October 2009 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 11 Issue 10
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 November 1st - 14th  October 1st - 14th  September 15th - 30th Editor: John Blackemire

Report: 64% of Children Admit to Recreational Bug Use
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Researchers at the University of Rhode Island have today published an alarming study in the journal Insectia that indicates nearly two thirds of American youth, some as young as seven, have used bugs for recreational purposes in the last three months. According to the study, the majority of the bug abuse was mild in nature - for instance, catching butterflies or lightning bugs - but researchers say this is at best cold comfort.

"If children stayed solely with more innocuous forms of bug use, that would still be troubling," says Dr. Carolyn Anders, lead researcher on the project and head of the University of Rhode Island's Center for Bug Abuse Prevention and Treatment. "Unfortunately, they seldom stop there. This is often a gateway to harder abuses, such as burning hobbled house flies with a magnifying glass or dousing an ant hill in gasoline and setting it ablaze."

The study has elicited a strong reaction among policy makers in Washington. US Representative Barney Frank (D) MA, has called for a Congressional investigation and Obama administration Bug Czar Vivian Darkbloom has pledged the full resources of his office to combat the problems highlighted by the study.


North Korean Olympians Train in Greenwich
By
Henry F Mazel -- Contributing Author

In a whirlwind display of swimming pool diplomacy, the exclusive Greenwich Country Club hosted sixteen members of the North Korean Olympic diving team. Less than forty-eight hours after their Ilyshin II-14 touched down at Kennedy International, the divers were in the water.

A few member of the club, unaware of the invitation, complained about ‘Asians flailing about in the pool.' Sin Sun Ho, North Korea's Permanent Representative to the United Nations, assured the group that his government will reciprocate later in the year. U.S. divers will be invited to use the facilities at the Glorious Fissile Enrichment Pool located outside of Yongbyun.


Addition of Shrimp to Taco Bell Menu Best Thing to Happen to Man This Year
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Daytona, FL: Steven Fisher, 42, has, according to sources, identified the addition of the Pacific Shrimp Taco to the menu of fast food mainstay Taco Bell as the single best thing to have happened to him thus far in calendar year 2009. The fork lift operator and amateur bass guitar player ranked the shellfish based taco above his parent's fiftieth wedding celebration, the relief he experienced when an abnormal growth on his neck turned out to be benign and a trip to Las Vegas in which he went broke and contracted pubic lice at a legal brothel.

"I just can't get enough of these things," Fisher said. "Usually, if I want shrimp, I go to Long John Silvers, but I hate their hush puppies. This way I can get some Mexican and seafood at the same time."

While prognosticators vary in opinion, the consensus view among experts is that the chewy yet greasy delicacy will retain its status in Fisher's esteem until mid-2010 when it will be supplanted after his favorite movie theater initiates free refills on popcorn and soft drinks.


Barack Backs Beans
By
Phillip Donnelly -- Contributing Author

In a surprise move, congress will meet in emergency session next week and be asked to pass a further stimulus package from Iraq O' Barmy, who wants to secure approval for a 100-billion dollar package to invest in magic beans.

In will be a close vote, and many budget hawks have already expressed their reservations on the long-term implications of spending so much money on a handful of magic beans. However, Barnacky Fed Bean insisted that the "M. Beans will create a wave of hope that will carry the nation through the storm of these turbulent economic seas and leave us safely of the beach of economic good times, and the tan of prosperity will soon follow."

When pressed for more details over how the possession of MB's would restore competitiveness to the crumbling American economy, the O'Barmy camp emphasised the ‘hope dividend' that would sprout forth and stated that the green shoots of recovery were already evident in the 0.001% surge in the value of US shares following the news, whose combined value is now almost equal to the national debt of Trinidad in the 1920's.

Critics remain, however, and Britain's Premier Gordung Brown and Chancellor Chancer Darling has been publically critical of the Beanstalk Solution, stating that there would be no ‘BS for Britain', and that the Labour Government would instead be spending its borrowed money on buying bankrupt banks in order to restore confidence and trust.


Political "Knife and Fork School" to Open this Fall
By
Philbert of Macadamia -- Contributing Author

Washington DC: The Huey Long School of Political Couth (HLSPC) announced that a curriculum of nonpartisan short training courses is to be given in the fall of 2009. A potential hurdle is finding eminently qualified instructors to affiliate with specific courses and politicians.

Invited attendees for the first class include: President Barack Obama; VP Joe Biden; House Speaker Nancy Pelosi; Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid; Senator Chris Dodd; Senator Barbara Boxer; Senator John Ensign and Governor Mark Sanford; Representative Barney Frank; Representative John Murtha and Governor Sarah Palin.

The initial course lineup includes: Health care and No New Middle Class Taxes; Quiet Diplomacy; Spinning a Story vice Outright Lying; Good Decision Making vice the Last Person talked with; Tax and Spend Behavior Modification; Military Etiquette, including when to use Sir and Ma'am; Plausible Infidelity Cover Ups; Kitchen Table Economics for Dummies; Surviving Without Earmarks and How Not to be a Political Quitter.

HLSPC anticipates, if the first semester graduating class achieves success, there will be over 600 new congressional and gubernatorial applicants for an expanded curriculum of courses in 2010.


Muffy Elizabeth Lodge to Wed Hebrew
By
Henry F Mazel -- Contributing Author

Mr. and Mrs. Steven Shriver Lodge of New York and Kennebunkport, Maine have made known the engagement of their former daughter, Muffy Elizabeth, to Henry F. Mazel, son of Abe and Ida Mazel of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn.

The future bride, an officer with the private banking house of Brahmin Brothers, Saks and Forrester, graduated Smith College. She was presented at the 2003 Debutante Cotillion and Christmas Ball, and recently was asked to resign her seat on the board of the Daughters of the American Revolution.

Mr. Mazel, the future bridegroom, is a merchant associated with the Pitkin Avenue Herring Works, as was his father before him.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
Henry F Mazel
Philbert of Macadamia
Phillip Donnelly

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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