April 2006 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 8 Issue 4
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 May 1st - 14th  April 15th - 30th  April 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Republican Senate Raises Debt Limit- Happy Days Are Here Again
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

In the face of the first ever default on U.S. Treasury Notes in American history, Congress has voted to raise the National Debt Limit to nearly 9 Trillion ($9,000,000,000,000.00) dollars. The nearly Party Line vote of 52-48 allows President Bush to tack an additional thirty thousand ($30,000) dollars of debt onto every man, woman and child in the United States. The increase in the debt limit was accomplished after Congress placed emergency phone call to Visa/Master Card and explained that it needed to raise itís limit in order to pay for the War in Iraq. Since Mr. Bush took office, Republicans, or the Party of Fiscal Responsibility as they once were jokingly called, has increased the statutory debt limit by nearly three trillion (3,000,000,000.00) dollars. This comes in addition to President Bush just giving away nearly all of the 237 billion ($237,000,000,000.00) budget surplus left to him by the Clinton Administration. The White House celebrated the newly found money by defeating an effort by Congressional Democrats to add 1.2 billion (1,200,000,000.00) for domestic security programs and asking Congress to remove grey wolves from the Endangered Species List.


Breaking the Wind of Change
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

According to White House Press Secretary Scott Mcellan, White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolten told White House aides and staffers, "if you're thinking about leaving at some time in the future, now would be a good time to do it." While no aides or staffers have been reported to have voiced thier intention to leave the Bush administration, some feel that a mass desertion may in fact be inevitable.

"Look," Janet Tailburrow, alleged White House Insider told the FarceHaven,"when the rats start jumping off the fucking boat, you better get some spring on your shoes and start jumping too.

"When the head honcho rat tells you you better jump ship, it's time to pack your shit and get the fuck out of Never Never Land, you know what I'm saying?"

"I once said the Bush Administration was going to do things of Titanic proportions," Jake Trembler, probable Insider added. "By titanic, I was thinking they'd be doing great things not alluding to a boat and a really big fucking iceberg. Problem is, you can't figure out the iceberg."

When asked to speculate on who is the iceberg mentioned in Trembler's statement, an unidentified White House spokepersion revealed, "An iceberg is like an island as like we all are in our eternal quest for puppy love-making peace, in that great sea of tranquil desire and lack-luster disappointment. But sometimes we all need a rolled up newspaper spanking -- just a little nudge of outer self discipline influenced by our inner child of choclately goodness and nugget caramel centers. But I digress. The answer to your question is 2."

When asked to explain what he was talking about, said unidentified White House spokesperson responded. "How the hell do I know -- you're the one asking the questions."


Lots of Thugs, Losers and Dead Enders, But No Insurgents
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Approximately 1,500 American and Iraqi troops continued to scour the villages and fields north of the Iraqi capital Baghdad during Operation Swarmer. While finding a portion of the 350 tons of explosives that General Tommy Franks allowed to slip through his fingers at the start of the invasion and which Iraqi insurgents have slowly been giving back in the form of roadside bombs, the combined U.S./Iraqi forces have so far found no actual insurgents, leading Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to conclude that the insurgency actually never happened in the first place and all those American and Iraqi deaths since the invasion began were the result of íslip and fallí accidents rather than a poorly planned occupation. Expressing relief at the news, the newly installed Iraqi Congress asked President George W. Bush to remove grey wolves from the Endangered Species List.


Congress Amends Constitution to Allow Foreigners to Run for President
By
Bob Brighton -- Staff Writer

After years of debate Congress has finally agreed to allow foreign born nationals to contend for presidency. Senator William Brickenbracken of Wisconsin informed the delegation, "Our founding fathers weren't really born in the United States. The United States did not exist until after their birth. Through changes in our society it became law. In our day and age, something needs to be done and this is what the people want." Senator Eugene Edward of Alabama, known for his conspiracy theories, argued against the amendment but inevitably lost. "He started well asking 'Is this what our founding fathers wanted' but lost everyone when he brought up the UFOs."

Capital Hill has been abuzz with rampant speculation on an unspecified list of names detailing potential presidential hopefuls. One particular (or peculiar) candidate is the President formerly known as Clinton. Recent rumor puts Bill Clinton in Tijuana reportedly purchasing a home and changing his name to Juan Valdez and applying for Mexican citizenship. Harvard law professor Reginald Smyth commented, "It does seem there is a loophole in the new amendment. We may see a battle in the Supreme Court as to whether this nullifies the Presidential term limits." Panic has stricken the UN and wars declared as countless nations attempt to enter their own nationals into the country.

An unnamed White House source has been circulating regarding the existence of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Skeptics believe Arnold to be nothing more than an amalgam or composition of various bodybuilder stereotypes. "He's just too good to be true. Not even the best comedy writers in Hollywood could create a better character." Leopold Antoinette, former Hollywood screenwriter, bodybuilder, and founder of Leo's House of Ribs, states, "What are you talking about? My buddies and I created him back in 72. He was based on my old high school gym teacher. He would threaten to bench press us when we acted up." Several other character writers, who all wish to remain anonymous, all have similar stories and admit to borrowing things from "the great Leo" but all insist they have individually added to the character. "It just happened. It started normally and the next thing we realized, it became self perpetuating."

In an added twist, Saddam Hussein has thrown his hat into ring, announcing Tuesday his intention of running for US government office. Saddam was difficult to reach for comment. The high ranking prisoner of way, however, through his translator stated, "I am the one guy that can end the war in Iraq. I have no ill feelings for George W. In fact, just this week I sent him an invitation to be my Vice President. Next to him, anyone can look good."

In a related story, former pimp grandmaster Bran Muffin, known as B. Muff after his father's bakery, announced his candidacy. His platform centers on reducing the deficit through investing in his "service providers" and socializing health care for "my babies' momma."

The public has responded well to the atmosphere and "credibility" he would bring to office. A man known simply as Lenny, a neighborhood butcher on 23rd, said, "I enjoy his colorful wardrobe, especially his purple hat." When asked about his wardrobe, George W. commented, "I want to wear a purple hat too but Laura wont let me because she said doesn't match my Scooby Doo underwear." In an interview for the Daily Tripe Al Gore said he doesn't have the color coordination to compete with a bona fide pimp but suggested Hillary Clinton is perfect for the job and is very experienced in the field.

B. Muff was frightened when we asked him about Hillary's skills as a pimp. "That is the ONE person that can out pimp me. Even a grandmaster as myself can't compete on her level."


Tomís Cruising Again
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

And finally (to which we all say, Thank Christ) representatives for Tom Cruise have flatly denied that the tight ass actor had nothing to do with Comedy Central pulling a re-run of a South Park episode that suggested Mr. Cruise was queer as a three dollar bill and derided Scientology as a "religion", which itís really not. Word is that homo-phobic Cruise threatened to cancel an upcoming promotional tour plugging his latest self-stroking vehicle, Mission Impossible III, subtitled, Here We Go Again, an allegation that the Gay Communities fantasy boy toy flatly denies but no one believes.

South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone sent a letter to Variety saying: "So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! . . . You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail!"

Grey Wolves have responded to the crisis by asking President Bush to remove them from the Endangered Species List.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bob Brighton
Chuck Terzella
John Plante

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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