August 2004 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 6 Issue 7
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 September 1st - 14th  August 15th - 31st  August 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Mutant Lobsters Attack North Florida Village
By
John Plante -- Staff Writer

Beachgoers were stunned as thirty-seven six-foot-five mutant lobsters marched onto the beach and began attacking onlookers Thursday afternoon. Strangely, the attacks on onlookers seemed to focus primarily on female beach goers with most claw attacks affecting bikini strings or focusing on the female buttocks, causing speculation that the attacks may have actually been perpetrated by the long missing Long Island Rock Lobsters football team who disappeared in the summer of 1997 when their plane went down in sustained 14 mile per hour winds off the coast of Alabama.

"It's horrible," Linda C Cutebottom of Pawtucket Rhode Island told FarceHaven reporters. "I thought I finally got the attention of a man with the right touch and I turn around and all I see are these nasty little lobster eyes staring me back in the face. What's worse is I feel a tug on the back of my thong, and you know, like most people, I think it's that cute little Coppertone puppy, but nope, it was a lobster."

Cutebottom has been cited for bravery by the local community of RockBottom, Florida for organizing beachgoers into an ass-whooping frenzy.

"You should seen it. Linda C charged one of them with a karate kick to the groin, effectively halting the lobster offensive. That's when we realized all of them was males. The second her foot smacked his crotch they all froze in place oohed and awed at the pain their fellow was in before resuming hostilities. Well, Linda's a tough cuss. She split us up into groups, sending some of us to melt butter and others of us to collect pitchforks. Soon we had a melted butter bucket and pitchfork brigade.

"And as luck would have it, there was a hotel Jacuzzi nearby. So Linda C sent us in groups to flank the enemy and drive them into the Jacuzzi using our arsenal of pitchforks and melted butter. And after dinner, we enjoyed some light reading and walks on the beach."

Linda C, incidentally, is a newly single divorcee looking for a man with "nice abs, tight butt" and a smile you could bounce a quarter off of. If you know of such a man, please call 1-888-Get Lin Laid. Operators are standing by.


Superhero Arrested for Indecent Exposure

Bitchslap, local super hero and all around stud muffin was arrested Thursday afternoon for indecent exposure when he, upon hearing a call for help, ran into a phone booth, stripped off all his clothes and rushed to the rescue.

"It's embarasing really, " Bitch said in a public apology. "Before I put on my secret identity this morning, I purposely didn't wear my cape and tights. I heard the cry for help, the hero's bloodlust boiled in my veins and I had to answer the call to duty. Unfortunately, I forgot about the whole not wearing a costume issue."

Lawyers for Bitchslap explained that he was on his way to the doctor's for his annual physical, forcing him to go out in public wearing only the clothes for his secret identity. "The doctor's office is a very dangerous place for your superhero,|" his lawyers said. "More than one superhero was outted by a visit to the hospital believe you me."

Lawyers for the rescued woman have filed a class action lawsuit along with area parents for mental anguish due to the damage of seeing an icon like Bitchslap exposed in the buff.

Police too have related a certain frustration with the superhero. "We can't find his clothes," Jonah Jackeesian told reporters. "After we arrested Bitchslap, we searched the phone booth and couldn't find a thing. Makes you wonder-just where do super heroes keep their street clothes?"

Representatives of the USVU (United Superheroes and Villains Union) could not be reached for comment.


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Smoking Bananas An Up and Coming Pasttime

Very few people think of smoking bananas these days, the act becoming a deed of a bygone and freer era. But a new wave of banana smoking revivalists have begun a new movement, a movement with the goal of raising awareness about the smoking of bananas.

"Banana smoking is just such a rush, better than any drug," Peter Triumpho, CEO of smokemonkeyfood.com. "When you do it, you hit this zen-like state as you patiently wait for the ambient energy in the area to flow into you, to permeate your body like the lust you had as a thirteen-year-old boy for your best friend's mother."

The drastic increases in popularity for this new movement have raised alarms in the nation's capitol.

"Banana smoking is the greatest single most pertinent threat to the security of the United States," James Getlincoln, Democrat Massachusetts told the FarceHaven in a recent interview. "Yeah and my ass is a crack factory," he guffawed. "Those jackasses don't even get the concept of smoking bananas right.

"You know what those idiots are doing? They're wrapping the damn things in foil and renting smokehouses to smoke them in. They think its some kind of gourmet food or something! How dumb can the son of a bitches be?"


Today's Hollowscope

Leo: Beware of flatulence today as you go about your daily tasks. Especially avoid leaning over in front of your boss, he may not live to regret it.

Virgo: Those patriotic feelings you've felt growing in your chest are starting to influence your life in ways that you'd never expected. So what if you like to prance around the shopping mall in a star spangled tutu with an M-16 slung over your shoulder while singing God Save the Queen at the top of your lungs. It's a free country, right?

Libra: Remember how you've always wanted to tell your boss what you think of him? Go ahead and tell that son of a bitch what for! Deep down, he truly respects what you think and will act according to your best interests.

Scorpio: Remember that pain in the ass Libra you've always wanted to fire? Well buddy, we just paved the way. Be sure door hits ass on the way out.

Sagittarius: Those feelings of paranoia about your feelings of paranoia are well founded. You are in fact paranoid that you might be paranoid about paranoia. In fact, that paranoia you are feeling about being paranoid might in fact be caused by your other feelings of paranoia, the feelings that tell you might not be feeling paranoid enough about not feeling too paranoid about the situation at hand. So in fact you have the right to feel paranoid about not being paranoid enough about a lack of paranoia about being paranoid. Hang in there champ. There will be a tomorrow - we think.

Capricorn: Monday evening, someone will be dancing outside the store you work at dressed in a star spangled tutu singing "God Save the Queen." Give in to the impulse to dress in accompanying star-spangled tights and dance costume and join the festivities, but watch your hands; that gun toting tutu wearing princess is not only a crack shot with the M-16, but a master of martial arts as well. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Aquarius: The stars tell me that Biff Bundlemaker your high school bully will be ordering a coconut cream pie at approximately 7:45 PM on Saturday night at Mary Dayplanner's family restraunt. This gives you exactly five days to apply for a job, get trained as a pastry chef and request work on Saturday evening just to have the sole satisfaction of adding several choicely vile "special" ingredients to his meal when no one's looking. Well, what are you waiting for slacker? Get to it!

Pisces: That special someone you think has the hots for you has the hots for you. Unfortunately for you there's the issue of the sex change no one knows about that will cause you problems in the near future. But who's sex change is it? Yours or your special someone's?

Aries: Fight that impulse Wednesday afternoon to call the cop that pulls you over a pansy faced gun toting afterbirth of an introverted roto-rooted dental hygienist. He gets sensitive when others bring up his past and may give you a ticket out of spite.

Taurus: No matter how loudly that jackass across the street tells you to get out of the road, stand your ground. The driver of the bus that's about to hit you should have just enough time to swerve out of the way.

Gemini: So baby, what's your sign? Do you frequent the Hollowscope often? Me? Oh I'm here every time the Hollowscope's around. Wanna get a few drinks, maybe come over for a nightcap? Don't worry baby, I don't bite - much.

Cancer: Aliens have landed in your backyard and you have fifteen minutes to stop total world annihilation. I know we're all probably doomed relying on you to save the day and I'm trying to not be pessimistic about our odds, but you have to convince the aliens that Earth would not be a worthy target of conquest. Look pal, you can give it to me straight - we're screwed right? We are? Just great, that nightmare I had about being a sex slave to a three armed, six eyed five hundred seventy-five pound alien ground sloth are just about to come true. Thanks a lot pal.


Community Events Calendar

Alcoholics Out Of The Closetus

will be holding its biannual javelin throwing competition August 2, 2004 in the parking lot across the street from St Mary's Hospital on 24th street. This should be an improvement over the prior competition in that instead of a 75 mile trip to the emergency room, accidental puncture victims will only have to about 200 feet to receive emergency medical treatment.

The Bible Thumpers Of America

is currently recruiting members for a missionary mission to Najaf, Iraq. New recruits will minister to the masses of the Iraqi people for 14 days and 14 nights in an effort to assist Coalition and Iraqi forces diffuse the volatile situation cause by al Sadr's militia that is currently in control of the city. Members are encouraged to wear their brightest "Our God is the only God" T-Shirts, but are also encouraged to set their affairs in order before departure.

Block The Vote

will be holding its first ever anti-voting rally in Los Angeles, Minnesota Friday afternoon. The rally was originally scheduled to be held Thursday evening, until members voted to move the rally to Friday as most of the Block The Vote membership could not bear to miss reruns of NBC's Must See TV


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
John Plante

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself