July 2009 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 11 Issue 7
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 August 1st - 14th  July 1st - 14th  June 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Bananas To Come With Warning Labels
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Washington D.C.: Sighting the precarious produce as a silent killer well known since Silent Era slapstick comedians first had their run-ins, the Food and Drug Administration has mandated that all bananas must begin to carry a warning label concerning the dangerous, slippery peels that prey like a yellow menace on literally dozens of Americans every decade.

Experts within the busy body industry hail the new regulations as the boldest and most ingenious issued by the FDA since the agency advised smokers that tobacco may be deleterious to health and warned consumers not use umbrellas as a shield against falling boulders.

Riding the crest of the banana-fueled-tsunami-of-success, Commissioner Dr. Margaret A. Hamburg is embarking the agency on an ambitious plan to preach the message that eating McDonald's three times a day may be a bad idea.


Jackman Witnesses Assault on Cancun Paparazzi
By
Saul S Smith -- Contributing Author

Cancun--X-Men superstar, Hugh Jackman, vacationing in this Yucatan resort town was waiting outside the Hilton for his wife and two children when he spied Osama Bin Laden, newly arrived for some much needed R&R, with his large entourage, moving swiftly down the red carpet. The Saudi terrorist, clad with his signature robe, turban and Forster Grants, smiled and waved briefly to Jackman. "We'd met once before, in Rio, I think," Jackman would later explain. Just moments later, like sharks descending upon a bleeding Nicole Kidman, the paparazzi tried to swarm the swarthy Islamicist. The tall Arab later said, through his publicist, that he felt threatened and was mindful of the fate of Princess Diana, so he drew his concealed Bowie knife, which his publicist, Sally Trotmeier, said had been a recent gift from the friendly Australian actor, Paul "Crocodile Dundee" Hogan. Jackman explained later that Bin Laden used his Bowie on the photog like he was "dicing onions." The photographer, whose name was being withheld by Mexican authorities, was in stable condition in a nearby hospital. Bin Laden did not answer his calls at the Hilton and is believed to have returned to the lawless tribal region of northwestern Pakistan.


Gay Rights Activist A Latter Day MLK
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Modesto, CA: Jackson Dundy, 42, has recently begun informing friends and coworkers of the many striking similarities between himself and American icon and paragon of the civil rights movement Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Dundy, a quality control associate at E&J Gallo Winery, and staunch proponent of gay marriage, sees his struggle to expand matrimonial coverage as a continuation of the quest to bring to full parity millions of African Americans suffering from institutionalized disenfranchisement and the legacy of slavery.

"Yeah, I know Jack was part of the petition drive against Prop 8 and all, but he just keeps going on about 'keeping his eyes on the prize' and whatnot. Now he's making a big deal out of the fact that his birthday is in January" said Doug Bellow, brother-in-law to the courageous Dundy.

Joining Bellow in singing his praises is Norma Clauster, a member of Dudy's monthly book club. "Jackson is a real character. We were both pretty worked up by what happened in November and everything after that, but Jackson kept insisting he was ready for dogs and fire hoses. We kind of lost touch since then. I hope he enjoyed Beloved."

While Jackson modestly admits that he enjoys the respect of his peers, he takes the greatest pleasure from inspiring the younger generation. Chynna Daily, 17, a member of Thomas Downey High School's Gay Rights Now! Club, for which Dundy volunteers every second Tuesday of the month, had the following to say about her mentor. "I mean, Mr. Dundy is pretty alright I guess. He knows a lot of spirituals and stuff, and he always gives us rides to protests. One time he even got us some wine coolers."

But when the one speaking of Jackson Dundy is Jackson Dundy, well, the language becomes more circumspect, if only for once. "I don't really have the time to worry about my place among my predecessors. There is always another battle around the corner, another wrong to right - plus I'm up to my eyeballs trying to figure out what's wrong with this years merlot. I'm just to busy to rank myself But I do know that my name would be snazzier with the suffix 'Avenue'." When asked about his plans for the future, Dundy expressed a desire to be arrested, but only after he has finished training for a triathlon this coming August.


Mt. Rushmore Purchased By Sony Corporation
By
Saul S Smith -- Contributing Author

Tokyo--Spokesperson Agi Tomata of Sony Corporation, announced at an impromptu press conference this morning that Sony had purchased Mt. Rushmore for an undisclosed amount of money, but is unofficially reported to be about $1.2 billon US dollars. Ms. Tomata said that Sony was "happy" and "pleased" that the site was even available. She said that rumors of disassembling the mountain and shipping it to Osaka were completely unfounded. She did say that some of Sony's top engineers had been dispatched to South Dakota to begin work on designing two new heads on the world famous mountain. To the right of George Washington will eventually be the head of Masaru Ibuka, the founder of Sony, who is revered in Japan much as Washington is in the US. Ms. Tomata, however, created quite a stir among the Japanese and Chinese reporters when she announced that a new second and soon-to-be sixth head would be added to the left of Abraham Lincoln. The new head would be the first woman on Mt. Rushmore. "It is way past time that a woman appears upon this most famous mountain," she was quoted as saying. The woman will be Lucy Liu. The Japanese reporters were quick to inform Ms. Tomata that Ms. Liu is not Japanese but Chinese-American. The Sony spokesperson was forced to raise her hands to invoke calm among the agitated reporters. She explained that Sony sought "happy" relations with China, that after Japan's repeated refusal to take any responsibility for the horrors of World War II, and their constant indications that they had been the one's who had suffered aggression, that by placing a prominent Chinese-American upon the new Mt. Rushmore that this would be a marvelous good will gesture. The Chinese reporters attending the news conference, though somewhat taken aback by the announcement, began to warm to the idea when Ms. Tomata revealed that the bust of Lucy Liu would be displayed along with her head, in all of its "ample" glory. Admission to the "New" Mt. Rushmore would be about twenty US dollars she said.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
Saul S Smith

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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