June 2005 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 7 Issue 6
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 July 1st - 14th  June 15th - 30th  June 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Jackson Innocence Like Fall of Berlin Wall, Birth of Martin Luther King Claims MJJSource.com
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Travelers to pop star Michael Jackson's website www.mjjsource.com the evening of June 20th, 2005 will have found an introductory movie entitled "Innocent." "Innocent" quickly enters into a montage, listing such important events in history such as the Fall of the Berlin Wall, the freeing of Nelson Mandela and the birth of Martin Luther King Junior along with the date of Jackson's acquittal 06/13/2005. The site quickly reveals that viewers should look at the date as a day to be remembered because it made history.

When asked about his thoughts on the site intro Michael Jackson fan, Samuel T Knickernacker practically glowed.

"The acquittal of Michael Jackson is a victory for the millions of oppressed multi-millionaire white-skinned black folk everywhere who have ever been accused by the "man" of giving alcohol to minors and accussed kidnappers and child molesters. It's so much like the dropping of the Berlin wall and the birth of Martin Luther King Jr, I can't help get the heebie jeebies thinking about it!"

When asked how the acquittal was worthy of a place in history as the destruction of the Berlin Wall, Knickernacker replied, "What's there to think about. The fall of the Wall brought together a divided Germany as did Jackson's acquittal."

When asked how the acquittal was at all related to the birth of Martin Luther King Jr, Knickernacker replied, "It's symbolic. Think of the doors of the courthouse as a vagina . . ."

Fortunately, FarceHaven interviewers were able to curtail Knickernacker's explanation with the offer of stale Twinkies and rotten beer.


The News In Briefs
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Show Me The Way To Go Home:

Pressure on the Bush Administration to set a timetable for the military to withdraw from Iraq is growing, with North Carolina Congressman Walter Jones adding his voice to the call for withdrawal. Jones, whose district includes the military base of Camp Lejune and who coined the dopey phrase "Freedom Fries," was a one time ardent supporter of beating the crap out of Iraq who has now proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that even obvious idiots are now having doubts about the war and itís aftermath. President Bush remains committed to the death and destruction however, proving that heís not an obvious idiot; what exactly he is remains a mystery. Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney responded to Mr. Jonesí comments by saying that Howard Dean is over the top.

At Least President Bush Knows What A Gulag Is Now:

Calls are also growing for the Bush Administration to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, which Amnesty International has compared to a Soviet Gulag. Former President Jimmy Carter is the latest and most influential voice in the demands to close the prison. Charges that guards have beaten and tortured prisoners, defaced Muslim Holy Books and made detainees wear womenís panties have abounded recently. Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney has responded to the request by saying that Howard Dean is over the top.


Feminist Group Develops Seminar to Further Female Independance
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Liz Biz, Los Angeles area feminist and all around busybody, announced her intentions Tuesday to release a series of seminars all aimed at reducing female dependence on men. Each seminar Liz claims is specifically designed to elimate a target dependence commonly found in women of all ages. While she's mum on the greater host of her upcoming work, Liz spoke freely of the first seminar, "Opening Jars for the Everyday Woman" to be released in December 2005.

When asked why she chose jar opening as a seminary topic, Biz replied, "Jar manufacturing plants are one of the last remaining refuges of male chauvenism on this planet. Jars exist solely as a mechanism of a dying societal system of checks designed to hold us women down. Why, might one ask, would food manufacturers put food in jars we women, the traditional family cooks, oftentimes need men to open! It's a sick cycle of dependence. We are supposed to cook well to be good women but need men to open jars, hence need men to cook and therefore need men to be good women! And the jar, that most heniously evil of vessels and containers, practically tells us women can't eat without men because if we don't have a man, we can't eat because we can't open our frickin jars!"

When asked what inspired her to create the jar opening seminar, Biz replied, "It was the invention of two wonderful pieces of modern technology, the step stool and the automatic door. With the automatic door, we no longer needed men to hold doors for us. with the stepstool we women no longer needed men to reach high places."

Her book, "Those Rotten Bastards Are Holding You Back," hits bookstores Tuesday.


The News in Boxers
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

What Do You Mean We Donít Know What We Is Doing?

The White House is taking exception a classified British report questioning the United States postwar planning in Iraq. Assuring the American people that the Administration had laid in a more than adequate supply of flowers to be thrown at the troops, red, white an blue bunting to hang around Baghdad and flight suits for President Bush to wear, White House officials have said they canít think of anything else they could have done to make the transition to democracy go any more smoothly. Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney has responded to the charges by saying that Howard Dean is over the top.

An Oily Fellow:

A Senior White House Aide who was on loan to the Administration from the Oil Industry has abruptly resigned to "spend more time with his family' after it was revealed that he edited a major report on the effects of global warming and greenhouse gasses. Instead of allowing the report, which blamed the rampant use of fossil fuels for the depletion of the atmospheric ozone layer and the rise of greenhouse gasses, to remain as is, Phillip Cooney instead altered the report to blame actual garden greenhouses around the country for the ruin of the environment, particularly blaming organic greenhouse growers. The revelation of the changes has caused another black eye for the Administration. Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney has responded to the resignation, saying that Howard Dean, while over the top, would have probably made a much better President than George W. Bush. Of course, Mr. Cheney also acknowledged, a small brown stain would have probably made a much better President than George W. Bush.


Screamconk Corporation Develops New Intellectual Property Protection Device
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Screamconk Corporation revealed Tuesdays its intention to begin manufacturing one of the world's first pieces of commercially available, industrial grade cybernetic implants, the "Forget-Me-Lot."

"The role of the Forget-Me-Lot," Screamconk Corporation President Jack Memomamo told the FarceHaven, "is to protect the intellectual property of American companies from in-house espionage by allowing corporations to leave the daily thoughts and memories of employees stored within the walls of the office. If you can't leave the office with information, you can't transmit it to others after all."

Memomamo explains, "The implant is really a two part device. The first part of the device is a cap of genetically cultured stem cells that is grafted underneath an employee's skull and contains a port of the second part of the device, a USB memory stick. The memory stick plugs ino the top of an employee's skull and is plugged in daily as employees come in to work. It is left behind when employees go home for the night.

"The cap or 'shrinking thinking cap' as we like to call it, has specially crafted cells grown from the stem cells of lab rats that, when the memory stick is inserted, intercepts the electrical impluses associated with short term memory and translates them into binary data that is stored on the memory stick. Since the short term memory is stored on the memory stick and not in the electrical pathways of the human mind, it can not be committed to the employee's long term memory. This means that when the employee leaves for the day, leaving the memory stick behind, the employee leaves the thoughts and memories of his or her workday behind. This has the advantages of allowing employees to leave thier stresses behind as well.

"There have been some unfortunate side effects, however."

When asked to explain, Memomano reveals, "Well, there is a blossoming couple in our accounting department -- a beautiful romance in the making. Problem is once they leave work, they don't remember flirting or asking each other out. one time one of my employees tells me 'Take this job an shove it!' It's kind of funny watching him come into work everyday, plug in the chip and remember he'd quit only the day before. On the brighter side, almost no one ever leaves the company. They don't remember why thier job sucks when they take out the implant and therefore never search for jobs when they leave the office."

Corporations around the globe have already begun vast incentive programs in order to get thier employees to take advantage of this new technology.


Chinaís Secret Textile Plot: Exposing the United States to Embarrassment.
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

The United States has uncovered a sinister plot by what one member of the Bush Administration termed "those perfidious running dog wannabes", in other words the Peoples Republic of China, to flood the US market with Chinese manufactured textiles and clothing at incredibly cheap prices with the aim of collapsing all American clothing manufacturing. Once this occurs, then Beijing will suddenly cut off all exports of clothing with the aim of leaving American clothing industry literally in tatters. Once Americans are naked the theory goes, then President George W. Bushís plans for peaceful world domination...uh, democratization, will suffer a serious setback.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "This is the reason why we wonít negotiate with Kim Jong Il; you just canít trust those people. Thatís what we in the White House and George Bush believe, at least thatís what we think he believes. Every time we try to bring it up he starts going on about how the laundryís always shrinking his shirts and that you canít trust anyone who eats raw fish and likes it."

When informed that laundries are a stereotypically traditionally Chinese industry and that itís Japanese that eat sushi, not Koreans, Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of even more anonymity said, "Why the hell do you always have to point that stuff out? Do you actually think that anybody cares about your politically correct crap? Chinese, Japanese, Koreans, do you think that George Bush lets a guys nationality get in the way of a good Liberation? That would be racist. Anyway, weíre talking about textiles, not raw fish. Are you gonna tell me you want George Bush to ignore a bunch of naked Americans? I know freedoms just another word for nothing left to lose, but given Americaís obesity problem I think youíll agree thatís a little too much freedom."

When asked as an aside if George Bush was upset about the fact that tens of thousands of textile workers were going to lose their jobs as a result of this latest advancement in the global economy Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that heís the most anonymous person in the world replied, "Stay on point, would you? George Bush hasnít cost anyone their jobs...heís just re-arranged them. People are still out there making your stupid two dollar WalMart shirts, they just happened to be named Wong and Chou now, not Greenwood or Tyler. Tyler and Greenwood are now working good, honest jobs flipping burgers and washing cars. Sure they make twenty or thirty thousand dollars less a year, but their shirts only cost two dollars at WalMart as opposed to twenty dollars before, so it all works out in the end."

When pressed (get it? Pressed...I kill myself sometimes) as to how the Bush Administration plans to counteract the Chinese plot to dominate the two dollar shirt market Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that he was really getting tired of this article said, "Weíre going to slap a bunch of tariffs on two dollar Communist shirts until they cost twenty dollars, thereby leveling the playing field. Of course, by that time there wonít be any American textile industry to play on that field but thatís okay too. Weíll just buy our shirts from Mexico."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
John Plante

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself