June 2009 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 11 Issue 6
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 July 1st - 14th  June 1st - 14th  May 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

White House Quietly Scraps Pearl Harbor Photo Op
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Washington DC:

Without comment, the White House scuttled plans to fly vintage World War II Japanese aircraft over Pearl Harbor, sources reported on the condition of anonymity. While opinions as to the provenance of the about face vary, the consensus view among insiders pins the cause on environmental concerns relating to the eco-unfriendly technology involved. This cancellation is just the most recent in a series of promotional events that have not seen the light of day, including a mock invasion of the Bay of Pigs and a commemorative assault on Ft. Sumner.


Twelve Year Old to Be Tried As an Adult
By
Saul S Smith -- Contributing Author

Birmingham

The Johns Poorman School District yesterday said that the county prosecutor would seek to try 12 year old Enos Ogden as an adult and seek the death penalty in the eating of an unauthorized Oreo cookie.

Last January Ogden and a friend, Alice Mayweather, were alone in the cafeteria annex about 2:58 PM just prior to the three o'clock bell, when a security camera caught them opening a family sized bag of Oreos that had been purchased by the school district. The boy was clearly seen devouring a cookie that was offered to him by Alice. Ogden was arrested at his home several days later without resistance. Earlier in the day a SWAT team had descended upon the home of Alice Mayweather where she lived with her grandparents.

Mayweather agreed to plead guilty to aiding and abetting in the theft and promised to testify against her friend Enos at his trial slated for mid summer. The prosecuting attorney, Jim Hunsucker, got the judge to agree to try the 12 year old Enos as an adult to "make an example for other would-be thieves in the school system". Hunsucker told reporters that the "molly-coddling of such hardened criminals" would result in the destruction of society. "We have zero tolerance for such behavior." He further added "he's gotta learn!"


Seven to be Replaced
By
Daniel Campbell -- Contributing Author

It was announced yesterday that the number seven is set to be removed as a numerical figure. The decision was made in light of recent results from a survey conducted last year by the Caledonian Numeracy Group, which show that out of the thirteen billion people that participated in the survey, over 100% of them felt that the number had no place in their lives, and over 80% thought the number had become outdated.

Details of the plans, scheduled to be put into action this August, were released to the public in a statement by Michael Fisher, head of the governmental Department of Numeracy. ‘It has been made clear to us that the number seven is no longer as relevant as it once was. Seven has been in activity for a long time now, and we feel the time has come for an upheaval.'

This news follows the proposed and subsequently disbanded plans announced in December to eliminate the numbers one to nine, and to instead begin the numeral scale at ten.

Fisher also announced the number devised to replace seven, KRETHKO. Lauded as ‘a number designed for modern living, and one that people can relate to on a much broader scale than before,' KRETHKO will completely replace seven as the number that comes after six and precedes eight.

‘We are confident that KRETHKO will fit easily into people's everyday lives,' Fisher continued in his statement. ‘We are also hoping that KRETHKO will encourage people to engage once again in numeracy, people who may previously have been put off by seven's fusty image.'

The numeral depiction of KRETHKO is yet to be revealed, although Fisher described it as being ‘completely tailored to every aspect of 21st century life, and three times as large as any other numeral.'

Fisher remained tight-lipped, about plans for re-development about any other numbers, but when asked about the possibility of a downloadable algebraic system he replied, ‘Watch this space.'


Tom Cruise's Celebrity Obituary
By
Tim Frank -- Contributing Author

Tom Cruise, most known for being heterosexual and kidnapping Katie Holmes, was murdered today when a reanimated L. Ron Hubbard bashed him repeatedly over the head with a replica Oscar statue Cruise had fashioned for himself out of Holmes's bra wires.

Hubbard publicly justified his actions by suggesting Cruise was a Christ-like figure and he had lived out his destiny. Sources close to Hubbard, however, complained Cruise had twisted Scientology's teachings by implying it was secret club for repressed homosexuals who wanted their dates assassinated and disposed of immediately after coitus.

Some say Cruise was misunderstood, but no, he wasn't.


Jackson Tape Cited By Amnesty International as Torture for Gitmo Prisoners
By
Saul S Smith -- Contributing Author

Washington

Harold Schimerhorn, spokesperson from Amnesty International claims that the three POWs who committed suicide this past week at Guantanamo prison camp did so after being shown a moon-walking tape of the "Gloved One" singing various songs from his Thriller album.

"Thirty nine times! Thirty nine times, they were shown the eighteen minute tape within one 48 hour period," stressed Schimerhorn. "Even the KGB in its heyday never resorted to such tactics."

A military spokesman for Camp X-Ray was quick to say that the Jackson tape was only shown once, and that it had been shown on request! "Do you think we are animals?" asked the dismayed military spokesman. "I categorically deny that we would ever show a tape like that thirty nine times to prisoners!" He refused to comment, when asked, if it was true that the Dixie Chicks would kick off their next tour with a live performance at Camp X-Ray.


Pothead Thrilled to Get Apartment #420
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Indianapolis, IN:

Dale Greenworth, 34, is absolutely thrilled at the serendipity in answering an ad for a roommate that landed him in apartment #420 in the city's notorious Eastgate Terrace Apartments, site of 12% of the cities homicides for 2008.

"Man, I ain't been this lucky since the time I won those free tickets to Loolapalooza" stated a visibly delighted Greenworth, an aspiring bongo player who moonlights as a clerk at an adult bookstore. His plans for the aptly numbered abode include covering structural damage in the walls with his variety of Bob Marley posters and scrawling marijuana leaves on either side of the number stenciled on the front door.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
Daniel Campbell
Saul S Smith
Tim Frank

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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