as they cruise Lakesideís streets and streams, prowling for victims. An expert in avian counterculture recorded, studied and eventually translated the disturbing lyric:

"When youíre a Swan

Youíre a Swan all the way,

From your first morning swim

To your last dying day . . . "

"Thatís no innocent little ditty," Police Chief Chase explained. "Thatís their pledge to stick with and protect each other -- forever. Every swan swears to never be a snitch. We take them into custody. Yet, even when theyíve harmed or threatened each other, witnesses and victims wonít cooperate and we have to drop all charges."

Chase peered at the skies as another gang, flying in V formation, swept overhead and started pelting downtown pedestrians with droppings.

"No respect for decent society," Chase observed, shaking his head in disgust. "No respect at all."

At that moment, a splat of pasty swan guano soiled his city-issued police chiefís cap. He examined the evidence and muttered a single-syllable expletive that described it precisely.

"Frigginí, freakiní, fruckiní swans," he groused as his boat puttered back to shore.


Weapons of Messy Destruction
By
Laurie Fabrizio -- Contributing Author

The anticipated evening is finally upon you. Tasty morsels are elegantly displayed. Guests are enjoying exotic drinks and your shoulders relax as the welcomed alcohol courses through your body. Suddenly, a familiar aroma wafts through the room. Your eyes burn as if you removed your contacts after handling a jalapeno pepper. The guestsí noses begin to twitch. Their eyes water uncontrollably. No ignoring this nasty intrusion. Those near the point of impact shift their feet uneasily and clear their throats as if they swallowed something distasteful. All avoid eye contact for fear of being identified as the perpetrator.

Flushed with embarrassment, you glance at your dogs, immediately knowing the source of the disturbance.

Guilty as charged!

Dog Flatulence . . .  itís the perfect party crasher.

Dog farts have always been a "bone" of contention in our house. We make excuses for them, crack windows and install ceiling fans to eliminate the problem. One toot clears a room, sending family and friends gasping for air. I accepted this fact of life, until I saw a CNN report on the squandering of our natural resources and the value of recycling waste. What if we could capture this nasty methane for some useful purpose? Then it struck me  . . . the "Woof Grenade". Silent but deadly, destined to be an enormous success. Think of the endless possibilities with no cash outlay and a perpetual supply of raw material at your disposal.

Get even with that annoying neighbor who repeatedly drives past his empty garbage cans for three days as if he is Stevie Wonder. Toss in a can of "Woof Grenade". When he throws in that next bag of garbage, "Woof Grenade" will activate on impact, totally enveloping him in a rancid cloud. When mixed with "Eau-de-Trash" it is even more potent. That once obnoxious neighbor will volunteer to trim your hedges and salute your dogs.

Is your daughterís tattooed, body-pierced boyfriend, getting on your nerves? Your daughter calls him "super stud. You just want to wring his scrawny neck. However, resist kicking his good- for- nothing butt out the door. Donít resort to violence; the jail time isnít worth it. Wait until he is sprawled on your couch. Creep outside and position a can under his rusty "make out palace on wheels." Release the trigger to Woof Grenade. Youíll feel the sense of accomplishment as you witness him trying to unlatch the super-glued seat belt. Heíll think twice before groping your daughter again.

Business meetings drive you insane. Colleaguesí cat-nap as people pontificate endlessly. A co-worker sketches your boss being run over by a stray golf cart. NoDoz are popped like tic-tacs. Itís time to end the misery and take action. Drop a "Woof Grenade" under the conference table and wait for its magic. Instantly, the air becomes so intolerable, that all meetings are cancelled well into 2009.

Now you can keep that well deserved tee time.

"Woof Grenade" works extremely well on nuisances that disturb the tranquility of our everyday lives, such as Road Ragers, Phone Solicitors and nosey neighbors. It will paralyze your enemies making them reconsider their options before messing with us. Letís unite our countryís "dog lovers", to capture this unending resource. What a perfect solution. Itís cost effective and easy to transport to any "undercover" engagement. Wood Grenade Odor Eliminator is the antidote for situations when you donít want to leave a nasty impression.

Dog flatulence . . .  bottle it and let it rip. Warnings: (For useful purposes only. Keep out of the reach of children.) Itís the new border weapon for the "Homestead Security." Render your enemies helpless as their vision and sense of smell is affected from the burning sensation.

Weapons of messy destruction are right in our own back yards.


Civil Rights Group Outraged at Paris Hilton Jail Time
By
Clayton Follows -- Staff Writer

Attorneys for the AFFCAF (Association for Flaky Celebrity and Fans) filed suit against Los Angeles Countyís Womenís Detention Center in Lynwood last Tuesday. The brief filed by the AFFCAF alleges the Lynwood LACWDC grossly abused Hilton on a scale of "inhumanity, torture and misconduct unparalleled in the annals of modern society, eclipsing the atrocities committed in Abu Gharib, even under the rule of Saddam Hussein."

Ima Goodperson, lead attorney representing Hilton without her blessing or consent (for comedic purposes of course) told reporters at a press conference:

"The jailing of Paris Hilton for 23 days is an absolute travesty," Goodperson told FEMA employees acting as reporters. "Why she has served so many days when others have done so much worse and served so few is beyond me.

"Look at Lindsay Lohan," she spat. "Only in jail for 84 minutes. Nicole Richi was in only 82. Talk about discrimination! Itís not like Paris chased after the hired help in high-speed pursuit or anything stupid like that.

" I mean--come on. Paris is rich. We all know rich people should get preferential treatment over poor folks like Lindsay and Nicole. And those two ainít really that famous to boot. In my estimation, the Los Angeles and California legal system owes Paris 33,036 minutes of her life back -- and 33,036 minutes in lost wages. And Iím going to get it for her.

"Along with attorneyís fees of course," she adds with a grin.

At this point in the interview, one of the FEMA employees jumps up howling in agony.

"Sir?" Goodperson asked with a grin. "Did you just spill your coffee? I can help you with that."


"Dirty, Lousy Writing": The New TV Season
By
Tom Jemielity -- Contributing Author

The new tv year has an unbelievable hit on its hands. Following closely on the heels of a new series--"Dirty, Sexy Money"--that satisfies our thirst, so weíre told, for the misfortunes of the obscenely rich comes the smash comic mini-series "Dirty, Lousy Writing." The record-breaking ratings for the premier episode reveal beyond doubt the TV publicís yearning for a show that focuses on the misfortunes of the obscenely untalented, in this case, TV script writers. "Itís the most satisfying show Iíve ever watched," beamed Abner Singleday, nineteen-year-old Indiana farm boy who canceled a date with his Holstein girl friend to watch the premier. "She was really pissed off," Abner observed, "and cows, you know, usually arenít that temperamental." The all-scarred cast is headed by Peter Karouser, recently out of a rehab center for overly serious actors. He plays Ned Gorge, fired from a hitherto secure job as a writer of TV scripts. The villain in the piece is Abercrombie Dumpling, millionaire owner of ABAI-TV (As Bad as Imagined), the mother station of the FU TV network. Dumpling, who has moved into television after cornering the market in gruyere, is played with renowned cheesy effectiveness by Donald Switzerland.

The series in short. An undeservingly well-off TV script writer, Gorge loses his job because the network cannot stand any more of his poor ideas. Dumpling is determined that his programs should be at least as good as his cheese. Nedís unemployment compensation is delayed because of an unexpected glut of bad TV writers fired from what had seemed to be rock-solid positions. As one unemployed writer put it, "Who the hell would expect this? Where would TV be without lousy scripts?" The astronomical increase in out-of-work writers creates serious economic and administrative problems, especially in New York and Los Angeles. Even shelters for the homeless refuse to take them in. "Weíve got standards," says Miranda Glitch, a shelter director in Lower Manhattan, shown smashing TV sets with the gleeful help of several homeless. Gorge has no alternative but to wander the streets of Manhattan desperately but hopelessly seeking one imaginative idea. Misfortune follows upon misfortune. Ned learns that his wife has run off with an Emmy-award-winning writer who wooed her with his statuettes. At their Montessori school, Nedís kids are beaten regularly because their school chums canít stand their fatherís bad writing. Even when Nedís lawyers prove that the instigator of these incidents is the ordinarily mild-mannered, elderly creative writing teacher, Eldorada Twitty, the schoolís legal team successfully pleads self-defense. Nedís kids have no choice: using a Soviet-styled denunciation of counterrevolutionary writers, they denounce their father publicly and promise to shun him thereafter. They promise never to watch any of his reruns. They win Montessoriís coveted Lenin Prize for Creative Children. A short-lived ray of sunshine enters Nedís life with a gorgeous though unemployed script writer who turns out to be a guy (an outlandish gambit stolen from another badly written show). A painful illumination follows: Ned now understands why his tranny mistress (mister?) was thumbing through Out while they were having sex. A sexual identity crisis follows: is he straight or gay or bisexual? Ned seeks professional help. To his horror his counselor informs him that he is really an incurable bore. No hope. DNA tests prove that the situation is genetic and irreversible. Ned shuffles back to his ill-heated flat in lower Manhattan. As he sits in front of the cold, empty fireplace, two devils (played by Peter Krause and Donald Sutherland) emerge from within and drag him down to hell. Here, in a new circle added to Danteís Inferno, is the eternal home of bad writers. Amid the choking smoke and flames, we hear anguished cries from the damned who cannot escape the ceaseless reruns of their scripts. TV viewers, in roles as minor devils, compete energetically and gleefully for the chance to play the shows back at the damned. But itís a comedy. So in the last scene of "Dirty, Lousy Writing," a massive chorus of satisfied TV viewers, supplemented by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and the Episcopal Priestsí Bastard Childrenís Ensemble (another outlandish stolen idea), sings "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."


Horoscopes
By
Bill Shepherd -- Contributing Author

Aries: Freely encourage those around you. Your positive attitude will

be a big help down at the abortion clinic.

Taurus: Withholding your emotions is never advisable. Be sure to let

your loved ones know just how disappointing they are.

Gemini: Your desire to live a life worth of the movies will be realized

after a shark attacks you are being raped in an army/navy surplus store.

Cancer: Business problems will befall you this month once you learn

that the target demographic for your line of Star Trek themed condoms

is surprisingly small.

Leo: Quiet confidence never goes out of style. The stars suggest a

combination of surgical tongue removal and profound self deception.

Virgo: Be wary of new age charlatans pushing vaguely worded advice.

Stick to the horoscopes for guidance.

Libra: Struggle is simply a prelude to success. Keep perfecting your

ceiling buffing machine until you prove all the scoffers wrong.

Scorpio: Learn as much as possible about making urine potable. That

knowledge will soon become indispensable.

Sagittarius: Be willing to swallow your pride and admit that two heads

are better than one. You didn't get gonorrhea alone, and you won't cure

it alone.

Capricorn: You've always prided yourself on being about the political

fray, but you will feel compelled to enter the debate after Congress

passes a law taxing lap dances.

Aquarius: Your childhood fascination with Aquaman will come full circle

after a drunken trip to the aquarium leaves you with the nickname "King

of the Sea."

Pisces: Your almost religious devotion to Bud Dry will be proven beyond

all doubt once you immolate yourself in front of the Anheuser Busch

headquarters after they discontinue the beloved beer.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bob Brighton
Clayton Follows

Contributing Writers:
Bill Shepherd
Dale Andrew White
Laurie Fabrizio
Tom Jemielity

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself