September 2011 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 13 Issue 9
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 October 1st - 14th  September 15th - 30th  September 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Coach's Corner Bar in Green Bay to Offer "Grief" Counseling After Losses
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

"Lefty" one of the make believe bartenders at the popular Coach's Corner Bar at 501 N. Adams Street in Green Bay told the FarceHaven he doesn't think his exclusive game loss grief counseling services will be needed too much this season but says "I'm ready to serve the needs of Packer Fans if the team drops a game here or there."

Lefty, who graduated "Always Cum Later" from an on line Institute he prefers not to name, says he has a degree in grief counseling that will enable his to help patrons deal with the occasional loss by the Packers . . . "I can lift their chins out of their beers and quickly return them to good cheer by reminding them about the good things they get by being a Packer Fan." Lefty says he will offer free of charge the use of his skills in the art of acupuncture, full and partial front and rear lobotomies, and aggressive tickling of the private parts which he says he enjoys the most with pretty girls. Lefty ended the interview by saying "My unique services will be available on Packer game days until closing if needed "I am a port in a storm for Green Bay Packer fans!"


Old Thomas Paine letters Hint Affair with Lady Gaga's Great Great Great Grandma
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

History Professor James R. Mildew today released copies of made up letters said to be penned by one of America's most famous founding fathers, Thomas Paine (which were imagined to be written to and for the elder Lady Gaga Germanotta in 1787)

Old Lady Gaga is reported to be the Great, Great, Great (Oh for heaven's sakes) Great Grandmother of the famous entertainer and singer Lady Gaga who dominates the entertainment industry news today.

Mildew, ( who said he was given the letters last Thursday night in a dark alley on the wrong side of the tracks in Boston) Insists the letters are legitimate and said he is having them carbon dated to prove their authenticity. "If these are real, and I think they are . . .  imagine the implications . . . how exciting!" he said.

Paine, who in addition to being an author, revolutionary and avowed atheist was a "corsette maker" by trade. He reportedly met the elder Lady Gaga when she was the headliner . . .  dancing at an area pub.

The FarceHaven made several attempts to contact Lady Gaga for an interview, but we were told she is in London working feverishly on her next effort to embarrass and insult Christians and Jews.


Visit by Leprechauns Results in McNaughton Pub Offering 1oz. Burgers!
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

What a deal . . . a cheeseburger for only a quarter, well that may soon happen if Larry Colvin from the McNaughton Pub ever gets his supply of itsy-bitsy buns from his distributor.

The "Larrinator" as he's affectionately called by regular patrons, came up with the idea after a bus load of Leprechauns recently stopped by the bar on St Pattie's day. After receiving their order Larry noticed the little fellars were dividing the ╝ pound burger 4 ways so in his words "I got to thinkin about it and figgered . . .  HEY . . .  why not offer little bitty burgers with little bitty buns and a 4oz beer?"

Larry went on to say he was gonna call the little burgers "White Castle" but Tammy (his honey) said "That name will never catch on" so Larry suggested "how about callin them sliders" Tammy thought that name was gross so they settled on the name "Itsy-Bitsies" which they plan on offering with two french fries and a 4 oz beer or soda for only fiddy (50 cents)

When Larry was told the small burgers already exist he reportedly shouted "I'll sue those Bastards!" This is Colvin's second disappointment in the world of marketing . . .  in 1985 Larry reportedly tried to market a Pinto automobile, when he was told it had been a disaster and was already off the market . . .  , Colvin was overheard saying to himself . . .  "Ok darnit . . .  maybe I'll call it the Edsel or sumpin!"


George Washington's "Powdered Wig" sold at Flea Market in MI for $6.00
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

Patrons at Randy's Irish Pub in Pine Lake Wisconsin told the FarceHaven that Owner Randy Hazelton was dancing around the bar yelling "I'm GW . . . I'm GW" while wearing what he believed to be the authentic powdered wig owned by America's first President. "It was pathetic" said regular Mike Bettinger . . . I told the damned fool there was a made in China tag inside the wig . . . but he's convinced it's the real McCoy, damned fool!"

Hazelton claims he bought the wig at a flea market in Bessemer Michigan last week, "Look that little flea guy fellar said it was real and I believe him . . . so there!" A defiant Hazelton told our investigative reporter.

Hazelton said he is planning on selling the wig to the first person who lays down $10,000 . . . or best offer.

Hazelton's fiancÚ Debby told us "It's just a phase, he acted like this when he found fools gold in South Dakota . . .  his mind wanders a bit when he gets excited but he doesn't hurt anyone just humor him OK?"


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Contributing Writers:
Don Myers

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself