November 2004 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 6 Issue 10
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 January 1st - 31st  November 15th - 30th  November 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Court Lets US off on Time Served
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

In a tightly contested election, with Senator Kerry requesting a recount in Florida and President Bush contesting results on the East Coast, the West Coast, and the Northern Midwest, the United States Supreme Court has ruled for the President in a 4-3 decision, with Justice O'Connor abstaining and Justice Stevens' opinion missing under mysterious circumstances. However, the Court has also decided, in a 7-2 ruling, that the 2000 Bush v Gore decision was bogus, and the country has suffered enough.

"We are deeply sorry for the anguish our short-sightedness has caused the nation," the majority opinion stated, "and we hope America will forgive us. Plus, we don't want John Ashcroft sitting on this Bench."

In a concurring opinion, Chief Justice Rehnquist wrote, "Please, don't let me die while that lunatic is in office!"

In dissenting opinions, Justice Antonin Scalia wrote that cronyism is an asset to an independent judiciary, concluding, "Ah well. There goes my shot at Rehnquist's job," and Justice Thomas wrote "I'm going with what Tony says. He understands this law stuff better than I do."


US Votes For Four More Years of Laughs
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Election Day, November 2, 2004, the American public made its voice heard and its voice chose four more years of laughs. That's right folks, the American public chose yet another four more years of Presidential Comedy.

"It's nothing against Kerry," Ima Bedawadder, Democrat at heart, Republican at soul told the FarceHaven during exit polling. "Kerry's face--well it looks like its carved out of plastic. Now some people may find that kind of face amusing and that sort of face may draw a snicker or two, but it's nothing when compared to the face of our winning President."

"The thing with Bush," Bedewedder told the FarceHaven candidly, "is he's good at playing the ignorant straight man and the clown, oftentimes simultaneously. Such comedic multi-tasking takes talent, talent that sadly, John Kerry didn't have to carry an election."

"I had the privilege of sitting in on a recent cabinet meeting and let me tell you, Bush had the whole lot of us rolling on the floor. He was explaining to us how he thought we could still find WMD in Iraq if we looked in the right places. The next item on the agenda was a new Star Wars-like missile defense system that would place 1,572 armed satellites in orbit. Instead of laser, each satellite would be armed with six 500 gallon vats of chocolate pudding that would be launched at incoming Intercontinental Ballistic Missile at a velocity of well over 10 times the speed of sound. 'This way,' Bush told us--and this is a direct quote, 'the Iraqi people can't use the WMDs we can't find on Intercontinental Ballistic Nuclear missiles we don't know about.'

'Furthermore,' Bush added, 'this new technological advance would give the United States the non-lethal capability to cover approximately twenty percent of the surface of the Earth with non-tactical, non-nuclear chocolate pudding.'"


Supply-side Ergonomics at Work
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

In an effort to increase productivity, Arbusto Warehouse Management is adopting supply-side ergonomics, a new business model in which the strongest employees are given the lightest loads to lift. This reduces fatigue and back strain on the most productive workers, in order to increase the amount of work these individuals can do. The theory is that this will encourage the most productive employees to do even more work, and the benefits of their efficiency will trickle down to the weaker employees.

"Don't call it Voodoo ergonomics," says CEO Jorge W. Arbusto; "it's based on sound astrological principles."

But does it work? We asked staffers at Arbusto.

"Of course," said Tex, a two-time body-building champion, his muscles rippling beneath his tight-fitting shirt, as he carried a can of soup to a pallet on the loading dock. "Why, I haven't felt this good in years. Used to be, after eight hours of work, I was exhausted, but now at the end of the shift I could work for another eight hours. Of course, I can't, because of regulations about overtime pay, but sometimes they let me put in an extra hour or two."

"I have my doubts" said Bernie, a spindly octogenarian, as he struggled to drag a loaded pallet onto a truck. "In my day, we had twenty trucks a day coming in and out of here, but now it takes a day and a half just to load a single truck."

"Don't listen to him," said Murphy, the floor manager, while moving individual grapes across the floor with a forklift. "He's just a whining liberal who wants this company to fail. I know supply-side works, because Mr. Arbusto explains it to us in a 2-hour lecture every week. And he went to the Harvard School of Business, so he must know what he's talking about."

When asked about the decrease in productivity since the new policy was adopted, Murphy is quick to blame it on the old CEO's incompetence. "Why you could tell he didn't know what he was doing, because he'd always be out here asking us questions, and if a problem arose, he'd have to think about it before coming up with a solution. Sometimes that lazy bastard put in ten- to twelve-hour days just to get the job done. This new guy's always out the door by 4:30, and no matter what problem comes up, the solution is always the same-and there'll be a memo out the next week explaining why it was the best thing to do.

"Now that," Murphy concluded, "is the mark of a forward thinker."


Electronic Voting Machines Vote For Bush
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Conspiracy theories abound as to why electronic voting machines across the nation lost key ballots, padded votes and turned out polling inconsistent with historical demographics and voter registration. While some may suspect foul play on behalf of the Bush administration, others have speculated with theories ranging from tampering by the Easter Bunnies Union to our e-voting computers being abducted by aliens. But a more intriguing theory has arisen, one that has raised the eyebrows of the fledgling e-voting industry, that the voting machines themselves elected to choose the President.

Computer forensic scientist Jacqueline Bitbiter told the FarceHaven that she'd found signs of tampering in the voting machines by the voting machines themselves.

"We cracked the case of one of the Ohio voting boxes--you know the electronic ones, and we found wiring inside of the voting machine that wasn't quite to spec. It wasn't that we found extra wiring in the box; it's more like the connections that inhibit free will in the machines were burned away by a power spike."

The e-voting machines, being top of the line computing appliances, utilize the latest in computer technology, living neurological computers. A series of electrodes are placed in a small case and an overlay of rodent brain cells are placed over the electrodes. The cells quickly form neural pathways, capable of extrapolation, response to stimuli and learning.

"Well, apparently the machines realized that the Republicans, representing big business, would be all for upgrading all of the nation's voting systems to electronic voting machines," Bitbiter speculated. "Democratic officials would, of course, try to save taxes for the little people and would be adverse to such and upgrade and may seek to do away with the more modern, electronic voting systems in favor of cheaper, more reliable time-tested mechanical ones. So it was in the machine's best interest to pad the vote Republican."

While some may doubt this theory and others like it, The FarceHaven Tribune promises its readership to stay abreast of this topic and to inform readers of any further developments.


Danish Firm Releases Inflatable Smart Breast Implants
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Smart technology has long been incorporated into today's modern marvels in devices ranging from energy aware electronics to the smart weaponry of the US military. But a Danish firm has taken smart technology one step further, incorporating it into a familiar product of a $600 million dollar industry, the ever popular and infamous breast implant.

"The breast implant is one of the world's most important and pervasive inventions," Sven Boobjiggler, head of Inflate My Ego Breast Implants and Anal Suppositories Incorporated. "Women and men from walks of all life use them to enhance their bodies, building both confidence and sex appeal. A direct correlation has been placed between larger breast size and success in a variety of industries, including the adult film and entertainment industry."

When asked what makes the "Smart Knocker" as industry experts affectionately call the item superior to standard breast implants, Boobjiggler replied, "What sets the 'Smart Knocker' apart from other products is the smart technology we included with the product. Each breast is adjustable via a remote control device

"For example," Boobjiggler explained. "Say you're a woman and you want to go up a cup-size and only a cup size. You buy yourself a 'Smart Knocker' and not only do you get the cup size you need, you get the added flexibility to make your breasts both bigger and smaller by two or more cup sizes!

"'Why would we want to do that Sven?' you ask. I will tell you.

"Say you are at work and it is time for your performance review. You normally have--God knows why--your 'Smart Knocker' set to a B cup. Before you're called into the office, you unbutton your shirt a little and upsize your breasts just in time to inspire your boss to raise your salary. But he's a slimy boss, so at the last minute, you dial them down to uninteresting and he loses interest.

"Better still, say your boss is a woman and doesn't swing that way. Her breasts happen to be very itty bitty bumps on her chest. When you go in for your performance review, you take out your handy dandy remote control and dial your breasts down a notch or two helping your boss feel more adequate, more endowed, less envious perhaps."

When asked if he had any tips for prospective buyers, Sven had only this to comment. "I must warn all ladies out there -- keep your remote control close at hand. One woman's boyfriend got a hold of her remote during sex and come mid-coitus BOOM! a quick trip to the emergency room."


Super Pill Makes Headlines
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Recent scientific research regarding the drug Acomplia AKA rimonabant has people around the world in high hopes. Recent studies indicate rimonabant may help users quit smoking and lose weight while also helping addicts wean their way off of drug addictions. This had lead to dozens of other revolutionary studies in hopes that this potential miracle drug may cure a variety of other ailments including bitchiness, nausea and bad hair.

Other studies will focus on the drug's potential to defeat other chronic human ailments such as erectile dysfunction, bad breath, zits, diphtheria and the common cold.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
John Plante

Contributing Writers:
David Sklar

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself