March 2010 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 12 Issue 3
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 April 1st - 14th  March 1st - 14th  February 1st - 28th Editor: John Blackemire

Michael Phelps Wins Inaugural Snow Swimming Event
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Vancouver, BC: Famed Olympian Michael Phelps won the first ever 100 meter snow swimming event, a sport added by the IOC for the express purpose of reducing the public's Phelps-related waiting time in half. On a blustery day at the world's first and only outdoor, subfreezing natatorium, Phelps swam 100 meters in a ten foot snow bank in a blazing 59.08 seconds. The silver medalist, Jonas Andersson of Sweden, swam 9.7 centimeters before stopping. He later lost 3 toes due to frost bite.

The sporting world is now anxiously awaiting Jamaican Usain Bolt's debut in yet another ad hoc

winter sport, the 100 meter snowshoe sprint.


Mariachi Band: The Next Development from Rockband
By
Raul Gallardo -- Contributing Author

A powerful group of Mexican philanthropists cancelled their monetary support to the creators of the popular videogame Rockband when the ambitious project to promote classical music and jazz failed miserably.

The creators believe this was not a total failure since they truly believed in the challenge to promote amongst teens and tweens the songs of Coleman Hawkins and Franz Schubert.

They estimate a better outcome for their next projects: Mariachi Band or Norteņo, which are targeted to the Latino market. At least five tequila companies have began the dispute to become the official sponsor.

Rockband creators have had meetings with Vicente Fernandez and Paquita la Del Barrio to include them as the voice challenge.


CIA Defends "Finger Removal" As Next Step in Enhanced Interrogation
By
Saul S Smith -- Contributing Author

Arlington-VA. Edith Homewell, spokesperson for Leon Pinetta and the CIA convened a stormy news conference today over allegations that the clandestine spy agency is chopping off the fingers and possibly other digits of suspected Al Qaeda cadre in order to obtain vital intelligence. It was necessary for her to pound on the podium with an empty bottle of Poland Springs to restore some sort of order. "This is a natural and enlightened evolution," she began, "in our well thought out strategies for enhanced interrogation techniques. Please, rest assured that the removed fingers are always sewn back on in a matter of hours, and the pain, while somewhat intense, is very, very brief. And I can tell you now that in the early stages of its imposition as a technique that we have learned of dozens of new plots against us and our allies around the world." Ms. Homewell was shouted down with cries of "barbarians", "insanity", but once again she was able to restore a semblance of order. "Please, allow me to continue, and you may draw your own conclusions. Beside the revelations on the new plots against us, we have also discovered, through these enhanced techniques, the burial place of Amelia Earhart, the precise location of the five torpedo planes that disappeared off the coast of Florida in 1945, the whereabouts of the remains of Jimmy Hoffa, and the secret of life."


Fourth Spanish Teacher Immolates Self To Raise Awareness of Irregular Verbs
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Amarillo, TX: Johnathan "Juan" Spencer, a 42 year old high school Spanish teacher, became the

fourth person in recent weeks to set fire to his person in order to raise awareness of what he sees

as an unconscionable lack of preparation on the part of most Americans to conjugate even the most common of irregular Spanish verbs. The stunning self sacrifice, made on a luminous day in front of a Mexican restaurant with a sign proclaiming "Tenamos la mejor comida de la ciudad", has been a drastic shock to this close knit community.

In an Internet manifesto entitled "Ser O No Ser", Spencer listed a number of verb-related

grievances which have become all too familiar to a nation besieged by such stark reminders of our grammatical sins. "Every night millions of heads hit millions of pillows, blissfully, fatuously

unaware that verbs refuse to be shoe horned into their neat and tidy categories. Well, I say no

more. If I accomplished nothing with my life, hopefully with my death I will jar a few from their

baneful slumber."

Authorities have called for calm on the part of the nation's teachers of Spanish; promising

concrete action to remedy the problem after the much anticipated report of the blue ribbon

committee appointed by president Obama to look into the issue is delivered next week.


Roman Catholic Church Announces Extra Crispy & Flavored Communion Wafers
By
Tom O'Donnell -- Contributing Author

Bowing to the pressure offered by the Episcopalian Church the Roman Catholic Church has agreed to offer all communicants a choice of communion wafers including the new flavored wafer and the extra crispy wafer too. In fact, communicants can have a flavored extra crispy communion wafer if they so choose.

"Look," said Father Ryan O'Duffy of the Good Holier Than Thou Parish, "we got stiff competition from those Episcopalians in our diocese and, in fact, across the United States with their new 'communion to go' wafers where the driver can pull up and get a quick communion before heading about their day. We were forced to do something and quick as everyone and their brother was dashing to the local Episcopalian Church for a 'communion to go' wafer."

"Necessity is the mother of invention," said Cardinal Rudolph Vallee. "The Good Holier Than Thou Parish was losing members at a rate of 10 per month to the nearby Episcopalian Church and the drop in numbers dictated immediate intervention. I petitioned the Holy See at the Vatican to intervene with some suggestions I made and he approved the idea for flavored and extra crispy communion wafers. This should stem the tide of losing members in our church flock."

The reaction amongst the laity is positive beyond belief. "I can't get enough of those blueberry communion wafers," said Jimmy Noble of the Good Holier Than Thou Parish. "I understand that we can only have one communion per mass but this tasty wafer has me desiring to stay on the straight and narrow so that I could keep being in good stead to receive communion. I now have a motivation to be a good person and it is a tasty one."

Reacting to the criticism that offering extra crispy and flavored wafers was bringing a "things of this world" approach to religion Father Ryan O'Duffy said, "Nonsense. This is a new feature and something to help us keep up with the times. We are not bowing to any movement that suggests secularizing our religion. By the way, next week we will offer a grape flavored wafer."

The new strategy announced by Father O'Duffy and Cardinal Rudolph Vallee is working as attendance at the masses offered by the Good Holier Than Thou Parish is skyrocketing. The Episcopalians are about to announce a new strategy to keep up with the Catholic challenge but time will tell if that will work.


Bacon Banned in the USA, Chicago Gangsters Reemerge
By
Philbert of Macadamia -- Contributing Author

The 28th Amendment to the US Constitution banned the sale, transportation and manufacture of Bacon in the USA. Millions of Americans did not appreciate this law, which ultimately caused "Bring home the Bacon" to take on a whole new meaning.

The out of power political party speculated that the president and congress of the party in power were influenced by campaign contributions from a consortium of middle-eastern Arab countries, led by Saudi Arabia.

Then came the great "Swine Flew," where hogs from the states of Iowa, North Carolina Minnesota, Illinois, Indiana, Missouri, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma and Ohio were airlifted by the US Air Force to Mexico and Canada. Animal rights organizations lobbied congress and the president for this compassionate act. The out of power party again charged undo influence because of campaign contributions.

Additionally, Turkey Bacon just didn't go over well with the American public, as they wanted the real McCoy! Only Secaucus New Jersey was legally allowed to raise hogs for medicinal purposes, Crime Scene Investigations (CSI) and US Pacific Islanders consumption.

A flourishing cross border cottage industry of sowbelly smuggling replaced Marijuana as the controlled substance of choice. Both Canada and Mexico had pork slab and fat back runners (illegals) who smuggled the raw meat into the US to be cured in bathtubs. Real Gammon Back Bacon and Pancetta were smuggled in from the UK and Italy, respectively, via Diesel Submarines (pig boats).

A huge black market for Bacon, now an illegal commodity sprung up. It was the gangster organizations that finally dominated the Bacon trade in the various US cities. While each major city had its gangster element, the most famous was the Chicago mob led by Al Porcine and his moll Miss Piggy.

The Porcine Empire was headquartered in a run down warehouse at the deserted Chicago stock yards, where the grunters had their hands in all the mob's smelly businesses. Al was often heard saying "Good Lard" when something went wrong, like finding a squealer in his organization!

Within a few years Al Porcine was earning billions of dollars a year from illicit Bacon sales. Porcine bribed the police and important politicians of Chicago, who all ate slops from his trough. Big Al spent millions of dollars of his huge fortune on such endeavors, but considered it a prudent cost of doing business. The Porcine mob's muscle was also employed to keep the politicians stymied.

Violence was a daily occurrence on the streets of Chicago, as rival gangsters were killed in shoot outs and bombings, which also killed many innocent civilians. Members of the Boar's gang were shot dead by Porcine mob gangsters, who were dressed as women, in what became known as the St Antony (Patron Saint of pigs) massacre.

Al Porcine became "Public Enemy Number One" and Washington DC dispatched "Elliot Rasher and his Pig Outs" to smoke out big Al and his gang, but to no avail. However, the pork belly trade finally caught up with Al Porcine. He was hospitalized for the rest of his life with Trichinosis, acquired from his long association with sowbellies.

A new presidential administration and congress in Washington DC repealed the 28th amendment


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
Philbert of Macadamia
Raul Gallardo
Saul S Smith
Tom O'Donnell

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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