August 2010 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 12 Issue 8
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 September 1st - 14th  August 1st - 14th  July 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Biden Telling Everyone Glenn Beck Masturbatory Blindness Joke
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Joe Biden is telling everyone he comes across - visiting heads of state, staffers, White House

janitorial crew - a bawdy joke attributing the ocular malady of conservative pundit Glenn Beck tochronic masturbation, sources close to the vice president and avid collector of vintage Playboy magazines report.

The nearly constant delivery of the same raunchy joke has led to disruptions at the highest levels of the American system of government

"He nudges me with his elbow during a cabinet meeting on North Korea ahead of the upcoming war games. Just as [CIA Director Leon] Panetta is about to give us the figures on Pyongyang's troop strength near the DMZ, he practically yells "an entire box of Kleenex', then laughs like a hyena." reports Secretary of Defense Robert Gates.

"Then five minutes later he's cornered [Energy Secretary Steven] Chu in the hallway telling him the same joke."

Anonymous sources close to President Obama report the vice president is being sent on a special diplomatic mission to Siberia ahead of an official state visit by Pope Benedict XVI.


Man Vents Anger at BP by Selling Harry Potter Novels
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

MAN VENTS ANGER AT BP BY SELLING HARRY POTTER NOVELS

Springfield, IL: Jerry Combs, 27, recently expressed his extreme frustration and anger at oil giant BP by selling his complete set of Harry Potter novels on Internet mainstay eBay. "It's time the "small people' make their voices heard. Big Oil contributes to Global Warming, suppresses technological innovation, and now has destroyed life in the Gulf of Mexico. We need to be heard." said Combs.

Combs' example of activism is just one instance of an increasing trend of workaday people doing what they can to punish BP for its reckless negligence. From boycotting James Bond movies on cable television to maintaining proper dental hygiene, Americans everywhere are flexing their muscle. When asked his opinion of the phenomenon, Combs responded by calling BP CEO Tony Hayward a "wanker."


President Obama to Reduce Size of Federal Government
By
Philbert of Macadamia -- Contributing Author

Washington DC: Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs announced today that President Obama has decided to reduce the size of the Federal Government by eliminating some Executive Branch agencies.

During the presidentís visit to observe the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, it became obvious to the chief executive that the government has grown too large and that he needed to clean his own Executive Branch house. Departing agency executives will be compensated, but must leave all government property behind (cell phones, cars, office furnishings, PORN collections).

The immediately affected Washington DC federal agencies and associated field offices will be as follows:

EPA, Interior Department/MMS and FEMA for incompetence, mismanagement and not properly anticipating the looming disaster, hobbling the various southern state governorís from acting and then invoking needless regulations to hinder oil spill cleanup.

DOJ, USCIS (excluding the FBI and portions of ICE, respectively) and Homeland Security for not securing the US border with Mexico, causing the State of Arizona to pass their own laws about illegal immigration and also not reading the new Arizona law.

The FED, Treasury Department, FANNIE MAE and FREDDIE MAC for causing the conditions that led up to the Wall Street meltdown and by being asleep at the existing regulation/enforcement switch.

The US State Department for not implementing an effective foreign policy to deal with Iran and North Koreaís nuclear programs, Islamic terrorists and insulting our closest allies.

DOE for being incapable of getting rabid environmentalists to stop blocking the building of Solar electric generating facilities in California, two years following President Obamaís inauguration promises.

The functions of all these disbanded agencies will now be run out of the White House by President Obama, Michelle Obama, Chief of Staff Emanuel, Senior Advisor Axelrod, Press Secretary Gibbs and Vice President Biden. Former President George W Bush and Karl Rove will be hired as consultants.

President Obama is keeping the appropriated funding for the shuttered agencies intact. Additional Executive Branch agencies, such as the IRS, DOT, FAA, FDA and FCC are also being considered for elimination. A presidential decision will be made shortly whether the GPO is to be spared or money is to be printed in the basement of the White House.


Bogusshire News from BBV (Bonkers Broadcasting Venture)
By
Hanaa Elzahabe Elsayed -- Contributing Author

- Police are still searching for the man who escaped after killing himself - he is armed and dangerous, a policewoman said.

- Mr. Walter, the inventor of the "dry water", has died at his Bougusshire house , aged 32, following long suffering from severe dehydration, his doctor said.

- The supporters of Liverhole were greatly disappointed and couldn't believe their eyes when the striker of the team " Bernando Forres" failed to score on the instant replay of a goal.

- A man got infected with a dangerous mutated computer virus: his eyes kept blinking, speaking haltingly, losing and regaining consciousness, and his mouth kept opening and shutting. All his executable files got infected : feel.exe, see.exe, hear.exe, touch.exe, smell.exe, even makelove.exe. Doctors also found through an x-ray that his childhood.doc was infected. Doctors had no alternative but to format him. He had total amnesia after having been formatted. Fortunately, a CD of his diary was found and he was setup with it.

- A vacancy : The Tottering Buildings Construction Company has vacancies for civil engineers with at least 26 years of experience and maximum age of 25.

- A bus skidded off the road and hit a tree. There were 50 passengers in the bus, 20 died and 30 passed away. The police accused the driver of having no skill at driving a bus, but the driver defending himself said that the passengers had no skill at sitting in a bus.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
Hanaa Elzahabe Elsayed
Philbert of Macadamia

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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