March 2009 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 11 Issue 3
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 April 1st - 14th  March 1st - 14th  February 1st - 28th Editor: John Blackemire

Obama, Roberts To Star in Sitcom
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Citing a pressing need to create non-conventional streams of governmental revenue and find new creative opportunities, President Barack Obama and Chief Justice John Roberts have announced plans to star in a sitcom on the WB with early fall '09 named as the launch date.

While official press releases from both the White House and Supreme Court were scant on details, anonymous sources and Internet leaks have confirmed that the show, putatively titled My Two Chiefs, will be a traditional three camera sitcom of the "oil and water" tradition exemplified by The Odd Couple.

The show's premise has the Chief Justice and the Commander-In-Chief taking co-guardianship of a precocious eight-year-old Guatemalan immigrant who learns about Red and Blue America by their leading exemplar.

Proposed scripts read like a primer on issues of national importance, such as the pros and cons of strict construction, abuse of the commerce clause, and the fierce rivalry between Obama and Roberts at the annual DC Chili-Cook-Off.

The potential boon to taxpayers is immense, with combined revenues from licensing fees,

advertising and product placement reaching the hundreds of millions per annum. If projections hold, such a windfall could equate to an extension of Social Security solvency of 13 hours or the construction of 50 feet of fence along the southern border.

Assuming a successful launch of the show, copycats could be quick in the offing, including a hardboiled police drama with VP Bidden and This Old Rotunda with Speaker Pelosi.


Ammo and Eye Wear
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

Sarah Palin, always an incurable optimist, refusing to be discouraged by her failed attempt for VP, is rebounding as only Sarah can. She can now add to her already impressive resume: President of the NRA, spokesperson on QVC, for her own "designer" line "Ammo and Eye Wear," newest contestant on "Dancing with the Stars," and, if that isn't enough, a sales rep for "Mary Kay Cosmetics." Also in the works; a calendar "Babes of the Bering Sea," and a real possibility of TV and Film work . . .  as a stunt double for Tina Fey. And, even as we speak, with all of this on her plate, Sarah is now in training for the "Alaska Iditarod Race."

I asked Sarah if she was up to the tasks at hand and as she shouted "Mush You Huskies," with thumbs up; Sarah smiled that famous smile and said "You Betcha!"


Dad Horrified By Ease At Which Son Acquires Porn
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Burl Flagstone, 53, Braintree, Ma is reportedly horrified at the total lack of effort his son,

Colby, 16, must expend to access pornography. After discovering a plethora of adult websites in the browser history, Burl became very pessimistic of the prospects for his son's generation.

"In my day, if you wanted to see nude women, you had to work for it. I cut lawns all summer before my freshman year just to be able to buy a dozen old Playboys from my assistant football coach. Colby just has to push a few buttons and he has more topless babes than he can shake a stick at. How are people his age going to make it in the real world?"

Burl is not alone in his concern. A wide spectrum of employers in traditionally teen-centric fields have reportedly had trouble finding enough employees. Local swimming pools have had to restrict the number of hours they open because life guards are nearly impossible to secure. Several fast food restaurants have had to substantially increase wages to fill the gap left by teenage boys; just ten years ago there was a waiting list at all local Mcdonald's for new hires, a list filled exclusive by males ages 15 through 17.

Even more worrisome to Flagstone is the negative influence that goes beyond simple slothfulness. Flagstone, an English professor, attributes his love of literature to the arduous quest for anything remotely erotic which dominated his high school years. "I read anything that might have something racy in it. Portnoy's Complaint, Sappho, Ulysses. Can you imagine kids today slogging through Joyce? Of course not, they've got hot and cold running nipples at their disposal."

Despite several requests, Colby refused to grant Farce Haven an interview, citing an inability to leave his room.


Trust Fund Babies
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

Finally, MTV's mega hit "THE HILLS" is coming to the big screen. Millions of fans will get to see their favorite "TRUST FUND BABIES," portrayed by actors.

Casting calls are now taking place; with hopefuls from across the country, flocking to Hollywood, all wanting to portray Lauren, Spencer, Audrina and Justin Bobby.

The agents have very specific ideas about the cast. First of all, Lauren Conrad, the darling of the show, with her adorable smile and "puppy dog" eyes, will in fact, be played by a puppy!

Spencer Pratt, the shows antagonist, has two very big names vying for his part; "Svengali" and "The Devil" himself.

Audrina, the sweet, and perpetually "bewildered" friend, will be played by a foreign exchange student; not fluent in English. That way, the actress will authentically capture Audrinas constant "bewildered" look.

Justin Bobby, Audrina's (on again/off again) boyfriend, and the reason for her "bewilderment," will be played by Johnny Depp. Depp is going to approach the role by combining his characters, "Edward Scissorhands," and "Jack Sparrow. He says, he's really looking forward to the opportunity to work with a puppy, Svengali or the Devil and a foreign exchange student.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
Joanne Schiffbauer

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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