October 2010 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 12 Issue 10
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 November 1st - 14th  October 1st - 14th  September 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Toddler Tethered to Hydrant Outside Petsmart
By
Michael Jenkins -- Contributing Author

Elliot Myerson, age 3, was found tethered to a fire hydrant outside a local Petsmart store yesterday afternoon while his mother shopped inside with the family dog.

The device keeping Elliot at bay from his mother was a child harness that wrapped around his little torso and prevented him from running into the street. Elliot's mother, Sandy Myerson, age 36, did not see what was so alarming about the situation.

"Why would they make child harnesses if we can't treat our children like dogs," she asked reporters upon exiting the store. "And it's not like I leave him outside of every store we go to, just the Petsmart."

Mrs. Myerson has reportedly tried to bring both family dog (Buttons) and little Elliot inside the Petsmart, but found that trying to hold on to both her son's leash and the dog's leash had "disastrous results."

"The dog is always left outside when we go shopping," Mrs. Myerson explained further. "But the Petsmart is the only store where the dog is allowed inside, and I want to make sure that Buttons feels like one of the family."

Buttons the Dog declined to comment, but did however, relieve himself on the hydrant while Elliot barked at passing motorists.

"Look," Mrs. Myers said in conclusion. "If Elliot ever chews through his leash and gets hit by oncoming traffic, I'll take responsibility, no problem. But I will not be labeled a ‘bad mother' because my son wears a child-harness. Shame on all of you!"


Prime Minister Surprised by Deputy Clegg's Lack of Interest!
By
Paul Tims -- Contributing Author

When the coalition government in Britain was founded, it was largely described in marital terms, with David Cameron and Nick Clegg as a happy couple ready to flop into the rose petal-covered bed of British politics, like a wisely deleted scene from American Beauty. But now, the truth is finally out: Clegg's just not interested.

Prime Minister Cameron appeared, teary-eyed on news round last night to confess his disappointed expectations to the public. "I had agreed to the coalition because I thought it might bring us closer together," the premier wept into an expensive handkerchief, "but now... I just don't know any more. I approached him- I did everything right: wine, chocolates, a nice trip to flicks to see a rom-com... But at the end of the evening..." At this point the PM's words became entirely unintelligible to anyone unable to decode the morbid wailing more commonly associated with hysterical teenage girls who get stood up at the prom in American movies.

Clegg's response to the outburst was broadcast this morning following a press conference in which he stated his position. "I went into this coalition in order to better the lot of the British people, not flirt with statesmen," explained the callous manipulatrix, apparently determined to ignore Mr. Cameron's broken heart.

However, the emotional impact of the broken relationship is only one aspect of this unfolding crisis. Many pundits have speculated that this might break the coalition entirely. Respected political analyst and part-time call-boy Frederick "Tool" Anderson pointed out this morning that "the current British Government is held together purely by a dash of romance and a shared sense of disappointment at the financial situation. Actual policy has very little to do with it when one party's regressive and the other progressive. Now, with the love interest removed, total collapse of the political system is inevitable." He then went onto to panic about the inevitable doom and looting we may all face if the government actually collapses. For a whole hour.

While the total disintegration of society is widely considered to be unlikely, the effects of the split will, inevitably be felt by us all in our day to day lives. The business of government will, unavoidably, be slowed by the necessity of having the Prime Minister and the Deputy Prime Minister communicate through notes passed on via intermediaries. This may mean expected changes such as electoral reform will take longer to put through. Possible changes to the tax and benefits system are also expected to be dragged out by the aftermath of the tiff.

Several Voters' groups have put pressure on Clegg to apologize and take Cameron out for a romantic meal in order that normal political functionality may be resumed. As yet, the Deputy PM has not responded to these pleas favorably, asserting, "It is beneath my dignity to pretend to be gay in order to appease my political superior."

However, there is no doubt, pressure will continue to mount.


One More Time Tour
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

The members of the "One More Time Club," are meeting in Vegas to finalize plans for their "One More Time Tour."

Cher, a member since her last "Farewell Tour," retiring, not once, but 27 times, is the acting president. Cher, as we all know, was "Lady gaga," before "Lady Gaga" was "Lady Gaga!" Cher, queen of all things Spandex, Feathers and Black Fishnet and, with the help of her plastic surgeon and designer Bob Mackie, will "Headline" the show!

The Country Music World will be thrilled to hear that "The Judds," Wynona and Naomi, are making plans to kick off their tour in Branson, Missouri. The Judds are hoping to convince the "Osmonds"...Donny and Marie and all 657 of them to get on the bus with them.

And, are you ready for this, the usually reclusive Barbra Streisand is herself coming out of retirement to join the rest of the gang in Branson. Seems like "Babs" still has a concert or two left in her!

Plans are already underway for a "One More Time Cruise" with Captain Steuben and the rest of the crew from "The Love Boat." They will be greeting everyone with a big "Welcome Aboard" and setting sail for more great fun and adventures!

For information and dates...go to...www.onemoretimetour.com


Bill Introduces the New Visa Bill before Parliament
By
Hanaa Elzahabe Elsayed -- Contributing Author

The famous MP for Bogusshire, Punch-drunk Bill, introduced the New Visa Bill before parliament yesterday.

In a rousing speech to parliament, he explained the need for the new visa and explained that since there is a "student visa" and there is a "tourist visa", then there must be a "terrorist visa." This is what is called "equality".

Anyone applying for the visa should explain in his/her application the purpose of entering the country: blowing something up, killing, kidnapping, etc. This is what is called "honesty".

The authorities will let him complete his mission, and then he gives himself up. This is what is called "cooperation".

He will be tried and given the right sentence. This is what is called "justice".

And if anyone by any chance believe any of what I have just said, then we have what is called "idiocy."

At the end of the speech, there was loud applause and the New Visa Bill was rejected at once. All MPs like Punch-drunk Bill, but always rejects his bills - they are known as "Bill's bills". In spite of being weird, the people of his constituency, "Bogusshire", who are equally weird, like him and always vote for him.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Contributing Writers:
Hanaa Elzahabe Elsayed
Joanne Schiffbauer
Michael Jenkins
Paul Tims

Issues

2012
Jan 01 - 31
Jan 01 - 31

2011
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Jan 01 - 31

2010
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31
Jan 01 - 31

2009
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28

2008
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 01 - 14
May 01 - 14
Apr 01 - 14

2007
Nov 15 - 30
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Jan 01 - 31

2006
Sep 15 - 30
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31

2005
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 15 - 31
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 15 - 30
Jun 01 - 14
May 15 - 31
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 28
Jan 01 - 31

2004
Nov 15 - 30
Nov 01 - 14
Oct 15 - 31
Oct 01 - 14
Sep 15 - 30
Sep 01 - 14
Aug 15 - 31
Aug 01 - 14
Jul 15 - 31
Jul 01 - 14
Jun 15 - 30
Jun 01 - 14
May 15 - 31
May 01 - 14
Apr 15 - 30
Apr 01 - 14
Mar 15 - 31
Mar 01 - 14
Feb 01 - 29
Jan/Feb

2003
Dec 01 - 31
Nov 01 - 30
Oct 01 - 31
Sep 01 - 30
Aug 01 - 31


You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
Note: If, by some slim chance, someone out there mistakes the FarceHaven for a real newspaper, let me be the first to correct them. It is in fact, a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any individuals dead, living, dismembered is purely coincidental (except for open source photography and edited photography) except for possible fictional quotations attributed to celebrity personas. The FarceHaven Tribune and any staff contributed content is the property of The Cynic Online Magazine, Copyright 2000-2017. Any contributed works remain the property and copyright of the work's copyright holder and/or the author him or herself