May 2005 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 7 Issue 5
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 June 1st - 14th  May 15th - 31st  May 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Missing Georgia Woman Found; Still No Weapons of Mass Destruction
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Jennifer Wilbanks, a 32 year old bride to be who was reportedly distraught that President George W. Bush’s search for Weapons of Mass Destruction has been formally ended with no weapons found, apparently left her home in Duluth, Georgia to embark on a nationwide odyssey in the hopes of finding something that the president missed. Family members and residents of her fiancée’s hometown, sure that no one was still crazy enough to believe that Saddam Hussein ever was a threat to world peace, became convinced that the young woman was kidnapped and commenced what would become a national search. The young patriot has been found in New Mexico, on the day of her proposed wedding, and was forced to admit that everyone was indeed right about the WMD issue. Her fiancé however, has vowed to postpone the nuptials until Mr. Bush explains the flaws in his weapons claims.


Orlando Bloom In Typecasting Nightmare

Already cast as a blacksmith in Pirates of the Caribean and the more recent Kingdom of heaven, actor extraordinaire Orlando Bloom is having an increasingly hard time finding roles that do not revolve around smithing.

In his most current role, Bloom plays a New York City blacksmith recruited by the US Navy to infiltrate an FBI Unit suspected of poking holes in condoms slated for free distribution in New York City high schools in an effort to lower teen pregnancy. He is joined by Star Wars: The Phantom Menace veteran Liam Neesom, who plays Jack Stringlinger, a luthier down on his luck. In a horribly predictable plot, Neesom turns out to be a cross dressing beauty queen wanted in six states for the possession of illegal mouse furs and buffalo hides. The situation is further complicated when Bloom, in his role as Trent Jan Minormajor, accidentally purchases an illegal mouse fur from Neesom, accidentally killing Neesom's favorite French Poodle with an electric bulk garlic press during the transaction. Minormajor, played by Bloom, must convince Neesom's character Stringlinger to carry on in thier investigation in the midst of the poodle tragedy.

"Playing a cross dressing beauty queen wanted in six states for the possession of illegal mouse and bufallo furs," Bloom told the FarceHaven, "may sound like an easy role to most people, but it's nothing to brush aside. Liam spent many weeks working with mouse poachers and working at a buffalo hide factory to perfect the art of possessing illegal furs. He was wracked with guilt over the methods used to obtain the mouse pelts -- we used my blacksmith's hammer in the movies -- but being the world class actor and trooper he is, he pulled through."

Mackey Mouse who portrays one of the illegal mouse furs could not be reached for comment as his little bones were crushed filming one of the movie's climactic scenes. Bloom was quoted as saying the experience was "way cool."


Don’t Stand In The Way Of America:
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

A United States Military investigation has cleared soldiers manning a checkpoint in Iraq of any wrong doing in the friendly fire killing of an Italian agent Nicola Calipari and the wounding of journalist Giuliana Sgrena. The investigation concluded that the killing was the result of stupid Italians inadvertently getting in the way of American bullets by intentionally placing their car in the Americans line of fire. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Burlusconi has reportedly accepted the American report saying, "If Sgrena had ever written anything even vaguely complimentary to me I would have bitched more, but what the hell, the chick hates me so fuck her."


What If They Gave A War And We Couldn’t Come?
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Retiring Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Richard Meyers has admitted that the occupations of Iraq and Afghanistan has significantly reduced the capacity of the United States to fight and win any additional Preemptive Liberations George W. Bush may be contemplating. The admission comes as the news that that the Army and National Guard have both experienced a 45% and 37% shortfall in their April recruiting goals, respectively. The classified report was released to the Congress on Monday and Congress, mistakenly thinking that the word classified referred to newspaper advertising, released it to the general public fifteen minutes after that.


Man Refuses to Wear Lipstick at Nevada Casino. Casino Okay With It

Drake Mendleyapper, casino bartender for Slickwick Entertainment Group, has lived in fear of his job for the last 5 years, ever since Sandra Brightlady was dismissed from her work as a casino bartender for refusing to wear make-up on the job.

"I lived in perpetual anxiety," Drake told the FarceHaven. "I knew there was no way the casino was going to make me wear make-up on the job. I have my dignity after all. Asking a man to wear lipstick--maybe. Asking a man to wear blush--maybe. Asking a man to wear blush, lipstick and masquera in combination -- way, way, way over the line."

Other workers, have come forward as well in regards to the firing.

"It got pretty darn hairy at times," Michael Rosencheeks confided. "I remember ducking under the bar with the guys so our managers wouldn't see us without our make-up on. We'd huddle, we'd cry, we'd sing strange songs about penguins and formaldehyde. When times got hard, we'd all stick it out. It has been a real team forming situation."

Unfortunately, the saga of Drake, Michael and friends closes on a sad note. They had lived in fear for the past five years for no reason. Slickwick Entertainment spokesperson Bradley T Wankeryanker told the FarceHaven, "While it is perfectly acceptable for an organization to require women to wear make-up, we find it cruel and inhumane to request the same of our male employees as they were born with that masterful equalizer to beat all equalizers, the male penis."

When asked what the difference between a 'male penis' and 'female penis' was, Wankeryanker declined to comment.

Attorneys for Sandra Brightlady could not be reached as they are busily engaged in suing the pants off Slickwick Entertainment for all they're worth.


Student Turns School's Witness in Violation of No Hugging Statute

Community residents were up in arms Friday as the Juniper springs High School detention hearing for Jennifer Sweetdaughter, age 14, went underway. Sweetdaughter was brought up on charges Thursday when a Juniper springs English instructor noticed Sweetdaughter giving her boyfriend a hug between classes.

"We have a strict no mushy policy here at Juniper Springs," Tina Hazeltripe told the FarceHaven in an exclusive interview. "Students can't hold hands, hug, kiss, and have a voice in thier lives at Juniper Springs believe you me."

Sweetdaughter's defense team was dealt a sharp blow Friday morning as Sweetdaughter's boyfriend Steve Tiptin turned school's witness against the defense.

"She's a bad influence on me," Tiptin told prosecutors in a prepared statement. "She smiles at me and gives me hugs. At the rate we're going, she'd be knocked up with a tear in her eye and a bun in the oven by next Tuesday."

When asked if the school was overreacting in this situation, school principal Kyle Factfaker commented, "Look--we all know it is a law of science. Kids hugging only leads to one thing -- babies! Same sex, different sex, -- it don't matter how you mix it up, it's still scientifically proven: hugging equals babies. Procreation through osmosis Father O'Flannaburger used to tell us at the seminary. It's devious stuff. Did you know a male boy can impregnate a girl through the very simple act of just holding her hand? There is evidence that shows it can happen just by the boy looking at her! I think drastic measures need to be taken. Call out the National Guard!"

Heated debate has begun to stir in the community with many folks attempting to reinstitute the practice of branding huggers with a scarlet 'H' so that all who see the mark of the wench will know what sins perpetrators have commited once found guilty. Luckily the subject of a public flogging has not come up until this article though now that we've mentioned it, we'd like to apologize to Jennifer for adding yet another sadistic layer to an already sadistic situation.


Bush Administration Takes Credit For "Curbing" Gang Violence
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Major metropolitan and urban areas have been recording a consistent decline in gang activities during the last six months. At first considered to be an aberration, it has now been ascertained that the precipitous drop in gang related crime is a direct result of Bush Administration policies. Put simply, the gasoline needed to power "gangtsa’s" massive SUV’s has become simply too costly for the would be criminals to run them, thereby seriously curbing their illegal activities.

Even the enormous dollar figures that drug dealing, prostitution and contract killing bring in are not enough to cover the cost of cruising a Ford Exposition all night long. Some high level gangsters have taken to parking their Cadillac Escalades and Hummers and buying more fuel efficient if less intimidating vehicles like the British Mini and Toyota Prius.

One Los Angeles gang task force investigator jokingly commented that it’s almost painful to watch once intimidating thugs rolling up the street in a car that they could fit into the back of one of their SUV’s. "They look like a troop of circus clowns now, all crowded into one them little Mini’s. I gotta admit it’s also beginning to hurt my own self esteem. It’s less cool than it was fighting crime these days; half the time we’re surveilling (sic.) them cruising gas stations looking for the best price. They’re lucky if they can get one shooting in a night. Last week some bangers actually ran out of gas right in the middle of a drive by and had to try and shoot while pushing the getaway car down the street. Pitiful. On the upside, those freaking big wedge speakers they have don’t fit in the little cars so the streets are a lot quieter."

The Administration of George W. Bush has been quick to take credit for the drop in the crime rate. Unnamed White House source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "You always say that we don’t know what we’re doing and that we don’t have a plan. Well, this should show you just how on top of things we are. As a matter of fact we’re so on top of things that we’re over the top...of things, I mean. We’ve been planning this assault on crime as far back as 2001 when Dick Cheney formed his Criminal Energy Task Force. One of the tasks Enron and Halliburton decided to force on the American public was record high gas prices as a deterrent to gang crime. Sure, millions of law abiding low and middle class families are suffering as well as a few thousand crooks, but this is America and Americans will do anything to feel secure, including freezing to death or choosing filling up their tank over, say, eating. And just as Americans can feel secure that George W. Bush will rebuild Iraq no matter how many hundreds of billions of dollars it takes and will gut Social Security because we just can’t afford it anymore, they can also be equally secure in the knowledge that they’ll be safe from crime, mostly because by the time George W. Bush leaves office they’ll have nothing left to steal."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
John Plante

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself