May 2011 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 13 Issue 5
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 June 1st - 14th  May 1st - 14th  March 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Edgewater Parents Expand Peanut Butter Picketing Efforts
By
Clayton Follows -- Staff Writer

Parents in Edgewater, Florida are expanding the scope of their protests of a first grade school girl's right to attend school in a peanut free environment. The young lady is afflicted with a peanut allergy so sensitive that just breathing peanut dust could cause a reaction. Parents at the school feel that requiring students to wash their hands, rinse out their mouths in order to protect the first grader is going too far.

"Look -- it's bad enough that my kid's school put in a wheelchair ramp for some gimp kid, but now we have to deal with this peanut thing too?" Jed Clempkit told the FarceHaven. "I saw that little terd last week, so smug, going up his ramp and I told him he should learn to take the stairs like normal people do."

Asked if he thought the American with Disabilities act took things too far, Clempkit replied. "I think it does. Why the next thing you'll know, we'll have to let seeing eye dogs on campus and get interpreters for kids who are too stupid to speak. You know, if people behaved more like good Christian folk like myself and my wife, and they'd man up a bit and quit relying on the charity of others."

Asked what he'd do if his own child were in the same situation, Clempkit replied, "Like that'd ever happen. I'm just sick of these folks, acting all disabled, taking advantage of good Christian taxpayers like myself, acting like they are people with rights and needs like the rest of us normal folk. They should be ashamed."


Viva Viagra
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news ladies but, looks like Hugh Hefner is off the market. The world's oldest and creepiest bachelor is getting married. Hugh announced his engagement to girlfriend, Crystal Harris a few months ago and now a June wedding is planned. The nuptials, will of course, take place at the "Playboy Mansion" and will be attended by thousands of guests; most of which, Hugh Hefner has had sex with.

Hefner, 84, and the lovely bride-to-be, 24, both say that the age difference means nothing to them. The future Mrs. Hefner says that she can introduce her husband to "twitter" and "Texting" and, Hugh, a walking history lesson, can tell his new bride all about his time in the Revolutionary War and his "menage au trois" with Betsy Ross and Florence Nightingale.

Honeymoon plans have yet to be announced. The couple is registered at "Bed, Bath and Beyond" and "Cedars Sinai Hospital."

"Mazel Tov!"


Former President Carter Holds Press Conference
By
Philbert of Macadamia -- Contributing Author

Plains GA: Former Democratic President James E. Carter (1977-1981) called a press conference about a telephone call he received this week from President Obama.

Mr. Carter said that President Obama called to ask if he was interested in joining the Obama administration. I replied that I was pretty busy with the peanut farm, my presidential library, Habitat for Humanity and lusting after Rosalynn. But, I could clear my schedule if my services are important to the nation.

President Obama said the position wouldn't be available until January 20th 2013. However, some run-up preparation effort would be necessary prior to the general election of November 2012. I need more help with my presidential duties of mismanaging: the economy; health care; foreign policy; energy; finance and banking; communications and the Internet; and the military. Then there is the task of figuring out how to over regulate and overspend to increase the national debt above $15 trillion.

The president added, Vice President Biden told me he wasn't going to run with me again. In fact he threatened to become a Republican, after he gets the foot out of his mouth. He recommended you as vice president, since as the 39th president you were responsible for: high unemployment and high inflation (stagflation); high energy prices; the Iran Crisis; watched the Russians invade Afghanistan and gave away the Panama Canal. You also already know where the bathrooms are in the White House.

President Obama finished the call by saying his Democratic left wing base of lawyers, unions and environmentalists will love you, as you'll compliment the ticket. However Jimmy, you have to stop bashing Israel and learn to love homosexuals!


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Clayton Follows

Contributing Writers:
Joanne Schiffbauer
Philbert of Macadamia

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself