November 2010 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 12 Issue 11
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 January 1st - 31st  November 1st - 14th  October 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Hoarding, Hollywood Style
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

What a shocker! The latest "Hoarder" to be featured on Sunday night's "Hoarders" is none other than Liz Taylor! Seems like the much married Liz Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky, 8 marriages to her credit, is adding 3 more.

When clean up crews and professional organizers arrived at the Taylor home, buried in the mountains of designer handbags, Hollywood memorabilia, wigs, gowns, empty pizza boxes and, Chinese carry-out containers, were 3 more of Liz's husbands.

Missing person reports had been filed on the 3 men; pizza delivery man, Anthony Donatelli, UPS driver, David Anthony and Chinese "take-out" driver, Henry Woo.

All 3 men seemed no worse for the ordeal; happy to be discovered but, assured the crew that they were looking forward to the "Thai" food they had just ordered and, adding a new member to their little family!


Shakespeare to Appear on Masterchef
By
Paul Tims -- Contributing Author

Top cookery program, Celebrity Masterchef, is set to announce its most star-studded line-up of contestants to date, with this year's edition featuring the like of ruff-wearing word-smith, William Shakespeare, shoe-eating superstar, Charlie Chaplin and mono-testicular dictator, Adolf Hitler.

It is the first of these that has caused the greatest sensation, with the bard promising to talk throughout the show in iambic pentameter, the poetic structure used throughout his plays. In return, the company that produces the show will allow him to go back to his peaceful grave in Stratford-upon-Avon.

However, it's not all thrills and cheering in the land of cookery programs with dead poets. The famous writer's scheduled appearance on television is causing widespread controversy, as well. Historian, Joey Spanderwitz is furious that the resurrected wordsmith is appearing on Masterchef instead of a serious historical documentary.

"It is simply outrageous that, with so little known about the bard's life, his first televised appearance will be for little more than arbitrary titillation as oppose to real, important information gathering," sputtered the incensed historian.

Pro-death groups are also purported to be ‘disappointed' with the show's needless use of deceased famous people to bolster its viewing, particularly given that current corpse-resuscitation techniques tend to result in temporary, or even permanent, zombie behavior patterns in those they are used on.

However, despite such objections, the public seem to love the idea, with projected viewing figures for the episode reaching well into the millions.

It seems the public just can't get enough of the living-dead, particularly when they're given frying pans and a set of limited ingredients.

There is no word as yet from the undead civil rights groups that have sprung up around the country since the invention of corpse resuscitation, but it is safe to assume they're reactions will be "knee-jerk zombie liberal" in nature, claims pundit, Thatcher McGrinch talking to a representative of this magazine late last night. In a pub.

In short, we can expect some real fireworks to fly when the undead rights brigade get involved, and we'll be there to cover it!


The New Interest Rate
By
Hanaa Elzahabe Elsayed -- Contributing Author

There have been long queues in front of banks after Banks have decided to make the interest rate minus 10% which means that banks give you money on the loans you get .

Banks have changed their policy from what is called "Cheap Money" to "Profitable Money". People have stopped working and started having fun and spending. One citizen has commented on the new interest rate:

"This is what we have always needed, prosperity not austerity; I don't have to wake up early and I go to bed at dawn; I have got no worries or fears about the future."

Everyone is happy, and gross national product has become zero, but no one cares.


Walking With Cavemen?
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

Anthropologists from around the world have gathered in Stockholm, Sweden this week to share and examine their findings about "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" and, "Jersey Shore" cast.

After two seasons on the air, seems like there is indisputable proof that the citizens of this state, New Jersey, are NOT FULLY EVOLVED! From "table flipping" to "fisticuffs," the evidence is clear.

The scientists point to the fact that the "Jersey Shore" and "Housewives" cast, both exhibit a lack of verbal skills and, that combined with their obvious lack of self control help to prove the scientists right about their hypothesis.

Dr. Wisenhimer further states that the unusually low foreheads of some of the cast, gives credence to the conclusion that New Jersey is still home to "Cro-magnon" and "Neanderthal" people.


Iota Mania
By
Hanaa Elzahabe Elsayed -- Contributing Author

Iranian president has repeatedly said, "I won't budge one iota on the nuclear issue." Israeli PM has also said, " I won't budge one iota on the settlements issue."

When the Iranian president was asked about the possible sanctions against his country, he said," I don't care one iota" and no one asked the Israeli PM about the impossible sanctions against Israel.

An iota mania is sweeping through the world- people have begun to use it again on a large scale. Some people haven't known such a musical word exists in the English language. In addition to its musicality, it gives a strength of personality and character to its users - it sounds frank, precise and inflexible.

Now, we have iota love poems : "Though you stabbed me in the back with a blunt knife, I will stay faithful to you till the last iota of my life" that has been written by a faithful, betrayed lover, and we have iota domestic violence poems: "I can't live with you one more iota and I intend to buy you a Toyota" that has been written by a wife fed up with her husband. We have iota stories : a friend of mine in a thoughtless moment and after seeing the Iranian president on TV using the "iota", tried to imitate him and use the iota with his nastily domineering boss; he exploded in his boss' face," I can't stand you one more iota"; he was fired and now he is jobless without one iota of money. We have also iota sayings:" An iota in hand is better than two in the bush."

There is also an animal like the squirrel called iota, people in China raise it. I have been to one of these iota farms where I saw bright yellow baby iotas, pretty and lovely, running around their mothers.

Back to politics, when an American official was asked about the Iranian president statement " I won't budge one iota on the nuclear issue", he said, " I totally agree with him; he won't budge one iota because he will budge a thousand iotas"


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Contributing Writers:
Hanaa Elzahabe Elsayed
Joanne Schiffbauer
Paul Tims

Issues

2012
Jan 01 - 31
Jan 01 - 31

2011
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Jan 01 - 31

2010
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31
Jan 01 - 31

2009
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28

2008
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14

2007
Nov 15 - 30
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Jan 01 - 31

2006
Sep 15 - 30
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31

2005
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 15 - 31
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 15 - 30
Jun 01 - 14
May 15 - 31
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31

2004
Nov 15 - 30
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 15 - 31
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 15 - 30
Jun 01 - 14
May 15 - 31
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 29
Jan/Feb

2003
Dec 01 - 31
Nov 01 - 30
Oct 01 - 31
Sep 01 - 30
Aug 01 - 31


You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself