April 2010 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 12 Issue 4
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 May 1st - 14th  April 1st - 14th  March 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Geico To Begin Selling Health Insurance
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

In the wake of historic health care legislation, Geico, the automobile insurer who's omnipresent advertisements have become part of the cultural white noise, has released a press statement announcing their move into the health insurance market.

Ketra Dawson-Riviera-Bismark-Abramowicz, Geico's vice-president for public relations, in an interview with Farce Haven, explained the insurance giant's rationale as follows: People may scratch their heads, wondering why a car insurance company would want to sell health insurance. They're totally different, right? Well, Congress has made them much more similar, thank goodness.

Geico has long been a leader in providing insurance products for people who are required by statute to purchase them. Use to be that was only for machines, but now that includes our bodies. It's a natural move for us, and I think our customers will find the care we use to insure a Lexus or Geo Metro will still be there when they are compelled to insure their physical persons.

Since the announcement Madison Avenue has been abuzz as to what inevitably ubiquitous and catchy ad campaign the marketing innovators will use to push their new product. While plans are said to be tenative, sources close to the project inform us that Geico will soon unveil a new character, named Cutty, who will be the public face of the new venture. A brain surgeon frog with a German accent, Cutty is expected to be rolled out by midsummer, plastering his tag line "Don't pay a fine. Buy our insurance and you will feel fine." over every square inch of media in the Western hemisphere.


Sinners Rejoice-You Can Once More Buy An Indulgence!
By
Tom O'Donnell -- Contributing Author

Wayne Brew walked alone to the church that day. He had sinned and regretted it but needed forgiveness that could only come from the sanctity of a spiritual realm and that place was Holy Flower Heaven Catholic Church. He had heard about the past practice of buying an indulgence that was found centuries ago in the Catholic Church but was surprised when Father Eddie Harkins reintroduced it to his flock at Holy Flower Heaven Catholic Church.

"It goes like this," said Father Eddie Harkins to his laity at a recent mass. "Say, you did something you greatly regret and want a celestial do-over. Our parish has been granted on a trial basis the opportunity to sell indulgences to our parishioners. The Vatican has picked our church to test run the idea of reintroducing selling indulgences to see what the profits are and how responsive the flock is to this idea. Also, we want to assess the negative feedback as well."

"I always wanted to know the thrill of cheating at bingo and now I can do just that and quickly have my 'soul slate' wiped clean," said 80 year old Ethel Sliker.

"I want to do and try so many little sins with my limited remaining time left and these indulgences are just the right thing. They are wonderful," Ethel's sister Eileen added.

Ethel's bingo partner Mildred Brennan said, "There's no downside to the indulgences. Say you give in to a small whim. I have been yearning for that cute old gentleman over there who has been winking at me all night. I heard he bought an indulgence to be forgiven for being a naughty boy, well, I just may allow him to court me if you know what I mean," Mildred added, "After all, if that wicked old man over there bought an indulgence and I too bought an indulgence to cover the exact same night time sinful adventure then our slate is wiped clean off all sins. You can't beat this deal Holy Flower Heaven Church is offering about buying an indulgence. No sinful fuss and no sorrowful muss."

Father William T. Brennan, also stationed at Holy Flower Heaven Catholic Church, said, "It's a double win for our church coffers as well as the flock of our parish. Look, we all slip up some time and what a better way to get out of the matter than to purchase an indulgence. You have that regrettable affair and feel badly about until you remember to come to our rectory and buy the indulgence to cover that particular sin. Once the purchase is made then it is like the sin never happened."

"It truly is a beautiful service we are offering at Holy Flower Heaven," said Father Eddie Harkins.

Father William T. Brennan then announced a sale on indulgences that Holy Flower Heaven was offering where you could buy an indulgence for telling a lie at the low cost of $50. This sale is in effect for two weeks.


The Latest Proposal Against Tobacco In The U.S
By
Raul Gallardo -- Contributing Author

The California Parent Teacher Association or PTA will begin a national campaign demanding The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to ban or erase scenes from movies with an elevated smoke content.

"Banning smoking in closed spaces is not enough when children and teenagers receive a negative influence from old black and white movies." said Sheila Parker to the Charlatan Journal.

The California PTA sent a free-of-smoke version of Casablanca to the Academy to prove how the essence of the movie is not lost. The PTA conducted a study showing the smokeless version and the original at different schools, noticing a better control and order from the smokeless group.

Somewhere on the universe Humphrey Bogart must be asking for another ashtray.


She's Back!
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

Just when you think, you've seen the last of "America's Favorite Mom," here comes Kate (Miss bossy Pants) Gosselin on "Dancing with the Stars." We all know that Kate has a reputation for being a little controlling; a "my way or the highway" kind of gal but, honestly, Kate has changed. She's a "softer" version of her old self. Gone is the demanding perfectionist. The new and improved Kate has made just a few teensy weensy requests of the shows producers:

1. She wants to select her dance partner.

2. She wants to select the dance.

3. She wants to select the music.

4. She wants to select the wardrobe.

5. She wants to select the judges

And,finally

6. She wants to "Lead!"

See, I told; hardly recognizable from the old Kate! "SHALL WE DANCE?"


Pathetic Malcontent Feels Sorry For Everyone
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

New York: James Cotten, a 36 year old aspiring performance artist and self described "natural born radical", who is currently supplementing his income by working part-time as an office manager, posses the incredible ability to pity those with happier, more fulfilling lives than himself, according to sources who spoke to the Farce Haven on the condition of anonymity.

Cotten's most recent display of his amazing skill was a tirade against his younger sister, Joann Thomas. After viewing pictures of his new born nephew on his sister's Facebook page, he is reported to have said "she's a reproducing automaton, who's blindly filling the gender roles sold to her by Disney. I cry for her." He is then said to have proceeded to have written her, declining her offer of a plane ticket to their hometown of Milwaukee to see the child. He closed his letter with a lengthy harangue on the environmental impact of disposable diapers. Sources report his sister is still unaware of his excoriation, as Cotten has yet to venture the three blocks to the nearest post office in order to send the parcel.

Sources report his power is quite dexterous, with his scathings directed not only at family, but at the public in general. Within the last month, he has expressed his singular confluence of hatred and empathy towards a group training for a marathon, accusing them of "running away from the truth about their shallow lives", a coworker who took a leave of absence to work with his church in earthquake ravaged Haiti, whom he called "a peddler of the opium of the masses", and a neighbor who trains seeing eye dogs, whom he indicted as "enslaving our canine brethren." In all these instances he expressed a desire to help those less edified than himself, but wrote off the effort as futile.

Cotten declined our request for comment, accusing your correspondent of being "not a watchdog

for the public, but a lapdog."


Justice Thomas AWOL for State of Union
By
Don Monkerud -- Contributing Author

In a rare admission by a Supreme Court Justice, Clarence Thomas admitted yesterday that he never attends State of the Union addresses. He was absent for President Obama's speech to Congress and the nation on January 27.

"Presidents mostly say things that I don't agree with or can't understand, so what's the point?" Thomas said. "I hope they don't think they are going to teach me anything. Besides, I need my shut-eye and these speeches drone on for over half-an-hour."

Speaking at the Shooting Range for the Six-Gun Law School in Lawless, Florida, Thomas said he carefully read the Constitution once long ago and found no requirements that a Supreme Court justice do good or attend meetings.

"When Reagan appointed me, or was it President Bush? Anyway, he agreed that I would never have to do anything," Thomas said. "I do get to make up my own reasons for decisions and do it all with the help of those, what do you call them, associaters? No, judicial assistants."

Critics have long questioned Thomas's attentiveness during Court hearings when they found him snoring, drooling and with his eyes closed. Off camera he explained, "I was only resting my eyes."

Thomas's law school address carefully not planned to interfere with his daily nap schedule-10 to 2, 1 to 3 and 4 to 5-included members of local Baptist churches who are seeking quickie law degrees to accompany child-kidnapping trips to Haiti. Despite his skin color, which some Baptists disagree with, many fundamentalists find him a role model.

"Anyone who hates human rights, the environment, and illegal aliens, and loves guns and God is okay in my book," said Doggie Code, leader of The Family, a secret society that sponsors the National Prayer Breakfast. "He's got power and that's what we love. He marches to his own drummer."

In his speech, Thomas urged fundamentalists to amass more money if they want to control the political process. Money is what made America great and in America "money talks," hence his agreement with the Court's decision that corporations have the right to buy and control the political process in "our new democracy."

"I'm a Divine Righter myself but rules are rules when it comes to the Constitution," said Thomas. "My guiding philosophy is, 'Don't Know-Don't Tell," but I also believe "Money Rules."


Family Feuds: The Best New Show in Town
By
Raul Gallardo -- Contributing Author

It is the hippest, trendiest show at the exclusive restaurants, just hire some actors to stage a fight in the middle of dinner, menu includes different conflicts amongst a level of scandal desired.

Mr. H complained every year about the lack of customers at his New Year Dinning Show, the actual crisis forced him to search for something new and cheap. While at the theater on a Pinter play he noticed most of the people were his customers, he connected the dots into a deeper need to enjoy the tragedies of others.

Last year he hired a group of actors, sat them at one of the best tables in his restaurant and began to look at the results. It was the first time ninety five percent of the tables remained occupied until the closing time.

"People where curious, shocked and intrigued to learn the outcome of this family feud."

No other argument or uncomfortable scene aroused through the night.

"I don't know if customers behaved because of the fight which worked as a shallow reflection into their own lives or just for the show, but none of my customers had an angry face."

Other actors are currently offering their staged fights while trying to book the original family feud could take a six month delay. After his success other restaurants have copied Mr. H model, but his customers keep on returning to catch the new show.

Not even Andy Kaufman could have staged it so boldly.


Heidi's Back!
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

Remember Heidi Fleiss, the "Hollywood Madam?" She caused quite a stir in the 90's; off the radar for some time now, but SHE'S BACK!

Heidi does look different...she's heavier...taller... younger... and has a heavy New York accent. She's even changed her name from Heidi to Patti, but she didn't fool me for a second, I knew it was my Heidi.

Heidi (Patti) has a new cable TV show; "The Millionaire's Club," where she introduces wealthy male clients to available single women. (Just like the old days!)

Her staff works really hard to satisfy the fantasies of her "Johns."...I mean clients! Whether it be finding

blonds, brunettes, redheads, funny girls or intellectuals, Heidi...I mean Patti aims to please. It's not unheard of for her staff to run out on the streets of Hollywood to find these young women. Sometimes, it's just as simple as someone just walking down the street...( a "street walker.") Then, the young women are

whisked back to Heidi's (I mean Patti's office) and gleefully vie for the "Johns"...I mean client's attention.

I'm not certain of the success rate. Everyone seems to have a good time and then there's the all

important "on camera time," and that always desirable "15 minutes of fame."

So, guys if you find yourself in the Hollywood area and want to be "hooked up," Heidi,...I mean Patti

is the girl for the job.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
Don Monkerud
Joanne Schiffbauer
Raul Gallardo
Tom O'Donnell

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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