May 2010 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 12 Issue 5
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 June 1st - 14th  May 1st - 14th  April 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Man Compares Everything to Bacon
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

St. Paul, MN: Gregory Johansen, 47, has recently began to exhibit the amazing ability to find a

bacon related synonymy on the most unexpected of occasions, sources close to the bank manager and avid golfer have reported.

The streak of savory, crispy comparisons began after a high school speech meet in which his

daughter won the poetry division. He referred to her performance as "sizzling like thick apple wood bacon in an iron skillet." Johansen's wife Donna was not overly alarmed at first. "Yeah, I thought it was kind of weird when I heard it, but it kind of made sense. But he just kept going. 'Oh honey, the living room looks as good as a rasher of bacon on a cold day since you painted.' 'The Colt's defense is as brittle as an over fried piece of bacon.' When we went to my grandma's 100th birthday party and he said she 'lasted longer than a BLT at a vegetarian pitch in,' I knew he needed help."

Those close to the Johansen fear that this bender of monomaniacal simile making will reach

proportions similar to that of his epic 1997-99 streak of T.J. Hooker related metaphors that cost

him is job and caused a diplomatic brouhaha with Swaziland.


Guns to be Replaced by Flower Shooting Slingshots
By
Mark Garrison -- Contributing Author

Everyone claims that they think school age children shouldn't be shot to death. Most people feel that Scarface era automatic weapons with grenade launchers don't set a good example for school children. But not everyone agrees with new legislation that recently passed both the House and the Senate that will replace these items with flower shooting slingshots.

The new law which goes into effect immediately upon signature by the President, bans all semi and automatic weapons, knives (including butter type), and large throwable rocks.

Current law allows many adults, including psychopathic bi-polar schizophrenics, to purchase firearms so long as they sign a notice stating that their intended purchase does not involve murder.

While many Americans are outraged by the recent legislation, some are pleased by their long fought victory against Constitutional rights. Terry Youngman of Providence Rhode Island told us that, "People don't need guns. The only people that need guns are the military so they can protect us from anyone who isn't an American."

While flower shooting slingshots may not seem like a decent self defense weapon, many naturalists are already talking about the different types of poisonous flowers that could be used as ammunition. For instance, some are warning that hard core gun enthusiasts could buy up large quantities of Yellow Oleanders which can cause slight eye irritation, or in a worst case scenario, stomach cramps if aimed directly at the person's mouth right when they happen to be swallowing something.

One of the many groups not particularly pleased by this bill is the NRA. Upon hearing the news that the bill had passed, former NRA president Charlton Heston reportedly rose from the dead, burned his flower garden, and threw a grenade at his neighbor's house. Fortunately a rare condition known as ‘Zombie Alzheimer's' ensured that the grenade was just a bottle of mayonnaise.

Other opponents of the ban claim that it will hurt attendance at school and sporting events. They argue that many people enjoy the excitement of possibly being gunned down and a ban on firearms takes away the dare devil element of attending public gatherings.

Sen. Barbara Roe, the bill's sponsor, said, "This piece of legislation will pave the way to a safer America." When asked about the idea that criminals will no doubt ignore the ban, thus leaving law abiding citizens the only ones without firearms, she hopped on her unicorn, played a quick tune on her mini-flute, flipped her hair in the wind, and rode away to the land of gum drops and chocolate springs.

According to a recent study by Texas A&M University, more than 100% of murder victims who were shot died from bullet wounds. It's this realization coupled with a seemingly never ending overall fear of our fellow man that appears to have pushed the gun control debate to center stage for the last time.


Birkenstock Earth Mother Of The Year
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

This year's finalists for the "Birkenstock Earth Mother Of The Year" are, Mia Farrow and Angelina

Jolie. Madonna and The Octomom nominated themselves but, were rejected by the judges.

Mia, mother of 13 (or is it 14?) children is the sentimental favorite. Her latest heroic attempt to

draw the world's attention to the needs of the people around the world, ended prematurely. Her

"fasting," though well intentioned, didn't go well, since her starting weight was 89 pounds. But, "kudos" to you Mia!

Angelina Jolie has shown such generosity of spirit; circumventing the globe with "partner" Brad

Pitt, always a respectful 10 paces behind her. Brad is the current record holder for being able

to carry 8 kids PLUS a back pack! Pretty impressive stuff Brad!

The criteria for the award ; one must have a minimum of 7 children; preferably, one from each

continent. One must be followed by the "paparazzi" everyday of their life and of course, own and wear "Birkenstocks" in at least one photo-op a month.

The final judging will take place in "Martha's Vineyard" this summer. In the meantime, anyone

wanting to cast a ballot for their favorite can go to www.ihavenothingbettertodo.com


E Coli
By
Sean Michael Lee -- Contributing Author

Danville, VA - Bad news for anyone hoping to pick up E. Coli this weekend. Nestle found traces of the deadly bacteria in its Toll House cookie dough. And they've halted production. Experts say that not only will the swift action prevent Americans from contracting E. coli, it also strikes a crushing blow to terrorists who had been plotting to cause widespread cramps, vomiting and diarrhea.


Woman Finally Understands Tea Bag Jokes
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Spartanburg, SC: Ginny Connors, 54, was reportedly horrified and reconfirmed in her nebulous and intuited conservative beliefs after learning the sexual proclivity behind the innumerable tea bag jokes circulating around the Tea Party movement. After being perplexed by the puns she heard made on cable news channels, in print media, on political blogs, and by her twin teenage sons, Connors took to the Google search engine on a quest for elucidation which ultimately led to revulsion.

Since the initial shock she has redoubled her efforts to help the new political movement by

participating in rallies, joining multiple Facebook groups, and activating filter software on all

the computers in her home.

Thomas Upington, a fellow at the Center for the Study of the Chronically Lame, when interviewed for this story, said Mrs. Connors experience is far from unique. "A surprisingly large segment of our society is out of touch with the ever expanding sexual argot that is our common heritage. But certain phrases reach a level of ubiquity, refereed to as a "tits out" phrases in the field, that cause them to supernova so that even the very lamest among us gains a knowledge of them. "Tea bag" is a supreme example of that." Upington predicts that Connors and others like her will soon be compelled to learn the meaning behind the term "golden shower."


A Match Made In Heaven
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

Next year the producers of the "Academy Awards" could save an enormous amount of time, money and middle men (ABC) by broadcasting the awards show directly from "QVC." What better place for 3 hours of "self promoting" than "QVC;" a 24/7 sales extravaganza! The show its self begs the

question; "Who are you wearing?" It's like the best "theme" ever! And, are you sitting down? Joan

Rivers has a line on "QVC;" I know! I know! She can host! Not only host but, critique the nominee's

gowns at the same time! I'm a genius! It even gets better; Wolfgang Puck is on there too; hawking

his cookware. So, he can do the catering! Somebody stop me!

So, to sum it all up, we've got movies, actors, directors, producers, gowns and jewelry to sell! Hollywood and "QVC"...a match made in Heaven!


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
Joanne Schiffbauer
Mark Garrison
Sean Michael Lee

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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