September 2007 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 9 Issue 9
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 October 1st - 14th  September 15th - 30th  September 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Country Music Declaration of Free Speech
By
Tom O'Donnell -- Contributing Author

Country music industry sources in what can only be described as a burst of courage have announced a position paper on free speech. This Free Speech Paper was written by Ernie Boatsfurth, Assistant Deputy of Media Relations for Country Music Association of America. It reads as follows:

"We, the Country Music Society of America, in this holy day of the Lord, declare the following--We support freedom of speech. In fact, we insist on it but we must acknowledge the following provisions.

Provision Number One: Free speech in country music is only allowed if it is approved by the following--Toby Keith, Fox News and Bill OíReilly and/or a substitute host of his show.

Provision Number Two: If the Dixie Chicks have said anything they are automatically wrong and their freedom of speech is not relevant.

Provision Number Three: If Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks have said what is in question, then she is immediately wrong and what she said is to be ignored and dismissed.

Provision Number Four: Anything said by The Oak Ridge Boys, George Strait, Randy Travis, Daryl Worley, Ricky Skaggs, Toby Keith and George Bush is immediately deemed correct and the speech in question is allowed.

Provision Number Five: Independent thinkers are encouraged as long as what they say has been approved by all parties in "Provision One" and "Provision Four."

Provision Number Six: Banning records from air play is agreed as acceptable and perfectly fine as long as the message of those records is considered "lefty" and "liberal" and "bad to think about."

Provision Number Seven: Clear Channel is God and what they say in regard to airplay goes.

Provision Number Eight: Mob rule is the law of the land. If the crowd yells loudly for a "wacko liberal"group to be banned on country radio, then so it shall be.

Provision Number Nine: If Steve Earle says anything, then ignore his "lefty" ramblings.

Provision Number Ten: Any "liberal" or "lefty" that disagrees with any of the above rules is to be silenced.


Horiscope
By
WL Hogarth -- Contributing Author

Aries (March 21 to April 19)

Your ideas are finally getting the attention they so rightly deserve. Granted you wonít appreciate all of the laughter they generate.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20)

On Thursday you will be served by an officer of the court. You and I both know why and I think we should leave it at that.

Gemini (May 21 to June 20)

That little restaurant on the corner that you frequent will be shut down by the Health Department, but not before you order the "House Special" and contract a nearly fatal case of dysentery.

Cancer (June 21 to July 22)

Being hard headed and stubborn will pay off this month when a meteor comes crashing into your head. The projections for next month donít look so good.

Leo (July 23 to August 22)

You will hit a financial windfall this month when your entire family dies in a plain crash over the Andes. Remind your loved ones to pack steak sauce in their carry-on bags.

Virgo (August 23 to September 22)

Remember the nice man who sold you that Beach front property in Kansas last month. Heís going to call again, this time about a bridge.

Libra (September 23 to October 22)

Blue is not your color. Neither is Black, so when that gang of muggers insists you hand over your cash, I recommend you do it.

Scorpio (October 23 to November 21)

Uncertainty will cloud your decision making process. I suggest drinking a quart of RainX.

Sagittarius (November 22 to January 19)

You will learn a new way to appreciate music when the guitarist from a local band hits your ex over the head with his guitar.

Capricorn (December 22 to January 19)

No matter how much you are pressured, do not eat the circus peanuts.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)

Change can be a painful experience, especially when itís being thrown at you by a dancing circus monkey.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20)

Everyone in the office is staying out of your way this month. I suggest taking a shower.


West Virginia Woman Arrested For Being Politically Incorrect
By
Cara Fidler -- Contributing Author

A West Virginia woman was arrested in Belchertown, Massachusetts for being politically incorrect, when she referred to a man wearing a green T-shirt with, "Vermont Moose Lodge" imprinted on it, as a "tree-hugger," and as a "suspect" instead of a "person of interest," after she witnessed him stealing several cans of SPAM which she referred to as, "that mystery meat," before yelling, "Somebody stop that "midget," instead of dwarf, as he ran out of a convenience store. She was charged with four counts of political incorrectness and one count of assault, when she sprayed the store clerk with a can of Raid.

According to the arresting officer, this is not the first time that Bertha Mutton, 53, of Bald Knob, West Virginia, has been in trouble with the law. Police records indicate Ms. Mutton has a rap sheet dating back to 1995, when she was arrested for pelting a man with a coconut in a local supermarket, and for shoplifting a sack of potatoes and a corned beef.

In another incident in 1997, she was arrested in Dry Valley, Alabama, for riding a scooter down a busy freeway, in the nude, during rush hour traffic. After that, she was hospitalized for psychiatric evaluation, but managed to escape during a smoke break, when she climbed over a chain link fence and hitched a ride from a Septic Tank cleaner.

In 2000, she was again arrested and charged with two counts of political incorrectness in a bank, when she was observed making disparaging remarks about two (presumed) lesbians who were in front of her in line, referring to them as, "rug munchers," and "carpet munchers."

Then, in 2004, she was arrested in a grocery store for throwing a douche product at another shopper who she claims deliberately bumped her cart, referring to her as, "a douche bag," and a "hemorrhoid." Ms. Mutton is currently serving 30 days in the Belchertown Correctional Facility for Women, and is also required to take a class in political correctness as part of her sentence.


Rappers Arrested At Wayne Dyer Lecture
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

Gangster rappers Blingman and Run-WMD were arrested today at a Cleveland convention center, where they'd attempted to elude a police dragnet by pretending to attend a lecture titled "Even Butterflies Know God." Accused of the drive-by murder of Ann Coulter's brother Bob, author of "Rap is Crap," the rotund musicians were "easy to spot," according to patrolman Harry Slade, since they were still wearing "more jewelry than peacock at a Buddhist funeral." Ann Coulter vows to memorialize her brother's untimely death by endowing a foundation whose website will be RapIsCrap.org, funds provided primarily through the sale of bumper stickers. Bob's casket will indeed bear the slightly longer bumper sticker, "Rap Is STILL Crap." Meanwhile, Wayne Dyer has already included Blingman and Run-WMD in a celebrity list of those who have attended his traveling lecture series, in hopes of expanding his marketing base.


Dear Hare-Brained Ethicist
By
M Hunter McKee -- Contributing Author

Dear Hare-Brained Ethicist, Please, please help me, Hare-Brained Ethicist. My father, who loved me so, so much, recently passed away, leaving me almost an orphan. I say "almost" because my mother, though still alive (unfortunately) hates me and has taken to hiding out in her gift-wrapping room, wrapping gifts all day long. My former nanny told me that the gifts sheís wrapping are all my old belongings. Sheís cleaned out my suite and giving all my stuff away! Hare-Brained Ethicist, I am selling everything I own on eBay just to cover my everyday plastic surgery needs! My new husband says he is unable to achieve orgasm because I misrepresented myself as an heiress before our marriage and heís living a lie, which is itself a filthy lie, because I have not inherited my rightful fortune due to a misunderstanding about Daddyís will. He has also made hurtful comments about my chin. No one cares about me even though I weep for hours all day long. What should I do? Please donít use my name as my family is very famous and I would die if anyone knew this is me writing to you.

Name withheld, Los Angeles, CA.

Dear name withheld: I looked at your stuff on eBay. Face it, nameless friend, you need to do some serious sucking up to your mother. Set her up on a date with your husband. Get him to appeal to her motherly instincts about the orgasm thing. And when you have her giggly and happy like a school girl again, kindly mention Hare-Brained Financial Advisor, Discrete and Always There For You. And about your chin: your husbandís right.


Pardon Me?
By
John Thomas Clark -- Contributing Author

Impeached for political pelf? --

I wonít need defense thatís top shelf;

Should my lawyers fail,

While Iím faced with jail,

Iíll simply pardon myself.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Contributing Writers:
Cara Fidler
John Thomas Clark
Jonathan Lowe
M Hunter McKee
Tom O'Donnell
WL Hogarth

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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