February 2009 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 11 Issue 2
Home Polls Cynical Top Twelve Cafe Del Soul Features

 March 1st - 14th  February 1st - 28th  November 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

New Soft Rock Station Promises Incredibly Soft Rock
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Indianapolis - In a deafening fulmination that will resonate through the dog-eat-dog world of soft rock for years to come, radio promoter "Sonorous" Steve Humb has put seminal soft rock station B105, which bills itself as "The Soft Rock Station", on notice. The raucous press conference, packed to bursting with reporters, rabble, and fellow incendiaries, was at times a frenetically paced comet of denunciations, targeted at "the soft in name only" station's many supposed transgressions, which seemed to be perched on the very precipice of fiery oblivion, so close to being consumed by its own volatile yet righteous indignation.

Among the charges included was rock that was often "so hard Middle Eastern dictators use it to build bunkers," a shocking lack of songs about how nice it is to be in love, and less than optimal Celine Dion saturation. "We've been took, we've been had, hoodwinked, bamboozled, led astray, run amok" Humb intoned with an impassioned voice that nearly set a riot off, "we didn't land on soft rock, hard rock B105 landed on us."

Humb went on to extoll his new venture, S88.7, which he tagged as "The home of rock so damn soft you can fucking choke on it." To prove his provocative claims were more than bombast, Humb offered the following comparison:

"Listen to B105 for an hour and what do you get? Some Hall & Oats, maybe a little Elton John, two commercials for Lasik eye surgery and a reminder about the 5K walk/run to benefit breast cancer research, tops. I've seen prison rapes softer than that. Tune in to S88 for that same hour. You're going to get the Four Seasons, Moody Blues, Backstreet, and a twin spin diva weekend taste by my girl Beyonce. Try as you might, it gets no softer. No Ashley Judd movie, no poetry recitation at a gay wedding, nothing is as soft. Humb backed his claims with a guarantee to "physically kiss the hot living ass" of anyone who could produce a softer specimen of radio programming.

Outwardly unfazed by the upstart station, B105 has maintained an official position of nonchalance.

However, some on air changes have betrayed the seeming equanimity B105 proffers. Use of key words in the soft rock field, i.e. "baby", "girl", "honey", etc, have increased a remarkable 300 percent since the press conference. Most telling has been the replacement of long running morning show "Diana and the Dude" with a continuous audio loop of the sound of a zygote implanting itself in the uterine wall interspersed with sounds of Mariah Carey hitting a high note.


The Pancake Spa
By
Thomas Grantland -- Contributing Author

Attention! Are you hungry and stressed out?

Now announcing the grand opening of our latest luxury resort "Pancake Spa and retreat". You love pancakes right? You love being pampered right? How would you like to do both in one comfortable setting? This Friday come see us and feel the magic. You just won't be eating pancakes while you spa, not here, you won't. Imagine if you will a streusel rub down, followed by a soak in hot maple syrup and butter. Then while you lie on a warm waffle you'll be wrapped in a warm fragrant pancake. With your choice of fruit toppings and whipped cream. I know that never in the history of spazanation has this level of luxury been tried.

Call now for reservations space is going like hotcakes.


News brief: Study Studies Studies
By
Michelle Motoyoshi -- Contributing Author

In a recent study of studies, researchers discovered that 90% of studies show nothing. The other 10% of studies indicate that those 90% of studies are representative of most studies.

The study results confounded the study's principal investigator, Dr. I.M. Wright from Fauk University. "We were certain our study would show that studies show something," he remarked. "But it looks like we were wrong."

Dr. Wright attributes the study's surprising results to the results of studies. "Studies obviously don't result in the sort of results studies were expected to result in. Instead, studies produce results that result in studies that produce no results."

While those who conduct studies may be concerned by these findings, Dr. Wright says there is no cause for alarm. Although 90% of studies showed studies showed nothing initially, a full 42% of studies showed that they would show something with further study.

"42 is a very encouraging number," Dr. Wright concluded.

Other scholars in the field are less optimistic and have questioned Dr. Wright's methods. Dr. U.R. Wong from Southern Utah College of Knowledge Studies commented, "It's clear that the study that shows that studies show nothing is based on a biased sample of studies. A better sample of studies might result in a higher percentage of studies that show something a higher percentage of the time."

Dr. Wong suggests grouping studies according to size and over-sampling within those groups that are underrepresented. This would result in larger samples with less variation within groups, resulting in more reliable results. "It's an effective method validated by years of study. Using it, we have effectively identified studies whose results show results."

Dr. Wright stands by his method and his numbers. "Our study of studies is the most progressive and comprehensive study of studies to date. That our study shows that studies show nothing really shows something."

Both Dr. Wright and Dr. Wong conceded, however, that more studies were needed to draw any firm conclusions.


Racist Alzheimer's Patient Confuses Stereotypes
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

In a scene that is both heartbreaking and terribly offensive, Christopher Sneed, 69, of Ashland, KY, has begun to muddle the stereotypes by which he has classified and understood others all of his life. The first such incident is believed to have occurred nearly a month ago. When hearing loud hip hop music while in traffic Sneed, who was on his way to a doctor's visit, said that "them Cubans should go back to Africa."

The most recent incident took place last evening when he was informed that his favorite granddaughter, Alicia Tompkins, was engaged to Andrew Goldstein. Sneed reportedly warned his daughter Tammy, Alicia's mother, that marring into a Jewish family would entail a life of alcoholism, leperachauns, strict Catholicism, and a diet of sushi and rice.

In the intervening period, Sneed has confused a number a vile preconceptions which, while being abhorrent to modern ears, is also painful for those near him. "I was always embarrassed by dad's opinions," said Tammy, "but now I'm just so sad. It's like he's not really my dad any more."

The destruction of personality, which many loved ones of Alzheimer's patients see as a living death, has long been especially devastating to those in the bigoted community. Dr. Sanjh Vhandal of John Hopkins Medical Institute says that the fact that Mr. Sneed is confusing stereotypes is actually cause for muted hope. "This sort of cross-wired prejudice, known as bigotry confusion in the field, is a hallmark of relatively moderate Alzheimer's. When a patient invents, from whole cloth, groups to hate out of fear and confusion, well, it's tragic. They are beyond the reach of medical science at that point."

Sneed's family will soon be crestfallen when he begins to spew epithets about Kranpozians, a fictional race of people from the south Pacific which, according to Sneed, are without traditional family structures, work ethics, or the ability to see the color carmine.


Ode to the Centenarian
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

"PETA," fresh off their very successful "North Pole" tour, and hearing of the plight of a 114 year old lobster, was off and running again. This time, instead of insuring the safety of "reindeer," they were determined to prevent their century old crustacean friend from being somebody's "main course." So, with their goal, as always, to protect "All Creatures, Great and Small," they, again, carried out another successful mission.

With expert planning and the precision of a top trained "Swat Team," PETA swarmed into said restaurant. Creating diversionary tactics and "Rambo" like choreography, their mission was indeed accomplished. Saving their friend was the plan, and save him, they did!

Unfortunately all of the excitement proved to be too much for the centenarian, and shortly after his rescue, the 114 year old lobster passed away. The Medical Examiner determined that the "Old Man of the Sea," died of natural causes.

A Memorial Service is being planned.


Bidding Wars Break Out at 'QVC' and 'HSN' for Sarah Palin
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

Executives at both "QVC," and "HSN," are on the fast track with their legal departments; trying desperately to put together a "package deal" to entice Sarah Palin to join their teams.

The "big wigs" at "QVC" are saying privately that they have never seen anyone with the "gift of gab" that Sarah has. Her energy, relatability and wholesomeness are just what their networks need.

Sarah is known in the business as a "Marathon Talker!" One executive was overheard saying, "Sarah could sell snowballs to the Eskimos...She probably already has!"

When asked if she would consider the proposals, Sarah flashed her million dollar smile and said a resounding, "YOU BETCHA!"


Word "Change" Now Used Only in Elation, Derision, Sarcasm
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Eighteen months ago, the Fitzgerald family - John, 49; Cathy, 47; Mark, 17; - of Eugene, OR, were a typical family, blissfully unaware of the linguistic potentials of the words they used. And while they are still a typical American family, their verbal sensitivity has ramped up considerably.

Cathy, the matriarch of the Fitzgerald clan, is a committed conservative who has been devastated by the political charge given one of the most common words in the English language. "Use to be, I could ask John to change the oil or ask Mark if he wanted me to change his bed clothes without giving it a second thought. That has all changed. When the car finally broke down, I wasn't even angry, just resigned."

The scion of the family, Mark, who granted Farce Haven's request for an interview from his bed in a local hospital where he is recuperating from a rare skin infection, is just the opposite of his dear mom. "I love the fact that every thing seems brighter. For eight years things didn't seem to change for centuries, but now that we have change, which is necessarily good in every conceivable way regardless of outcome, I feel like Superman on a sunny day. When my doctor said he was awaiting approval from the CDC to change my antibiotics to 'the last best hope' I almost shed a tear."

John, an entirely apolitical man who is chocked to the gills with insouciance and jumps at the chance to make gimmie jokes, called the easy pickings "change I can believe in."

When asked what he believed his chances of winning the coveted C1M prize were, which is the distinction of being the person to make the pun involving political change and loose coins for the millionth time, he replied "Yes we can." When altered to the fact that his response was ungrammatical he wept.


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
Joanne Schiffbauer
Michelle Motoyoshi
Thomas Grantland

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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