October 2004 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 6 Issue 9
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 November 1st - 14th  October 15th - 31st  October 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

US Occupiers Resort to Diplomacy
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

As US forces negotiated with insurgents in Falujah and other cities, reporters asked President Bush whether these negotiations represented a shift in US foreign policy.

"We will negotiate with the enemy at a time and place of our choosing," said Bush. "When the Taliban asked to see evidence against Osama bin Laden, I said I wouldn't negotiate, and I didn't. When Saddam Hussein asked for time to prove he didn't have weapons of mass destruction, I said I wouldn't negotiate and I didn't. When France asked for time for the inspections to work, I said I would negotiate and I didn't. So I think I've made my point. Now that a band of armed thugs have taken some Iraqi cities, it's OK to negotiate with them, because they know I mean business."

Within the administration, this dramatic reversal has met with mixed reviews. "Diplomacy is not to be entered into lightly," said Secretary of State Colin Powell, "but when circumstances call for it we must do what needs to be done, without doubt or hesitation."

Powell makes no secret of his own belief in diplomacy as an acceptable extension of our military policy. Others in the administration rebuff this radical view.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld holds to the more traditional notion that diplomacy should be used only as a last resort. "We tried diplomacy before the Iraq war," said Rumsfeld, "and look where it got us. Thank goodness the President pulled the plug on that operation before the Iraqis could weasel out of it completely."

However, Rumsfeld remains confident that Bush is making the right move. "I know this President," Rumsfeld said, "and he would not be considering diplomacy unless he had first exhausted every possible military option."

Still others disapprove of the use of diplomacy can accept it for the sake of a timely transfer of power. "Who cares if we're leaving major cities in the hands of bandits?" says Florida Congresswoman Katherine Harris. "The important thing is a timely transfer of power. We all know that the only thing more important than the will of the people is meeting a deadline."

Because of the risk of fallout from this operation, the President plans to spend the immediate future in the underground bunker from which Vice President Dick Cheney has recently emerged, his beady eyes blinking in the unfamiliar sunlight.

The administration has also offered a bunker to Democratic challenger John Kerry, for use through early November. When Kerry declined, political commentator Bill O'Reilly characterized the refusal as "flip-flopping," and "likely to raise taxes."

Homeland Security Adviser Tom Ridge has released instructions for Americans to build their own diplomatic fallout shelters by setting their televisions to Fox News and securing the channel with duct tape.


Army of One Shot in Iraq. US Seeks New Army
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield announced in a press conference Thursday that the Army Of One was shot during a routine fuel supply mission outside Fallujah, Iraq. Secretary Rumsfield also announced at the same press conference that the Pentagon is now seeking a replacement Army of One.

"Some people have claimed we sent in too small a force into Iraq, but look who's got the last laugh now?" Rumsfield reportedly told reporters. "Our Army of One singlehandedly toppled an insidious regime."

Civilian Military Analyst Douglas V Boondogle offered the FarceHaven a different view of the situation.

"Sending in too small of a military force is part of what has caused this disaster in Iraq," Boondogle told the FarceHaven. "I suggested sending in an Army of Two or an Army of Three, but Rummy wouldn't hear of it. Budget constraints he told us. What bullshit."

The Bush administration has been sharply criticized in the past year for sending too small of a force; Jim Blarneystone, leader of the Democratic Outsider/Insiders 527 organization told the FarceHaven, "I told them and I told them not to send in our only Army of One, but the idiots wouldn't listen. Contrary to what the administration seem to believe, our people are irreplacable and precious commodities, especially in small numbers. Now we got all those poor reservists stuck there as well, many of whom got pulled from thier civilian jobs to do the exact same job at the same location for a tiny fraction of the pay they deserve. God bless the personnell of the United States Army, Air Force, Navy and Marine Corps. We love you all; we hope you all come home soon. We can't imagine the hardships all of you have suffered and can't image the road ahead for each and every one of you, but we will never stop wishing you all a safe journey home."


Cheney Withdraws, Endorses Kerry
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney has withdrawn as George W. Bushís running mate in the Presidential Race, citing the Presidentís and his differing views on Gay Marriage and the fact that Mr. Bush is "really quite the little weenie."

Mr. Cheney, made the announcement from his new

Greenwich Village loft apartment, flanked by Elton John, Ellen DeGeneres and Carson Kressley from ĎQueer Eye for the Straight Guyí. Sporting a button that said "My Baby is Gay and thatís OK", Mr. Cheney said, "Look, while the President and I agree on some things, our total love of Big Oil and the need to own Iraq to name just two, I cannot in good conscience support a candidate that would prohibit my daughter from marrying the woman she loves. I mean, why canít we all just live and let live? I know people think Iím an arrogant prick and I am, but that doesnít mean Iím not a Socially Liberal arrogant prick. That little wacko (President Bush) is just hanging around waiting for the Rapture. What a nut."

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity Said, "Iíve gotta be honest, we were a little shocked when Dick (Dick) Cheney withdrew from the race. After all, Dick (Dick) was really the heart of our Neo-Con Agenda. Iraq , Tax Cuts for the Rich, Missile Defense, rampant Destruction of the Environment...nearly everything that we hold dear, came from Dick (Dick) Cheney. I canít believe that the whole things gonna fall apart because the Vice President decided that he loves his muff diving daughter more than President Bush. Itís crazy."

President Bush, deprived of his brain by Mr. Cheneyís departure has been said to be seen wandering around the halls of the White House moaning, crying and shouting, "Dick, whereís the bathroom? Dick, Whereís The Bathroom?" While Administration Officials publicly express great hopes for the Presidentís new Halderol regimen, worries are that the loading dose wonít take effect before the next Presidential Debate.

As if Mr. Cheneyís departure were not enough of a blow to the Presidentís Re-Election Campaign, Mr. Cheney has now openly endorsed Senator John Kerry, citing as his reasons, "I saw the first Debate and I was so embarrassed that I was in any way connected with that pompous little jerk that I just had to back Anybody But Bush."


Eminem Unveils New Candy Line
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Whitebread shock rapper Eminem announces he will pursue the creation of a new line of candy that is diametrically aligned somehow to the rapper and his music.

'M' as some people have taken to call the rapper has told the FarceHaven that he is having a difficult time, however, in coming up with a name for his new line of candy.

"At first we thought we could cobrand the candy with George W," 'M' told the FarceHaven. "After all, M upside down is Dubya."

"But then we realized that if we was pressing for that sort of perpetration, Democrats might not buy my candy.

"There was one point," 'M' tells us, "that we considered naming the candy after me, but I thought--what the fuck--who'd buy a candy called Eminems? I sure as hell wouldn't."


Rumsfeld Unveils List of Approved Tortures
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, amid increasing calls for his resignation, continues to express outrage at the photographs and reports that have surfaced of US troops inflicting psychological torture on Iraqis in Abu-Ghraib prison but to defend the psychological torture inflicted elsewhere in Iraq and Afghanistan.

As Rumsfeld explained to reporters, "Our lawyers have told us that sleep deprivation, dietrary changes, and forced exercise regimens are acceptable under the Geneva Convention. And since we have veto power and we never signed the Stockholm Treaty, that means what we say is legal is all that really matters."

However, because the distinction is not clear to many Americans, an effort has been made to clarify the difference between legal and illegal forms of torture. To this end, Rumsfeld has released a list of acceptable and unacceptable forms of torture for use on political prisoners.

Highlights of the list include:

---Forcing a prisoner to do push-ups is acceptable. Forcing a prisoner to do push-ups in the nude is questionable. Forcing a prisoner to do push-ups in the nude on top of another nude prisoner is unacceptable.

---"Dietary changes" are acceptable, but under the new guidelines, soldiers cannot force-feed pork to prisoners. The list does not comment on the legality of telling them it's actually veal, or making them pick it out of a casserole if they don't want it.

---Making prisoners retrieve food from a toilet is now unacceptable unless it is on a tin plate, as described in the Geneva Convention.

---Forcing prisoners to watch propaganda videos is acceptable. Forcing prisoners to watch pornography is questionable. Forcing prisoners to watch Barney is cruel and unusual.

---Interrogating prisoners on television violates the Geneva Convention, as was pointed out when US soldiers were interviewed on Al-Jazeera. However, Rumsfeld has no problem with televising a prisoner's medical exam.

The list also stipulates that "No US soldier may force a prisoner to renounce a religion in which he or she believes, nor to swear fealty to a religion in which he or she does not believe." This statement was approved by three international lawyers before a copy editor pointed out that it does not specify whether "he or she" refers to the prisoner or the soldier. The proofreader has since been fired, and the lawyers have not been asked to re-evaluate.

To facilitate the acceptance of this new policy, President Bush has called for the demolition of Abu-Ghraib Prison, on the basis of a lesson he learned in college: that it is easier to learn from our mistakes after the physical evidence has been destroyed.


WMD Report-Bush Vindicated!
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

President George W. Bush has pointed to the report by weapons inspectors saying that Saddam Hussein had no Weapons of Mass Destruction as proof positive that Saddam Hussein had Weapons of Mass Destruction. Speaking on the campaign trail, Bush told a wildly cheering audience that, "The United Nations said there were no WMDís, Iraq told us they had no WMDís, our own weapons inspectors told us there were no WMDís and most incredibly, John Kerry told us that there were no WMDís. Well, we went in there and low and behold, what did we find? Thatís right! No WMDís! This proves that my Administration was absolutely correct in attacking Iraq, deposing Saddam Hussein and plunging his country into anarchy."

The Presidentís audience of highly paid Republican faithful were apparently cheering so loudly that they werenít actually listening to him as he continued, "This report proves conclusively that if Saddam Hussein had had WMDís he would have absolutely maybe possibly mightíve thought about using them, representing one the greatest threats to America since Cassius Clay changed his name to Mohamed Ali."

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Yeah, sure, on the surface it looks like we were completely wrong and ended up tearing Iraq apart, destroying Americaís credibility around the world and polarizing our own country, not to mention ignoring the very real threats from North Korea, Iran and Canada, but if you donít look too closely at the report youíll see that whatever weíve been telling you isnít completely false, just terribly misguided. George W. Bush has shown that his single mindedness in focusing on Iraq to the exclusion of all else has made the U.S. a somewhat safer, if more dangerous place and the American will thank him for it one day, if they donít put him in prison first."

Saddam Hussein, speaking on the condition that George W. Bush is even more misguided than he is said, "I thank Allah that George W. Bush occupied and deposed me. You must remember that I am an evil tyrant that needed to be stopped. I represented a gathering threat to world security and was indeed a card carrying member of the Axis of Evil. Hell, even I believed that I had Weapons of Mass Destruction. Now of course, I just write poetry and tend trees, but given the chance Iíd destroy the world."


Kerry Slam Dunks Bush On Weapons Ban During Third Debate
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

The Kerry campaign kicked the Bush campaign in the nuts Wednesday evening when CBS's Bob Schieffer asked Presumptive Canidate Kerry to rebut President Bush's comments as to why the President did not attempt to extend the Assault Weapons Ban. One reason Bush cited for his lack of pursual was deep Congressional opposition in both parties; he'd reasoned that a bid to extend the ban would fail. Bush could not be worse prepared for Kerry's response.

"I believe it was a failure of presidential leadership," Kerry argued, "not to reauthorize the assault weapons ban."

Later, Kerry told the American people in this argument, "If Tom DeLay or someone in the House said to me, 'Sorry, we don't have the votes,' I'd have said, 'Then we're going to have a fight.'

And I'd have taken it out to the country and I'd have had every law enforcement officer in the country visit those congressmen."

A spokesman for the Kerry campaign told reporters after the debate "Some have criticized the Senator asking why the Senator himself, a Senator who feels he is Presidential material, did not lead the assault to extend the weapons ban. Well, let me put the naysayers on notice. It is NOT the job of a Senator to push to get important legislation passed, respresent the best interests of the people and America's law enforcement. That is the job of Republican Presidents, not Democratic Senators who want to be President. It is the job of Senators to pander to 527s and polictical action committees. And pooh pooh the naysayers who said Kerry was out of touch with the other bipartisan members of Congress, not realizing that there was so much opposition to the Assault Weapons Ban. 'Only if only,' Kerry had told me, 'that damn Tom DeLay had come to me and said we didn't have enough votes, we could have started us up a posse of law enorcement and taken the fight to Congress. Of course, a possible side effect of this would be that crime would skyrocket since every law enforcement officer would be missing from his or her post, but that's the price to pay for the weapons ban.' So you can see, it's not Senator Kerry's fault the weapons ban didn't pass. After all, he was only a Senator at the time. Only a President can heal party differences."


Edwards/ Cheney Debate: Audience Awards Edwards 82.5 Million for Pain and Suffering
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Vice Presidential candidate Senator John Edwards met Republican Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney in the only Vice Presidential debate of this election cycle. After watching Senator Edwards being forced to listen to Dick (Dick) Cheney for ninety minutes, the audience deliberated for five minutes before awarding Senator Edwards $82.5 million dollars for pain and suffering.

The Republican National Committee has indicated that they are in no position to fund the settlement; Mr. Cheney may have to liquidate his Haliburton stock in order to avoid a Contempt of Debate charge. One audience member, when interviewed after the debate said, "Iím from Cleveland and Cleveland is in so much trouble that there was no way the Dick (Dick) Cheney was gonna convince me that he and Bush have made my life better. But what really got me was when Dick (Dick) Cheney tried to tell us that the charges against Haliburton were unfounded. What a load of guano."

Mr. Cheney did however actually show a spark of humanity when the discussion turned to the issue of Gay Marriage. As most Americans already are aware, Vice President Cheneyís own daughter is a Lesbian. Mr. Cheney has been at odds with his own Administration on this issue and Senator Edwards sympathy seemed to be sincerely appreciated by the Vice President. Of course, Neo-Cons and Religious Conservatives are furious with Mr. Cheney for loving and supporting his daughter.

Minutes later however, Mr. Cheney admitted that at the same time as he tried to convince listeners that the he and President were 'deeply concerned' about AIDS, he had no idea that it was an epidemic among young Black women in America Apparently Mr. Cheney thought that AIDS and Black women were only a problem in Africa.

Admittedly, Senator Edwards previous experience as a trial attorney was a great aid in helping the audience make their decision, that and the fact that at any given moment Mr. Cheney looks like a tired, snarling old curmudgeon while John Edwards radiated a handsome and boyish charm that signaled the new face in American politics.

It is important to note that this reporter has consistently tried to be dispassionate and objective in his reporting that George W. Bush and Dick (Dick) Cheney are sleazy, lying, Neo-Con criminals and that the entire planet would be better off if they were sent to prison for life.


Iraqi Deserters Strive to Emulate US President
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

With 20% to 25% of the Iraqi army abandoning their posts, a number of theories have arisen to explain this massive dereliction of duty, including cowardice, nonpayment of salaries, and a nationalistic refusal to fire on other Iraqis. Still others posit that desertion is simply a tradition in the Iraqi military, and the new recruits are learning from their predecessors. However, a new theory has been attracting the attention of news watchers.

"Stockholm syndrome," explains Dr. Sydney Crackpot of the Hearst Institute, "is a neurotic condition in which a hostage begins to identify with his captor. In this case, I believe that the stress of occupation has led to an epidemic of Stockholm syndrome, leading many Iraqis to imitate the leader of the occupying nation. So this pattern of dereliction results from Iraqis mimicking President Bush's own military service."

The current state of the Iraqi economy appears to bear this out, although this and other indicators, such as widespread corruption, a disastrous environmental record, and rigged elections, were all in place before the invasion, making it difficult to tell how much of the current situation is in fact due to Bush's influence. However, independent observers have witnessed Iraqis delegating authority, holding scripted press conferences, and "choking on a pretzel." Moreover, some Iraqi deserters have taken to producing pay stubs and medical records in an attempt to prove that they were in fact at their posts. Military aggression, a behavior not observed in Iraq since 1990, is on the rise again, suggesting that it isnít just deserters who imitate Bush.

"Of course, it isnít about George Bush in particular," explains Dr. Crackpot. "Any world leader who had invaded and occupied Iraq might well have inspired imitative behavior."

"Damn," replied deserter Aigon Awol, in a simulated Texas accent not unlike the Presidentís own simulated Texas accent. Awol then paused, as a smile that was simultaneously wistful and mischievous played across his face before he spoke again: "Too bad it wasnít Clinton."


Donald Rumsfeld Makes it Clear: It's Confusing
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, in an apparent effort to confuse America's enemies and allies abroad, not to mention Americans at home, has reversed himself yet again.

During the last two years Mr. Rumsfeld has sworn that

a) Iraq and Saddam Hussein absolutely did have so many weapons of mass

destruction that you couldn't walk down any Baghdad street without tripping

over one

b) Saddam had WMD's that he had cleverly hidden but would certainly be found

within days

c) he used to have them but shipped them all to Syria before the invasion

d) he had a really sharp steak knife that could leave a nasty scar

e) boy, Saddam really wished he could lay his hands on some decent cold

medication.

Citing faulty intelligence, Mr. Rumsfeld then said that he just couldn't for the life of him figure out why Saddam didn't have any WMD's when for years the U.S. happily supplied him with all the pre-cursers he wanted or needed.

Within hours however, Mr. Rumsfeld issued a statement saying he was misunderstood when he said that the Administrations intelligence was faulty. Speaking at a Press Conference on the Sci-Fi Channel Mr. Rumsfeld said, "When I said that our intelligence was faulty I didn't mean my personal intelligence was faulty, that would mean I'm stupid, but that our Nations intelligence was faulty, not of course meaning that Americans are stupid, which at least half of them are, but that the intelligence we received was faulty, not meaning of course that the reasons we went to war were faulty....wait...where was I?"

As assembled reporters were trying to figure out what the Secretary of Defense was saying, or not saying, Mr. Rumsfeld continued, " You have to understand, or it's not necessary for you to understand, quite frankly I'm not sure even I understand, that given the dynamics of the time, a sluggish economy, high unemployment, low Poll numbers for George Bush, the absolute need to further our Neo-Con Agenda and the fact that Osama bin Laden was making us look like idiots but evading capture that we had to do something that would make us look good. Pounding the crap out of an oil rich country run by a guy who tried to kill George Bush's daddy and taking it over seemed like the expedient thing to do. Of course it may cost us the election now, but it sure seemed like a good idea at the time."

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " We in the Administration always love hearing what Donny-boy has to say. Gee, he always sounds so smart and stuff, especially after watching Bush in a debate."


Hamster's Union Threatens Strike
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

The Hamster's Union threatened to walk off the job Thursday amidst accusations that the Bush Administration refused to meet with them Monday afternoon. The impending strike would leave millions of hamstered American homes hamsterless.

"You have to understand it's a dog-eat-dog world out there," said Hamlin Hamster, spokesrodent for the HU. "Sometimes its the dogs eating the dogs and othertimes it's the hamsters eating hamsters. And sometimes it's just plain messy. You'd think that in this day and age, we'd learn to use napkins and keep our elbows off the table."

A spokesman for the Bush Whitehouse told the FarceHaven "I would like to take this opportunity now to apologize to the Hamster's Union for this White House's oversight. In fact, we would like to make it up to the HU by having the complete membership of the HU over to the Whitehouse Friday evening for dinner. After all, Barney, the President's Scottish Terrier just loves dinning on--I mean with hamsters."


World Peace Declared--Bush Outraged
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

In a completely unexpected turn of events World Peace was declared this morning, signaling the end of all violence and murder planet wide. The announcement was made by Festus P. Hymen of Billings, Montana as he ate breakfast in the Duck Inn Cafe and Bait Shop. It may be remembered that Mr. Hymen was the original author of the World Peace Movement; six months ago, as he was he was reading the paper in Lu Luís Lox of Bagels, Mr. Hymen was heard to exclaim, "Jesus Christ on a Crutch, why can we all just learn to get along?"

It was one of those moments that change the course of history, but it began slowly at first. Mary Ellen Mountjoy, who was sitting near Mr. Hymen responded, "You know Festus, you got yourself a point there. Why are we all fighting everywhere? Itís just gotta stop." News of the exchange spread and one by one the residents of first Greater Metropolitan Billings, then all of Montana endorsed the movement. By the end of May all of the American Western States were on board and now it finally seems that everyone on the entire planet has signed on.

Well, almost everyone. President George W. Bush has expressed outrage and dismay that World Peace has been declared. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Man, when we first heard the news I thought that Bush would have a coronary. He started screaming at the TV ĎWhat the hell do they mean, Peace? No more wars, no more hatred? Thatís crazy! What am I gonna tell the American People? If they think theyíre all safe then they wonít need me to protect them! Iím screwed!í. I tried to tell him that he still could point to his accomplishments in the economy, education and the environment but he just started crying."

Speaking on the condition of even more anonymity Waterhouse continued, "I gotta admit, Iíve got mixed feelings about this World Peace thing. I mean sure, on the one hand it sounds great...no one gets bombed or shot or anything but think about it; this could ruin the entire fabric of our society. Since 1990 the United States has shipped more than $152 billion dollars in guns, planes, tanks and other weapons around the world. Do you know what kind of hit our economy would take if all that stopped? Thatís over $10 billion a year we lose in sales, mostly from companies we in the Administration own stock in. This is really gonna hurt our bottom line."


Scientist Discovers Space Alien in Modern Temple
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Scientist Johnathan B Vaterclausen was participating in morning prayer when he came to the startling conclusion that he had forgotten to wear his pants to temple. Worse, feeling a draft, he'd realized he'd also forgotten his underwear.

Deciding to play ignorant, Vaterclausen ignored the stares of fellow temple-goers, quickly realizing he was mistaken about his lack of clothing and that he was actually fully clothed. Disappointed, he arose to find himself face to face with space alien Harry Lankersham.

"At first, I thought it was strange that he had a name like Harry Lankersham, but it made sense to me that an alien adapting to a new culture would probably be assimilating into its host society. It was at this point, when he stuck his tongue in my ear, that I could feel his soul pass between bodies and into my brain where we waged a fierce battle over which channel my fingers would choose to click on using my television's remote control tonight when I got home. Apparently being a newly immigrated alien to the United States, Harry could not afford television or cable TV."

"I found it difficult living with an alien entity inside of my brain -- we always had to agree to do things together as a team. Finally, when our pay-per-view charges on our cable bill got too high, Harry and I decided to go with NetFlix and cancel our cable service altogether."

"My wife's had a hard time adjusting to Harry being in my brain, especially in bed" Vaterclausen confided. "Apparently the anatomy of women is different on Harry's homeworld and he'd perpetrated many an unpleasant thing when he'd take control of my body. Then there was the peanut butter and tofu fiasco between me, Harry and that poor meter maid. It don't think the three of us will ever live it down."

When asked why he hadn't approached more reputable news organizations with his story, Vaterclausen replied, "Well, there was that time Dan Rather approached us along with his Sixty Minutes crew, asking us if we knew anything about the wherabouts of President Bush during the year of 1973. Not only did did I give him the 411 on the Pres's 10-20, but I printed him out his very own set of National Guard documents. He asked me how I could vouch for the authenticity of the documents and I told him 'C'mon man, there's an alien soul in my head feeding me this stuff. What more proof do you need?'"


Tom DeLay Accused of Ethics Violations: What a Shock
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

Republican House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, rebuked by a House Ethics Committee at the end of September for pressuring a fellow member of the House of Representatives to switch his vote on a health care bill, may soon face more serious charges if the House decides to initiate a formal investigation.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Tommyís a good (ole) boy and we in the White House are quite frankly outraged that he may get indicted for something as trivial as breaking the law. I mean, think about it...weíre talking about Ethics in the House of Representatives; now, thereís an oxymoron if I ever heard one."

Mr. DeLay appeared unconcerned, intimating that the rebuke was nothing more than a Democratic ploy to reveal the truth about Texas Politics and have him thrown in jail. Three of Mr. DeLayís top aides have already been indicted in Texas for breaking laws regarding his fund raising activities. Mr. DeLay has also been accused of illegally soliciting campaign contributions, laundering campaign contributions to influence state legislative races and the improper use of his office to influence various federal agencies.

Mr. DeLay has denied all the allegations saying, "You Yankee queers donít understand Texas . What all Iíve done can in no way be considered illegal, unless of course a Democrat did it, then weíd tan his hide and nail it to the barn door. Iím telling you right now, that Iím gonna fight these charges with every tool I have at my disposal...intimidation, lying, suppression or falsifying of evidence and out and out physical violence. Texas Politics ainít pretty, son."

The Ethics Panel, which is composed of ten members, five from each party were apparently so worried about pissing Mr. DeLay off that they delivered the rebuke to the House of Representatives by throwing it on the House steps from a speeding car with the windows blacked out and license plates removed. The ten Committee members then entered the Federal Witness Protection Program to escape Mr. DeLayís wrath. Two are already reported as missing.

Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that Tom DeLay doesnít hurt his family continued, "We in the Administration count Mr. DeLay as one of our closest friends and allies, unless of course he gets thrown into jail in which case weíve never heard of the stupid son of a bitch. Thatís Texas Politics."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
John Plante

Contributing Writers:
David Sklar

Issues

2012
Jan 01 - 31
Jan 01 - 31

2011
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Jan 01 - 31

2010
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31
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2009
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
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Feb 01 - 28

2008
Nov 01 - 14
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2007
Nov 15 - 30
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
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2006
Sep 15 - 30
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
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2005
Nov 01 - 14
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2004
Nov 15 - 30
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 15 - 31
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 15 - 30
Jun 01 - 14
May 15 - 31
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Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
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Jan/Feb

2003
Dec 01 - 31
Nov 01 - 30
Oct 01 - 31
Sep 01 - 30
Aug 01 - 31


You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself