October 2005 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 7 Issue 10
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 November 1st - 14th  October 15th - 31st  October 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

The Scorecard #1
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

As a service to the nation, the White House will begin issue weekly reports and updates that will provide confused Republicans with a running scorecard of current indictments and ongoing investigations of various Party leaders and their minions, as it’s just getting to be too overwhelming for anyone to keep straight. The first installment is as follows:

Bill Frist: The Republican Leader of the Senate is under SEC investigation for the sale of stock in his family business just weeks before it tanked, ala’ Martha Stewart. Mr. Frist claims he was just divesting in anticipation of a run for the Presidency in 2008. If that’s true, then thank God he was able to take a substantial profit from the sale when everybody else lost big time.

Tom DeLay: The Republican House Speaker has been forced to step down from that post as he is under indictment for fraud related to campaign finances... Mr. DeLay has also been accused of illegally soliciting campaign contributions, laundering campaign contributions to influence state legislative races and the improper use of his office to influence various federal agencies. Rebuked by a House Ethics Committee at the end of September 2004 for pressuring a fellow member of the House to switch his vote on a health care bill, Mr. DeLay has also been subpoenaed to give information regarding his use of the Federal Aviation Administration to track down a plane owned by a rival Texas Democrat who fled the state rather than allow Mr. DeLay to illegally change voting district boundaries to aid his fellow Republicans. None of this can possibly be true. Do you hear me? None of it.

Karl Rove: The Bush Administration’s White House Chief of Staff is currently under investigation in the Valerie Plame Affair; indications are that Mr. Rove committed Treason b naming a covert CIA agent to columnist Robert Novak, which is really no big deal.

Scooter Libby: Vice President Dick Cheney’s Chief of Staff is also being investigated for Treason in the Plame Affair, as well as for having a dopey nickname.

David H. Safavian: Bush Administration Procurement policy chief, arrested by the FBI for lying and obstructing a criminal investigation of Jack Abramoff.

Michael Brown: The FEMA head and Bush political appointee was forced to resign in the wake of Hurricane Katrina when it was revealed that he lied on his resume about his disaster experience. Apparently, he’s learned a lot more about disasters now that he’s responsible for the loss of a city and the deaths of hundreds.

As more arrests and indictments occur the Bush Administration will strive to keep you as misinformed as they possibly can.


God & Dubya's Rift
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Citing Rift, God Says He’s No Longer On Speaking Terms With George W. Bush

In a shocking statement issued earlier today, God, the Creator of the Universe, has formally cut all diplomatic and personal ties with United States President George W. Bush. In a Celestial Press Conference, God’s Voice, or Metatron as he/she/it is known on Earth said, "From this day forward he (Mr. Bush) shall be as one unknown to the Lord and he shall wander the Earth lost and alone, without succor or peace, and shall never again know the Glory of The Lord. In other words...he’s toast."

The Celestial Press Conference (CPC), attended by reporters from the Christian Science Monitor, Imperator News Services and the Reverend Pat Robertson who was there vainly seeking to get his Celestial Press Pass re-instated in the wake of his advocating political assassination as a tool to further God’s Message of Love, was not expected to hold any real surprises; certainly no one present expected an announcement of such import. Normally, CPC’s are given over to routine matters such as how many angels fit on the heads of pins and how many pins fit in the head of Jerry Falwell, so no one was prepared for the Metatrons’ edict, which resulted in pandemonium.

Citing the fact that President Bush has gotten everything that He told him wrong, the Metatron told the assembled reporters that God had finally "just had enough of the little jerk" and was cutting him loose. In future, the Metatron continued, God would now speak only to the singer and noted Kabbalah practitioner Madonna. Sales of the singers albums and children’s books are expected to surge on the news.

For George W. Bush, already under intense pressure from his sagging poll numbers due to his miss-handling of the War in Iraq (which the Metatron called "the single most screwed up military strategy since Pickett’s Charge"), the response to Hurricane Katrina ("Nero did a better job saving Rome from burning") as well as the bankrupting of the nation’s treasury, the rape of the environment, the gutting of Social Security and a host of other allegations, investigations and indictments of it’s chief supporters and advisors, the news couldn’t have come at a worse time. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " I gotta admit, I feel sorry for the little guy (President Bush). Not too many people were talking to him already before this happened, so he really looked forward to his bull sessions with God. Now, with God not speaking to him either he just wanders around the West Wing looking so lost and alone. Even Laura doesn’t take his calls anymore."


The Scorecard #2
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

The Republican Administration of George W. Bush has released "Scorecard- Page Two". The Scorecard Concept, which is an effort by the White House to help members of the Republican Party be better able to determine which one of their legislators is either being investigated, facing indictment or actually already indicted has proved to be a popular and exciting tool for potential donors, as no one wants to give their cash to someone who’s just going to use it for their legal defense fund. The second round of the Scorecard focuses not on standing politicians, but on the various background players and public front men of the Administration. Today, it’s the Public Face of Conservative and Religious Commentary :

William Bennett: The Chairman of the National Endowment for the Humanities and Secretary of Education under Ronald Reagan and Drug Czar under the first George Bush, as well as being an inveterate gambler who can easily drop a half million dollars in a night at various casinos around the country, Mr. Bennett has spent the last decade or so as a Conservative Radio Host who regularly comments on the moral failings of America; high stakes gambling is apparently not one of those failings, but Black babies are. Mr. Bennett has recently gained the love and affection of the nations minorities by postulating that if all Black fetuses were aborted, then the nations crime rate would drop. Mr. Bennett has defended his remarks, explaining that of course he doesn’t endorse abortion, he just wishes Black People were never born.

Rush Limbaugh: Under investigation for "Doctor Shopping" as a way to get the massive quantities of the painkiller oxy-contin he needed to feed his drug addiction, Mr. Limbaugh is one of the Administrations most effective defenders, no matter how high he is.


Islamo-Fascism? George W. Bush Tries Out New Five-Syllable Word for Terror
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

United States President George W. Bush, in an effort to breath new life into his policy of "Peace Through World Domination" has compared the fight against terrorism to the Cold War of the latter half of the twentieth century. Saying that Radical Extremists like the Osama bin Ladens’, Abu Musab Zarqawis’ and Nancy Pelosis’ of today are much like the Adolph Hitlers’ , Josef Stalins’ and Franklin Delano Roosevelts’ of yesterday, Mr. Bush has vowed to continue the struggle against the evildoers "for ever and ever and ever." The President, anxious to counter allegations that his sagging poll numbers have not caused him to lose control also demonstrated his ability to put his finger in mouth.

To prove his commitment to the struggle, Mr. Bush has spent the last several weeks learning the newly minted hyphenate "Islamo-Fascism" which Karl Rove taught him. At five syllables and twelve letters, the new description rolls trippingly off the tongue and seems guaranteed to revitalize the publics flagging support for the old War On Terror. White House advisors theorize that any description that’s difficult to pronounce or understand will only add to the confusion of Mr. Bush’s core base and thus increase their support, since now that they finally seem to know what he’s doing they’re none too pleased.

Mr. Bush also referred to the estimated 345,987,521 attempted Islamo attacks that his government has foiled in years following 9/11 ranging from a somewhat ambitious attempt to blow up the known universe to a plot to assassinate a small Pomeranian dog named Mr. Boodles and owned by the wife of Festus P. Hyman of Billings, Montana.

Senior law enforcement officials interviewed after the President’s remarks expressed confusion as to the actual number of foiled terrorist plots, saying their calculations put the number much lower; actually their estimate of foiled plots was zero. Mr. Boodles was unavailable for comment.

As if a long, protracted cold war style wasn’t ire enough, in a further and equally chilling prediction Mr. Bush warned that as long as he or people like him controlled the White House the killing would not only continue but escalate. "God spoke to me yet again," Mr. Bush said, "and told me that. So you can see, God is firmly in my camp. I am the Finger of God." God, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " Yeah, yeah, he’s my finger alright...I just never said which one."


George W. Bush’s Iraq: A Cleft Stick Of His Own Cutting
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

United States President George W. Bush is a man who can make things happen. In his rush to war with Saddam Hussein’s Iraq, Mr. Bush continually asserted to America and the world that the terrorist organization al Qaida had a strong ally in the Iraqi president and if left to their own devices the two would turn that country in to a terrorist haven more dangerous and deadly than the Taliban’s Afghanistan. When confronted with evidence to the contrary, Mr. Bush chose to believe his own advisors instead and continued in his headlong rush to war. Now, even though Mr. Bush’s administration have been forced to admit they were mistaken and very possibly knowingly deceptive about their pretexts for war, Mr. Bush’s predictions of a terrorist state are coming true.

A recently released letter from Osama bin Laden’s second in command, Ayman al Zawahiri to the al Qaida organization’s head of the Iraqi insurgency, Abu Musab al Zarqawi, discusses the very possibility that George Bush warned us about: that once the United States leaves Iraq that country will become the keystone state in a Middle Eastern Islamic empire. Mr. Bush, by his invasion, has fulfilled his own prophecy.

President Bush has repeatedly warned the United States that the War on Terror may last for decades and most recently, in the face of seriously dwindling support among his core base has been attempting to compare the fight against international terrorism to the nearly half century struggle against communism. But even the American president’s strongest supporters can no longer ignore the irony that it was the President himself who’s assertions and reactions to the attacks of 9/11 has elevated a group of rag-tag and loosely connected malcontents into legitimate world threat.

While none can dispute the contention Saddam Hussein was an evil dictator, it is equally indisputable that the Iraqi leader was an implacable enemy of Osama bin Laden and his al Qaida group and that there was clearly no room for them Hussein’s Iraq. Now, however, if the President bows to international and domestic pressure to abandon his misguided attempt at nation building by pulling American troops out of Iraq, his repeated assertions that Iraq will become a haven for terrorists will undoubtedly come true. If by some miracle that doesn’t happen, the best-case scenario seems to be civil war among the Kurds, Shiites and Sunni’s and a three-way partition of the country. While no one wants more violent conflict, the partition of the unnaturally formed country may be the best solution.

So George W. Bush must now face the consequences of his own actions. He’s created an enemy that threatens to completely overwhelm all his other agendas, namely the Conservative/ Evangelical goals of de-constructing Social Security, over-turning Roe v. Wade and quite frankly turning the United States into a Christian Fundamentalist nation.

Still, all things being equal, he might have been able to pull it off, but with his top policy advisors Karl Rove and Scooter Libby under investigation for treason and his top Congressional lieutenants Tom Delay and Bill Frist either already indicted or about to be, Mr. Bush finds himself fighting an unexpected battle... the one for political survival.


The Scorecard #3
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Officials in the George W. Bush White House have issued Page Three of the Scorecard, a somewhat comprehensive and possibly accurate overview of the players in the ongoing crimes, treasons and political machinations that make up the wacky and wonderful world that is American Politics in the first decade of the twenty-first century. Unless something completely unexpected happens, this will be the last Scorecard Page for a while, mostly as this reporter is getting a little bored with it (well, maybe one more...there’s just so many people in this):

Armstrong Williams: A paid apologist and promoter of the White House’s "No Child Left Behind" initiative. The Government Accounting Office has just released it’s findings into an investigation of Mr. William’s contract with the Department of Education, which netted him and his Graham Williams Group $186,000.00 to put out Dept. of Education propaganda disguised a real news stories. The GAO found Mr. William’s and the Department’s contract was illegal as it used taxpayer dollars to promote Mr. Bush’s Republican Party’s political agenda, which is a crime.

When confronted with the illegal act, Mr. Williams refused to give the money back, saying that instead he would give it to needy Blacks; in this case the needy Blacks were Mr. Williams himself, and probably his partner Steadman Graham who, strangely enough, is (or at least was at the time...I mean, who the hell actually keeps up with that stuff?) Oprah Winfrey’s boyfriend. I’m not saying that means anything. I’m just saying it’s...odd.

Judith Miller: No one can seem to figure out Ms. Millers motivations in spending eighty days in jail for refusing to name I. Lewis (Scooter) Libby as her source for information regarding Valerie Plame. After all, Mr. Libby’s office has said that he had given Ms. Miller a confidentiality waiver as early as a year ago to release her from her obligation to keep his name out of it. As it stands now, both Ms. Miller and Mr. Libby have put the whole thing off to one of those silly Washington DC miscommunications that sometimes end people up in the slammer for a month or two. By the way, one of Ms. Miller’s visitors during her stay in the pokey was John Bolton, the new Ambassador to the United Nations, who gained that post by a recess appointment after President Bush realized that even the Republican led House and Senate would have a hard time getting a complete lunatic approved for the post.

Some cynics have postulated that Ms. Miller was simply trying to re-build her reputation as a real reporter, which was in tatters after her series of New York Times articles that buttressed the Administration’s pre-war claims that Iraq had so many Weapons of Mass Destruction that you couldn’t walk down a Baghdad street without tripping over a nuke. The Times earlier had issued one of it’s infamous mea culpa’s regarding the fact that they had helped mislead the nation into war by supporting Administration claims regarding Saddam’s WMD quest, citing in particular six articles written by Ms. Miller as "more out there than a Jason Blair piece".

If and when this reporter (and I do use the term loosely) can rouse himself sufficiently to continue this Scorecard report, we will examine the roles of J. Paul Bremmer, who lost the peace in Iraq, Paul Wolfowitz, who’s Freedom Through War! policy got us there in the first place, Dick (dick) Cheney, who’s close ties to Halliburton saved the US big money on running the place and Roberto Gonzales who’s approval of torture as a tool for Freedom led to the rape of America’s civil liberties. Stay tuned.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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