October 2007 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 9 Issue 10
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 November 1st - 14th  October 15th - 31st  October 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

No Sex Please! Weíre Hoosier Animals
By
Tom Jemielity -- Contributing Author

The national media, with their emphasis on the sexually permissive, have, characteristically, ignored one of the boldest moves among the states to solidify the traditional view of marriage and wholesome sexual behavior: "back home in Indiana," as the song says, sex with animals is now a criminal offense. Having lived in the state for more than forty years with my wife (a human) and having raised here our three now adult children, I feel so much safer because of the new legislation. My cat, always very wary of strangers, has been purring loudly since the start of July when the legislation became effective. With the breakneck undermining everywhere of wholesome sexual values, I applaud Indiana for such a courageous move. Perhaps an amendment to the state (or even federal) constitution should follow lest some weird rights group wishes to pose yet another threat to marriage. We can't be too safe, you know. Now, admittedly, as retirees, my wife and I have been out of the club scene for years. I can't even remember the sight of a buxom kangaroo hopping around excitedly with her date on a dance floor. But Indiana must know what its doing: sex between humans and animals has to go. The heartland of America must not become a magnet for weird sex.

The new law, other states might note, should be easy to enforce. Even the most negligent motel owner, for example, with or without video surveillance, could hardly forget a guest trying to register with a Holstein in tow (and no luggage!). Prosecutors can easily depose motel guests awakened during the night by loud, satisfied mooing from the room next door. A minor difficulty here might be how to secure the wayward animal as a witness for the prosecution. Horses or cows might prove unusually frisky and cumbersome in court and pose as well an intimidating threat to the neatness of the surroundings. How might the moos, bleats, or whinnies be interpreted--one for yes, two for no? Problems there are, admittedly, but enforcement must press on relentlessly. Heartless gigolos, leaving behind them a trail of heartbroken and abandoned Black Angus, must be brought to justice. Indiana might supplement the law for these neglected beasts with avant-garde counseling, most likely from Denmark or the Netherlands. If successful, the governor, who has already privatized various state services, might consider adding such counseling to his list. The economic rewards for Indiana might prove bountiful indeed. Psychological services aren't cheap.

Beware, however. Some seedy defense lawyer, armed with a misguided, liberal-minded veterinary psychiatrist, might claim that the animal in question was actually the provocateuse. Even I must confess to a decades-long fascination with Miss Piggy--and she, alas, was only a fiction! An enticing porker in the flesh might prove irresistible to an unsuspecting Hoosier farm boy, for instance. To forestall such a baneful turn of events, the law should be supplemented with special sex education classes in our schools about suspiciously erotic behavior in animals: the overly friendly sheep dog; the attention-seeking cat; the lamb that loves to be cuddled; the tag-along duck. Forewarned is forearmed. Imagine the horror for parents in learning from the police that their adult son has been arrested for stalking cocker spaniels in the park (with a digital camera, no less) and downloading salacious material from Playbeast and Henhouse. A Brown Swiss, despite its several hundred pounds, presents a comely, well-tanned body. I shudder to mention here that unmentionable proclivity that some rams have for other rams. The far-reaching consequences of such pernicious behavior should lead agricultural authorities to forbid reruns of "Will and Grace" in the barnyard lest other animals be corrupted. Under circumstances such as these it would be outrageous for an animal to get off scot-free while an innocent, manipulated human is jailed. Although animal rights groups, probably based in California, will do all they can to undermine this law, vigorous and vigilant prosecution can only strengthen sexual values in the state and provide an example throughout the nation. In an Indiana where farming is so important a part of the economy, itís reassuring to know that Hoosier wives need no longer be unreasonably suspicious of husbands buying bales of hay (unless, of course, theyíre gift wrapped).


Gunned Down by Broke Back Mountain
By
Laurie Fabrizio -- Contributing Author

Cowboys, gunslingers, and Indians are the excitement of the great American Westerns. Along came "Broke Back Mountain," and everything changed. Or did it?

"Rawhide", "Little Big Man", "Sing Cowboy Sing", "Rough Riders Round-up", "The Naked Spur", "Wild Bill Hickcock" and a "Fistful of Dynamite" . . .  sound like gay porno movies. I thought that was it until I delved further. Then there is "Big Jake", which to me, sounds like a guy who is overcompensating for a lack of something. Is it any wonder that a cowboy and an Indian were two of the more prominent singers in the Village People?

Some films are better off left unreeled!

Even the infamous "Duke" starred in several movies whose titles can be looked at in a totally different light. "Men without Women", "Pals of the Saddle", "Two Fisted Law", and "Tall in the Saddle" and my favorite . . .  "Ride Him Cowboy" are just a few.

Iíve heard of "light in the loafers", but perhaps "light in the stirrups", was more appropriate.

Glancing though more movies, I discovered quite a few effeminate titles. "Rainbow Valley", "All the Pretty horses", and "My Darling Clementine", appear kind of girly for a Western. One might refer to these as drag queen cowboy flicks. There is always "My pal trigger" . . . but letís not go there.

I prefer the visual of the gun fight at the O.K. Corral.

Titles aside, I now understand why some old west phrases illicit snickers from males and females alike. After watching Broke Back Mountain, many of them seem even more humorous and have definite sexual connotations.

"Iím gonna pump you full of lead!" Talk about braggadocio. What a guy statement. My response to this is  . . . Iíve had better.

"Give me a stiff one barkeeper!" Thatís a little personal to say to someone you hardly know. Iíve heard of bartenders giving patrons advice, but this is beyond the call of duty.

"Howdy pardner." What does he mean by that? I think howdy cowboy is just as friendly and much safer. Rumor has it that there is a Ďpolitically correctí movement a foot, within the cowboy world, to change this greeting.

If he follows that with "You stay here while I sneak around from behind." My advice, keep looking over your shoulder if you want to avoid any uncomfortable positions . . . I mean situations.

"Donít fret- Iíve been in tight spots before." Okay we really donít need to hear about your past sexual encounters.

"Hold it right there! Now move your hand real slow like." If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one . . . 

"Nice spread ya got there." You better not be referring to my butt; I tend to get a little "testy".

Much of the old west terminology refers to their love for their horses. "Letsí mount up" and "rideíem cowboy", make me feel sorry for Trigger and other famous horses. The only consolation is that cowboys who misbehaved  . . . suffered from "saddle sores."

Clearly, men on either side of the watering trough, look up to manly men. Movies today are dominated by cops, cowboys, drill sergeants and military personnel. The more gun fights and explosions the better.

There is something sexy about wild cowboys on the open range, sporting leather chaps, ten gallon hats. The spurs and the lassoes concern me a little bit, but who am I to judge a different type of foreplay? No matter whether they rode bare-back or side saddle, letís hope they carried "tough guy" condoms in their dusty saddle bags.

After watching Broke Back Mountain I donít know what all the fuss is about. It does have me wondering, however, the origin of the phrase . . .  "I remember a time when men were men and sheep were afraid?" If this was true . . . there was a whole lot more going on in the "Old West."


Horiscopes
By
Bill Shepherd -- Contributing Author

Aries: You'll find success in your personal and professional life will

be easier to achieve once you stop referring to others as "dick-hole."

Taurus: Your years of research and hard work will finally pay off.

Unfortunately, the world is not yet ready for edible tampons.

Gemini: You will soon find a window on a world of unimaginable beauty.

Pray that the curtains don't block your view.

Cancer: A coworker will seek to hurt your career advancement. Be sure

the brass pole is securely bolted and free of excessive moisture before

you perform.

Leo: A windfall will come your way. Remember that opium is the drug of

choice among the nouveau riche.

Virgo: A freak accident will leave you with a compulsive desire to eat

shellfish and watch reruns of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Plan accordingly.

Libra: Everybody appreciates a helping hand. The stars suggest telling

them to fuck off and do their own damn work.

Scorpio: Time spent with family is never a waste. Make the most of the

prison's visiting hours.

Sagittarius: Your creative juices will be flowing this month. Keep

paper towels handy.

Capricorn: An old flame will reenter your life. Ask them to return your

Ace of Base CD.

Aquarius: You will be encouraged to try new things. Be sure to use

plenty of lubrication.

Pisces: Communing with nature will restore balance to your life. Just

remember that bestiality is illegal in most states.


Advice from the Harebrained Ethicist Pt IV
By
M Hunter Mckee -- Contributing Author

Dear Hare-Brained Ethicist: I have truly been trying my hardest to achieve an amicable divorce from my soon-to-be ex-wife, whom Iíll call "Peg." First she makes a fuss because I changed the lock on my London home and when she couldnít get in, called the sleazy British press to take pictures of her looking all put out and sulky. I know she did it on purpose to elicit sympathy (Oh look, the rich old Beatle is abusing the one-legged mum of his baby daughter, etc). I tired of that behavior quickly and traveled to my house on Long Island, NY., bringing our daughter so we could spend time together privately. What do you think "Peg" has done now? Sheís rented herself a house practically next door for $80,000 a week (!) for which Iím sure she expects me to foot the bill. I feel like Iím being stalked. What say you, Hare-Brained Ethicist? Should I have her arrested for stalking? Isnít stalking illegal in America? Sir P., the Pricey Hampton, NY.

Dear Sir P.: Oh. My. God. The cute Beatle has come to me. Moi! I saw you at the Ed Sullivan Theater, way back when. Maybe you remember me . . .third row, red sweater, black headband? I am manager of Hare-Brained Foundation for Rich Divorcees and would be happy to take charge of an allowance for "Peg" as part of your settlement. My fees are reasonable and, because of certain New Jersey connections, the former spouse is guaranteed to never be a problem to you. Never.


Nun Excommunicated for Moonlighting as Exotic Dancer
By
Vince Wylendifzt -- Contributing Author

By day, Sister Evangelina Corinthian, a demure, soft-spoken nun taught classes at the small private school adjacent to the Church of St. Ignatius Pasquale, ministered to parishioners in need, prayed with her fellow sisters, performed volunteer work in the community, and performed her daily duties within the parish. Like other nuns, Sister Evangelina wore the traditional nunís habit, sans makeup or jewelry.

But baking communion wafers was apparently not the Sisterís only calling. In a scandal that sent shock waves through the small, conservative New England community, and rocked the very pulpit of the church, it was discovered that the Sister was, in fact, leading a double life: Nun by day. Exotic dancer by night.

According to Father Romeo Chacha, spokesperson for the Archdiocese, Sister Evangelina was moonlighting at the Upside Down Pussycat Club, a premiere menís club in the downtown district where she was known as "Angel." In a statement to the press, Father Chacha denounced the nunís actions saying, "We are shocked and saddened by this revelation. We do not condone the Sisterís immoral and sinful acts, and pray that she be delivered from evil. She has defiled herself in a most vulgar and unholy manner. In light of Sister Evangelinaís betrayal of her vows, and for conducting herself in a manner most unbecoming to a nun, our only recourse is to excommunicate her from the Church."

In an ironic twist, unconfirmed sources reported that Father Romeo Chacha was seen (without his collar) in a thinly veiled disguise at the Pussycat Club receiving a lap dance from the Sister, by another member of the parish who wished to remain anonymous. When asked by a reporter if there was any truth to the rumor, Father Chacha, who looked mortified, turned a lighter shade of red and belched. "Pardon me." he said.

"Father Chacha . . . ?" pressed the reporter for an answer. Father Chacha cleared his throat and sounded like Gregory Peck in the remake of Cape Fear, when he said, "Of course not, and I am deeply offended at the mere supposition of impropriety."

What led to the Sisterís descent into the seamy, dark, underbelly of a smoke-filled nightclub where gratuitous sex and pole dancing are the name of the game, is anyoneĎs guess. "Nobody could work the pole like Angel," said the clubís manager, Butch, a beefy, fortysomething guy with a thick neck, greasy, slicked back hair, and a black mustache and goatee, wearing a gold chain, a bracelet, and a pinky ring. "Sheís built like a brick shithouse with a triple D cup. Who can top that?" he said offhandedly, puffing on a cigar. "And limber . . . Jesus . . . she can twist her body into positions that would make a circus freak blush." A full page salatious spread (no pun intended) showcased the disgraced Sisterís hidden talents: In one picture she was topless, facing the audience spread eagle on the pole, in another she was spread eagle upside down on the pole, and in another shot she was bent over with her head between her legs, smiling seductively at the onlookers.


More Haiku from the Cubicle
By
Brenda Gray -- Contributing Author

Productivity

Is second only to my

Internet surfing


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Contributing Writers:
Bill Shepherd
Brenda Gray
Laurie Fabrizio
M Hunter Mckee
Tom Jemielity
Vince Wylendifzt

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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