August 2011 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 13 Issue 8
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 September 1st - 14th  August 15th - 31st  August 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Somalia Offers 500 Billion Dollar Aid Package to Help Reduce U.S. Debt.
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

President Obama thanked the filthy dirt poor country of Somalia today for offering to help him tackle the huge 14 Trillion Dollar (and growing) debt problem confronting the USA.

In a statement released though his exciting newly assigned Press Secretary Jay Carney Obama said "I want to personally thank the people of Somalia for their offer of aid . . . it shows how successful I have been in mending fences with those countries who really did not like George Bush at all, My God I am good . . .  and yes we will hold the check until 2085 at which time it will be cashed and spent on my pet programs . . .  or my daughters favorite stuff . . .  assuming she'll still hold this office by then."

The per/capita income in Somalia is about $600 per year which is about equal to the projected 2013 income of Americans should Obama win in 2012.


Bin Laden Making Porn Flick When Seals Struck
By
Tom O'Donnell -- Contributing Author

What most observers of global politics are not aware of is that the now cash strapped Bin Laden had resorted to making his first porn film to cover costs of his Pakistan Palace.

"Yeah, we were running out of money," Bin Laden wife #23 said. "Bin was drinking a lot and sniffing lots of glue as money was tight. Glue is cheap and we were making homemade beer and wine at our mansion so he made due. Finally, he knew the cheap booze and glue would not do it so he decided to go into the porn business," recalled wife #23.

Bin Laden wife #45 added, "It was Hollywood all the way with the catering trucks and all the extras. Bin was very comfortable in the porn world and adapted quickly. He was a fast learner and negotiated some good deals in regard to the rights of his movies and royalty payments."

Wife #76 then said, "Luckily, the film was wrapped up and ready for the editing process when the end came for Bin. I am told that distribution rights and royalties will be awarded to Bin's wives and children. Plus, there is an idea for some of his porn bloopers to find their way to the DVD process."

"I am seeing a ‘Bin Laden Porn Box Set' with bloopers as one DVD, the Bin Laden Porn DVD with director's commentary and, maybe, a deleted scenes DVD as well," said porn movie mogul Sammy Stern.


Muammar Gaddafi Volunteers to Take Over Bin Laden's Spot at Al-Qaeda
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

Saying he's "ready to pitch my tent someplace new" Libya's Muammar Gaddafi said today he will leave for Bora Bora today if the world will let him take over Bin Laden's position of Al-Qaeda Lord and Head Custodian.

Muammar also said he has sent a friendly cable to President Obama suggesting the two meet over a beer at the White House to discuss the deal . . . "I will give President Obama my word that I will not attack the USA if they do the deal . . .  and Oh Ya I want a new Corvette and Mustang GT thrown in on the deal too!"

As Gaddafi got up to leave a nervous aid whispered in his ear . . . ""My great One . . . the place is the barren mountain caves of Tora Bora . . .  not the islands offering such beautiful pleasures as Bora Bora . . . sorry."

Gaddafi quickly proceeded to have the aid shot and then had his Communication Minister stop the cable to President Obama and tell the state run newspaper "The General was only making a funny . . .  ha, ha but he still would like the Corvette or Mustang if he could have one or the other!"


Missouri Policeman Mortally Wounds Dangerous Concrete Fake Alligator
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

Sometimes stories are just too ridiculous for even me to make up . . .  well in Independence Missouri the other night, it happened again. Police were called to dispatch a very scary and dangerous concrete alligator in Kansas City by a concerned citizen that said it was chasing his cement dog and plastic cat.

OK, SO I made that last part up, sue me already . . .  anyway upon arriving at the scene the Police were told by a Conservation Warden to "Kill the alligator if they felt it presented a danger" so without further ado, one of the officers shot the monster twice. Only after having the ricochet bullet bounce off his head did the Officer notice the alligator was fake, "It looked really really really real" said Officer Izzy Wythit.

The Officers then scolded the property owner who had placed the very dangerous and scary concrete alligator in his yard to scare off the neighbor kids. The land owner promised to replace the alligator with a fake life-sized statue of Pee Wee Herman. Reportedly the officers agreed with the plan and left to check on a report of a really scary and dangerous Sarah Palin standing in the window of a nearby Kansas City shopping center department store.


Tea Party Budget Cuts Include Repealing Gravity
By
Mark Garrison -- Contributing Author

WASHINGTON D.C. - The Tea Party routinely campaigns on cutting the size of government, and statements made by elected tea party members now show us just how they plan on doing so.

With Washington talking about various proposals to reduce the deficit and cut the budget, Sen. Rand Paul and Rep. Michele Bachmann, possibly the two most well known Tea Party members, have each released detailed lists of where those spending cuts should come from.

The numbers in their proposals are mind boggling. Paul wants to slash $700 quintillion in 2010, a year that has already ended. Bachmann's list contains over "$70 thousand grillion" in budget cuts, a number that experts agree doesn't really exist.

Their proposals will most likely not make it into any legislation, and could possibly hit a brick wall that experts call "reality," however, at a time when both lawmakers and many citizens recognize the need for fiscal cut backs, the Paul and Bachmann lists definitely display one way of accomplishing this.

Just a few of Paul's proposals include doing away with the Department of Education and replacing it with a "Department of Jesus Books" in addition to replacing the Department of Defense with a "Department of Prayer and Nuke Boom Booms."

Amounts of various budget cuts as listed in Paul's press release include:

Agriculture Department - 125%

Commerce Department - 175%

Health and Human Services - 1 grillion%

Homeland Security - (To be replaced by NRA members from Mississippi and funded by vigilante drug raids.)

Interior Department - WTF%

Gravity - 100%

Their lists also contain programs and services which would be completely done away with, including Social Security, Medicare, The Food for Starving Babies Fund, The Elderly Starvation Prevention Fund, Drinking Water Purification Council, Homeless Veterans Housing Fund, and Sesame Street.

We mentioned these planned cuts to William Donaldson, an economy professor at Texas A&M University whose head instantly imploded when asked for comment.

Meanwhile, Bachmann's list of proposed budget cuts would replace food stamps with a "trade your baby for food" program, eliminate Veterans Affairs in favor of "Veterans Monogamy" and replace NASA with a "Christian Youth Rocket League."

Bachmann said she would also limit the Veterans Affairs wheel chair budget to one wheel per veteran (which she says would stimulate the economy due to an immediate need for 'veteran unicycle chairs'), privatize the FBI using the cast of Law & Order, replace the Federal Aviation Administration with hot air balloons piloted by Fox News anchors, repeal the Protecting Babies from Being Run Over With Cars reform act, and sell Alaska to Sarah Palin for $5.

Lately, Washington has been laser focused on budget cuts. Last week, the new House Republican majority approved a bill to cut federal spending to "what we spent in 1877." Republican economists say that could mean about $800 trillion in savings while only sacrificing "non-essential luxuries" such as food and water.

With Republicans in charge of the House, they have been eager to flex their muscles. However, several GOP aides have been desperately trying to get their bosses to understand that we still have a Senate and White House controlled by Democrats.

One GOP congressional aide we spoke with said that, "trying to get these idiots to understand what a veto pen does is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to Michele Bachmann." The aide went on to say, "We even tried drawing it out with crayon, but they just stood there and drooled all over the teacher." The aide then hid his face in his hands, wept, and mumbled something about "wishing he would have finished high school."


President Obama Orders "No Fly Zone" Over Reagan National Airport
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

Still reeling from widespread criticism over having only one "sleepy" Aircraft Controller on duty, the Ronald Reagan National Airport learned today there will be a no fly zone policy in effect until 2050.

The Coffee Shop was empty and the urinals in the men's room smelled as fresh as a daisy due to a total lack of passengers waiting for flights. Karl Scrubbed, a lead Custodian at RNA told the The FarceHaven "I've never seen this place so quiet or heard it so empty . . . hell I may as well go home or sumpin . . . I already sent Buford and Max home . . . they said they's goin fish'n in the Potomac river . . .  screw it!"

Marlene Puff, Manager of the gift shop said "It's depressing, I sat here all day and didn't even sell a roll of mints . . . geesh, I usually sell 50 rolls of mints a day . . . newspapers are stacking up, I'm bored to tears I tell ya . . . and what? Did someone say this is until 2050? Oh dear . . . I better call my Harold."

Transportation Secretary Ray Hood told The FarceHaven in an imaginary and exclusive interview "This is really sad . . . where are these people going to go for work . . . all because some lazy fat Bastard can't keep his friggen eyes open . . . it ain't right I tell ya . . . it just ain't right!"

For his part President Obama hinted he may reverse the order to basically shut down RNA but right now he has "too many other things to change his mind about."


Depressed Writer Jumps Out of Basement Window in Failed Suicide Attempt
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

FLASH: A story is developing regarding the attempted suicide of a depressed comedy writer. Although details are still sketchy, The FarceHaven has learned the Journalist survived the three foot leap up from the window . . .  reportedly he escaped with a scratch on his forehead after being rescued from his lawn by a neighbor (who in his words ) "has seen this thing ten times before . . . hey I don't think he gets the concept I suggested to him the upstairs window may be more effective." The FarceHaven will follow this closely and report back as soon as the name of the "Wm. Shakespeare wannabee" is released.


Small Oklahoma Town Overwhelmingly Votes to Return to 1961 . . .  981 to 4
By
Don Myers -- Contributing Author

In a scene reminiscent of an Alfred Hitchcock movie, a small town in central Oklahoma voted last week to return to the year and lifestyle of 1961. Spindelton Oklahoma, population 985 voted to reform their lives, incomes, values and lifestyles to the exact replica of what they were in 1961.

Mayor Walter Bean announced the outcome of a special town referendum voted on November 2nd. 2010 which read

"I hereby lend my support or my opposition to the referendum returning the town of Spindelton Oklahoma to 1961. With this mark I vote ___Yea ___Nea"

Bean smiled as he read the results 981 for, and only 4 against. Under the new ordinance, all citizens will dress in clothing, earn in pay, live in houses, and drive vehicles available prior to January 1962. All food, electricity and other goods and services will be priced at rates equal to that time. TV Shows available in Spindelton will be limited to Gunsmoke, My Three Sons, Andy Griffith Show, Ed Sullivan, Bonanza and a few others that ran during that period.

Visitors to the town will be required to pay a 50% curiosity tax on all goods and services purchased and all cameras, cell phones, I-pads, E-pads, F&G pads will be strictly prohibited from being used in town.

Critics of the movement say they will fight in court to reverse the outcome of the election; however they will be facing Perry Mason who is a passionate supporter of the town and well known for his successes.

President Obama weighed in on the subject yesterday while vacationing in Hawaii by asking, "Who's Perry Mason?"


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Contributing Writers:
Don Myers
Mark Garrison
Tom O'Donnell

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself