March 2006 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 8 Issue 3
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 April 1st - 14th  March 15th - 31st  March 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Spork Achieves Acceptance in Fine Dining Community.
By
Bob Brighton -- Staff Writer

This week’s meeting of the top etiquette experts ends years of debates and arguments by declaring sporks are to be placed on the right of the main dining plate between the spoons and knives. Immediately following this news a war of words broke out amongst many other experts whether to completely eliminate spoons and forks from the dining arena completely. Some analysts have even gone as far as suggested replacing both sporks and knifes with a hybrid "splade" or another similar utensil. Some analysts feel however that introducing the splade at this critical juncture may ultimately drive deeper rifts in the dining community. One diner in a well-established restaurant says, "Some things are just not done. You don’t cut your steak with your spoon! That’s blasphemy!" At the same time another diner said "I would eat with my bare hands if they let me."

Although proponents of both the spork and its sister tool the splade feel that they can claim some sense of accomplishment in the spork's recognition in the dining etiquette community, they can never rest until the splade, sister of the spork achieves its rightful place beside its brother.


Something’s a Foot at Church Picnic and Pajama Party
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

It was a quiet Sunday afternoon at Sunday Twenty Third Adventist Greek Orthodox Roman Catholic Baptist Church when two Twenty Third Adventist Greek Orthodox Roman Catholic Baptists were observed partaking in a heated conversation at the Tenth Annual Twenty Third Adventists Greek Orthodox Roman Catholic Baptist Church Tri-Annual Picnic and Pajama Party. But this has nothing at all to do with the unfolding events.

"Well it all started out innocently enough," Ted Templeton of Oklahoma, Kansas told the FarceHaven. "Good ol’ Suzy Sara Samheizel was waiting patiently in line for Baptism when the fever grips her. So she starts gyrating, shaking and of course Suzy Sara has the obligatory rattlesnake or two in hand at this moment and well, let’s just say those little fellers get pissed when the person holding them starts a gyrating, vibrating and carrying on, so of course they’re going to look for someone to bite.

"Well, the tuckus of Jenny Francis Sanbria is a mighty fine one and believe you me, I’d thought a time or two of taking a bite myself if not for jail time, restraining orders and the like. So both of the rattlesnakes open their jaws wide, snap to and take a chomp of poor Miss Sanbria’s rump in a flash.

"Now some speculate this little situation was preconcocted by some of the younger folk at the Baptism who were keen on assisting Miss Sanbria with a healthy does of oral poison removal. Fortunately the snakes were intercepted handily by Jimmy Bo Jim Bob Santini’s pet mongoose and alleged half sister Truck Buster who ran off with the two rattlesnakes into the woods to enjoy a mid-day supper. It was at this point that a tiny marble sized meteorite came streaking through the air striking the poor mongoose dead and saving the rattlesnakes at the last minute.

A spokesperson for the two rattlesnakes related, "Both Tracy and Lu Lu are both resting comfortably and wish to express their condolences to the family of Truck Buster and her brother Jimmy Bo Bob on the circumstance of the unfortunate mongoose-meteorite collision."

In related news, Tracy and Lu Lu have both taken advantage of their newfound celebrity with Tracy landing a record deal with Slither Slather Records and Lu Lu rumored to receive a record breaking 6.2 billion dollars to appear nude in January’s issue of Playboy Magazine. Both are in negotiation with Hollywood over the exclusive movie rights to their ordeal.


Senator Russ Feingold To Put George Bush Censure Resolution Before Congress
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Saying, "The President has broken the law and, in some way, he must be held accountable," Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold promised that he would introduce a censure resolution against United States President George W. Bush. The verbal spanking that is a Presidential Censure has only been used once before in our nations history, that time against Andrew Jackson in 1834.

Calling Mr. Feingold’s statements, "Crazy talk" (actually he said it was "a crazy political move), Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist condemned Mr. Feingold’s move. Currently under investigation by the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) for insider trading and the surgeon who once diagnosed Terri Schaivo’s mental capacities via video tape, Senator Frist would presumably know quite a bit about crazy political moves, and should therefore be listened to.

The five page resolution says the President "repeatedly misled the public" before disclosing what every Liberal and Democrat kinda figured all along . . . that the White House was using the NSA to spy on them. Not that there’s anything wrong with that; after all, we Liberals and Democrats need spying on, but to lie about it . . . well, that just takes the cake.

While a Censure vote would look bad on his resume’, it would not stop Mr. Bush from breaking any other laws the way, say, Impeachment and a long prison term would, but apparently Mr. Feingold believes that in America in the 21st century, you gotta take what you can get. And sadly, Mr. Feingold won’t get even the Censure passed and he knows it. Majority Congressional Republicans, while scrambling over each other to distance their mid-term campaigns from Mr. Bush and his growing mental and political problems, are not quite ready to take that next step and admit that the guy they spent the last four and a half years blindly following was a common criminal, maybe even an uncommon one. That, while the truth, might make them look bad.

Senator Frist, appearing on one of ABC's talking heads shows, said he was worried that al-Qaeda would hear about Mr. Feingold’s resolution and worse, his Congressional counter-parts Rep. John Conyers planned legislation demanding an actual impeachment inquiry. "The signal that it sends, that there is in any way a lack of support for our commander in chief who is leading us with a bold vision in a way that is making our homeland safer, is wrong," Mr. Frist said. al-Qaeda responded, saying, "God, it’s been so long since we’ve listened to that whacko Bush was doing that it just doesn’t matter, so get on with it."


Utah Man Trades Commode For Country
By
Bob Brighton -- Staff Writer

A Utah man Jeb Trinkettaker has declared his bathroom to be an "independent, sovereign state" he calls Bathland. Congress and local officials refuse to release details of the situation in fear that many other bathrooms across America will soon follow suit. Sources have obtained statements Trinkettaker suggesting was "tired of taking the government's shit and thought he'd take one himself." When sources asked why he chose to found a new country in his bathroom, he replied sitting on his "throne" was the one place where he felt like a king.

President Bush, apparently jealous that he is no longer the only self-perceived King in North America has alerted the National Guard. Military analysts have begun to suspect that Weapons of Mass Destruction may in fact exist in Bathland. Recent approval rating polls in this newly formed nation rate President Bush’s handling of the crisis at 42%.

In related news, toilet paper companies across the world have reported record low first quarter earnings for 2006 as toilet paper use continues on a steady state of decline.

"People just ain't using toilet paper anymore," industry spokesman Samuel H Wipeman told the FarceHaven. 'Can't say I know what the hell they're using these days, but it ain't toilet paper."

"It's a sign of the breakdown of society," industry worker Sarah T Faithkeeper, said in a released statement. "First it was teen pregnancy, the crack epidemic, Pee Wee Herman, and now this! How can society function without TP?"

Bush has introduced a new bill in Congress creating sanctions against Bathland, specifically halting the export of toilet paper to the miniscule country in an effort to flush out the would-be king.


Show Me The Way To Go Home:
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

A poll conducted by Zogby International and the Center for Peace and Global Studies at Le Moyne College in Syracuse, N.Y.( Go Syracuse and La Moyne! (it’s like, a mile from where I live) found that 2 out of 3 soldiers serving in Iraq think that the United States should bring them home within the year, please dear God, please. While certainly not an indictment of the fighting capabilities or spirit of the serving troops and possibly not even an indictment against George W. Bush as their Commander in Chief . . . oh, hell, yes it is an indictment against their idiot Commander in Chief and his Secretary of Dense Donald Rumsfeld and their idiot policy of Pre-Emptive Liberation. Even the military, as a group, the most conservative and loyal members of our society think it’s time to get the hell out. In fact, the only two people on the planet who still want to stay are Rumsfeld and Bush. The bus is rolling boys . . . get on or get out.


Recent News from the Fashion World: Pink is the New Pink
By
Bob Brighton -- Staff Writer

Hair artist Ferdinando Maxwell recently told us, "It takes a man really secure in his masculinity to pull off a pink purse." "Pinking," as it is called, involves emersion into all things pink. A Las Vegas dentist, who wishes to remain anonymous, has been experimenting with adding pigments to color teeth pink as well as other colors. "Most people want to have bright, white teeth but increasingly some have wished to have their teeth match their ensemble." With contacts, hair dyes, and teeth pigments, individuals can take fashion to unprecedented levels.

And pinking is turning up in some of the most unexpected places. Take the sudden change of attire of inmates at Fulsom County prison, who turned in their prison drab for shocking pink jumpsuits. Or the Georgia State Police who are seeking to take the edge of traffic stops.

"I used to be so scared when the Georgia State Mounties would pull me over," Frank Dishdangler told the FarceHaven. "But I just can't take them seriously when they step out of their squad cars in their pink little tutus, tip-toeing their little hearts out on over to my car with little tiaras on -- it's all I can do to stop laughing when I see those mirrored sunglasses and they call me 'boy.'"

When asked if the White House would ever consider a change in raiment, President Bush replied, "Well, hell yes. Who wouldn't wanna wear a tutu? And better still, I'll get me a red cape and tall high heeled leather boots to go with it. I will fight crimes, left rights, right lefts and triumph over you foul beast. And when you ask me, 'Why sir, why do you call me foul beast?,' I shall reply unto you 'Because I am manly and I wear pink, and I wear pink as if it were my God given right to wear pink. And who are you to tell me I can't wear pink.' And you shall cower in fear and all will be well on Capital Hill.

"Besides, " Bush adds "with a great outfit like that, Cheney could be my sidekick. We will dress him in a green puppy suit and I will call him my bitch. And I shall send him forth to combat the enemies of democratic righteousness like a Biblical plague." Bush smiles. "And if he's good. I will give him a biscuit."

While it remains to be seen if the President achieves success in the crime fighting arena, recent polls indicate his approval rating may increase by ten points if he wears the tutu to all Presidential functions.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bob Brighton
Chuck Terzella
John Plante

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself