April 2004 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 6 Issue 3
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 May 1st - 14th  April 15th - 30th  April 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Condi Jilted!
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice was forced to admit before the 9/11 Commission that she and Osama bin Laden had been secretly engaged to be married during the summer before the attacks. The wedding was postponed indefinitely after the tall, dark and certifiable Saudi lunatic was determined to be the mastermind of the terror attacks.

"Condi was devastated," said Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, "she really believed that this was the guy. He had everything she was looking for in a man... money, power, his own private army and the ultimate Conservative Agenda. But I guess it wasnít meant to be. Ever since then Condi hasnít really smiled; sheís carrying a lot of hurt and pain, the poor thing. Personally, I think that why sheís been so aggressive in pursuing bin Laden, a woman scorned and all that."

President George (Nobody Fucks With My Bitch) Bush, reportedly incensed that his girl Condi had been treated so shabbily by bin Laden vowed to use all of Americas resources to bring the slimy Saudi to his knees. Unfortunately, the President attacked Iraq, mistakenly thinking that taking over a country that had nothing to do with 9/11 would pacify the jilted Security Advisor. "Condi just kept crying," said Waterhouse, "The President was at his wits end. I remember him saying, ĎWhat else can I do? I really thought that getting Condi her own oil rich country to go with the oil tanker we named after her would do the trick. But nothing seems to work. She just mopes around the White House, bringing everyone down. Maybe she just needs a vacation. Letís occupy Haiti."


Alabama Selects New Official State Chewing Tobacco
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Spurred by their recent designation of an official state spirit, Conecuh Ridge Fine Whiskey, Alabama lawmakers quickly sprang into action Monday trying to decide what to make official next.

"We went through all sorts of convoluted trials, tribulations and such," Jebediah Notaliar, State legislator told the Tribune Friday afternoon, "before me and the boys came up with a consensus of sorts. We thought Winchester might be the official state shotgun for a moment or two and that Denny's would be the official state restraurant, but it was a toss up between Denny's and Waffle House. We finally gave up when Sammy Dave Johnson filibustered our session like an onstage fart at the Grand Ol' Opry."

"Of course," Alabama lawmaker Bubba James Willy Trenton revealed in a press statement," I was partial to making Texas Alabama's official state, but there were factions within the legislature that were a might opposed to such a thing."

"State pickup was on the table for a while," Bo Hildeman state lawmaker revealed, "but you can tell those danged foreign influences were starting to creep into the debate when Toyota came up as a suggestion. Side's everyone from short to tall knows a man that ain't driving a Chevy better find God or Viagra 'fore his woman tosses his sorry butt out on the street."

"The real inspiration for the state chaw came from Bama Legislator Notaliar," Bubba James Willy Trenton admitted in his office's press release. "Things were getting pretty hairy until good ol' Bubba J' came to the rescue with the chaw suggestion. The rest of us figured, Hell! Why not? There ain't an Alabamian our there that doesn't enjoy a good old fashioned plug of chaw from time to time."

Alabama Governor Bob Riley is expected to veto, but frankly, most Alabamians could give a damn.


I'll Make Him an Offer He Can't Refuse

The National Commission on Terrorist Attacks Upon the United States has summoned Donald Rumsfeld and William Cohen to testify. An unnamed source in the Commission who has no relation to Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse (Itís his cousin Erasmus ( Stinky) Waterhouse) said, "The horrors of 9/11 are so great that the Commission felt it needed a break from reality so we called Rumsfeld to testify.

That guy always makes us laugh. Bill Cohen (former President Clintonís Secretary of Defense) has agreed to play Ďstraight maní to Rumsfeld. It was great."

A group of Democratic Senators had sent a letter to the White House requesting that National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice testify before the Commission in public. The letter was returned as ĎAddressee Moved- Current Address Unknowní. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "We were just having a little fun with the Democrats; you know what kind of jokesters we in the White House are. Seriously though, we believed it would set a bad precedent for Condi Rice to lie, uh, testify in public. Once itís on the public record you canít change it later to suit your purposes and truth is the last thing you want in an election year. Of course, we ended up having to take the chance since the stupid American People demanded it. I gotta say, she was shit, the little whiner. I believed Janet Jackson on Saturday Night Live more than I believed her and Iím the one who made up her answers."

Allegations made in a new book by Richard Clarke, former Bush anti terrorism chief, that George Bush ignored the threat of al Qaida while choosing to focus on Iraq for personal reasons. At a secret meeting of the Five Families (the Bush Family, the Cheney family, the Rumsfeld Family, the Rice Family and the Rove Family) in Washington DCís notorious Little Dallas section shortly after his inauguration as Capo de Capo, George Bush declared a Vendetta against Saddam Hussein and ordered a hit on the Iraqi leader.

Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of more anonymity said, "While we deny the existence of any organized political family, we also feel the need to deny that it was Ďpersonalí as Clarke suggested. It was just business. Itís always just business."


God Goes Green

The Bush Administration is up in arms about John Kerryís recent use of scripture in a church. Mr. Kerry, speaking in St. Louis at the New Northside Baptist Church quoted James, 2:14 which says something suitably biblical about something or another, as well as other passages equally, uh...biblical.

"How dare Kerry quote scripture, that godless Northeastern Intellectual Liberal Democratic Satan Lover?", asked Unnamed Administration Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, "We Republicans own the Bible! Itís our Book! Just because the passages were apt and made sense is no excuse to even mention the Bible in a church. Itís disgusting. The Bible should stay in the White House and Republican led Senate where God meant it to be."

God, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said, "Actually, I used to be Republican, but Iíve switched to the Greens in local elections and I vote Democratic in the nationals. I just got pissed off at the way Republicans were destroying Earth. I spent nearly a week putting that place together; sometimes I even put in extra hours, like on giraffes. For some reason I had trouble with giraffes...pain in the butt really, but thatís beside the point. The point is that Iím gonna put the Smite on someone real soon if you pimply little humans donít stop screwing with my planet."

Although God has come out publicly with His Democratic endorsement, Republicans can take heart in the fact that the Archangels are still firmly in the GOP fold, while the Cherubim and Seraphim are equally split between parties. Guardian Angels surprisingly do not follow their humans political preferences, instead there have been reports that these Divine Protectors have been allowing their human charges to be hit by busses, struck by lightning and sent to Iraq if they disagree with them politically. All in all, it promises to be a interesting political season.


TV May Cause Attention Deficit Disorder

A recent study conducted by the Duh research groups suggests that Attention Defficit Disorder may in fact be caused by parents plopping their kids down in front of the Television instead of engaging in their toddlers' lives.

"It's very simple really," Nota Doctor, Duh Research group pragmitist offers. "Television watching does not cause attention deficit disorder, parents do.

"Think about it--instead of interacting with your child, speaking and sharing information with your child, you teach your child to be entertained. It's no wonder why kids are growing up to be socially inept and hostile."

When asked about claims that Television contributes to Televisions obesity, Nota had this to say about the situation, "I think its more of a matter of the little toddlers not getting off their fat little butts and parents not encouraging their children to leave the fricking house for Grand Puba's sakes. I really don't think TV has crap to do with it. How hard is it really to take your kid to the park on a Saturday?

"And these lame, worthless boo hooers who say fast paced programming and short attention grabbing commercials contribute to a short attention span. What crap! I wonder if these guys checked to see how often parents tried to engage their toddler in conversation or hell--played with their children? How is your kid supposed to learn to engage in a fifteen minute conversation with you when all you ever say to your kid is "What do you wanna watch: Sesame Street or TeleTubbies?"

"What's worse than the studies though is then you have the idiot educated who would believe anything on the news just because it was published in a study. I could print an article that a study says reading your FarceHaven Tribune promotes stronger orgasms than Viagra and some ditz or dope will be talking about it tommorrow in your breakroom as if it were the rule of God and they were the prophet Elijah.

"Then you'll have some celebrity talking about it on some morning show and then millions convert! What the hell does Joe Schmoe know about child development? Who cares? He said reading Viagra labels will raise your child's IQ by 50 points, so it must be true!"


Best of FarceHaven (June 2001): Navy Fighter Intercepts Flying Pigs off the Coast of Madagascar

Somewhere near Madagascar, CA

Naval aviators Lt. John Jackson and Col. Steven Smithers, both highly decorated warriors and all around piloting studs, would never had thought they saw what they saw last Friday unless they were under the influence of mushroom tea. Both Jackson and Smithers insist that they hadn't had any of the magical happy drink before the mission; their fellow crewmembers, however, were skeptical until a medical given by the U.S.S Numbnutz head physician cleared the two aviators of any unlawful drink intake.

Radar operator, Paul Peter Peterson, recounts the initial sighting of the flock of pigs. 'They looked like a flock of geese from where I was sitting," he answered plainly.

Pilots Jackson and Smithers had different stories to tell.

"We were flying low, very low," Smithers explained, using his hand to illustrate his aircraft's movements. "We were at a cruising of about 600 miles per hour. Warp speed mister Sulu! It was John who caught them on radar at first . . .

"Hey Steve," John squawked. "We got bogies incoming on our six." John wondered briefly why enemies always came in on a pilot's six and turned his attention back to the fight. Even in the movies, always on the six. Why not on the seven or eight? Was nine not cool enough?

"Roger that," John replied in the time-honored NASA jargon. He whipped the fighter around in a wide bank and activated his sidewinder missiles. Steve wailed out a wild approval as the gees slapped his head into the side of the cockpit leaving a bruise. "Hell ya!" he screamed. "Do that again!"

"Roger that," John replied again in that time-honored NASA jargon.

John repeated the maneuver, smacking Steve's head into the cockpit side, smashing the opposite side of the specialist's face. "Hell ya!" Steve repeated, smacking John as hard as he could in the helmet. John thought he saw Elvis for a moment . . .

"Then we were on them," Steve said excitedly. "Pigs everywhere. With cute little cupid doll wings and money signs on the sides of their body. On launched a salvo of bombs at us--good thing we couldn't smell through our cockpits.

"Furious, I dove into the flight of bombers and gatted them with my Gatlin-gun. One, two three, I picked off the little porkers with more finesse than Jackie Chan on a bottle of vodka. Links flew everywhere and here I was without any mustard."

"It was horrible," John added with a reverent shudder. "They ganged up on us like a flock of pigs. They were a flock of pigs. They were too much for us all of the sudden."

"Then John get this idea," Steve added. "He said we had to go low and gotta move fast.

"We hit the deck as fast as we could, John guiding us into this canyon. The pigs were now shooting this weird green crap at us and getting very close to hitting us many times. We whipped and we wove wondering where Wedge and Porkins were. Soon the exhaust port was in sight. John brought down his targeting computer, but we both heard a mysterious voice tell us, 'Use the Pork Duke.'

"Confused, John shut down his targeting Computer."

"John, you've shut down your targeting computer--is everything all right?"

"A-Okay," John spat, reaching down and pulling the parachute lever. "I hope you fry to a crispy color," he said, as the chute enveloped the pigs, causing them to crash into the exhaust port."

"So," Steve said, puffing away on a cigar. "After we blew up the planet, they threw us in the brig. That's all she wrote."

Later that night, as I ate my ham and bacon with the two jailed pilot, I thought to myself. "What was that green crap anyway?"


Charges Not Dropped for Kidnapper

A Sarasota, Florida judge refused to dismiss the charges against Joseph P. Smith, accused of the kidnapping, rape and murder of an eleven year old girl. The February 1st abduction made worldwide news because the actual kidnapping was caught on the security camera of a car wash. The lawyer defending Mr. Smith cited as reason for the dismissal request the chance that because of the intense media coverage resulting from the fact that Mr. Smith was stupid enough to commit three major felonyís against an eleven year old girl on tape, a jury might be prejudiced against the despicable cold blooded killer.

"We believe that Mr. Smith should get away with the kidnap, rape and murder", Assistant Public Defender Adam Tebrugge said, "After all, how can this man get a fair trial when everyone on the planet watched him lead the little girl to her death? The Reasonable Doubt defense really suffers when thereís no doubt at all. What did I do to deserve getting stuck with this case anyway? So I ate the D.A.ís Krispy Kreme Bavarian Crunch Surprise doughnut by mistake. I really thought it was my lettuce and cheese sandwich. How long am I going to have to pay for one mistake?"

"Forever.", replied Sarasota County District Attorney James A. Murphy, "The little creep thinks he can screw with the D.A.ís donuts? I donít think so."

(Authors Note: The above story is not completely accurate. Krispy Kreme Doughnuts do not make a Bavarian Crunch Surprise.)


It's Da Bomb

Eight men have been arrested in London with 1000 pounds of Ammonium Nitrate, a fertilizer that can be used to manufacture a bomb such as the one used in Oklahoma City in the United States. The plot was foiled by a garden supply company employee who grew suspicious. Ainsley (Snapdragon) Boxley- Buxton, an employee at the shop said, "It seemed a bit odd when eight gentlemen wearing keffiyahs and electric blue hand painted rubber Wellieís came in to order two Royal Sussex Trugs, a garden gnome, two rose bushes and a thousand pounds of fertilizer, but you know, Iím all for helping Western Oriental Gentlemen assimilate into British life and of course gardening is one of the cornerstones of our culture. I did warn them to use the fertilizer sparingly, you donít want to burn your roses after all."

Mr. Boxley-Buxton then alerted his fellow shopkeeper Mildred Higgens who, horrified that anyone would think of using ammonium nitrate on roses, called in the proper authorities. "Bone Meal. Thatís what you want." said Ms. Higgens.

British Anti-Terrorist units also arrested Willoughby Marjoribanks, another local gardener who was in the shop at the time of the investigation on charges that his he planted his pansies to form the words ĎBugger Blairí in his front garden.


Motion Lotion Company Sues McDonald's For Stealing 'I'm Lubing It Slogan'
By
Charity Blackemire -- Staff Writer

Super Slippery Snake Lube Motion Lotion Company recently filed a trademark infringement lawsuit against popular restaurant chain McDonald's alleging that the burger corporation had stolen its popular "I'm loving it" campaign from SSML's "I'm lubing it campaign."

Co-spokesperson and company namesake S. Lippery said "How dare McDonald's steal our slogan? Do they have any idea how long it took to come up with that bad boy?"

When Cynical Reporter Bob Chow asked whether or not Lippery understood that McDonald's slogan was 'loving it' not 'lubing it,' Lippery made the following comment:

"Of course I know McDonald's slogan is 'Loving it!' Wait a minute! You're just trying to trick me aren't you? You work for the Ronald, don't you? Well you happy faced clown sons a bitches can't fool me! I see all of you in hell or in court!"

Bob and other members of the press corps valiantly attempted to explain the difference in the two slogans but quickly decided the effort was futile, especially as happy hour had just begun at the nearby Falafel Bar on 57th street.


Easter Bunnies go on Rampage Cynical Flashback: August 2000

SANTA CRUZ--Chaos reigned on Tuesday as two disgruntled Federal Easter bunnies went on a rampage in downtown Santa Cruz, killing sixty with their brand new used Chevy Berretta. Police were allegedly tipped off to the scheme by the Big Bad Wolf.

"I overheard one of 'em saying they was gonna do some damage with a Berretta but I had no idea they meant to do it with a Chevy--a Bronco I coulda understood, but a Chevy? Come on man--it's just not done."

Despite the tip-off however, police were slow to respond to the call of the wolf because they were busily investigating the beans at a local chili cook off. "Them's damn good chili they have here," complimented Stan Dup Santa Cruz Chief of police and cook off judge. "Too bad about the rabbits though."

After police arrested the felonious conies, it was revealed that the rabbits sense of disenfranchisement stemmed from the rabbit's horrible work schedule.

"They only throw us a bone once a year, " one spat. "It's just the two of us. It was only a matter of time before we cracked."

"One day a year," the other added. "One lousy day a year. You'd think they'd treat VIPs like us better than this. Sure we can lay a couple dozen chocolate eggs for a little extra dough, but when you have a dozen children in every port, that's a lot of mouths to feed and the chocolate egg companies just don't pay like they used to.

Police declined to comment further.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Charity Blackemire
Chuck Terzella
John Blackemire
John Plante

Issues

2012
Jan 01 - 31
Jan 01 - 31

2011
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Jan 01 - 31

2010
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31
Jan 01 - 31

2009
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28

2008
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14

2007
Nov 15 - 30
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Jan 01 - 31

2006
Sep 15 - 30
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31

2005
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 15 - 31
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 15 - 30
Jun 01 - 14
May 15 - 31
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31

2004
Nov 15 - 30
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 15 - 31
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 15 - 30
Jun 01 - 14
May 15 - 31
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 29
Jan/Feb

2003
Dec 01 - 31
Nov 01 - 30
Oct 01 - 31
Sep 01 - 30
Aug 01 - 31


You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself