May 2009 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 11 Issue 5
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 June 1st - 14th  May 1st - 14th  April 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Fourth Long John Silver's Franchises Destroyed in Anti-pirate Backlash
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Salt Lake City: America's leading proliferator of flash-fried fish, Long John Silver's, has suffered the destruction of four of its locations - the latest in Salt Lake City, UT - in a campaign that marks the U.S. Navy's most extensive foray into domestic warfare since the Civil War.

Anonymous sources report the decision to destroy the latest target in the steadily escalating war against piracy, using Tomahawk Cruise Missiles launched from the USS Kitty Hawk, was made from the highest reaches of the Pentagon and was intended as a sign of the new administration's resolute conviction not to compromise in the face hectoring.

In an official statement, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates says "... [F]reedom of the seas, being one of the most fundamental rights under international law, we simply cannot abide the operation of piratical forces within our borders."

The stern crackdown on Long John Silver's has had wide ranging repercussions throughout the American business market. Both the eye patch and parrot industries have seen their stock values plummet, and Captain Morgan brand rum has proactively renamed its product Lieutenant Stevenson. As of press time no word has yet come out of the Tampa Bay Buccaneer organization.


NRA Takes Aim At Dick Cheney
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

The NRA (National Rifle Association) is searching for just the right person to head the organization, and fill the very big shoes of their former President, "MOSES," aka Charlton Heston.

The search has narrowed down and, a front runner has emerged. Dick Cheney, the former Vice President of the United States, with his impressive political background, his unwavering devotion to his country, and, as a "card carrying, dues paying" member in good standing of the NRA for many years, is the perfect candidate for the job.

Billy Bob Pervis, spokesperson for the NRA, said in a statement; "We feel certain that Mr.Cheney's unfortunate hunting accident and wounding of his friend a few years ago, will, in no way, jeopardize his chance of being of elected." "After all," he went on to say, "who among us hasn't shot a hunting partner or two?"

Voting will take place at the next NRA Convention and Gun Show to be held in the Ozark Mountains early next year.


Nancy Pelosi Receives Phone Call from Outer Space
By
Philbert of Macadamia -- Contributing Author

Washington DC: Rumors are circulating on Capital Hill that Democratic Speaker of the US House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi received a cell phone call from outer space. It was a long distance call made from an unlisted number.

The caller initially asked for Princess Leia, to which the speaker replied "no this is Empress Pelosi, is this God?" The caller said "oh I must have a wrong number, as I am not God but a Guardian of the Universe assigned to protect all of Earth." To which the speaker replied "that is my job."

The caller said" shouldn't it be the USA that you are protecting?" The speaker replied, I do have such higher ambitions, but the Oval Office has a current resident, so I must concentrate on other things." The caller said "like what?"

The speaker answered "I fly around in my government jet spending the taxpayer's money on pork projects, promoting ultra-liberal causes such as gay marriage, protecting the San Francisco Salt Marsh Mouse, blaming the previous Republican Administration for every current problem, preventing Alcatraz from being used to house the captured Islamic enemy combatants and never letting facts get in the way of my pronouncements.

The speaker continued "since there is apparently intelligent life in outer space how come you ETs don't ever land here to visit us?" Then she abruptly hung up. The caller pondered this question for a moment then turned to his aide, asking "where's Klaatu and does he have time for a rush job?"


Blind Man Drives from NY To Californian Stopping At All Shoneys
By
Saul S Smith -- Contributing Author

Ethan Aldershot drove his 1966 Plymouth Valiant from New Your City to Los Angeles in six days. You might ask, "What's the big deal?" Well, the "deal" is that Aldershot is legally blind; it was learned today at an impromptu news conference called by the friends of Aldershot at Grumans Chinese Theater. He has become the first blind person to attempt the 3,000 mile trip without killing himself along the way. The previous record was held by Sally Winfield who made it just 13 mile on I-80 from NYC, before tragedy struck in the form of a semi hauling beef tripe from Nebraska, eastbound. That was back in 1971. Aldersthot not only drove cross country but he made it a point to stop and every Shoney's along the way. "I love their food," he said, "especially breakfast." He laughingly said that the hardest part of the trip was parking in the Shoney's lot. "One hell of a lot of fender benders and destroyed garbage cans, I can tell you!" When asked about a driver's license, he produced an authentic-looking NY license. "Phony as a three dollar bill!" He shouted, waving the bogus document high in the air. "It cost me $150.00, but it did yoeman's duty, as I was stopped twice by troopers, once in Ohio and again in Wyoming for speeding." When asked if he would attempt to drive back, Aldershot reached into his pocket and produced a pilot's license. "This baby cost me over 300 smackers, but I've rented a small Cessna and will begin my trip back early next week."


Bird O'matic
By
Thomas Grantland -- Contributing Author

Hi friends, are you tired of birds waking you up early every morning with annoying songs and chirping? Are you tired of what they do to your cars and patio furniture? Well, I have the answer for you, my all new Bird O'matic. Now you can turn those little winged pests into healthy and delicious meals for the whole family. Here's how it works, the winged ones land on top of the Bird O'matic thinking they're getting free bird seed. Not here they're not; as they land on the patented Bird O'matic roof if flies open trapping your fresh chirper inside, next the processor goes to work separating the feathers from the meat .The feathers then are blown out the vent system ,while the meat is compressed and packaged all inside my device. All you have to do is open the door on the bottom and you've got fresh bird meat. And if you act now you get my free wild bird cookbook, just loaded with recipes' .Your family will love sparrow butter and jelly, robin Buffalo wings and chickadee soup. Don't forget my party favorites too, blue jay way dip and crow crackers. All for only $19.95, act now, not sold in stores.


Obama To Begin Preemptive Apologies
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Washington DC: Citing a brilliant foreign policy strategy that has worked too well, President Obama has announced an effort, based in the State Department but answerable directly to the Chief Executive, to apologize for mistakes the United States has yet to make.

After the stunning success of apology tours through both Europe, which yielded 500 non-combat NATO troops and free tickets to Euro Disney, and Latin America, where he garnered a free book, White House insiders sought for more sins to atone for only to find the well had run dry. Sources within the administration credit the idea to David Axelrod, Obama's top political aide.

The first of such apologies will come during an upcoming speech to the Canadian parliament in which he will apologize for acid rain of American origin and the failure of Nickel Back's next CD on the American music charts. Apologies are also forthcoming to Japan (third nuclear bombing), Iraq (premature withdrawal), and Italy (poisoned wine), just as soon as Iran and North Korea discontinue their weapons programs and Cuba become a robust democracy.


And the Winner is...
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

This week's winner of the "Marie Antoinette Let Them Eat Cake" award goes to Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. Prime Minister Berlusconi, in a message to the thousands of his countrymen who are homeless and traumatized by the recent devastating earthquake, advised them to "Enjoy the beach; live on the beach!"

Marie Antoinette would have been very happy for him to take home the "honor." Who, after all, would have thought that anyone, anywhere, at anytime could possibly be any more "out of touch" or "insensitive," than Mademoiselle Marie?

But, Prime Minister, you are that person, and so, we salute you. You are indeed worthy of the title "Marie Antoinette Let Them Eat Cake" winner.

We expect more award winning acts from you Mr. Berlusconi. Don't let us down!


GMC Unveils 2010 Model Automobile
By
Philbert of Macadamia -- Contributing Author

Detroit MI: Government Motors Corporation (GMC) executives unveiled the prototype of their 2010 model automobile, dubbed the "Polar Bear." The new GMC CEO also promised the auto workers unions there will be no layoffs of factory workers.

Most GMC automobile assembly lines will be temporarily closed except for the two lines that produce the 2010 "Polar Bear." This machine resembles a 1969 VW bus, but is technologically superior, having all the available options of previous GMC models.

The "Polar Bear" is a totally green six passenger hybrid machine that can employ either biofuels or electricity. The recommended biofuel is used cooking oil, such as that from deep French fryers, but pure Italian virgin olive oil may also be used. Greenhouse gas emissions have been replaced by steakhouse gas vapors.

The other means of locomotion, electric drive, only requires that the "Polar Bear" be plugged into a 120 Volt AC outlet overnight. The French are selling GMC 50 nuclear reactor power plants, one for each state, to furnish the electricity for the electric propulsion. This acquisition process may take 10 years to complete. In the interim, coal fired electric generating plants will be expanded in each of the 50 states.

The export model shipped to China, dubbed the "Panda Bear," may employ Chinese restaurant cooking fat. Presently, to save money these new automobiles only come in the color green, except for the red ones going to China. GMC feels that a favorable balance of trade with China can be established based on these foreign car sales and that China is to produce some leadless spare parts. A reliable source indicates that the Australian's are interested in a variant called the "Koala Bear".

Fuel economy is high, but may vary by location because the purchased accessories are not all factory installed in the car. Prior to leaving on a trip a decision needs to be made as whether to take the snap in heater or air conditioner unit. For fickle drivers a green "fifth wheel" may be towed behind the vehicle.

By limiting "Polar Bear" production to two assembly lines the law of supply and demand should negate any lose in value during the first two years of ownership. The "Polar Bear" is also federally protected against all dents and scratches for the first 100,000 miles by GEICO, the new federally acquired insurance company.

The other GMC automobile production lines are to be retooled for manufacturing battle tanks and armored vehicles. There will be no unemployment! All union workers are to become government workers, with the same health plan and pension benefits as the US Congress. GMC middle management has been invited to join the union via a secret ballot.

A subcontract has been offered to North Korea for tires, if the communist regime stops building missiles and grows rubber trees. The same deal was proposed to the Iranian government, if they give up their development of nuclear weapons.

The new GMC CEO anticipates that this new line of automobiles is the start of a trend in transportation vehicles that have an international flavor.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
Joanne Schiffbauer
Philbert of Macadamia
Saul S Smith
Thomas Grantland

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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