September 2006 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 8 Issue 8
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 January 1st - 31st  September 15th - 30th  May 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

UFO Sighting at a National Low
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

A crisis of extraterrestrial proportions is brewing according to the Brotherhood of United Land Locked Spaceship Hunters Investigating Terrestrially Transpiring Extraterrestrial Realities. People are reporting lower and lower incidents of extraterrestrial sightings despite the popularity of such show as Roswell and the 4400.

"I don't know what the problem is," Mark Corran of the BULLSHITTERS told the FarceHaven, "It's like ever since the last episode of the last Star Trek series went of the air either people or aliens just aren't interested in this shit anymore. Either that or Lucas's lame ass last Star Wars movies just turned everyone off of aliens everywhere."

While he has not provided the FarceHaven with any statistical data pertinent to the reduction of occurrences of people actively searching for extraterrestrial activity, Corran has provided us with an account, which he feels justifies his assumption that people are no longer searching for aliens.

"Well, I was in the Searcher's lounge the other night and all people want to do is shack up and have sex. Not one person there was about finding aliens."

SearcherNCC1701E had this to say in rebuttal, "Dude--it's not like we stopped searching for aliens -- we found out that people like to shag just about anything on the Internet. And chicks nowadays are realizing that the people they were picking on in high school is where the money is these days, so all our little cyber obsessions made way for scoring with the hot chicks. SearcherNX74205b has no clue what he's missing. If he knew what I was doing with SearcherNCC74656 let alone who she was when we were in high school together, he'd absolutely wet himself faster than you can say Warp 6.2."

While this reporter in the interest of objectivity will not leverage a comment on this situation, he promises himself to check out the Searchers lounge on the Internet at his earliest available opportunity. May the Farce Be With You.


Rockstar: Supernova Name Declared Lame Ass.
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

The band recently dubbed Supernova on the recent CBS show reality ROCKSTAR: Supernova was recently served an injunction by U.S. District Judge J Cobb Jingleheimershcmit. Jingleheimershcmit apparently based his decision on the grounds that Supernova was an incredibly lame-ass name for a rock band that includes rock-god former Metallica power bassist Jason Newsted.

"I've been a Metallica fan since I was in diapers," Judge J Cobb replied. "I was devastated when [Newsted] was kicked out of the band. It was sad sad day when I heard he was going to be in a that band under that name despite the fact he'd be with insane drumming great Tommy Lee and that guy who was kicked out of Guns 'N' Roses. What was his name again? I know it wasn't Slash."

"Not only was the Judge devastated," Ted T Tacklemeyer, court bailiff told the FarceHaven, "rumor has it that his French Poodle Bubalicious took its own life in respect for his owner's grief. Hell, the judge was so sad, I almost took my own life."

Representatives of the band could not be reached as they were too ashamed to be affiliated with the project. A list of potential new names was leaked to the Internet on Tuesday however, including such gems as Twinklenova, Fartsqueeze, Old Gross Smelly Has Beens, Wanna Be Gansta Rappers, Fava Bean Reject Death Corps and Vile Grease Monkey Excremental Ju Ju Juice.


Bible Thumpers of America Needs Conversionists
By
John Blackemire -- Staff Writer

Are you a devout believer of the the one and only true faith on this planet? Is it your mission in life to save all those ignorant people around you? Do you have what it takes to stare in the face of the enemy and tell him he is wrong?

Bible Thumpers of America needs hundreds of devoted souls willing to travel the earth and spread the word, risking life, limb and longevity in a moral Crusade in our God for guns program. That's right, you and twenty of your closest allies will travel to the Middle East aboard the cruiseship God's Chosen where will you enjoy a 6 week seminar on conversion techniques aimed as disarming the opposition of Christianity through love and words. They will give you thier guns in exchange for the Word of God. Applicants are encouraged to increase thier life insurance policies before leaving for the seminar.


The Band Formerly Known as SuperNova Defend Frontman Selection

The Rockstar Reality Show Band Formerly Known as SuperNova defended their selection of front man Lukas Rossi during an interview with the FarceHaven Tribune Thursday as fan backlash clogged the Internet. While the band barely acknowledges the backlash, they choose to issue a response nonetheless.

"What people forget," Supernova voice Tommy Lee told the FarceHaven, "is that when you get two hot celebrities backup musicians like Jason and me and you add Gilby in the mix is that we three have a vested image to protect. We had Lukas picked from day one, Just like INXS had picked JD. I mean the guy's a fucking wimp. We--retain control of the band because we can always steamroll over Lukas. Dilana and Storm, way too strong for us. Dilana was still pushing him around before the finals. Besides, Lukas's got something the girls don't -- this cute fuzzy animal look to him that just makes you want to pet that dead skunk on his head he calls hair. And all this shit about could a woman front Supernova -- well, let's just say the jury's given a verdict on that one."

"For me," Gilby cuts in, "the easy choice was to cut Magni. You know, I like the guy and everything and he clearly had a superior voice to Lukas, but when I saw him playing guitar with the House Band, I thought -- 'Holy Shit! The guy can play. The second I realized he might show me up, take a little bit of my limited limelight away, I knew he had to go. After all, I wasn't exactly the guy in Guns 'N' Roses known for playing the guitar, you know what I'm saying? Slash wouldn't even touch the show."

"We had that problem with Toby too," Jason adds with the usual 'I'm taking a crap while I speak' look on his face. "You see--Toby's original song was just too damn good, made ours look like crap -- well, they are crap. His voice, as I've said on the show, had no problem sailing over the guitars and has grown up a notch, then another notch and another notch. He's a young guy with plenty of growth potential, we couldn't have him stealing our limelight and let's face it, we're not young guys. His shtick will just keep getting better and better and better while the rest of stayed on a plateau. That's not the situation you want when you're replaceable. How else would you explain someone who had such a great rapport with the crowd, who had such a memorable song getting the shaft so early in the final four? I'll put it this way -- you find one person who remembers the chorus from a Supernova original and I'll eat Tommy's hat."

When asked how four purported musical moguls could possibly commit trademark infringement when selecting the band's already taken name Supernova, Tommy sheepishly looked around the Taco Bell we interviewed at and said, "Hey dogs! Tommy Lee's in the hizzle. Can I get a hell ya?" While this FarceHaven reporter may have chosen a better venue than a Compton Taco Bell for this interview, the resulting look on Lee's face while all the real gangsters took a piece of him was priceless.


Best of FarceHaven (May 2004):
Man Arrested For Misconduct With A Motor Vehicle

A Texas man was arrested Tuesday for, according to police reports, 'misconduct with a motor vehicle.'

"It all began two Tuesdays before the current Tuesday," Jed Cuffit, police spokesmen, told the assembled press last Tuesday. "911 dispatchers get a call from one Martha Toadwart, area busybody claiming that our suspect was doing unmentionable things to his 1954 Cadillac El Derado."

When asked what was being done to the El Derado, Cuffit replied. "Well damn it all! Didn't I say what he did was unmentionable! How am I supposed to mention the unmentionable act our unnamed suspect committed to aforementioned vehicle when the danged fool deed was unmentionable???? All I can say is that man's lucky we figured out that man's car was a girl car cause if it was a boy car we Texans would have had us a hangin'!"

"Now hold on a minute there sheriff," Pete Peterson, reporter for the FarceHaven Gazette, Texas based competitor for the FarceHaven Tribune interjected. "If it's all right by you to shoot someone who's messing with your truck and to shoot your wife for cheatin' on you, then what could this man have possibly done that was so bad that you can't talk about it?"

"Look--" Cuffit replied. "What a man does in his own garage with his car is his own busines. Why, when I was a boy, I used to put on this tu tu and smother my chest with whipped cream before visiting my Hemi, and I don't know what the hell Martha was doing looking in that window, but she had a video camera.

Cuffit has enlisted the aid of former special prosecutor Kenneth Star, who agreed to join the investigation deeming the issue one of the gravest national importance. Both men expect to see results by the end of the week.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
John Blackemire
John Plante

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself