September 2004 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 6 Issue 8
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 October 1st - 14th  September 15th - 30th  September 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

NASA Unveils New Space Shuttle Launch Vehicle
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

NASA scientists unveiled designs for a new space shuttle launch delivery vehicle Friday amidst cheering from a throng of onlookers who were anxiously awaiting the return of the shuttle program.

"It's our most ambitious launch vehicle ever," said JT Hovercaber, project lead. "It's our feeling that we've made our previous designs far too sophisticated for our own good. With all those moving parts and variables in the mix, we've given the launch vehicle too many places where things can go wrong. Our new design only has four moving parts in actuality.

"Furthermore," adds Hovercaber, "our new prototype will use no liquid or solid fuels to launch the shuttle into orbit. This will make the new vehicle the most fuel efficient, environmentally friendly mechanism of its kind on the planet."

When asked how NASA thought it would be able to perpetrate a seemingly fuelless launch, Hovercaber declined to comment claiming the simplicity of the new launch delivery will actually injure a human being with an average intellect because the sheer genius of the new delivery system has the potential to burst blood vessels in the brain.

Luckily, the FarceHaven Tribune was able to obtain the following NASA schematic for the cost of a massage and three jelly donuts:




'Sprawl-Mart' To Build SuperCenter Attached to Mexican Pyramids
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Citizens of the Ancient Mexican city of Teotihuacan have been gathering in droves to protest blue store mega giant Sprawl-Mart's building of a new Sprawl-Mart Supercenter nearby one of Teotihuacan's most famous and ancient landmarks, The Pyramid of the Sun. Sprawl-Mart's founder Tam Sprawlton had this to say about the situation:

"I don't know what these Mexican folks are so gosh durn uptight about. We've bribed the proper Mexican officials, so of course, everything is above board. And it's not like the Pyramid of the Sun is anything to look at or nearly as chipper as the Egyptian Pyramids, so it's not like they're actually losing anything.

"And besides," he added, "in about a thousand years, you know it'll be a national monument, a true piece of Mexican history and an authentic addition to Mexico's culture."

When asked about assertions that the building of the Sprawl-Mart Superstore so close to a national treasure will impact the local economy, Sprawlton added, "Well, we'll have to run all the local competition out of business for starters -- we don't want any of the locals cutting in on our gig. If people ain't buying from us, they ain't buying anything. Besides, what kind of company would know what true Mexican culture is besides a good ol' American Southern company.

"In fact, we are now in negotiations with the Mexican government to allow us to build the Superstore right into the side of the Pyramid. We plan to rennovate the Pyramid itself -- it's getting kind of run down -- and use it as our garage. People will be able to get their oil changed inside a piece of Mexican history."

When asked about the controversial change to the corporate motto, Sprawlton responded, "We just didn't think 'Fuck the little guys and their community' appropriately expressed the Wal---I mean Sprawl-Mart mentality. So we expanded it. Our new motto is 'Screw the little guy, his community -- and screw women too.' It's not like women deserve a man's wages anyhow."

Caving in to growing "pressure" (also known as lawsuits) from outside influeces, Sprawl-Mart is now reevaluating the salary of a large percentage of its female workforce.




Gangsta Rappa for President
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Recently, President George Bush has been quoted as being 'pleased with the progress' in Iraq, fueling outtrage in the hearts of at least one American patriot.

"You know, I was watching TV for a minizzle," Gangsta Rappa Beyach My Beyach told the FarceHaven Wednesday afternoon, "and here this Texas homeboy is telling me he's pleased with the pro-gress he's made in Iraq. Who's he think he's fooling?

"Jessica Lynch may be one of the greatest stories outta the war, but I ain't fooled. It looks good for Bush right now, but that whole fiasco shouldn'ta happened in the first place. We've also got over a thousand dead soldiers, the CIA says there's gonna be civil war and the man's expecting more violence -- and he's pleased with progress there? What kind of crap's he talkin'?"

When asked about his platform, Beyach replied. "I stand on a platform of two hoes for every hoopty. I believe in the right of the little guy to become so freaking rich that the big guys just goyta say Damn Beyach!"

When asked what he thought about opposition candidate Ralph Nader, Beyach responded, "Ralph Nader? You mean Darth Vader. Who's going to vote for someone who's name sounds like that?"


Martha Stewart: "I'll Miss My Chickens"
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

In a heartfelt press conferece Thursday, Martha Stewert, America's Favorite Home and Housekeeping Maven, admitted that she will miss her chickens while she's serving time in prison. Asked about this impending absence in her life, Stewart replied, "Chickens make great pets. They can give a woman so much more in the way of warmth and companionship than your average male could."

Asked to elaborate, Stewart replied. "Let's just say when the relationship gets a little stale, you use a little oil with your chicken and then you'll really get things cooking again. Other useful accoutrements include celery, cucumbers -- large carrots can help too."

When asked if it is hard for a person to cook a pet, Stewart replied, "Dear God, what are you some kind of madman? I wasn't actually talking about cooking them!"


Studios Unveil New Fall Line Up
By
Mari Plante -- Staff Writer

-Hollywood, CA-

In a scheduled press conference today the big 3 studios unveiled the new shows that will be appearing in the fall line-up. Some of the front runners this season are:

Who Wants to Marry My Lesbian Grammy

This show is about a young man on a quest to find the perfect hottie for his 65 year old lesbian grandma. Included in the bunch looking for granny love are an ex-porn star looking for true love and an Amish gal in her mid-twenties who has just left her way of life and is looking for her very own suga mama. Watch out as these lovelies match wits and brawn in their quest for the love of a 65 year old grammy.

The Ugly Duckling

In this new reality based series cameras follow the lives of 8 beautiful models who have grown sick and tired of being loved for their looks and have decided that they no longer want to be beautiful. These models compete in a series of contests to decide who will win the chance to have millions of dollars in cosmetic surgery in order to become an ugly or average looking person. The competition includes such contests as folding a fitted sheet, washing a load of laundry and cooking a fine dinner of beanie weenies.

Who Wants to Win a Sex Change Operation?

This trendy and versatile new reality series follow the lives of Drew Tinkleberry, Samantha Nearschtick, and Paulo Illiambro who are all competing for the opportunity to go under the knife and recieve the coveted prize of a sex change. What's the twist? Instead of the operation, winners will actually recieve a full make over that will in effect enhance their masculinity or femininity. Basically, the people going in as males will become even more male, enjoying steroid treatments (passed off as estrogen treatment) and body sculpting regimens. Women in the competition will recieve a complete face life and breast and butt implants.

While most American TV goers are looking forward to this new lineup, only time will tell how many actually toss their televisions out the window.


Americans Everywhere Cheer End of Assault Weapons Ban
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Americans everywhere are cheering the end of the assault weapons ban placed into effect by a Clinton era White House.

"The nightly news has just been so damn boring lately," Dan Steeplelogger visiting from Bedrock Arkansas told the FarceHaven Friday evening at a local strip club. "Why I can't remember the last time some lunatic got out an uzi and gunned down a bus load of nuns. I had to settle for the occasional handgun shooting. Dull, dull, dull."

"There is this misconception that the ban on assault weapons has anything to do with the suprisingly low crime rate we Americans are enjoying now," Republican analyst Jarret Chaffmybritches said about the ban. "And this notion that we may be making it easier for terrorists to get assault grade weaponry without having to smuggle it here is ridiculous."

Bubba Beerbelcher of the National Rifle And Assault Weaponry Association had to add his two cents.

"It's every American's right to have rifles complete with bayonets, flash suppressors and armor piercing bullets. You never know when you'll have to protect your family from an intruder by ventilating him with about thirty rounds of ammunitation. Now all we have to do is win us the next step and get that damned bazooka and hand grenade ban lifted and I can live a happy life."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
John Plante
Mari Plante

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself