September 2010 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 12 Issue 9
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 October 1st - 14th  September 1st - 14th  August 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Merck & Co. Release New Flintstone-Shaped Vicodin
By
Michael Jenkins -- Contributing Author

The pharmaceutical giant, Merck & Co., has just released a fun new shape of Vicodin in the form of your favorite "Flintstones" characters.

"It's an exciting day," said Merck spokesman, Jonathan Sanders, "We are the second largest pharmaceutical manufacturer on the planet, and we think this idea can sky-rocket us to the top."

It's true. For years, Merck and other drug manufacturers have been having a hard time breaking into a more friendly market.

"People immediately associate us with pain or addiction," continued Sanders, who has been with the company for 6 years after a long career as spokesman for Philip Morris. "Our products are about helping people relax, not to get them hooked on drugs. We're putting a happy face on our product."

It's a brilliant public relations maneuver that will hopefully paint a happier picture for the pharmaceutical goliath. "No longer will our product, Vicodin, be a faceless pill associated with those anti-drug ads where kids are overdosing. No, we're better than that. You won't see any anti-drug advertisements where kids are overdosing on Flintstones; it's just not gonna happen."

Even before the new fun-face of Vicodin hits the pharmacies, Merck is so confident in their strategy, they are looking to bring back even more enchanting marketing characters such as Spuds Mckenzie for Oxycontin (another pain medication), and Joe Camel to represent Yaz (a birth control supplement).


President Obama to Reduce Size of Federal Government
By
Philbert of Macadamia -- Contributing Author

Washington DC: Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs announced today that President Obama has decided to reduce the size of the Federal Government by eliminating some Executive Branch agencies.

During the president's visit to observe the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, it became obvious to the chief executive that the government has grown too large and that he needed to clean his own Executive Branch house. Departing agency executives will be compensated, but must leave all government property behind (cell phones, cars, office furnishings, PORN collections).

The immediately affected Washington DC federal agencies and associated field offices will be as follows:

EPA, Interior Department/MMS and FEMA for incompetence, mismanagement and not properly anticipating the looming disaster, hobbling the various southern state governor's from acting and then invoking needless regulations to hinder oil spill cleanup.

DOJ, USCIS (excluding the FBI and portions of ICE, respectively) and Homeland Security for not securing the US border with Mexico, causing the State of Arizona to pass their own laws about illegal immigration and also not reading the new Arizona law.

The FED, Treasury Department, FANNIE MAE and FREDDIE MAC for causing the conditions that led up to the Wall Street meltdown and by being asleep at the existing regulation/enforcement switch.

The US State Department for not implementing an effective foreign policy to deal with Iran and North Korea's nuclear programs, Islamic terrorists and insulting our closest allies.

DOE for being incapable of getting rabid environmentalists to stop blocking the building of Solar electric generating facilities in California, two years following President Obama's inauguration promises.

The functions of all these disbanded agencies will now be run out of the White House by President Obama, Michelle Obama, Chief of Staff Emanuel, Senior Advisor Axelrod, Press Secretary Gibbs and Vice President Biden. Former President George W Bush and Karl Rove will be hired as consultants.

President Obama is keeping the appropriated funding for the shuttered agencies intact. Additional Executive Branch agencies, such as the IRS, DOT, FAA, FDA and FCC are also being considered for elimination. A presidential decision will be made shortly whether the GPO is to be spared or money is to be printed in the basement of the White House.


Glenn Beck Secretly Happy That Prop 8 Was Overturned
By
Anonymous -- Contributing Author

Nationally syndicated talk show host, Glenn Beck, has privately told friends of his elation in regards to a judicial ruling which declared that a ban on gay marriage in California is unconstitutional. Beck, 46, is thrilled that he will have the opportunity to justify his subsequent homophobic rants on the basis of "family values." According to sources close to Beck, the conservative ideologue has stated that the ruling is the perfect opportunity to instill even more hatred and fear into his already excessively deranged listeners. Beck said, "I have been so fortunate throughout my career to be able to attract attention and generate significant income on the basis of ignorance, intolerance, and mental instability. I am incredibly thankful that God has awarded me with yet another occasion to exploit my cognitively deficient fan base."

On the most recent episode of Fox News' The Glen Beck Program, Glenn was seen crying hysterically as he informed his audience that the allowance of gay marriage in California was an act of God, based on His anger over the escalation of secular progressivism in America, and the election of Barack Obama. Beck went on to say, "If we don't stop the spread of atheism and liberalism in America, the nefarious gay agenda will be imposed on all of us -- after they take away your family values, they will come for your homes, your money, and even your children!"

The second the cameras stopped rolling, Glenn was lauded with applause from the show's crew members and producers. "That was one hell of a performance," said one cameraman as he raised a glass of champagne in the host's honor.

Beck reportedly spent the remainder of his evening reading critical analyses of the day's show, beaming with pride each time he saw his name in print.


How World Leaders Deal with Offshore Drilling Oil Spills
By
Philbert of Macadamia -- Contributing Author

Washington DC: President Obama met with four presidents and a king of a number of nations that perform off shore oil drilling to find out how they would deal with major oil spills. These nations were the Russian Federation (RF), the Peoples Republic of China (PRC), the Islamic Republic of Iran and the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.

CSPAN recorded the entire closed door meeting at the White House for broadcast later to the American people, but has provided a written summary of the remarks of each leader.

President Barack Obama (USA): I observed the British Petroleum (BP) oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico first hand, including the efforts of BP employees and ordinary American citizens to stop the leak and clean up the mess. The BP Oil Company executives and Transocean Ltd oil rig owners were reprimanded. The responsible US government agency executives were asked to resign and will probably become oil company consultants. The US Congress held hearings to fix the blame and American citizens will be suing the BP Oil Company and Transocean Ltd for damages. The president then apologized for the oil spill to gulf state residents.

President Dmitry Medvedev (RF/Russia): I would appraise the oil spill close up, including the efforts of Yukos, Rosneft or other involved state owned oil company's employees and ordinary Russian citizens to stop the leak and clean up the mess. The responsible state owned oil company executives and other responsible RF government executives would be fired. These disgraced individuals would also be sent to reeducation facilities in Siberia or to invade Chechnya.

President Hu Jintao (PRC/China): I would visit the oil spill site, including examining the efforts of China National Offshore Oil Corporation (CNOOC) or other involved state owned oil company's employees and ordinary Chinese citizens to stop the leak and clean up the mess. The responsible state owned oil company executives and other responsible Chinese government executives would be immediately shot or sent to reeducation facilities in North Korea.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Iran): I would travel to the oil spill area, including perusing the efforts of the National Iranian Oil Company (Anglo Iranian Oil Company became BP) or other involved state owned oil company's employees and ordinary Iranian citizens to stop the leak and clean up the mess. The responsible state owned oil company executives and other responsible Iranian government executives would be sent to Hamas, Hezbollah and the Taliban to become homicide bombers. Then I would go to the UN to blame the USA and Israel.

King Abdullah (Saudi Arabia): I would go to the oil spill area, including seeing the efforts of Saudi Aramco or other involved state owned oil company's employees and ordinary Saudi citizens to stop the leak and clean up the mess. The responsible state owned oil company executives and other responsible Saudi government princes would be flogged, stoned or beheaded.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Contributing Writers:
Anonymous
Michael Jenkins
Philbert of Macadamia

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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