November 2009 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 11 Issue 11
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 January 1st - 31st  November 1st - 14th  October 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Nobel Committee Awards Literature Prize to College Junior
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Stockholm: The Swedish Academy has continued its tradition of making unpredictable selections for the most prestigious prize in the world of literature by selecting college junior Barry Oscars of the University of Hawaii at Manoa. The relatively unknown and entirely unpublished wordsmith did create a minor buzz for himself when he became chief editor on the student run Hawai'i Review. He is also well regarded among the students and staff of the creative writing program.

When asked to comment upon receiving the honor he was quoted as saying "surprised and deeply humbled."


British Court Orders Stephen Hawking's Plug Pulled
By
Saul S Smith -- Contributing Author

Bristol--Charlotte Heiffernan, the former wife of astrophysicist Stephen Hawking won her four year legal battle to have her ex-husband's plug pulled. Hawking will die if the cardio-stimulator he has long been attached to is shutdown or removed. Ms. Heiffernan claims that Hawking has been brain dead since October of 1997. "He simply has a plethora of recordings that can be turned on by whoever is wheeling his carcass around, in that silly chair," she told reporters outside of the court room, in the blistering summer heat. "His face is made of plastic!" she went on to say, nearly in tears, "Just full of cogs and microprocessors and tiny gear wheels . . . he's like a blooming coo coo clock! This is for his own good, may he rest in peace." Scotland Yard's Special Branch has been instructed by the King's Court to go to the Hawking home on August 17, where the scientist lives (sic) with his current wife Bernice and full time aid, to turn off the cardio-stimulator, which, according to his ex-wife drives the cogs and wheels. Hawking could not be reached by phone for comment.


Morehead Snead Captures Cup
By
Henry F Mazel -- Contributing Author

In one of the most exciting finishes in memory, Moorehead Snead III, skipper of Impervious, crossed the finish line some thirty seconds ahead of the sloop Hegemony to win field yachting's prized Skeffington cup. In field yachting, a sleek, single-masted craft is pulled along a polo field by day laborers known as ‘sloop caddies.' The first yacht to traverse the field and cross the goal is declared the winner.

Moorehead Snead III, an overrun specialist with the Lockheed Corporation, and the crew of Impervious clearly ran the tactically superior race and were never headed by the opposing yacht, Hegemony. Hegemony had its problems from the start as it strayed off course and interrupted the second chukker of a polo match being played on an adjacent field. Seven ponies died in the incident.


David Letterman Blames Affairs, General Creepiness On Cheney
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

NY,NY: In one of his now signature painfully awkward monologues, comedian Letterman blamed his taking advantage of underlings and overall unnerving presence on Dick Cheney.

"Dick Cheney recently started hunting again. So I decided it would be safer to hide out in my secret lair with my female employees." The television institution made several such jokes, eliciting the trademark nervous laughter which has come to define his stand up.

"Now, I know what you're thinking. 'Dave, what could cause you to make jokes about something

like this.' Easy. The answer is one little word. Waterboarding."

At press time, sources report tonight's show will include several jokes about Sarah Palin

causing Letterman to cheat on his taxes.


An American Political Ghost Story
By
Philbert of Macadamia -- Contributing Author

Once every year at midnight in Philadelphia PA an old wives tale relates that a number of distinguished gentlemen gather at the American Eagle Ale House to discuss politics and consume tankards of ale.

This 4th of July 2009 was no exception as the heavenly ghosts of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, James Madison and Ben Franklin were assembled at a corner table. "Where's that rascal Tom Payne tonight" asked George. "He's in some far off place called Iran, doing his thing" retorted Ben.

"They are mucking up our grand experiment" suggested John. Tom replied, "yes but look how far they have come relative to this slavery issue." James sighed, saying there has been so much progress we do not understand, as they have even walked on the moon."

Wise old Ben asked James "if he also meant those two very tax heavy legislative packages currently being fought over in Congress by Republicans, Democrats, Blue Dogs, Liberals and Conservatives?"

Tom said "of course he does, that is a point I tried to make many years ago when you guys wouldn't go for a balance budget or line item veto clause when we were writing the US Constitution."

As the sun began to rise George said "we have to leave now, but all of us need to work towards restoring a political balance in our nation's politics via the 2010 elections." "Gridlock is good, should be scrawled everywhere" interjected John!


Culling of Homeless Population in Miami to Begin Week Before Christmas
By
Saul S Smith -- Contributing Author

Miami--A Dade County administrator, Eloise Lopez-Nutter announced today that Dade County Police would begin culling homeless persons found sleeping on the street, or surrounding area starting at midnight beginning on December 17th. She explained that police would carry special 22.calibur pistols to use in the cull, which would make very little noise and keep the possibility of ricochet down to a minimum. "The police will be using head shots only!" Lopez-Nutter stressed. "The homeless will be asleep and I am assured that they will feel no pain." The county estimates that by Christmas they will actually have room in the city's homeless shelters for the first time in years. The Miami culling will be funded by Stimulus monies in this special pilot project that is being called "The Great Cull". If it proves successful in South Florida, there will be further culls planned for Chicago, Buffalo, Milwaukee and Seattle. It is estimated that Miami alone stands to save some $19 million per year with increased funding, due to surplus bedding, food, and various kinds of care provided by the state to the huge homeless population throughout the city. This will also free up numerous police as well. Lopez-Nutter ended the briefing with, "we are all hoping and praying for a good and successful cull."


Sarah Ogden Root to Be Bride
By
Henry F Mazel -- Contributing Author

Announcement has been made of the impending marriage of Sarah Ogden Root to Osgood Stegman Jr., a lobbyist for the Poppy Seed Association, currently secondered to the Ministry of Agriculture in Kabul, Afghanistan.

Miss Root, who is currently engaged in experimental salmon farming in her condominium in Aspen, Colorado, graduated from Miss Porter's School and holds a Master's degree from Columbia University. She is the great-granddaughter of Zachariah Root, an Assistant Secretary of the Interior in the Coolidge administration and inventor of the aluminum shovel.


Couple Forces Selves to Fight Over Toilet Seat
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

El Paso, TX: Belinda and Steven Cooper, 37 and 36 respectively, forced themselves to bicker over the position of the toilet seat despite the total lack of strong feelings on the matter by either

party, sources reported. The incident in question occurred on a recent Tuesday during a commercial break for a syndicated episode of Everybody Loves Raymond.

"I saw that the toilet seat was up as soon as I walked in the bathroom, and I was kind of

relieved that there wouldn't be.... you know, urine on the seat." Mrs. Cooper stated during a

recent interview on NBC's Today Show. "But you know, I thought 'shoot Belinda, this might be good for a chuckle.'"

Firing off a jejune verbal salvo, in which she refereed to her husband of 13 years as a

"typical man", Belinda launched into the argument with the one person on earth with whom she is totally unguarded around. Instantly recognizing the path his wife - the woman he credits with

saving him from a familial disposition towards alcoholism and the only person ever to see him weep - was steering them towards, he joined right in, warning her "don't nag me, or I'm going golfing".

The "Great Toilet Seat Battle of '09", as the couple are calling it, is the most vicious

pseudo-trouble the couple has experienced since their toddler son was more interested in the box in which a Christmas gift came in than the toy itself.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
Henry F Mazel
Philbert of Macadamia
Saul S Smith

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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