July 2005 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 7 Issue 7
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 August 1st - 14th  July 15th - 31st  July 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

News in Briefs
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Unconfirmed Sources Weakened Review: (With thanks to Charlie Van Horn)

George W. Bush To America: As Long As The Terrorists Are Bombing London, They Arenít Bombing Us Here:

President Bush expressed satisfaction at the G8 Summit in Scotland that the latest al Qaida attack has once again taken place on the soil of some dinky little foreign country and not the United States. As he has repeatedly stressed in the past, Mr. Bush told reporters once again that as long as the terrorists are bombing cities like London, Bali and Madrid and not New York or Washington DC, then the War on Terror is going well. Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney pointed out that the multiple Underground and bus bombings prove that the Al Qaida Insurgency is in itís last throes.

Itís Not What You Know, Itís Who You Know:

New York Times reporter Judith Miller reported to jail this week; she was sentenced to an indeterminate stay for refusing to name her source who broke the law and potentially put a CIA operatives life in danger by revealing to her information regarding a story that she did not report, in order to get revenge on former Ambassador Joseph Wilson for refusing to go along with the treasonous lies that George W. Bush used in his State of the Union Address to take America into itís first wildly successful Pre-Emptive War. On the other hand Conservative columnist Robert Novak, who did break the law by reporting Mr. Wilsonís wifeís Valerie Plameís name had a lovely weekend, shopping, playing golf with fellow Republicans and going out to dinner, proving it pays to have a friend in the White House.

Another 5,000 Square Feet Towards Freedom:

Hurricane Dennis tore through Cuba and Haiti on itís way up the Gulf Coast, killing at least ten in the former country and scores in the latter. Wealthy Americans along Floridaís Alabamaís coasts vowed, with government support of course, to rebuild their mansions and luxury hotels, saying that if they didnít have the right to stupidly continue to live in luxury on the beach with taxpayer funded reconstruction money, then the terrorists will have won. One Alabama woman refused to leave her home saying that God would protect her. God, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "That whacko is the first on my list."


Study About Study on Studies Needs More Study Concludes Study
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

A recent study by the National Institute of People With Nothing Better To Do Than Do Studies revealed that a recent study about a study on study needs more study. This study took 18 years to perform and consumed 2.8 Trillion dollars in government grants and private funding.

"When we first reviewed the study about the study on studies," Doc Damien Dinkledabber told the FarceHaven, "it became quickly apparent that that well over 90% of studies about studies are pure 100% adulterated bullshit. I mean--after all, the result of a study either applies to you or it doesn't. That's a fifty-fifty distribution in my book if you ask me. Non of this 30% of Americans are this or 48% Americans are that while the remaining 22% are narcoleptic at our institute believe you me. You either are or you aren't. What's so hard to grasp about that?"

"I disagree," study co-author Cot Indacold told the FarceHaven. "Take an individual of a species like the Chinese Giant Ground Sloth. Using Dinkledabber's logic, there's a fifty percent chance for each Chinese Giant Ground being extinct, which is pure existential nonsense since there are no Chinese Giant Ground Sloths alive today. They are certainly 100% extinct."

"Aha!" Dinkledabber spat back. "They are either extinct or they aren't, so in actuality, your 100% probability is really a fifty percent probability. Eat that Indacold!"

"What the hell are you talking about Dinkledabber?" Indacold spat in return. "So in your world there is a 50% chance I'm doing yo mamma?"

"It is or it ain't right?" Dinkledabber replied. "In your world, there's a hundred percent chance, I'm doing yours."

As I sat and watched the situation between the two lab-coat, taped up glasses clad scientists degenerate into fisticuffs, this reporter knew one thing for certain. There's a 100% chance I'm drinking tonight after putting up with this shit.


Rise in Low Tech Terror. Dept of Homeland Security Concerned
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

As finances for terrorism grows increasingly short due to seizure efforts of law enforcement officials world-wide, terrorists have been resorting to increasingly economic means of spreading social discord. Terrorist groups and cells have into operational overdrive as once mighty cells and groups have become nuisances.

"It was the strangest thing I saw," Police Lieutenant Jed Cuffit told the FarceHaven. "We arrive at the scene of a recent terrorist attack and everything is in disarray. The attack took place in a parking garage and luckily there was security footage.

"The attack happened about 3 in the morning -- Wednesday, on a school night no less," Cuffit recounts. "On the tape you can see a man in a trench coat creep into view on the screen and kind of look this way and that. There are cars all around him. He takes a careful look around the attack scene and sheds his trench coat and lo and behold strapped to his body is about 18 rolls of generic brand toilet paper!

"You can see, here, our perp," Cuffit explains, indicating a screen "running over to that Mercedes and lobbing a roll over. Then he rolls another car and another car. He manages to roll about 15 sedans in less than twenty minutes. On the windshield of one he writes 'Take that you American pigs.'

"Now here's the best part," Cuffit shares with glee.

This reporter must admit his fascination as the perpetrator reached into his shirt and pulled out an egg-shaped object. He then bit the top of it, yanked it away from his mouth and tossed it at another car like a grenade. Imagine our shock as it smashed against the windshield in a white and orange stain. The projectile WAS an egg!

Staff pseudo-psychologist Melissa T Heavybottom had this to say about the egg grenade.

"Morale must be at an all-time low for the terrorist. You can see from the video, the terrorist drawing satisfaction in pretending the egg was a real grenade. This pretension is perhaps a coping mechanism for the under-equipped fiend, who feels dickless and spineless like all terrorists do, so that he can really feel like he's having an effect on humanity. This may also explain a case in Germany where a terrorist died while trying to boil a hand grenade."

While the perpetrator still remains at large, R-Cell, the Department of Homeland Security's Anti-Terrorist operations unit which prides itself on using terrorist tactics against terrorists claimed a major victory today, rolling the cave and suspected hideout of terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden with 52 cases of Charmin, 23 cartons of eggs and 13 sticks of dynamite.


Cats Now Come With Brains of Rats
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Geneticists from the University of West Niceville, Florida announced Thursday that they have successfully created a cat that has a brain composed entirely of the brain cells cloned from a rat.

"The idea came natural to us while we was smoking a joint," Scientist Billy Bob Jim Boe Trent told the FarceHaven. "You see, our lab had its fair share of animal infestation, rats mostly and no matter what we did, we couldn't find a way to deal with the pesky critters. Rat poison, traps, fly paper, hell even shotgun shells didn't do the trick. We tried one thing after another. It wasn't 'till we all lit up the joint that inspiration struck."

"You see--Billy Bob was reading on CNN the other day that scientists have been injecting human cells into the brains of rats and all," Sandra Harkin Melarkin told the magazine, "and then inspiration hit him like a bolt from the sky. Why not put the brain of a rat into a cat? It'd make them more efficient killers, 'cause they'll think like rats.

"So we pop the top off our cat Fluffy and dropped in about 10 ounces of rat brains we cloned in our refrigerator last Tuesday," she continued. "I mean--after all, they'd been sitting there about a week and Billy Bob and me weren't gonna eat them anymore -- you can't be too careful what with salmonella being such an issue these days. You have to use them fresh or they just won't add the right punch to your cooking.

"Well, at any rate, our little operation was a success," she finished. "The cat thought all the other rats were baby rats and ate its fill whenever it got the hankering. There were a few colorful moments when Fluffy's libido kicked into high gear--you ain't seen nothing until you've seen a 16 pound cat try to mount a 10 ounce rat."

When asked if the scientific couple had any other projects in the works," Billy Bob replied. "We're now in tests to see how a giraffe would behave if it had the brain of a lion. You should see the darned bow-legged thing pounce! Can you imagine?"


Vampire Hunter Talks to Children About Protection
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Vampire Hunter Ernest Van Helsing is usually your shy solitary type of guy. He tends to avoid the limelight in a thankless job that has the 58 year-old do-gooder traveling globally in an effort to stamp out a plague that threatens to bring mankind into a new dark age. But Ernest has decided that without education, action will do little good.

"The youth of this world are very ignorant of defense against this plague," Van Helsing told the FarceHaven. "They go out and leave themselves defenseless to danger. Most fail to wear protection. It's virtually an epidemic of epidemic proportions. This is why I now tour the world giving protection seminars, educating the world's youth."

In response to some of Van Helsing's assertions about the world's youth, the FarceHaven hit the streets and asked the world's disenfranchised youth if they knew how to use protection.

"Dude--like of course I use protection," surfer Jonathan T Waterbreather told the FarceHaven. "Like, I sprinkle it with a little bit of salt before I use it and then I roll it around in sugar. My girlfriend likes the taste."

When told that the tactic he espoused doesn't work, Jonathan replied, "Whatever dude."

Timmy T Yamyucker told the FarceHaven, "Protection? Of course I wear protection. I carry mace and I wear a bulletproof vest. Of course I get a lot of shit at school walking around in a bulletproof vest and all, but these days a third grader's gotta protect himself."

Van Helsing's tour is scheduled to run through October.


Rapper's Ghost Takes Up Residence At Old Folk's Home
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Australian gantsa rapper DDTMVC was once considered one of the minor pioneers of the rap music, hip-hop, blues riffed heavy metal and bubble gum pop fusion craze of 1975. With such blazing hits like "Here's a Slice of Karate in Your Eye," "Gumbo Loving Fiend," and "Ooops, Is This Your Soap?" slamming the charts, the sky seemed to be the limit for this North Carolinian rap guru. And then the sky came crashing down around him when on July 12, 1979, America's first non-classified space station SkyLab came slamming down into the living room of his West Coast Australian townhouse.

"It was the damnedest thing," former neighbor and "Gumbo Loving Fiend" inspiration Trent McJackalson told the FarceHaven. "There was MVC--that what we locals called him--sitting out by the pool where he had this 50 foot statue of Elvis sitting next to the water. Damn thing was made of solid concrete.

"At any rate, he's watching the statue and I'm watering my lawn. Then we hear a series of ear shattering kabooms and then this bright flash in the sky and there's this big flaming rock that suddenly slams into MVC's living room. And before MVC could say 'holy shit a big metal rock hit my house,' there's a blast indoors.

"Next thing I know a flaming television set goes flying out the window slamming the Elvis statue smack dab in the side of the head, knocking it clean from the concrete King of Rock's shoulders. It was a bit much watching it fall from the sky right on top of MVC."

But the saga of rap star DDTMVC is far from over. Residents of Louisville Kentucky's premier nursing home/retirement community Not Quite in the Ground Yet tell us the once mediocre gangsta rapper is making a comeback, every Saturday night during old folk's happy hour. Old folk's happy hour is the hour at the home where residents are allowed one cup of coffee before going to bed.

"The first time we saw the rapper," says home resident Allen T Knickerknacker, "was during Sadie Xavier Noodlemaker's weekly sťance. This one was back in the summer of '96.

"She's sitting there omming and omming and then in a puff of pixie green smoke, the rapper's there hovering over the table dressed in an Elvis costume singing one of the King's tunes. We didn't know what to think at the time, but now we consider the boy family."

"It's great," Sadie Xavier Noodlermaker added. "He does these little shows and rap, rap, raps his little heart out for us. He's got kind of a gothic feel, but I think it's understandable given his circumstances. Sometimes you will see him tap dancing on top of the home's Winnebago. Other times, he'll be running through the grounds in a tutu. And there was the streaking incident, but I don't mind."

Residents at the home seem to be in agreement that they do not know why the ghost of a former Australian gangsta rapper would choose their Louisville Kentucky rest home to make his final haunting place home, but they all agree their quality of life has improved all the more for it.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
John Plante

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You Know
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The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself