March 2005 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 7 Issue 3
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 April 1st - 14th  March 15th - 31st  March 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Escape From Alcatraz
By
Mari Plante -- Staff Writer

Yesterday morning around 6am inmate Darrel "Chunk" Chunderson escaped from prison. After flashing a group of sextaganarian women visiting the prison on a Botanical Society field trip, Chunk stole the Botanical Society boat and sped off into the sunrise. A group of confused gaurds had to be pulled away from their beach volleyball tournament to chase after the wanted fugitive. Chunk, having a head start was able to reach the mainland and escape into the crowds at Fisherman's Wharf. A 3 day manhunt ensued in which Chunk maimed 62 IRS officials, 24 HMO providers and 5 tobacco industry lawyers. When the police finally caught up to Chunk he was found sitting in his mom's house watching Jerry Springer reruns, which he told police he had been doing in between the maimings ever since he escaped.

When asked about the eventual capture of the suspect Police chief Dom Ahsse was quoted as saying:

"It never occured to us to check his mama's house. I mean we called her and she told us she hadn't seen her precious son in months. Then she told us not to come to her house because it was being tented for fumigation. I can't believe she lied to us! You won't believe the surprise we had when we drove by her house on the way to Starbucks and saw that it wasn't tented. It was only by sheer luck that Chunk happened to answer the door when we stopped in to ask Mrs. Chunderson if she wanted a caramel machiatto. I guess it's a good think we caught up to Chunk when we did. Can you imagine what could have happened had he been out on the streets longer? I'm just glad we were able to get to Chunk before he could do any real damage. It's nice being able to capture a convicted escape felon without incident for once."

When asked by this puzzled reporter how the maiming of 91 various IRS officials, HMO providers and tobacco lawyers could be called "without incident" the Chief had this to say:

"c'mon now, who did Chunk really hurt by maiming those people? It's not like he hurt the Pope or Britney Spears for crying out loud!"


CSI Popularity Aides in Clearing Forensic Backlog
By
Ivan Avetissian -- Staff Writer

CAIRO, Egypt (Random News Wire) -- The results of a CT scan done on King Tut's mummy indicate the boy king wasnot murdered, but may have suffered a badly broken leg shortly before his death at age 19 -- a wound that could have become infected,

CBS’s runaway smash hit "CSI" has brought much needed popularity and recruiting potential for forensic labs in the US and throughout the rest of the world.

"We haven’t gotten this much press since Quincy," said Ali bin Qhutem-Up, President of the Middle Eastern Forensic Scientists Association. "With so much new talent coming in, we are able to clear up a lot of old cases."

There is no doubt that the successful franchise (CSI, CSI: New York and CSI: Miami) has brought a sexiness and vibrancy to what was once considered a "dead" profession. Young medical and criminology students, bored with traditional pursuits and the fading appeal of more conventional crime and hospital dramas, are flocking to this field in the hopes of scoring a sexy colleague such as CSI's Sara Sidle, played by Jorja Fox.

"No doubt dude!" said Milton Diomosthenes, a second year student at the prestigious Scranton Institute of TV Criminology and Medicine. "Why would I go into regular police work and end up with Andy Sipowicz as a partner? That dude is archaic."

A veritable army of new recruits has allowed some of the oldest labs in the world, especially those in countries with long histories of violent death, to close out lingering cases and move on to more recent deaths.

"We are looking forward to closing out a lot of open files." Qhutem-Up stated in a recent interview. "We have only a few remaining cases from the 4th century BC and hope to soon begin working files starting around the 1st century AD. We would especially like to rule out suicide in the death of Jesus Christ so that outstanding insurance claims may be settled."


Easter Bunny Starts Brawl in Irish Pub
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Easter Bunnies from EB Local Union 486 were arrested last Tuesday when Union president Coney Baloney faced off against St Patrick's Day Leprachan Shamus Grady O'Patrick. Baloney reportedly first threw O'Patrick over the bar and then proceeded to kick the Leprechan in his Lucky Charms. Other members of the infamous Easter Bunny's Union soon joined in the mayhem.

Police report that O'Patrick was the one who provoked the argumement.

"The bartender tells me the Leprachan walks up to our primary perp and asks him why the bunnies are encrouching on his March holiday, after all, the bunnies have always had April. 'Easter's the rabbit's time,' the little guy told him, 'March has always been the land o' the little people.'

Six other Leprechans were injured during the brawl.

The FarceHaven was granted a interview with Leprechan O'Patrick later that afternoon and O'Patrick told the FarceHaven, "There was nothing me and me boys could have done in that situation. There were only six of us and we all know that Easter Bunnies multiply like rabbits. I'd a sworn one of them was just sitting there in the corner birthing new assailants even as I lay there getting kicked in me pot of gold."

The FarceHaven tried to contact a representative of the EB Local Union 486 but were denied an interview on the grounds that we're sympathetic to the plight of Leprechans.


"Purpose-Driven Life": Not the First Book to Play Role in Hostage Situations
By
Ivan Avetissian -- Staff Writer

The media is making much of the fact that Ashley Smith, while being held hostage by Atlanta courtroom shooting suspect Brian Nichols, read to him from the best-selling inspirational book "The Purpose-Driven Life" and that reading may have played a pivotal role in her release.

But this is not the first time a book has influenced hostage situations.

In 1928 Mr. Claude Dinwitty of Sandusky OH stormed into the Monthly Literature Review and Tea Social of the Upper Sandusky Ladies Auxiliary. Armed with a shotgun and despondent over his failed phrenology business, Mr. Dinwitty took the 12 attendees hostage and so began an awkward armed 36 hour standoff with the Sandusky Sheriffs Department. Fortunately for all involved the Auxiliary was discussing F Scott Fitzgerald’s most recent novel of the time "The Great Gatsby". To pass the time Auxiliary President Mrs. Gwendolyn Pennypecker read aloud from the novel. Claude listened intently and, driven into an even greater depression by the hopeless ennui of Jay Gatsby and Fitgerald’s drug-induced fascination for intricate detail, took his own life in front of the horrified ladies.

In 1960 decorated Korean War Veteran Mr. Harley Entwhistle of Chandlersville, TN, sought revenge gainst Mr. Jerome "Jay" Birdie for wooing Miss Arletta Harkins away from him during a recent VFW dance by taking the attending members of the VFW hostage at their monthly Poker night. A 12-hour standoff with Sheriff Earle Hurely and the members of the Chandlersville Volunteer Fire Department (3 of which were themselves hostages) ensued. One hostage was 22 year old Myron Gold, nephew of local optometrist and VFW member Harvey Gold. Myron, a self-proclaimed member of the "beat" generation, read aloud from Alan Ginsberg’s "Howl" which annoyed Entwhistle and the other hostages to the point that they all turned on Myron, beat him severely and tossed him out of the club, at which point Entwhistle had sobered up and surrendered without a struggle.

And finally, in 2005 Ashley Smith and media representatives from CNN, Fox and all the major networks conspired to hold the entire US hostage by repeatedly showing a tearful Ms Smith read 4 lines of vacuous platitudes from yet another new-age, Christian, self-help, inspirational drivel filled book. Yes, it has sold a gazillion copies, but "Three’s Company" ran inexplicably for 172 episodes, so go figure.


Blonde Bombshell Finds the Force
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Jenna Velvessian was once your typical every ordinary big busted blonde bombshell. Captain of the cheerleading team, dater of all the hot guys and of course her local high school's fashion trendsetter.

Now she's started a new craze in her Beverly Hills neighborhood. She is now the first blonde bombshell ever on her block to found herself her very own Order of Jedi Knights.

"She's really good at that Jedi mind trick thing," her mother told the FarceHaven. "She can get boys to do whatever she wants."

"And all this time," her father adds, "I thought it was her big boobs. Tanya and I always thought she was special, but not in a Jedi Knight kind of way."

FarceHaven reporter Bob Chow later caught up with Beverly Hills' newest, youngest and only Jedi Master and was granted an audience.

Bob: "So--Jenna, when did you first feel the Force?"

Jenna [Laughs]: "Like--when did I first feel the Force? I don't know, that's like a religious question or some junk. I thought I almost felt it once in the back of Tommy Simposon's Toyota last Tuesday, but I think I feel it the most when I eating a triple scoop choclate fudge sundae with whipped cream, cherries and banana pieces."

Bob: "What's--your favorite lightsaber technique?"

Jenna: "I don't have a favorite technique per se, but I find the lightsaber's really good for barbeques and cook outs. Great for cuttin meat."

Bob: "Have you taken on an apprentice?"

Jenna: "No--I'm still waiting to meet him?"

Bob: "Meet him?"

Jenna [laughs]: "I saw his face in a vision while reading the latest Cosmo and sipping a strawberry mocha latte. He's totally dreamy."

Bob: "Any fear of turning to the dark side?"

Jenna: "Like no. Hello--My parents are like rich and stuff. I ain't worried about slumming it any time soon."

Bob: "Well, thank you for the interview Jenna. May the Force Be With You."

Jenna: "Like totally--"


Today's Hollowscope
By
John & Mari Plante -- Staff Writer

Aries: That piece of flesh you've been staring at from across the way . . . go ahead and take a nibble but don't be surprised when you receive that injunction you always knew you'd get.

Taurus: A trip to the doctor this month will reveal something disturbing about your health. Consider putting off this visit until after it is too late.

Gemini: That stranger you slept with is considering a trip to the doctor's office. Make sure your stranger doesn't find out about the lumps.

Cancer: Remember eating that burger last week and thinking it tasted like the chef spit on it? Well, you were partly right. Not only did he spit on it, he sneezed in it too.

Leo: That person whose burger you spit in may be paying you a visit this week courtesy of the Hollowscope. We'll tell all the Virgos about the pus in the mayo if you don't send $300 our way by next November.

Virgo: Beware the stars forsee an impromtu rectal exam in your future. Cover your ass and drive the speed limit.

Libra: An enema may be the way to beat that summer funk you've been in since you've lost touch with the magic of using toilet paper. Please make a selection between coffee, tea and the FarceHaven's favorite--vanilla milkshake.

Scorpio: Remember that old boss that you absolutely hated? Well, as luck would have it he should be coming into your clinic for a vanilla milkshake enema sometime next week. Don't say we never gave you anything.

Sagittarius: Worrying if you are going to get that promotion you asked for last month? To give your self the edge on your competition be sure to let your boss know that you know about his afternoon trips to Bibi's House of Lovin' and Biscuits.

Capricorn: It's in your best interest to give your least favorite employee that promotion you don't want to give him. He found out about your $450 dollar lunches at Bibi's and he knows you weren't there for the biscuits.

Aquarius: Now is your chance to get out of that marriage without having to worry about that pesky prenup. Turns out your lousy husband has been having a little afternoon delight of his own. Just be sure that your afternoon delight represents you in court so that they can't call him to the stand and cha-ching! It will be raining money!

Pisces: Rethink eating at that beach trip next week. After all, he who brings take-out to beach gets shit on by seagull.


Mrs. Santa Claus to Unveil New Holiday Denture Line
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Mrs. Santa Claus announced Tuesday that she and several elven cohorts have conspired to create a new line of holiday dentures, coincidentally released just in time for Christmas. The denture line sports dentures with teeth depicting candy canes snowmen, Christmas trees, elves and a certain jolly old Elf.

"We are catering to the needs of older people," Mrs. Claus was reported as saying. "If your teeny bopper bo hooer can have jeweled studded braces, why not a candy cane on dentures for us more older, congenial folk."

When asked what he thought about the situation, husband Santa Claus had this to say:

"I hate it. We've pretty much had to shut down operations at the North Pole. Turns out the Mrs and those rascally elves used equipment in my workshop to manufacture those damn dentures. I lost my tax exempt status. We can no longer afford to run operations and are force to shut down this holiday season. I've had to fire over 95% of my workforce. We can no longer be considered a non-profit organization."

When asked if she had any regrets about the shut down of Kris Kringle's holiday workshops, Mrs Claus repled, "Workshops? You mean sweatshops, right? He'd work those poor bastards 24/7 if he could get away with it! And you know how Santa really kept costs so damn low? Well, let's just say that Santa's North Pole Cottage is really located about 20 miles south of Beijing, China and the elves ain't the kind with pointy ears, just cute little slightly slanted eyes. Maybe if the elves had slightly lighter skin, the world would care, but nooooo! Look man, I am doing these kids a favor. Don't paint me out to be the bad guy here."

FBI Profiler Mu La Lin suggests, "I suspect Santa uses the misnomer 'elf' to hide his feelings of guilt about using Chinese children as a near slave labor source of labor. Elves aren't real; no one really believes in them. Thier fictionality makes it okay for Santa to misuse them so. Somewhere deep down, someone has scarred him. I think maybe he was adpoted by parents of another race and I'm thinking that maybe his adoptive parents used him as part of a family business, possibly to the point of abuse. The way he gets everyone to call him 'Father Christmas' suggests that he feels now that the role is reversed, that he is in control, he is the parent and now the oppressor. Sucks to be those elves.' 2 out of 5 elves who want to be dentists agree.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Ivan Avetissian
John & Mari Plante
John Plante
Mari Plante

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself