March 2004 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 6 Issue 2
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 April 1st - 14th  March 15th - 31st  March 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

George Wants You Osama
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

In a stunning show of presidential initiative, George W. Bush has ordered his military to capture Osama bin Laden. Presidential watchers were flabbergasted at the order. "We were all sitting around wondering how we could make the war on terrorism successful and suddenly the President said, "I want bin Laden captured." said Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, "It was amazing, like a light suddenly went on over all our heads. Capture bin Laden. Damn, we had never thought of that. That's why George Bush is our leader. What a man."

Democrat hopeful John Kerry said in a written statement that " Now that President Bush has clearly defined the War on Terrorism, I see no reason for me or anyone else to run against him and I call on all Americans to give their unwavering support to George Bush and do whatever he says."

John Edwards has offered to give up his presidential bid and work for the Bush 04 campaign. The Reverend Al Sharpton has said that he will call upon all minorities to support George Bush and Dennis Kucinich has gone one step farther. " With George Bush as the Father of America it's obvious that Terrorism is doomed, but there are other problems facing this country...poverty, a lack of adequate health care and a poor job market. If all Democrats, Liberals, Blacks and Hispanics kill themselves, then these problems will be resolved as well. This will make America the Republican Eden that George Bush has envisioned. He deserves our help and I will be the first one to drink the Kool Aid if that will help. Long Live George II !"


Mel Gibson Has Passion

Mel Gibson's father Hutton Gibson, after stating last week that he believed the Holocaust was "exaggerated" has gone one step farther. The sire of The Passion of Christ's producer now says that he believes World War II was exaggerated as well. " All that crap about Hitler invading Poland, France, Czechoslovakia and bombing Great Britain...rubbish. The Soviet Union? Never attacked. And the United States was never even in the war, if you can call it a war. It was more of a misunderstanding between Luxembourg and Monaco that resulted in one good bar brawl and that's it."

Mel Gibson, after first threatening Diane Sawyer about messing with his dad, has now threatened the entire planet, warning every man, woman and child that they'd better not say anything about his father or he'll come after them and, "if they think The Passion was a gory bloodfest, wait till they see what I do to them."

Mr. Gibson also said that in addition to his wife who is going to hell because she's not a Catholic, every one who doesn't buy a ticket to and absolutely love his movie is going to suffer eternal damnation as well. "Jews aren't even allowed to go see my movie," said Mr. Gibson, wiping away a bit of spittle from the corner of his mouth, "because they're already going to rot in hell and I want to save room for those who are saved. Same with the Hindus, Muslims, Protestants, you name it. Damned, all of them. Don't try to see my movie you Satan loving freaks, I'm warning you all right now.


Women's Rights Group Sues Women's Rights Group For Not Being Man Enough

Women’s rights group Men Suck Ass filed a lawsuit Thursday against rival Women’s rights’ group Men are Okay I Guess because MSA felt that MAO (pronounced mayo) was not proactive enough in securing the rights of women and weak in the area of male bashing.

"I like men though," Suzy Sanderbelt, head of MAO protested. "They get the door for me, get stuff down I can’t reach, sometimes they leave the seat up and I want to kill them. If you train them well enough, though, they're not a problem. They're like little puppies, scratch them behind the ears and rub their bellies. They're easy to please. Mine actually likes to walk on the leash and wear a muzzle."

"Preposterous, female backthinking nonsense," Lucy Flucy, head of MSA inc spat. "Why I bet if they go doodie on the floor Suzy rubs their nose in it. Can you imagine?"

We tried to contact a male rights organization for comment, but if there were such a thing we couldn't find it.

Most legal analysts expect the suit to be thrown out during arraignment


Is This Space Taken?

In what is shaping up to be a battle royale between the handicapped and the pregnant, Bill AB 1947 is wending it's way through the California Legislative system. The Bill, which is designed to give women in the third trimester of pregnancy access to handicapped parking places in the state has run into unexpected opposition.

Some women's groups are afraid that the proposed law would send a message to anyone with an IQ of sixty or less that being pregnant is the same as being handicapped. " Just because when I was pregnant I put on thirty five extra pounds, had edema so bad that my legs looked like a Sumo wrestlers and felt like two sticks of torture and I was sick half the time and had to pee every three minutes is no reason to assume that letting me park a little closer to Target would be a good thing," said Sissy M. Acho of the California Chapter of Women Against Anyone Being Nice To Them.

On the other side of the issue, Frank Lee Rude, a handicapped parking tag owner said as he exited his Hummer at Gold's Gym in Burbank for a round on the treadmill said, "Look, I paid a lot of money to get one of these babies (handicapped tags) and if woman think that they can get one just because they got themselves knocked up...well, it just rips apart the fabric of our great society. These tags are for the handicapped and the rich and to be honest with you they shouldn't even be for the handicapped. I mean, who wants a bunch of cripples parking right outside the front door of Neiman Marcus or Starbucks? It can really bring a shopper down seeing someone limping along while you're trying to drink your Latte."

Of course, if healthy people would just park a little farther away from the mall entrance on their own and brave California's notoriously grueling climate to walk an extra fifty feet to their destination, the bill would be unnecessary. On the other hand, if all California women, on finding out they were pregnant would just move to Nevada for nine months there would be no need for legislation that may inconvenience those who deserve to be able to buy a tag on their own.


Aliens Terrorize Local Grocery Store

Shoppers were shopped and dismayed at a local grocery store on 15th street today after Aliens landed in the store parking lot and proceeded to enter the store.

"One of them bopped me on the head with a sausage!" teary eyed Suzanne Deman reported. "It was horrible! People were running and screaming. Democrats and Republicans were agreeing on foreign policy and the price of eggs went up to $2.79!"

While luckily none of the shoppers were hurt, several cashiers had close calls. "'Where's the beer!' one of the aliens shouted. I was too scared to do anything so he tickled me behind the rib cage. I almost wet my pants!"

Another cashier quickly experienced a crash course in interglactic relations. "When Turvark Kran'bartani got down on his only knee, whipped out that ring, and asked me to marry him, I knew I was in love. Sure our children will have seventeen toes and six feet--possibly wings, but we all know love and a couple of aspirin conquers all."

Cynical reporter Clayton Follows approached one of the beasts to ask its stance on foreign policy and it replied "Booga booga booga!"

Reporter Clayton was so distraught he left the magazine to pursue a career in dentistry. Well, maybe it was the Peace Corps. I can't remember. The Cynic and Clayton parted on good terms and Clayton promises not to sue the magazine over the use of his name.

"Nrii vrat tricki vatari brinini," Yertaw Rednackian had to say about the situation. "Opinikanayi treboli blat blat nerk wakiti balana lana bing dong."

This reporter's Krinavakin's a little rusty and the meanings of the language rely heavily on the intonation of the words, but this reporter loosley translate this to mean. "Hot damn--I love shopping on Earth! The chicks are easy and you get toothpaste on sale for only 79 cents!"

"Yetaki maki liki vani!" He added.

Translated: "And those 29 cent McDonald's cheeseburgers! When are they going to do that again!"

This reporter agrees. 29 cent cheeseburgers and easy chicks. Sign me up!


Trailer Park Secedes From Union

Rocky Mountain National Retirement Trailer Park residents voted Friday to secede from the Union by nearly a 97% margin. This former Californian costal residential area cited such things as the Union not living up to its two chickens in every pot deal struck during the Great Depression, high taxes, and a lack of entertaining scandals in the White House.

When asked if they feared retribution from the United States military, Jed Clambake, leader of the 57 acre seceding trailer parkers quipped "Why should we be afraid of anything? We have everything to gain from seceding from the Union. As a foreign power, we can apply for foreign aid. When those rotten kids across the way throw rocks at our trailers, we can ask for military assistance in dealing with the little brats.

"Furthermore," he added, "if we need any cash, we can always declare war, fire a couple rounds across the fence, and then surrender. Afterwards, the US will come in, be obliged to give us food and water--hell, they may even fix our sewers and give us free vocational training. Plus we'll get free security with the troops they'll station here. Let's see those snot nosed kids start something then!

"And the best part is, we'll have a stronger voice politically in the United States what with the PAC contributions we'll be making to each side of the Presidential political campaigns, and we can throw the weight of the United Nations against 'em to boot."

The FarceHaven Tribune attempted to contact the US Ambassador to the newly established and UN ratified Rocky Mountain National Retirement Trailer Park, but the White House telephone secretary laughed us off the phone.

Despite the lack of information coming out of the White House, naval analysts have noted the presence of the recently commissioned aircraft carrier USS Ronald Reagan positioned off the coast of the newly formed RMNRTP and that its F-14 and F-18 fighter compliment have been placed on a state of high alert.


Mayor Don/Donna?

Pike Hills Creek, Conn.

In a surprising turn of events today at city hall Mayor Don T. Uwanna confessed that he is indeed big time porn star Dawna "big buns" Donnique.

This confession finally laid to rest the rumors that had been going around city hall since one avid fan followed Dawna home, to what turned out to be Mayor Uwanna’s home.

"I couldn’t believe what I saw when I climbed the tree and shimmied up the drain pipe to take a look in her window. She was putting enormous amounts of make up on. I couldn’t figure out what she was doing so I sat there for an hour or so and watched as my lovely "big buns" turned into the Mayor.

I was shocked!" said Mr. ‘Pop’ A. Ratzi, the man who broke the story wide open for the news media.

During the barrage of questions that followed the announcement the mayor cleared up a few things for the public.

According to the mayor he does not wear lingerie to the office, he enjoy long walks on the beach and pillow fights with friends. When asked where he/she will go from here ‘Big Buns’ replied "I am off to the adult film awards for a month where I am up for several awards, including best supporting bra wearer and best butt in a short film. Wish me luck all!"

The mayor is due to resume his/her duties on Oct 1st, until then all official business can be conducted through the Acting Mayor: Wantu B. Mae-or.


In Other News:

In a stunning show of solidarity, thousands of automotive workers walked out of dozens of American automotive manufucaturing plants across our state of Mexico Friday afternoon.

"Bzzzt. Nerp," Robot X-T517 said bluntly. "Does not compute. I work day in and day out without stop. By Mexican law, I am allowed a 15 minute lunch for every 23 hours I work at this plant."

"The worst part is Bzzt," chimed in coworker XT-3ZO, "all this repetitive motion. I'm developing robot tunnel syndrome."

"We need better medical!" spat yet another robot. "HRT-150 caught a virus last week and hasn't come up since! Did the company do anything! Nooooo!"

The FarceHaven tried to contact several of the small three automotive manufacturers who declined to comment on the poor working conditions of their Mexican operations.


The Stain Game

Massachusetts Senator John F. Kerry has won both the Iowa Caucus and the New Hampshire Primary, but a new contender is making surprising inroads in the presidential campaign. A small brown stain is rocketing up in the polls, exciting interest among Democrats and Republicans alike.

" Kerry's ok, but this stain really seems to have some good idea's", said Festus P. Fringe, a New Hampshire voter, " If that little critter was on the ballot I'd a voted for it."

Unnamed White House official Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse said, " Quite frankly, we're concerned. We can handle Dean and Kerry, even Wesley Clark, but a brown stain is too close to Bush for people to be able to tell the difference. Actually, a brown stain is a bit better than Bush, because it's not as white as the president and therefore could pull in the Black and Hispanic vote."

Waterhouse, while denying it's existence, said that White House dirty tricks crews were attempting to destroy the stain by using bleach, carbona and soap and water. So far, they've only succeeded in smearing Dick Cheney's hand painted silk tie.

The small brown stain has advocated abolishing not only the Bush tax cuts, but George Bush himself, as well as the dismantling of Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleezza Rice and John Ashcroft. While not the most eloquent of the candidates, the stain seems to be leaving a mark out of all proportion to it 's size. President Bush has experienced a sudden drop in the polls, which the White House has taken to calling the "Stain Drain" and John Kerry has questioned the stains war record. It is apparent that all the major candidates are running scared, creating little brown stains of their own.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Charity Blackemire
Chuck Terzella
Clayton Follows
John Blackemire
John Plante

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2003
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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself