February 2010 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 12 Issue 2
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 March 1st - 14th  February 1st - 28th  January 1st - 31st Editor: John Blackemire

Sen. Collins Still Sore from State of the Union
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Washington DC:

During a hastily called press conference held on the stairs of the Capital building,

United States Senator Susan Collins (R - ME), reported she was still terribly sore from the rising and clapping she did during Pres. Obama's first State of the Union address, some five days after the event. Calling this turn of events "a grave crisis, not only for my constituents in Maine, but for all Americans. Indeed, even for American democracy itself," Sen. Collins, visibly uncomfortable and smelling strongly of Bengay, reported having "ham and glute pain that could floor a Buddhist monk."

The Senator recommends bold Congressional action to address the catastrophe, including a provision in the Senate version of the health care bill which would end private insurers "mercenary and flatly immoral" practice of denying coverage for masseuse visits.

In a related story, Sen. Roland Burris (D - IL), is still recuperating in a DC area hospital

from exhaustion and severe dehydration.


Australian Biologists Find Dingo Urine Kills Kangaroos
By
Saul S Smith -- Contributing Author

Sidney (Reuters)--Scientists at the University of Canberra in a double blind experiment have found that dingo urine, when fired out of the barrel of an Hispano 20mm cannon can kill Kangaroos almost instantly. Two teams of biologists and technicians from the Australian military performed the complex experiment over a 10 month period. One team used 20mm ammo loaded with the dingo urine and the other team was given the placebo which simply contained water loaded into the 20mm shells. Time after time when the cannon was fired, either at point blank range or up to distances of 800 yards the kangaroo was killed each time. In the effectiveness of the kill rate there was no difference between the actually dingo urine and the placebo. Spokesperson for the two teams and the University of Canberra, Gwyneth Esterhousie, said that they were not certain of the implications of the experiment. "Water," Esterhousie told the assembled team of journalists from Reuters and UPI, "is normally not known to be lethal to Roos, or for that matter to anything else, but for drowning of course." She went on to say that water itself is less well known than many people suspect. Esterhousie said that the government had agreed to give the university a grant of $27 million to study the problem over the next five years in the hopes that scientists might come to some conclusions on the difference between water and dingo wiz.


Taylor Swift Cancels Concert Tour Due to Existentialist Anxiety
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Nashville, TN: Teen country sensation Taylor Swift released a statement through her publicist today, stating that her upcoming concert tour will be indefinitely postponed as the lyricist behind such stirring ballads as You Belong With Me and Tear Drops On My Guitar struggles "with a cold, black, uncaring cosmos which inspires not fear or dread, but worst of all, apathy."

Sources close to the diva - a beautiful yet down to earth young woman with golden locks and the aura of a prom date - was sent into a tail spin of fear and trembling after an innocuous exercise in keeping her skills in the more technical areas of the French language sharp, by reading John Paul Sartre's Nausea in the original, awoken her to the utter meaninglessness of life. Friends describe the coquettish starlet as "dead-eyed and distant, quoting Camus and Nietzsche, then crying and laughing simultaneously, all the while mumbling 'it all means nothing.'"

Music insiders are anxiously awaiting her latest release, which they hope will be a window into a mind torn asunder from any moorings it may have once had to happiness and normality. It is tentatively titled "It's lovely to love your loving."


Housewife Wishes She Could Pee Standing Up
By
David Tulis -- Contributing Author

STILLBROOK, Conn. -- A sadness creeps onto the face of Laura Lee, wife and mother of four, as we stroll through the woods behind her rural Connecticut home. She stops often to point out trees and underbrush, places that would be perfect to pee behind. Her plight is like that of every woman--when nature calls, she must rush back to civilization in order to answer.

Mrs. Lee's fascination with peeing while standing began at an early age. She speaks in length about her family vacations to the Hamptons where she was first introduced to the Atlantic Ocean, as well as the unequaled pleasure of upright urination.

"I have a great fondness for those vacations to the beach when I was a child," Lee says. "My family would spend our days buried in the sand with my father's partner and his family. He had a boy my age," at this point Lee looks off and smiles, "his name was Kenneth, and we had some fun times. It was Kenneth who first introduced me to outside defecation." I interrupt Lee to ask her to clarify the use of defecation, but she pays no attention and continues, "I remember we were running on the beach, pretending to chase after imaginary sea monsters just off shore, when I found myself in need of a restroom immediately. I tried to hide this from Kenneth but he teased it out of me, luckily enough while we were waist deep in the cool water." Lee goes on to describe in vivid detail the warmth she felt, the pure, untainted bliss that could not be achieved on top of a toilet seat. Following this event she experimented whenever she could, the majority while attending college, but was never able to get the process quite right. When I suggest popping a squat Mrs. Lee falls silent in deep thought, finally responding, "No, it's just not the same."

As a man, I will never come to understand Mrs. Lee's endless frustration. I love peeing outdoors, but would I feel the same having experienced a warm and sticky stream of urine dripping down my leg (an occurrence she says is "simply unavoidable")? My guess is that I would feel very different and this new perspective leads me to the conclusion that men have it easy.

But this tough mother of four can tell you she is not going to take this sitting down. It is now Mrs. Lee who takes her children to the beach every summer and has just recently taught her youngest, a girl, the joy of peeing while standing. "She cried the first time because she was uncomfortable with the sand and current, but now she loves it." Ah, the circle of life prevails.

Finally it is time for the two of us to end our outing and as if on cue, Mrs. Lee asks if we can increase our pace because the "Tinkle Bell" is ringing. But alas, our rush proves futile as Mrs. Lee arrives home with her white capri pants soaked, yellowish, and smelling of pee pee. I recommend that next time she bring water on her walk so she won't be so clearly dehydrated, but she shrugs it off and claims, "I had to do a wash anyways." But something tells me she is lying.


Robertson On Recent Dementia Diagnosis: My Brain Made A Pact With The Devil
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Televangelism mainstay Pat Robertson delivered another of his revelatory insights on today's episode of The 700 Club when he blamed his recent diagnosis of geriatric dementia on a pact his brain cells made with the Devil in the mid 70s. "I'm here to tell you viewers, that you reap what you sow. In 1974 my brain got to sinning and think unnatural thoughts of a homosexual nature. When you go against the natural biology of man and woman, there's nothing else to call it but a deal with the Devil, and that is precisely why I'm in the shape I am now."

A vocal outcry has followed the controversial remarks, with GLAD planning a protest rally in defense of Robertson's brain. Meanwhile, those on the right are crying that there is a double standard at play in this story, considering the relatively mild lamentations about Michael Moore's recent statement that the Little Debbie snack cake company is a tool of capitalist pigs, producing an array of cake-like products he is powerless to resist.

Robertson tried to assuage his clearly startled studio audience by asking if anyone was making tapioca pudding.


Oslo to Award Coveted Peace Prize to Bin Ladin
By
Saul S Smith -- Contributing Author

The Bergen Sentinel

Oslo--Bjorn Esker of the Nobel Committee announced to waiting journalists today that they would be awarding the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize to Saudi militant Osama Bin Ladin. "We are in a new world now," said Mr. Esker, "a Brave New World, if you will. I know you all know the old saying that today's terrorist is tomorrow's statesman. Well, we have decided to get ahead of the curve on this one and award Mr. Bin Ladin the Peace Prize as in all likelihood he will draw people together rather than pull them apart. Eventually he, or someone who replaces him, will sit down at a long conference table to hammer out a world wide peace accord that we can all live with." Esker revealed that the former "toast of the Taliban" would not make it to the awards ceremony; however he and the committee have announced that the American entertainer, Brittany Spears had agreed to accept the Nobel Prize in his place. Ms. Spears was quoted as saying that she was "honored" and would jump at the chance "to give something back" to all her supporters. Esker further announced that Ms. Spears would be performing a new number from her latest album at the ceremonies in Oslo.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
David Tulis
Saul S Smith

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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