August 2005 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 7 Issue 8
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 September 1st - 14th  August 15th - 31st  August 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

US Creates New Nuclear Weapons Opt Out List
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

In an effort to curb an increasingly global perception that the United States is becoming an increasingly imperialistic and war mongering state, the US State Department in a joint effort with the Pentagon has announced a new opt out of nuclear annihilation opt out list. This list, a joint effort between Secretary Donald Rumsfield, Condeleeza Rice and President George Bush will, according to a White House press statement " move to correct the growing pessimism of the countries of this great world in such a way that they will no longer fear and mistrust the clearly defined and transparent motivations and sensibilities of the government herein in question."

According to the same White House spokesmen, "The usage of the website is quite simple. Countries not wishing to experience the gourmet delight of nuclear destruction have 48 hours to navigate to our website www.pleasedontnukeme.gov and fill out our easy to understand form. Users will be asked to create an account using their email address and by specifying a password. Once logged in, users can either choose to accept nuclear annihilation or not to. Users of course will have to specify a primary contact person and the country that does not wish to be nuked. We just don't want any one person to go willy nilly opting out or in to nuclear annihilation."

"Once in, and the user has applied, he or she can then read the opt-out agreement and choose 'I agree not to be nuked' or 'Give it your best shot you capitalist sons a bitches.'"

"Our standard agreement reads: By choosing 'I agree not to be nuked', I hereby sentence my country to the whims and wiles of the United States government and hereby renege on my responsibility to my people to provide them the safety of mutually assured destruction. I understand that by backing down, I am bending over and baring the collective asses of all my citizens and allowing the US to point a nuclear-bomb tipped enema their way. Furthermore, I understand that should the US consider using nuclear or other weapons of mass destruction on my sovereign state, I will not have anything in my conventional arsenal to give the US an opportunity to think twice about such a strike."

While opponents to this new opt out website have been very vocal, www.pleasedontnukeme.gov has recorded an earth shattering 56 trillion hits since going live August 12th, 2005.


The News in Briefs
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Sheís Dead, But Donít Worry, Itís Not That Cute Pregnant Chick:

A body a woman found in Philadelphia is not that of the missing pregnant woman, Latoyia Figueroa. Searchers breathed a sigh of relief at the news that the woman who has been missing for two weeks and has been the subject of candlelight vigils was not dead. The beautiful 24 year old has excited the imagination of the United States and has been the subject of reports by nearly every major print and television network. It is thought that the dead girl that was found is probably black or at least nowhere near as pretty as Ms. Figueroa or pregnant and therefore doesnít matter, at least not to White America.

I Was Sick For Awhile, But Iím Much Better Now:

Tennessee Senator and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, apparently remembering that he used to be a doctor and had taken an oath to Ďdo no harmí, has parted ways with United States President George W. Bush who made no such promise, on the issue of stem cell research. Mr. Frist, whoís careful scrutiny of a videotape resulted in the misdiagnoses earlier this year of that brain dead woman in Florida, whatís her name, has apparently been slowly regaining his sanity since that incident. Mr. Bush, incensed at Mr. Fristís defection has used his power to make recess appointments to make John Bolton United States Ambassador to the United Nations in retaliation.

George Bush- God Made All The Killing, Rape And Lying Possible:

George W. Bush has inserted himself into the evolution/ intelligent design debate, saying that the Christian based philosophy of Creationism by any other name would smell as sweet. Mr. Bush, the free worlds leading example of Chaos Theory, is a born again Evangelical Christian, which gives him Godís Blessing to attack and kill anyone he wants, anytime and on any pretext. Thatís some cool religion. Man.


The News in Boxers
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Gosh, I Didnít Mean To Offend Them Heathen Jewish Folks:

Radical Christian Conservative Imam, the Reverend Jerry Falwell, has back-peddled on a statement he made earlier that everyone in America, Jews, Muslims, Shintoists and worse, Democrats should "Vote Christian in 2008". Saying that he meant no harm (which proves that he has a finely honed sense of the absurd) Imam Falwell said, "What I was saying was for Conservative Christian voters to vote their values, which are Pro-Life and pro family. I had no intention of being anti beanie baby or mud people at all. Not that it matters; after the Rapture, all those Christ Killers are toast anyway."

Forget Gold Star Mothers, Iím The One Making History:

Kathleen Harris formally announced her Florida Senatorial Campaign modestly comparing herself to NASA shuttle pilot, saying, "It was a historic day (Tuesday, August 9th) because one woman launched a United States Senate campaign an another woman successfully piloted the shuttle launch back to Earth." Apparently, Ms. Harris has forgotten that Barbara Boxer, Lisa Murkowski, Blanche Lincoln, Dianne Feinstein, Hillary Clinton, Mary Landrieu, Olympia Snowe, Susan Collins, Barbara Mikulski, Deborah Stabenow, Kay Bailey Hutchinson, Elizabeth Dole and Maria Cantwell are all Senators, making the historic part a bit...less than. What is historic is that sheís the first female Senatorial Candidate that helped steal a Presidential election. Now, thatís a resumeí


Sheehan Can't Find Bush
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Crawford, Texas has refused to meet with mother of an Army Specialist slain in Sadr City, Iraq on April 4, 2004, or somewhere around three hundred thirty nine days after the Mission was Accomplished. Citing the fact that the President was taking some "me time" White House spokesman Trent Duffy said that it would be inappropriate for Cindy Sheehan, the mother of slain soldier Casey Sheehan, to bother Mr. Bush with any niggling little details such as her sons death in the War in Iraq.

White House Spokesman Trent Duffy said, "Many of the hundreds of families the President has met with know their loved one died for a Noble Cause and that the best way to honor their sacrifice is to complete the mission. If Mrs. Sheehan wants to know how the President feels about the loss of her son, she can Google up one of his previous speeches and cut and paste her sonís name in where appropriate."

When asked what exactly the Noble Cause was, Mr. Duffy assured the gathered listeners that he would get back to them on that one, citing the fact the Noble Cause has changed so many times in the last three or four years that it was difficult to keep track of.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "What you Liberal cow pies donít understand is that actually weíre doing the country a real favor by giving them a whole bunch of Noble Causes to choose from. If you like Weapons of Mass Destruction, take that one, although I gotta admit WMDís arenít as popular as they once were. Or you can pick the War on Terrorism, the Downfall of a Tyrant, bringing Democracy to the Middle East, Schools for Shiiteís, Kittens for Kurds, Supper for Sunniís, Makeoverís for Muslims, Safety for Saudiís, Help for Halliburton, Fajitaís for Fallujah, Balloons for Basra or any of the hundreds of Noble Causes weíve hit upon in the ever changing kaleidoscope that is the Administrations reason for whacking Iraq."

A group of fifty to one hundred supporters of Ms. Sheehan who planned on following her to the gates of the Crawford ranch were stopped after about a half mile, or still four to five miles away from their destination by McLeenan County Sheriffís Captain Kenneth Vanek who said that some marchers ignored his instruction to walk in the ditch alongside the road and actually had the gall to walk on the same pavement as loyal Republicans used when driving their pick up trucks and livestock trailers.


Supreme Court Nominee John Roberts Calls On George W. Bush To Fire Karl Rove and Scooter Libby.
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Just days after being nominated by President George Bush to replace retiring Justice Sandra Day OíConnor, DC Circuit Court Judge John Roberts has thrown the White House a curveball by saying two of the Administrations top strategists should resign or be fired. Speaking to reporters during a round of courtesy calls on members of the Senate in Washington DC, Judge Roberts opined that given the situation involving the leaking of Valerie Plameís name to the media, the two major suspects in the treasonous affair should resign; if not, Judge Roberts said, they should be dismissed.

As a stunned White House minder tried to separate Mr. Roberts from the gathered press corps, the DC Circuit Court Judge loudly proclaimed that all true Conservative Republicans should band together to demand that President George W. Bush adhere to the core values of the Party. Those values, according to Judge Roberts, were the pursuit of truth in government, a belief that while morality in government was essential, any one religious faith had no more standing than another and finally, large corporate donors were the lifeblood of the Party.

" I donít buy all this crap about God being the end all and be all of the Party. The GOP is much bigger than any one religion. Look at India, theyíre not a Christian country, but in the eyes of the Administration and the GOP in general all those Hindus and Muslims are the wave of the future. Why else would George Bush send all of Americaís high paying tech jobs there if it werenít true? And take the Chinese...theyíre certainly not a Christian nation but in the next fifty years theyíre poised to be the next great Superpower, especially after the current Administration bankrupts our own country. So therefore, in the whole scheme of global geo-politics, religion is completely unimportant."

Evangelical Groups expressed outrage at Justice Roberts comments. While admitting that theyíre certainly a whole lot of Hindus an Muslims in India, they did take issue with Mr. Roberts characterization of the GOP as being interested in truth in government. Outside the Capitol building, as his child shaded in a coloring book of aborted fetuses, one Evangelical Right To Life protester said, " Our ministries certainly do not want truth in government. I know it (honesty) sounds nice, but we have a secret agenda and in order to keep it secret we have to lie about it. Lying is our way of achieving the greater good, which is that itís okay to be dishonest in order to bring Godís Truth into the lives of every American, whether they want it or not."

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " You know, this is typical of the way things are going in the Administration these days...Rumsfeld says the war is going well, the Pentagon says everything sucks. Bush says the economy is getting better and the DOW drops a hundred and ten points in fifteen minutes. George Bush spends three months touting Social Security Reform and more people at the end hate it than at the beginning. Sometimes I wish I had voted for Kerry."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
John Plante

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The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
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