July 2004 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 6 Issue 6
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 July 15th - 31st  July 1st - 14th  June 15th - 30th Editor: John Blackemire

Weapons of Mass Destruction Found
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

After months of fruitless searching, US weapons inspectors announced that they have found enormous quantities of the chemical used to make napalm, located in deep underground deposits in Iraq. This highly combustible black liquid is also used in car bombings and can be used to fuel tanks, military aircraft, and even aircraft carriers.

"Now there can be no doubt," said White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer. "This is what we were looking for, and we found it." Fleischer added that this was the same chemical that caused the airplanes to explode on September 11th, providing the strongest evidence to date of a link between Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda.

While the vast majority of this dangerous chemical remains underground in an unprocessed state, there is substantial evidence that Iraq has had the technology to extract it and was doing so for its own sinister purposes, including profiting from the sale of this lethal agent to other nations, including terrorist states such as Syria and France.

"What proof do we have that these are terrorist states?" rhetoricized Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "Well, if they weren't planning terrorism, why would they be interested in buying this weapon?"

Because of the volatility of this chemical and the environmental impact when it is burned, the US government has decided not to destroy it outright but instead to remove it from Iraq for conversion to peacetime functions and for use to fund the War on Terrorism.

"Let it never be said that this administration does not care about the environment," said President Bush. Attorney General John Ashcroft has reportedly taken the last statement as a direct order and is working on ways to make it into law.


Your Teacher’s a Terrorist
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

President George W. Bush’s Education Secretary Rod Paige called the National Education Association (NEA) a "Terrorist Organization". The head of the nations largest teachers union, Osama Bin Laden, speaking from his hideout in Pakistan where he is rumored to be surrounded by seventy five thousand American troops whose aim is to make Pakistan a more educationally responsible country, has condemned the statement, saying, " Allah be praised, I am issuing a Fatwah against this Bush infidel for comparing the NEA to organizations such as Al Qaida or Hamas. How dare they. The Hospital Workers Union, now there’s a terrorist organization. When those guys stick you with a needle it hurts so much you just gotta go Jihad."

Mr. Paige later apologized for the remark by saying that the NEA was using "obstructionist scare tactics", which is as close to a mea culpa as any Team Bush member has come to expressing regret over any stupid thing they’ve said.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, "The comment was inappropriate and the Secretary recognized it was inappropriate and quickly told the NEA to stick it where the sun don’t shine. That should end it."

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse said, " Look, it’s all part of the President’s new election year strategy... we’re going to see exactly how many people we can insult and alienate and still win the election. You see, we’re not worried about losing, the fix is in. We’ve got the money we need to inundate the airwaves, to buy the Supreme Court and there’s been talk of just buying off John Kerry too, just for fun. It’s gonna be a great year. Next week Condi Rice is going to call the nations police forces Nazi wannabes and Don Rumsfeld is planning on calling Tony Blair a pasty faced git."


Fiction Filmaker To Make Untold Millions in Celcius 411

Spurred by the success of the recent documentary film Fahrenheit 911, fiction filmmaker Michelle Less has announced plans to create a rebuttal film called Celcius 411.

"Why not give it a go?" Less said in a press release. "It's not like for every study that says on thing, there isn't another one out there that legitimitely refutes it."

"That and a bit of clever editing, you can make anyone look like an ass, though I admit with Bush as a subject, you don't have to look too hard.

When asked what her new film will focus on, Less had this to say:

"First, I am going to bomblast you with so many negative things about America that you'll be in despair. I'll tell you so many things you think you didn't know so you'll feel uneducated. This way, I set myself to be your salvation, the dispenser of information. By equipping yourself with my knowledge, you'll gamble that you'll feel better about yourself and be able to pretend that you're more informed and feel more confident in my--I mean, your thoughts. It's all about the psychology of it all. And the attention. I just love doing things that say look at me! I'm so smart! Who doesn't?"

When asked if she planned to adhere to the same attention to detail Moore did in his film, she responed, "Why bother? A person sees something in a film or documentary these days and they know it's the Gosphel. And once converted, they will preach. It's the best racket in town."


Block the Vote

Numerous groups have formed in recent years encouraging citizens to vote. Target audiences have included teenagers, women and even strong minority groups such as the albino goatherding landowners association have formed with the single purpose of getting more people to vote.

But almost as soon as one movement matures, the countermovement is born. Dubbed Block the Vote, this group is taking a new slant on voting, not voting at all.

"It isn't that we feel Americans aren't intelligent enough to vote," Gangsta rapper Dis Senter, said at a recent press conference. "It's just that the choices we Americans get these days are so bad, it's like choosing whether or not to pop a cap in your left foor or your right foot. Either choice seems to hobble America."

Controversy has surrounded this group from its inception with rumors that the group was involved in the sabatoge of voting machines in 2000 Presidential election, altering the machines so that the machines would not punch completely through, leaving chads on the ballot.

"We're trying to preserve the dignity of the American citizen. When you vote for one of these scuzzballs, you make yourself part of the process. You make yourself guilty if the wrong guy wins. Most of us don't need the added guilt, especially those of us of Catholic denomination."

Block the Vote's mission statement calls for all Americans of "decent and moral values" to do the right thing and not vote this November.


Bush and John Paul
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

President George W. Bush had a private meeting with Catholic Pope John Paul II in Rome where the President asked the Pope for help in his re election bid. President Bush, a born again Evangelical Christian who believes all Catholics will burn in Hell after the Rapture, reportedly complained to John Paul, "Not all American Bishops are with me" when it came to cultural issues such as labeling his Catholic opponent John Kerry as a Baby Killing, Queer Loving Tool of Satan. The Pope, Bush warned, should be aware of how the President regards those in the world who "Weren’t With Him" on any issue.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Aside from the fact that George Bush kind of threatened the Pope in the Vatican by saying he would be nothing more than a skirt wearing pansy if he didn’t support his re election, I’d say the interview went well. Bush also asked that the Pope anoint him as the Second Coming of The Savior, but the Pope said he’d rather wait till after the Florida votes were re counted."

Cardinal Whitcomb (Plenary Indulgence) Waterhouse, speaking for the Vatican on the condition that his words would carry the Privacy of the Confessional, said, "Normally we would’ve kicked the little Evangelical Heathens butt outta the Holy See in a Roman minute, but we in the Church have been looking for a way to get back into politics big time for centuries, ever since the Borgia’s really, and this guy (Bush) would owe us big time if we come down on his side. Fuck Tax Exempt Status, we’re looking for some Real Power in the U.S. and a President in our pocket is just the thing."


The Hollywood Crack Whore Diet: The Latest in Fad Diets

Move over Atkins, here comes the Hollywood Crack Whore Diet, the only diet proven to let you lose the pounds and keep them off.

"With this new diet fat people can go from big freak to heroin sheik in just one month," Sandra Bellbutt former PITA spokesmodel said in an interview.

"I tried it for only two days and I was hooked. The more I took, the less I ate and felt I needed to eat. At one point it didn't matter if I had access to food. I spent so much on crack, I couldn't afford it anymore."

"And the excerise regimen is wonderful," she added. "The things you'll do to get your supplements," she said with a wink. When asked to elaborate, she had this to say:

"It ain't called the crack whore diet for nothing."

When asked if Mary Kate Olsen was a diet particpant, Bellbutt laid the rumors to rest.

"I wouldn't sell to Mary Kate Olsen. Anyone who could naturally be that stinkin thin without supplementation deserves to be left out of something as wonderful as the Hollywood Crack Whore Diet. Anorexia! Everyone should be so damn lucky!"


Saddam Hussein Remains Defiant

Saddam Hussein remained defiant while in Coalition custody Thursday as Coalition chefs brought Saddam's nightly meal. Wearing gray pajamas underneath a pair of green lederhosen, Saddam pushed away his tray of food.

"I don't want a fucking Big Mac," Saddam allegedly told his guards. "It's just a plot by the pig capitalist Bush to get reelected in November. If I eat this Big Mac, I will be symbolically accepting the American way of life and democracy. It would be a moral coup for the Bush Administation, the same thing they did to Kuwait."

"Damn that Saddam is a wiley one," President Bush was overheard saying. "It's like the son of a bitch can read my mind. It's uncanny."

Bush sent in a group of military analysts to see if they could talk Saddam into a more cooperative mood, offering the former dictator a Chicken McNuggets Happy Meal as a peace offering.

Analysts were soon able to get Saddam to eat. Saddam felt that the Happy Meal, while not a propaganda tool, was not manly enough for a former Iraqi dictator. Military analysts were able to placate the former dicator by offering him an Adult Happy Meal, but only on the condition that the pedometer that comes with the meal was replaced with a standard Happy Meal toy.


Iraqi Killed

Newly installed Iraqi Deputy Foreign Minister Bassam Kubba was assassinated by unknown gunmen in Baghdad. This follows the car bomb killing on May 17th of Ezzedine Salim, then head of the Iraqi Governing Council and the May 27th attack on the convoy of another Council member, Salama al-Khafaji, which killed her eighteen-year-old son.

The Iraqi Interim Government has taken to picking its replacement members by choosing straws as very few clear thinking Iraqis seem to be interested in the job. In fact several Ministers have taken to offering their posts to anyone who wants them; a cab driver in Fallujah has recently become Minister of Culture when the man who held the post stuck a briefcase full of Ministry papers in his hands and the Minister of Finance actually cut a check to an Iraqi toddler to accept his position.

Brig. General Mark Kimmet, spokesman for the Occupation Forces said, in what can best be described as a mind boggling understatement, "We’re not satisfied that we’re making adequate progress." A new Iraqi opinion poll seems to agree with the General’s assessment; 67% describe their country "Gone to Hell in a Hand Basket" while 32% described it as "Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition". The remaining 1% had no opinion as they had already been killed by either Coalition Forces or some combination of resistance groups.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "The best thing I can say about Iraq is that I’m not there, but I tell you I’ve been thinking about re routing Paul Wolfowitz’s next flight to Boca Raton to Basra instead by mistake."


Senate Gives Bush Billions

The United States Senate has approved President George W. Bush’s request for an additional twenty five billion dollars to fund the war in Iraq. While President Bush had asked for the entire amount to be discretionary, meaning that he could piss it all away in any fashion he chose, the Senate, who has gradually been regaining their sanity since 9/11, has let him have fun with only two billion dollars preferring to oversee the spending of the rest. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Well, Halliburton’s a little ticked off; they were hoping for at least four billion which may now have to go to actually buy the troops stuff like bullets and body armor, but over all we did OK. It’s great to make a mistake and make someone else keep paying for it."

The Republican led Congress is preparing to be even more stringent, allowing the President only one billion to fool around with. Waterhouse, when told of the news responded, "You’ve gotta be kidding, one billion is nothing! What’s with those guys (the Congress) anyway? Don’t they know we have Iranian spies to fund. The Iraqi National Congress alone cost us over three and a half million a year. We needed those guys to spy on Iran for us." When told that the Iraqi National Congress was actually spying on us for Iran Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of more anonymity said, "Wait, that can’t be right. We were paying him to spy on us? That’s just stupid. Who thought that one up?"

In other Presidential news, George Bush has hired a private attorney, James Sharp, to advise him regarding the investigation into the Valerie Plame/CIA outing scandal. Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of lots and lots of anonymity said, "We want the American people to know that the President’s retention of legal consul in no way implies that he is a lying, cheating, traitorous prick, but you’d have to be crazy after what the Republicans did to Clinton to not keep a big legal gun handy, just in case this Plame thing comes back on him."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
John Plante
Mari Plante

Contributing Writers:
David Sklar

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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