March 2011 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 13 Issue 3
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 May 1st - 14th  March 1st - 14th  January 1st - 31st Editor: John Blackemire

Denial Just Ain't a River in Egypt
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

With the much anticipated wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, Hollywood is all abuzz with plans to make a film of the iconic couple.

Katie Holmes, the current top contender for the role of Ms. Middleton has all the physical attributes of the bride to be.

Katie is the right age (28) right height (5'10") and right hair color (brunette) As far as a British accent goes, Katie assured us that it can be easily acquired with the aid of a dialect coach.

But, seems like someone else in "Tinsel Town" has her eye on the coveted role of the next Queen of England.

Miss Meryl Streep has released a statement saying, "I am an actress...an "Academy Award" winning actress. I can play any part. You want young? I can play young! You want tall? I can play tall! You want brunette and British? Can do! Can do!" She goes on to say "There is only one actor who can play Prince William to my Kate...a consummate actor who can mold himself into any role...DUSTIN HOFFMAN!"

A representative for Mr. Hoffman read a statement from the actor. In it, Mr. Hoffman thanked Meryl Streep for her very kind words and said that he is looking forward to working with her on the film about the young Royals.

Dustin was also overheard saying, "I smell an Oscar!"


Porn Star Gone Missing After Falling Into Plot Hole
By
Michael Jenkins -- Contributing Author

Authorities and friends of the Adult Entertainment Industry have concluded another disappointing day of searching for missing porn star Veronica Vivacious after she fell into a plot hole nearly 4 days ago.

"It feels as though we have exhausted all possibilities," says masturbator Kenneth Christian. "I don't know where else we can look; but we are not going to lose hope. This kind of thing has happened before without causing any permanent damage."

It's true. Porn stars have been lost in plot holes before, but according to researchers, the plot hole Veronica Vivacious fell into was more massive than anything they had ever seen before.

"This isn't your typical 'Pizza-delivery boy' plot hole," said Pornographic Theologian Francis Rosewater. "The movie Veronica was starring in involved time travel, well-hung aliens from a distant galaxy, as well as leprechauns who give people their sex upon reaching the end of the rainbow. It's--it's a complete a mess."

The man responsible for this catastrophe is 19 year old screenwriter Billy Durham, who commented to reporters, "I know there were some things wrong with my script that needed some finesse, a little touching-up, as it were; but Jesus! I didn't know I could create the biggest plot hole in porno history! I just figured that Veronica could sex her way out of any scene and distract the viewer away from the script's mistakes. Maybe a porn star with higher caliber than Veronica could do it, but it's too late for recasting the role."

Drastic steps are being taken in order to rescue Veronica Vivacious, and requests have been made to actual screenwriters from Hollywood to somehow create a literary bridge for her to escape the murky depths of the plot chasm created by the inexperienced Durham.

"I've read this 'script' over and over again," said screenwriter Charlie Kaufman, writer of Being John Malkovich, and Adaptation. "and I am pulling my hair out trying to figure out how to fix this miserable, horrific screenplay. I mean, where is Veronica? Is she with the Aliens, is she in 17th century Europe, or is she having sex at the end of the rainbow? I just don't know, I really don't know! But I'm a huge fan of Veronica's, and I will do everything in my creative power to get her out."

With both Hollywood and the Adult Entertainment Industry working hand in hand during these troubled times, the mood is more positive regarding the recovery of Veronica Vivacious, and many are hoping to recover Veronica by early next week, and the world can continue with their normal masturbatory schedule.


Wright Brothers Letters Found at the National Archives
By
Philbert of Macadamia -- Contributing Author

Washington DC: A rare series of letters written in 1900 by Wilbur and Orville Wright to the Interior Department Secretary Mr. Cyrus LaHood (Great Great Grandfather of Ray LaHood, USDOT Secretary) have been discovered stuffed in an old file cabinet.

The Wright brothers initially wrote the Interior Department Secretary requesting a three year government loan of $10,000 to help finance their experiments with heavier than air flying machines. The brothers were overdrawn at the bank, had mortgaged their houses and bicycles were not selling at their shop because of the recession of 1899-1900.

The Interior Department Secretary wrote back to the Wright brothers that government money was available provided the flying machine achieved a speed of 100 mph, a 1000 mile range, and an altitude of 1000 feet. Seven airbags and seat belts were required for safety purposes as well as the use of green technology. A competitive bidding process was also stipulated.

The Wright brothers responded to the Interior Department Secretary that if their flying machine could achieve a speed of 30 mph, a 1000 feet range, and an altitude of 30 feet they would be extremely pleased. Additionally, Orville and Wilbur stated that the latest design soft leather helmets and goggles were available for pilot safety and that the fabric covering of the aircraft could be dyed green.

By this time the Wright brothers, who had different personalities, both sensed that they were wasting their time asking the federal government for any help. This frustration was manifested in the last paragraph of their response letter, which had turned yellow with the ink being very faded. A resident documentarian at the National Archives was able to reconstruct a portion of this text which reads "and the horse you rode in on!"

The Wright Flyer was the first heavier than air powered aircraft designed and built by the Wright brothers. They flew it four times on December 17, 1903 near the Kill Devil Hills, about four miles south of Kitty Hawk NC, taking turns at the controls.


That's How They Roll!
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

When "Hollywood" ladies go through breakups, they get back in the game immediately. Take Susan Sarandon for instance. When she and her much younger, long time love, Tim Robbins split, Susan bounced right back. Two words...

Justin Bieber! It's true, Susan and Justin have been spotted "canoodling" all over Disneyland. Susan was overheard saying, "Justin may not be tall enough to ride all of the rides, but he's tall enough for me!"

And, to any guy who might think about "dissing" Taylor Swift...one word...DON'T! Taylor writes songs about her exes...those "Somebody done somebody wrong songs." So, take that Nick Jonas or Joe Jonas or the other Jonas! You know who you are! And, John Mayer...BUSTED!

Least we forget Kim Kardashian. Miss K., broken hearted after her recent breakups with two famous NFL players, has decided to trade Reggie Bush and Miles Austin for a "Quarterback" and "Tight End" to be named later.

That's how they roll!


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Contributing Writers:
Joanne Schiffbauer
Michael Jenkins
Philbert of Macadamia

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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