September 2005 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 7 Issue 9
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 October 1st - 14th  September 15th - 30th  September 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Katrina Takes Bush by Surprise
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

After remaining nearly invisible to the people of the devastated Gulf Coast and the cities of Biloxi, and New Orleans for the five days after Hurricane Katrina pummeled that region except for a brief fly-over on the way home from vacation, United States President George W. Bush finally visited the area. Bringing with him National Guard troops and relief supplies that sadly proved to be too little, too late for the hundreds, perhaps thousands of those that survived the storm, only to die stranded in itís aftermath, Mr. Bush pledged to rebuild Mississippi Trent Lottís beachfront mansion, "bigger and better than before." Starving and homeless victims of Katrina breathed a sigh of relief that their beloved Senator Lott will have his well-deserved luxury getaway back.

Mr. Bush also pledged to kill any looters his troops find, whether they were looting to find potable water to drink or food to eat or even diapers for their babies, as looting for survival is to the American President just as evil as looting for profit. It is well known that Mr. Bush, always a Texas Lawman at heart, in spite of being a failed oilman and baseball team owner, will brook no lawlessness or criminal activity, unless of course it is perpetrated by his Administration and itís related corporate brothers-in-arms, such as Enron and Halliburton.

While the residents of the afflicted areas, including New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, at first criticized President Bushís lack of action during the first five days of the continuing disaster, it should be remembered that the late leader of the Soviet Union, Josef Stalin, at first was unavailable for nearly two weeks after Adolf Hitler attacked him during WWII and look at all he accomplished later. Some guys just need a few minutes to re-group, especially after a month long vacation filled with biking and fund-raising, after all.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Itís not George Bushís fault that nothing got done for nearly a week after Katrina...I mean, we in the White House were dealing with the after effects of Hurricane Cindy (Sheehan) and Katrina took us by surprise. Then, we had to figure out how to explain that a) after nearly four years of existence the Department of Homeland Security was completely unable to deal with a major disaster and b) that the reason the levees broke in the first place was that we had cut most of the funding earmarked for the Army Corps of Engineers to do that work and diverted the money to the War in Iraq. Of course, all the National Guard troops and equipment that were unavailable because they were in Iraq in the first place is another niggling problem that needs an excuse...uh, explanation."


Bug Leg Interferes With Magazine Production
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

It was a quiet night at the Plante household Thursday evening as cynical diners John and Mari Plante sat down to a quiet evening of Chinese Take-Out before going up to work on the FarceHaven Tribune.

"I was stoked--really looking forward to this," John Plante, staff writer told the magazine. "I grew up on similar food. We had egg rolls, chow mien, Mongolian beef, egg fried rice, and oh--there was the matter of the bug -- in the side of steam rice."

"Well, it wasn't much of a bug really;" Mari Plante, Submissions Editor told the magazine, "it was a piece of a bug -- er in the rice. Kind of made me wonder if it was rice I was looking at or if I was caught in some kind of sadistic Lost Boys maggot flashback."

"Well, I suppose it could have been a very miniature chicken wing," John Plante, staff writer added. "I looked at it for a second and then looked at the $35 dollars worth of uneaten Oriental cuisine and figured what the hell--the bug lent the food a kind of Far East authenticity and dug right in. Who knew potential cockroach leg could not only look but taste like chicken? Well, my wife put a stop to that in about two shakes of a roach tail and encouraged me to call for a refund."

"Sadly," John told us as he finished a mysterious spoonful of steamed white rice, "we never did recover the rest of our dear dead roach friend's body."


"I Married A Dope" Proclaims First Lady
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

First Lady Laura Bush, dispatched to hard hit southern states by the White House to assist with damage control in the wake of the Hurricane Katrina debacle has, instead of making things better for her husband, United States President George W. Bush, apparently made matters that much worse. The incident occurred while Mrs. Bush was giving a radio interview after visiting some of the areas hard hit by the Category Five storm.

Responding to a question posed by her radio host regarding rapper Kanye Westís accusation that her husband "doesnít care about Black people", Mrs. Bush said, " I think all those remarks are disgusting, to be perfectly frank, because of course President Bush cares about everyone in our country." Then, after an awkward moments silence, Mrs. Bush continued, her voice trembling with emotion, " Itís just...itís just that...oh God! Itís just that heís such a dope sometimes, I canít stand it. Heís so completely and utterly clueless...it just drives me up a wall. The whole family's the same way, I swear to Christ. You heard what that stupid bitch, my own fucking mother in law, said about the people in the Astrodome wanting to stay in Texas. You tell me, go ahead...tell me, what African American in his right mind would actually want to stay in Texas? What the hell does she think; Blacks regard Texas as a shining beacon of racial fucking equality or something? Christ on a crutch, how idiotic is that?"

While the radio interviewer, torn between protecting a woman who was obviously facing the sordid truth about her life or getting on tape the biggest interview of his or anyone elseís career, fumbled between the mute and volume controls, Laura Bush gathered steam and continued her diatribe.

"I canít believe what Iíve done with my life. Donít get me wrong, I love the girls (her daughters Jenna and whatever the other ones name is Bush) and I wouldnít have had that without George, and yes, because of that familyís money I didnít have to spend the rest of my life pushing dime bags like back in college, I admit that. Whatís more, before George had his fucking Born Again epiphany shit we had a real good time, drinking and partying and such, but man, since then life just sucks, especially since 9/11 when George decided that it was God, not Karl Rove who stole the election for him just so that he could go and Fight Evildoers. I mean think about it...why would a just and loving God pick a drunken ex fighter pilot with the IQ of a Spaulding baseball who deserted from the Texas National Guard for fucks sake, then failed at pretty much everything he did except for getting Daddyís friends to bail him out, to save the Free fucking World? Iím sorry, but that would make God just as stupid as he (Mr. Bush) is. I swear, I just canít take it. I wish I still smoked pot."

Administration officials were quick to distance themselves from the First Ladyís unscripted remarks. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "We in the White House in no way agree that George W. Bush has the intelligence of a Spaulding baseball. After all, a Spaulding baseball is an inanimate object, filled with a rubbery substance and is incapable of putting two words together in a coherent sentence and... and... anyway, we support George W. Bush completely, that is until the American People finally wake up and indict the jack off for treason; then we cut him loose and I finally get a chance to make my play for Laura."


Bush Takes Blame for Mistake -- America Stunned
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

President Bush stunned the constituency of the United States of America and pretty much the rest of the world by telling the world he takes responsibility for the federal government's failures in response to the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina.

"It just wasn't like the man I know and love," Jed Cuffit, Texas Lawman told the magazine. "To actually step up to the plate and take the blame--there must be some kind of conspiracy going on here."

"Bush -- let's face it," Bubba T Nation FarceHaven political analyst told the FarceHaven, "The man just makes so many mistakes. First, there was this whole weapons of mass destruction thing, then there was the invasion of Iraq and then he went and lost Runaway Bride Jennifer Wilbanks -- the man has a crap record.

"Maybe it was a conspiracy to kill all the old people on the planet," Nation postulates. "Think about this. The man thinks old people are stinky -- doesn't like the smell of them. Then he comes out with this zinger and it's octogenarian heart attack city! If it weren't for my aunt Lulu and uncle Jebediah's overclocked pacemakers, they'd been done in for sure. And my dog, Reynold -- hell, my dog don't speak a lick of English but he understood right. He just sits around the house--in shock, like a half pitbull-chiauhu mix statue. We feed him intravenously on account he don't move his mouth anymore. Nothing's better than the Kibbles and Beer mixture we feed him, yesiree. Why there was this one time, me and the dog got whack stoned and went to the rodeo dressed like Martian ballerinas. He wore a pearl necklace and I wore a tiara. Even the clowns looked at us funny. Reminds of the time we was sniffing melted Legos--no, the red bricks of course. The ones with four bumps not six. Now what was I talking about . . . ?"

When reminded that we were discussing the President's claim of responsibility, Nation replied, "Oh yeah--that Bush is a crazy son of a bitch. There was the one time, me and him ganked Socks the cat--this was before Bush was President--and superglued the cat to his ass. Then he rode with the cat all around town doing a handstand on his six-foot unicycle. He had on pink socks. No, not the cat, the President. The cat was the one holding the umbrella and smoking marijuana. Don't ask me why a cat would want to get stoned--I think Socks was trying to forget the time me, Socks, the Pres and Reynold all got shit faced and slept with those strange hamsters--I'll never forget those hamsters, they had pretty eyes--looked good in drag too."

It was around this time, emergency personnel had responded to my numerous 911 calls and come to collect Mr. Nation. According to authorities, he is doing well after his lobotomy and is now under sedation.


Bush Declares War On Natureís Terrorism
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Unite States President George W. Bush, after touring the devastated Gulf Coast and glancing at the city of New Orleans has declared that, "This Terrorism by Mother Nature will not be allowed to go unpunished." Back in full sheriff mode after an August spent hiding on his Texas ranch from Cindy Sheehan, with only brief forayís off his spread to get some money from wealthy Republican donors, Mr. Bush has pledged to fight what he termed, "The ultimate Eco-Terrorism...Nature itself."

Mr. Bush declared, " We will fight Nature and all itís evils wherever we find it...in the Oceans, in the Wetlands, in the Forests and Mountains. Wherever there is a wave, anytime we see a cloud on the clear horizon, a flake of snow or a drop of rain, we will combat it with ever weapon in our arsenal: Chemicals, chainsaws, bulldozers and backhoes. Nature must understand that we Americans will not tolerate Natural Disasters, no sir, not while Iím President."

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " You know, Iíve just about had it. Iíve spent years with this bozo, figuring it was a good bet to stay with the Power, even if it was held by some of the most insane Evangelical Conservative fanatics imaginable. Sure, Iíve made a pile with my Defense Stocks and Oil Futures, but I gotta tell ya, looking at the stupidity of this guy in the face of an even worse disaster than 9/11 and Iraq, Iím just ready to puke."

When asked if this meant he would resign his post as Unnamed White House Source for the Bush Administration in protest, Waterhouse responded, "What are you, insane? Do you what would happen to me if I left the White House knowing what I know? Jesus, Iíd be safer in New Orleans."

On a brighter note, Mr. Bush did promise Senator Trent Lott that he would make sure that that Mr. Lottís beachfront home would be repaired and be bigger and better than ever before. Then the President also allowed that poor people might have a place to live one day as well.


Bush to New Orleans: Here I Come to Save the Day!
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

As if New Orleans hasnít suffered enough, President George W. Bush has announced that he is cutting a full two well earned days off his month long idyll in Crawford, Texas to return to Washington to personally supervise the rescue efforts. New Orleans officials have taken the announcement that the President is now in control of recovery efforts with palpable terror, asking what theyíve done that was so bad that they would deserve, on top of Mother Natures fury, George Bushís intervention.

Forgetting the fact that White House Officials have long insisted that Mr. Bush could just as efficiently screw things up from his Crawford ranch as he could in Washington, Bush nonetheless waved a cheery goodbye to Cindy Sheehan and ordered Air Force One to head due west at all possible speed to get to Washington DC so he could implement what is being called The Baghdad Plan for Reconstruction. Fortunately for the safety of the people of Los Angeles, the pilots were able to convince the President that Washington was actually east of Texas, so the plane turned around and headed for the Capitol.

Unnamed White House source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "No one, George Bush included, can look at the devastation along the Gulf Coast and not be moved to tears. All those damaged and destroyed Refineries and Oil Rigs...all those Pipelines. All those profits for his friends...Oh, God... I just canít go on..."

Going on, Waterhouse said, "Weíre sending the three National Guard Troops that arenít in Iraq to New Orleans immediately to restore order. I think we also have a plane left as well to send, but donít quote me on that. As an empty gesture of goodwill, weíll be releasing oil from the Strategic Oil Reserves free of charge to the refineries that wonít be able to process it into usable fuel as those refineries arenít working due to the hurricane. That one confuses even me, so donít ask about it."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
John Plante

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself