July 2010 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 12 Issue 7
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 August 1st - 14th  July 1st - 14th  June 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Botched Response To Gulf Oil Spill Makes Man Wish Bush Were Still In Office
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Roanoke, VA: Gabriel Moss, 33, wishes George W Bush were still in office so he could spew forth with paroxysmal denunciations of the former president's corruption and incompetence, sources close to the committed liberal and vinyl record store proprietor reported. Moss, well known for his staccato, machine gun-like vituperation when speaking about any topic even tangentially related to the forty-third president, has been seen to prepare himself for rapid fire complaining, only to abruptly stop, on several occasions while watching news casts, speaking with friends and family, or driving pass a BP station.

Jeff Liken, Moss's partner in Moss and Liken's Vinyl Paradise, described Moss as being in a

nearly constant state of frustration and agitation. "During [hurricane] Katrina, Gabe was walking

on air. Everyday he had a thousand new examples of how Bush was just the worse president ever; calling him too stupid to fix anything then turning around and accusing him of really complicated plots. Now, it's like some great football player who has to sit on the sidelines during the Superbowl or something. I think he dies a little every time he has to pass up linking oilman Bush to an oil spill."

When asked by Farce Haven for a comment, Moss accused Bush of "chilling attempts to undermine freedom of the press" for 27 consecutive minutes before storming off.


The Crime of the Century : The Assassination of Google in China
By
Hanaa Elzahabe Elsayed -- Contributing Author

Google was killed in China yesterday in a cowardly drive-by shooting. No one has been arrested, but everyone knows that the Chinese government is behind this crime. Google was left in the middle of the street bleeding streams of sites and emails. When he was taken to hospital and given sites transfusion, it was too late - he died there. His body was flown home, America, to be buried there. A huge funeral procession was arranged : his life-time friends Microsoft, Yahoo, Facebook, and Twitter carried the coffin and millions of laptops followed.

No one can imagine the internet without Google, but we must feel happy for him - his soul has been uploaded to paradise where he lives a free life without restrictions, censorship or cyber-attacks.

Goodbye Google, we all will miss you!

***

The bad news and the good news in the aftermath of Google's death :

Bad news :

About 5,000 sites have committed suicide after suffering from severe depression because they couldn't be found after Google's death. They have left on-screen suicide notes.

The US has broken off diplomatic relations with China.

Good news:

All the computers connected to the internet have observed five-minute silence in honor of Google.

It has been discovered that Google was married to a Russian woman and had a daughter named "Googleova" and she intends to continue the work of her father.


Pizza Delivery Driver Can't Believe Stupidity Of Baron Von Running Bear
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Bucksport, ME: Tony Tucker, 23, seasoned pizza delivery driver for the town's only Pizza Hut

franchise, repeatedly expressed his tremendous bemusement at the almost incomprehensible stupidity of customer Baron Von Running Bear, a customer whose buffoonery he encountered during a recent shift.

"For a famous 'Austrian-Aztec-American Theoretical Proctologist' he sure is dumber than all

hell." Tucker chortled to his coworkers after returning from a 1 hour, 14 minute round trip in

which his 17 pineapple and extra oregano pies went undelivered. He then went on to do a slaying

impression of Dr. Von Running Bear trying to explain to his friends and colleagues that gathered

for the 426th annual meeting of the Maine chapter of the Association of Serious Scientists that

they would be without dinner because he accidentally gave the address for a gay nightclub instead of Stephen King's house, whose basement was the cite of the prestigious event.

Anonymous sources within the pizzeria claim that Tucker, more than a week since the event,

continues to utter the phrase "Me am dumb doctor, drink much fire water" in a German accent at

least once an hour.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
Hanaa Elzahabe Elsayed

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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