April 2009 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 11 Issue 4
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 May 1st - 14th  April 1st - 14th  March 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

World's Sexiest Star Trek Fan Dead at 42
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Aurora, IL: The Trekkie world is reeling from the news that Paul 'Pimp Daddy Picard' Slowkowski died early this morning from complications of Adult-onset diabetes. A legend on the Star Trek Convention circuit for his dapper good looks and comparatively healthy girth, he was the largest drawing attraction not directly affiliated with the sprawling sci-fi juggernaut that has captivated legions of socially awkward individuals with misemployed intelligence and various dermatological maladies.

Holding the rank of admiral in the United Federation of Planets, Slowkowski will be buried with full honors and will have the added honor of the retirement his trademark Star Fleet uniform with the distinctive chinchilla-lined collar. The news has been especially painful for Slowkowski's legions of female admirers. A cadre of Wiccan Trekkie priestesses will perform the final rites at his funeral, which will be held just as soon as everyone's mom can get the day off from work in order to drive them to Illinois.


Schwarzenegger to "Terminate" Elders
By
Saul S Smith -- Contributing Author

Erestine Tubbs, a spokesperson for Govenator Arnold Schwarzenegger, explained today that due to severe budgetary constraints that state hospitals will no longer revive or resuscitate patients over the age of 70. She told assembled reporter that this was only a temporary measure and would save the state at least $870 million dollars in the first year alone. She further mention that the original proposal had indicated that the cut off point should be 63 years of age, which would have saved in excess of $ 4 billion dollars, but the governor had nixed that as he is getting close to that age himself, though, Ms. Tubbs added that the savings was most inviting. She further informed those assembled that a new bill, with great bi-partisan support, was about to hit the legislature. If passed it would name every second Thursday of the month as "cookie Thursday". Households of 4 or more individuals would be required to bake at least 2 pounds of cookies, of any kind, sell them to friends or neighbors and mail the proceeds directly to the state department of taxation and collections. Ms. Tubbs claimed that this would nearly balance the budget. "We must all roll up our selves," she chided.


George W Bush Looking Forward To Penning Great American Novel
By
Owen Hughes -- Contributing Author

Following his eight year stint as leader of the free world, former President George W Bush is said to be eager to sit down at his desk in the study of his new home in Dallas, Texas, and begin work on his highly anticipated first novel.

"He's had the idea for a while now", said Bush's former press secretary Dana Perino. "It was all he talked about during his last three years in office, and I really think people are going to be shocked at his writing ability."

Rumors that persist in Washington suggest that the plot of Mr Bush's novel, which apparently has the working title of Hot Juice, involves several characters which are based on real people, a fact which is sure to cause controversy should the former President find someone willing to publish his masterwork.

"A cleaner he showed it to who worked at the White House told me that a couple of the main characters in the book could cause real offence to the people they are based on. One character in particular called Rick Laney is a real piece of work, in the novel. He's an incredible hypocrite with far too much power, who hunts unarmed old men for sport, in the novel. I just hope George knows what he could be getting himself into if he goes ahead and writes this book."

Mr. Perino also commented that he had no clues as to what Mr. Bush's ideas on literary technique or narrative structure were, but that the story's hero was bound to create a favorable response from the public.

"He's real excited about what this book could do for the hero's public image", said Mr. Perino. "He's got all the elements needed to be one of history's most popular characters, akin to a Falstaff, or a Frasier."

Mr. Bush was unavailable for comment, but was said to be shooting cans in his back yard by photographers camped outside his new home.


President Obama's Teleprompter to Play Cyrano de Bergerac
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Washington DC: Presidential Teleprompter Press Secretary Robert Hallnoats announced today that his boss would be leaving the White House in order to take the titular role in an updated version of the classic play Cyrano de Bergerac.

While the transition from computerized word-box to stage thespian is unusual, in this instance it

is natural. Teleprompter took his undergraduate degree in both political science and theater while

at Yale, and spent a memorable stint as a player with the renowned Steppenwolf Theater Company before moving into politics.

Hallnoats acknowledged that the move - early in a historic administration in which Teleprompter

was one of the key actors behind the scenes - was brusque, but stated that this was "the role he

was born to play", and reaffirmed his boss's decision to seize a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

when it presented itself.


Entire Us Economy Is a Giant Ponzi Scheme
By
Roger Freed -- Contributing Author

The judge in the Bernie Madoff trial has dismissed the case against the swindler who bilked clients in a $50 billion Ponzi scheme when his lawyers presented evidence that the entire US economy is based on the same scheme.

"The whole schmiel is a Pyramid scheme!" insisted Jernie Paidoff, defense lawyer. "In every business you have one guy on top who's the dictator, no matter what kind of democracy it is, and the next level down is a bunch of Gestapo-like guys who run roughshod over all the peons at the bottom who do the real hard work. The capitalist ideal in business is to claw your way to the top by screwing anybody you have to. It's the American Way! Are you some sort of traitor? What did Bernie do that was any different?"

The truth of the statement and a promised 12% return interest on an investment made the judge reconsider the crime and dismiss the case. Madoff was allowed to keep the money because the judge didn't want to seem un-American.


Obama Achieves Very Little During First Week in Office
By
Owen Hughes -- Contributing Author

Having been recently inaugurated as the forty-fourth President of the United States of America amid much excitement and expectation, it has not gone unnoticed by some that Barack Obama has managed to achieve very little during his first full week in office.

Those who had expected sweeping changes that would have an instant impact upon the mess that the new administration has inherited have instead been faced with the same old slow political process that has become the hallmark of Western democracies. "It's just not on", said political idealist Randy ‘Che' Johnson.

"He had, what, two months before he was officially sworn in as President, and I assumed like a lot of people did that he was spending that time figuring out how to fix all the problems in the world. And now it's becoming obvious to a lot of people that he doesn't have any sort of solution at all, which begs the question, what the hell was he doing for those two months?"

While sources in the government say that Mr. Obama is doing everything he can to try and solve all the problems in the world, they are secretly admitting that this may take several years, by which time some people who voted for him may have become disillusioned with his methodical approach.

"A lot of those people that were there to watch his inauguration last week are starting to see through the hype", said Mr. Johnson. "Personally, I don't think Barack Obama will ever unite the planet, it just doesn't seem like he has the desire to make it happen. It will be interesting to see who the Republicans put up against him in 2012."

Sources in Washington have also suggested that his wife Michelle has not let the President spend as much time running the country as he would have liked, as she has been making him move the furniture around in all 132 rooms of their new home.


Guantanamo Detainee Wins Windfall Judgment
By
Saul S Smith -- Contributing Author

A federal court in California awarded a Guantanamo detainee one billion six hundred and forty seven million dollars (in either US dollars or euros, it is up to the detainee) for having been held illegally these past 7 years. Abdullah Al-Hazzred Al-Zif a 27 year old graduate student at Damascus University where he was working on a Ph.D. in agronomy, who the US State Department claims is a small weapons expert, part time assassin, and a long-time member of Al Qaeda, will not be released by the government. However the billion dollar judgment, the largest ever awarded to a single individual in US legal history, will be sent to his "mother" in Teheran, Iran. When Mr. Al-Zif was asked by a Times reporter what his mother would do with the outrageous amount of cash, he said: "Death to America, kill American swine! Many Kalashnikov rifles and grenade launchers will money buy and kill many American dogs! My sister is not a prostitute! With my knife I kill you and your family, and my running dog lawyers, who are stupider than an Afghani goat, and not half as pretty . . . ." The government said it would appeal the judgment.


Warner Brothers Announce "Watchmen 2: Hawaiian Dyin'"
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Hollywood: After a strong March showing in the midst of the steepest recession in recent memory, Warner Brothers and DC Comics have announced a sequel for the trenchant, emotionally powerful film, based upon the soul searing masterpiece of the same title by acclaimed writer Alan Moore, which is currently in preproduction.

Picking up with the faux-nuclear holocaust that ended the first film, the update takes us to the

fiftieth state, where demigod Dr. Manhattan engages in a mad-capped series of missteps trying to

woo his old love Silk Specter II, who is now the proprietor of Silky's Surf Shop.

While casting is not complete, the original actors are almost certain to return, yet Billy Crudup's penis may hold out for more money. Also joining the cast are Anne Hathaway and Ashley Judd as members of a race of relationship-fixated female aliens who pose as hula instructors in order to learn human mating patterns.

Pending the success of the film, other comic-centric follow-up films are pending, including

Batman: Vegas Nights and Superdaddy Daycare.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
Owen Hughes
Roger Freed
Saul S Smith

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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