August 2009 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 11 Issue 8
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 September 15th - 30th  August 1st - 14th  July 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

College Freshman Like, Totally Tripped Out By Descartes
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Ann Arbor, MI: Brydon Bricton has reported to friends the sensation of "being ... like, you know, wigged out and shit" after reading a synopsis of Descartes famous "I think therefore I am" argument from Discourse On Method presented in the text for his introductory philosophy course. The nineteen-year-old Bricton, who is attending Michigan University on a baseball scholarship, describes the exposure to systematic doubt as "being totally fucking anxious, like when I crashed my dad's Jaguar". After considering the falsifiability of both the analytic truths of mathematics and logic and the data derived by the senses, Bricton has reportedly taken refuge in the notion of thought as the only certainly. Consequently, Bricton has resolved to play Tetris daily and really study hard when not in season.


Kobe Zoo Claims True Identity Of Novelist "Tomiko" Is Elephant
By
Saul S Smith -- Contributing Author

Kobe, Japan--5 October 2008--Hoshi Takera, the director of the Kobe National Zoo announced to an international gathering of journalists who had come to the city to attend an annual Japanese Literary award ceremony, that the mysterious author of the three adventure novels attributed to the reclusive writer "Tomiko" were actually written by Fugi San, the zoo's African elephant who was brought to the zoo and raised as an infant some thirty two years before. The three novels, published in English as "Ring Of Fire", "The Day Of The Dung Beetle" and "Night Raiders Of The Zambezi", have already been translated into 16 languages, and "Night Raiders" even appeared, briefly, on the NY Times bestseller list in 2003, and the movie rights recently acquired by New Line Cinema. The gathered journalists where struck speechless when Ms. Takera made the announcement. Some expected a joke, but the humorless zoo director dismissed their surprise by quickly adding that Fugi San was an awful speller and a very poor grammarian. She was quick to add that she had given him, Fugi San, the idea for his second novel when apparent writer's block had set in. When asked by one stunned reporter from Denmark how this was possible, she was again quick to say that Fugi San used a large railroad spike, grasped neatly in his trunk, to type on his pc keyboard and that he had been timed at 36 wpm . . .  "not bad for someone with no hands and only a trunk" she added. One hapless journalist from the Times asked Ms. Takera how an elephant could possibly write an adventure novel. The zoo keeper sneered at the American and added that Fugi San, who was very easily frightened and not at all inquisitive, would certainly not write horror or detective novels.


Local Grandpa Doesn't Know About this Texting
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Meridian, ID: In another of a long series of ambiguously paranoid reactions to advancing technology, Velmer Clayton, 67, expressed the sincere yet muted conviction that texting "just don't seem proper". Speaking with Farce Haven during commercial breaks for the "Rocket Rod" fishing system infomercial, Velmer had the following to say. "I'm not trying to be a fuddy duddy, but the texting and the tweeting and the MySpacing all seems backwards to me. Mr. Bell made the phone so we could talk; now the kids are using the phone to read. It's backwards. I don't sing to my newspaper."

Counterbalancing their grandfather's distaste for the new communication mode were Makayla and Nevaeh Clayton, 15 and 17 respectively, sitting uncomfortably on the opposite end of the couch during their weekly visit. Describing text messaging as being "no big deal" and "the greatest stuff since I Love the 80s", the younger Claytons lauded the activity as an efficient means of keeping abreast of the happenings in the world. The interview ended abruptly when both teens became engrossed with their phones.


New Ice Cap Discovered
By
Daniel Campbell -- Contributing Author

A pair of American ramblers made an unlikely discovery while out walking yesterday, when they accidentally stumbled upon an undiscovered polar ice cap. Karen and Edward Masters were taking a stroll through a forest near their hometown of Bixby, Wyoming, when they noticed something hidden in a clump of bushes, and went over to inspect. ‘We'd never seen anything like it before so we took it down to the town sheriff, who told us to bring it up to the college in the city for the scientists to take a look at,' Edward said. The top science boffins at the University of Wyoming were stumped, and took the Masters' discovery in for analysis that night. ‘No-one was sure what it was, so we left it with the college and didn't think anything of it. The next day we got a phone call from them saying that what we'd found was actually a new polar ice cap. Of course, we were thrilled.' The discovery of the new ice cap is thought to have postponed the flooding of the planet by the other ice caps melting by at least another hundred years. A spokesman for the Organization for Economic Co-Operation and Development commented, ‘The discovery [of the new ice cap] is undoubtedly good news, but we must not think that we are completely safe from flooding. It is vital that we all still pull our fingers out and remember to conserve energy where we can, otherwise our negligence can be devastating; two hundred rainforests were destroyed last year alone just from Britons leaving their televisions on standby overnight.' The Masters' were given the privilege of naming the new ice cap, and have decided to call it ‘Taffy', in honor of their pet dog.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
Daniel Campbell
Saul S Smith

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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