June 2010 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 12 Issue 6
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 July 1st - 14th  June 1st - 14th  May 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Scared Straight: Liberal Arts Majors Wins Palme d'Or
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Cannes, France: Citing the incredible evocative power of the spin off documentary, jurists awarded the most prestigious of cinematic honors to a heartrending film which shows incoming college freshmen being frightened onto the straight and narrow path to law schools or MBA programs by older versions of themselves that took a divergent path.

Filmed in the break room of a Barnes & Noble in Dayton, OH, Scared Straight documents the

traumatic disillusioning of callow history buffs and lit lovers by personae non gratae such as

"Collating Cathy," a 33 year old office aid with an MFA from the University of Iowa and a 1997 Geo Metro, who's tale of a nervous breakdown induced by leaving a copy of the first draft of a novel she had spent nine years writing on a Greyhound bus left participants in the program visible shaken, some jarringly sobbing while others simply went catatonic.

As of press time, the success rate of program has been nearly perfect, the lone exception being

Jacob Splergen, a 19 year old political science major at Duke University, who still fosters hope of becoming the next David Axelrod.


Mean Girls...Part Deaux!
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

Ah, "The Real Housewives of New York City," you gotta love em! Ramona, frazzled, spastic and, over the top; OK, she's one adjective away from "crazy town but, she is very expressive! She talks with her whole body! She's a "full body talker" and, quite the little dancer. Rumor has it, that "back in the day," she did choreography for Joe Cocker!

And then there's Kelly, what can I say about her that hasn't already been said by "The National

Enquirer?" I do know as a fact, that she chooses random words from the Dictionary and makes sentences out of them...a fete in itself! Oh, and Kelly has stated for the record that even though she loves fur and loves wearing fur, she would NEVER, I repeat, NEVER, abuse an animal! You can't make this stuff up people!

The other gals Jill, Bethenny and Louann are all busy reprising their roles for the upcoming "Mean Girls Part Deaux"...the pre menopausal years; coming to a theatre near you!


Teen Who's Stepdad Owns A Hummer: Congress Must Increase Gas Tax
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Princeton, NJ: Rubin Tonka, 17, who's douche of a stepdad drives his dandelion-yellow Hummer around like he was the Duke of Fucking Earl, today reiterated his vociferous demand that Congress pass a steep increase to the gas tax.

His now signature politico-environmental stance was articulated during an afternoon Forensics Club practice. Tonka received uniformly high marks from the student judges who commended him on his poise, clear enunciation, and repeated recapitulation of the premises of his argument, including the reduction of carbon emissions, an increase in tax revenue, catalyzing of the green economy, and the separation of Olympic-caliber pricks from their cash.

But Tonka, who'd turn Kurt's suburban tank into a heap of paper clips and rubber bands inside

of two heartbeats had he the ability, is not satisfied to simple talk the talk. His efforts to show

big-paunch, small-dick, self-important, cosmic-scale assholes that having the biggest vehicle in

the neighborhood makes him no less a big-paunch, small-dick, self-important, cosmic-scale asshole have taken practical form, including spearheading a petition drive in support of cap and trade legislation and hiding the Turtle Wax.


PEDA Expands Their Meat Product Lines
By
Philbert of Macadamia -- Contributing Author

Chicago IL: People Eating Delicious Animals (PEDA), a meat packing company, today announced the introduction of several new product lines. PEDA currently specializes in the manufacture of beef, lamb and turkey jerky. Another offered product is fried pork rinds.

PEDA management indicated the meat eating public has demanded more exotic forms of jerky. In response PEDA will now be offering kangaroo, zebra and wolf jerky. PEDA's nutritionists felt elephant, rhinoceros and hippopotamus jerky still needed more work to perfect their tastes.

Additionally, advances in technology such as miniature refrigeration units and microwave oven cooking will make PEDA's other new meat products available to a larger segment of the discerning meat craving public. PEDA's engineers have developed a vending machine to dispense chicken on a stick, lamb kabobs and steak cubes. These items will be quickly thawed and cooked to order, as specified by the customer.

The meat vending machines will be located at airports, Metro stations, on subway platforms and in bus shelters. PEDA's marketing experts are facilitating machine placement next to Martini dispensing machines, manufactured by an associated company.

PEDA stock jumped 40 points on the NYSE big board.


Local Creep Willing To Help Anytime If You Know What He Means
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Cedar Rapids, IA: Dale Coomer, 44, while holding open the door to the apartment building Dakota LaFarue was ingressing with an arm load of groceries, returned her expression of gratitude by offering to "help" anytime, "if you know what I mean." Coomer's unsettling declaration of beneficence marks just one instance in a long history of concupiscent altruism, a history which has seen Coomer promise attractive waitresses a "big tip," volunteer to teach breast self examination courses for the American Cancer Society, and organize carpools in his full size, mattress bedecked van.

In recognition of his lifetime of selfless, licentious service, Coomer will have the honor of being the first known person to receive both the President's Volunteer Service Award and a restraining order on the same day.


I Do!
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

Have you heard; Liz Taylor, Hilton, Wilding, Todd, Burton, Burton, Warner, Fortensky is taking the "Matrimonial Plunge;" yet again. Seems like Liz, a hopeless romantic and incurable optimist, has found Mr. Right, or in this case, Mr. Winters. Liz realized that two of her previous "last names" were "W's," so, she could dig out her old monogrammed gifts from previous weddings and again, put them to good use! "The towels and linens are in exceptionally good condition," Liz said.

Liz asked Debbie Reynolds and Connie Stevens to be in her wedding party but, the two turned her down. Seems, Liz had forgotten that she had stolen their respective husbands and destroyed their families.

No wedding date has been set. Liz is off trying to find the perfect wedding dress in a color not worn in her previous weddings.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
Joanne Schiffbauer
Philbert of Macadamia

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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