June 2004 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 6 Issue 5
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 June 15th - 30th  June 1st - 14th  May 15th - 31st Editor: John Blackemire

Al Qaida Endorses Bush 2004
By
Chuck Terzella -- Staff Writer

The Al Qaida Terrorist Organization has endorsed George W. Bush for a second term as United States President and Commander in Chief of the countries armed forces. Abdul Bull Durham, spokesman for the Union of Thugs, Dead Enders, Losers and Assassins said, " Allah be praised, this President has been very good to our Union. First, he paid no attention to us as we planned the 9/11 attacks. Of course, he did attack our friends the Taliban in Afghanistan, which cost him some of our support, but then he also attacked Iraq, which we were very grateful for. This war removed one of our enemies in the Middle East, Saddam Hussein, and the distraction of preparing for war and occupying Iraq has allowed Osama bin Laden to evade capture for the last two and a half years, so it was a wash there.

"On the up side Mr. Bush, through his toppling of Hussein has given us access to innumerable weapons and explosives and has sent us many American soldiers to use them on. We don't even need to buy a plane ticket to go to America to kill Americans now and with travel budgets being what they are these days, that's a real help. Plus it's just not safe to fly; the right hand doesn't always know what the left hand is doing and we could accidentally be blown up by one of our own. On the global front he has done much more than to destroy America's standing in the world than we ever could have. He has our thanks. Four More Years!"

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " Normally we wouldn't want the endorsement of the U.T.D.E.L&A., but with the President's popularity being what it is these days, we'll take whatever we can get."


Drew Carey Unveils New Underwear Line

Hollywood, CA---

Today at the Entertainers in Fashion's annual spring exposition celebrity and actor Drew Carey shocked the fashion community when he unveiled his new fashion line of women's underwear for men.

"I was shocked," stated New York supermodel Sin D. Crawfish. "I knew that Drew had a fashion line in the works, but I always thought it would be something tasteful like crotchless panties or big men's leather boxers. I never imagined it would be something as creative as women's underwear for men. Drew has certainly been thinking outside of the buns with this one."

"Carey is a true innovator," said industry spokesperson Bud E Buninschpect. "Men have had to deal with the problem of poorly fitting women's underwear since the dawn of time. Now here is a man who has created the ideal underwear for men who refuse to wear women's underwear that was made for the average women's curves."

When asked about his new innovative panty line Carey had this to say about the situation:

"No longer will men have to hide in shame because they can't fit into their wives' or girlfriends' panties. Men can finally come out of the panty closet and wear their panties with pride. We will be silenced no more!"


Give Piece a Chance

Not content with inflaming anti-U.S. passions in the Middle East over its invasion and mishandling of Iraq, President George (Bringer of light, truth and God to the Middle East) Bush has gone to the next level by endorsing Israel's plan to unilaterally change the borders of Palestine, reversing decades of American policy, as well as it's own highly vaunted "Road Map to Peace".

Unnamed Administration Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " We figured what the hell, the Arab world already hated us and if we could con all the Jewish voters in America into thinking that we actually liked them and cared about their tiny little country then we could cop some more votes in the election. Don't get me wrong, I like Jews personally, not in my Country Club or living next door or anything crazy like that, but they make great doctors and The Nanny was a funny show. In fact, if they hadn't murdered our Savior, Jesus Christ, I might even believe they all won't burn in hell."

When asked about the departure from the Road Map to Peace Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of more anonymity said, " You see, that's another one of those funny homonym things...It was actually the Road Map to Piece, not peace. You know, you take a Piece of Gaza, a Piece of the West Bank and so on. The papers wrongly thought we meant Peace and since it sounded better, especially at a time when we were taking over our own little piece of the Arab world, we let it slide."


Kay Seeks Military Bush

President George W. Bush has appointed David Kay to head a special team of investigators to search for evidence of his service in the Texas Air National Guard.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse said, "David has a lot of experience searching for things that aren't there so, who better? Plus, If we can get him interested in doing this, maybe he'll keep his mouth shut about the WMD's."

David Kay was quoted as saying, "It's going to be a long, dangerous job requiring skill at seeing through lies, obfuscation and out and out fraud. We expect that our inspectors will be intimidated and threatened and our minders will try to misdirect us in a way that will make our work in Iraq look like a trip to Disneyworld. But that's America."

Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of more anonymity said, "See? That's exactly what I'm talking about. This guy is a time bomb. Sometimes I think that David is a little bit of a subversive, not a Democrat exactly, but a loose cannon nonetheless."

Mr. Kay, speaking on the condition that his credibility is so damaged that no one will ever believe anything he says ever again said, "Look, I know what I said about WMD's in Iraq before the war and what I said about them after the war and I believe both statements were true. I mean, if Bush can say that Conservatives are compassionate then I can say two diametrically opposite statements and be able to get away with it."

George W. Bush, speaking on the condition that he gets re-elected said, "I want this investigation to be honest, above board and above all I want it to clear me, no matter what the actual evidence says. There's an election to win damn it."


Miss Universe Contestant Disqualified for Being Too Natural

Miss Universe contestant Ima Q Tee was disqualified on Thursday for being too natural.

"It's unnatural," Barqs Hopenhagen lead panelist of the Miss Universe pageant said in a press statement. "When we got the lab results back there wasn't a drop of silicone, botox, or collagen in her entire body."

When asked how she felt about the situation, former contestant Jenna Lee-Ann Bobsworth-Hutchinsen remarked, "It's totally unfair. I mean--I went out and spent 357 million dollars on a tight ass, hot boobs, perfect teeth and collagen lips and this bimbo wants to take it all away from me by just being natural. She didn't' even have to spend a dime! There ain't no justice in this world."

When asked what he felt about the situation former Average Joe Adam Mesh responded, "I think it's great. I'm tired of all these fake women. You know me, I'm an average Joe, I like my women to be all natural. There's nothing like-excuse me-looks like my date has just arrived." Adam did not have a chance to finish commenting on Miss Universe's disqualification as he had to run off and meet his date, former Miss Universe contestant and spokewoman for Botox Inc, Collagen Weekly, and Breasts Implants United Wendy Beatrice Lee Briggs-Hootenwater.

In a press conference Ima Q Tee delivered a teary address to the breast-implant wearing public. "Beauties of the world, it is time for us to unite. It is time for us to cast off our silicone and collagen shackles. It is time for us to live free of chemicals. It is time for us, ladies and gentlemen, to say 'hey stop! Our bodies are good enough as they are!' Cosmo will no longer dictate the limits of our self worth ladies and gentlemen, especially when we all come together, say to hell with Cosmo, to hell with this media driven perception of beauty and learn to love each other in naughty nasty ways despite the way we look rather than because of it!"


Hopscotch added to the Olympic Line-up.

Caving in to pressure from all sides, the International Olympic Committee announced Thursday that Hopscotch, a much underrated and verbally abused sport will be added to the new Olympic line-up in addition to sheep shearing, role-playing and pie eating.

"When they agreed to add handball the last Olympics," AD&D champion Roley Poley said in a statement last Tuesday, "we almost lost it. We thought, 'How dare they!' especially after turning down our petition to add gaming to the Olympic menu."

Lyle Loser, spokesman for the Olympic Committee, had this to say in reply. "So we screwed up. I know this is reminiscent of our not taking sports like beach volleyball and table tennis seriously, but believe me, we're trying to make amends. We added those didn't we?"

When asked what other future nominees for Olympic events, Loser was reluctant to respond, but his wife gave us the following list for the meager sum of $300:

* Ping Pong (oh wait--they already did that!)

* Run Swimming (As if Run Walking wasn't dorky enough)

* Cart racing (Mario Kart Racing that is)

* Team Solitaire

* Mud Wrestling

* Caber Toss

* Log Rolling

* Bungee Dumping (Don't ask)

* Cow Tipping (Don't tell)

* Laser Tag

* Hog Calling

* Yodeling

* Masturbating

* Solo Relay Running

* Jello Shots


Ex-Lesbian Says No More Bush!

Sarah Lipton was your every-day NRA membership card carrying, gun toting lesbian. Mild mannered, even tempered, Lipton had a reputation for being pro-Bush although she maintains at the time she liked Bush, she wasn't so sure about Dick. Then Sarah met fellow gun toting lesbian Anna Bama.

"The more I spent time with Anna, the more I began to learn about Bush, the more I grew to dislike Bush. In fact, I'm proud to say that I'm fed up with Bush! I've have had nothing but Bush for the last four years. Bush is dirty, hairy, and always seems to be in dire need of a good cleaning. I think it's time for a man to step up to the plate and show Bush who's boss.

"All that wasted time, loving Bush and hating Dick, I could have had a much more constructive life. And it intrudes into my family life. Why, when I go home to my parent's house--it's all I can do to tune out my little brother. 'Sarah loves Bush! Sarah loves Bush!' You'd think the little bastard would grow up a little, ya know?"

When asked if Sarah was really over Bush, she replied "I don't think you can really get over Bush; I know I never will. But I promised myself, come November I will do whatever I can to be rid of Bush."


Self-loathing not necessarily a bad thing

OXNARD—Do you hate yourself? Millions of Americans are cursed—wait, wait a minute—did I say cursed? I mean blessed by the self-loathing phenomenon that is sweeping the nation.

"The common mistake people make," says Jack Daniels, an area psychologist and marriage counselor, "is that they make their self-loathing detrimental rather than viewing it as a gift. They never realize that since they are inflicted—wait, did I say inflicted? I mean blessed by the gift of self-loathing, they can hate themselves with an expertise that no one else has.

"I think that fundamentally, we all hate ourselves at one level or another. Remember Tammy Faye-Baker? Do you think the purpose of that overly caked-on make-up was self-beautification? No, that make-up was a self-inflicted wound. That's why my wife drinks.

"One time, she got so drunk that she climbed a telephone pole in the nude and started crowing like a rooster.

"Then there's what happened between her and that poor elephant. He'll never be the same."

Sadly, Mrs. Daniels could not be reached for comment.

Joe Carver, however, local grocery store owner, butcher and gansta rapper has this to say about the situation.

"I don't buy into this self-loathing thing. I hate myself for not caring about it, not being aware, but it really doesn't affect a Joe like me. I'm so stupid sometimes."

"It's important," Daniels added during a later interview, "that people don't overreact to their self-loathing. Through their self-hate, they might be able find a thing about themselves to truly love."

The baker and the candlestick maker were unavailable for comment.


Bush Honors Hymen

CIA Director George Tenet has said before a Senate hearing that the United States is as "fraught with dangers for American interests" as it was before the take over of Iraq, directly contradicting George Bush's claim that the world is a safer place without Saddam Hussein. "That yo-yo in the White House can try and bring me down if he wants," Tenet, or someone who kinda looked like him was overheard to say, "but I know where the skeletons are buried and he's (Bush) got more skeletons in his closet than Arlington National Cemetery, so he'd better just watch it."

The Bush Administration, after initially blaming the CIA for all of it's policy failures has been recently backing away from that position. Realizing that George W. Bush wasn't up to the kind of political autopsy that Tenet or someone who kinda looked like him was referring to, they've decided to place all the blame for the last three years of screw ups on one man, Festus P. Hymen of Billings, Montana.

"It was all that guy's (Hymen's) fault," said Unnamed Administration Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, "Tax Cuts for the Rich, Iraq, September 11, Dubya's slaughtering of the English language, Drilling in Alaska, you name it. John Ashcroft has opened a file on this guy and I tell you, it looks like the Manhattan phone book, it's so big. This guys looking at a ticket to Guantanamo Bay and soon, the little terrorist creep."

Mr. Hymen, a retired hog slopper with an eighth grade education, one blind eye and a mild limp was surprised at being labeled the National Scapegoat by the Bush Administration. " Sure, I voted for the little feller," said Mr. Hymen, speaking in a telephone interview from Bubba's Tap Room in Billings, "he seemed nice enough, you know, harmless. The economy was strong after Clinton, we weren't at war and Gore was too smart for me to follow when he talked, so I figured, what the hell. I never thought that voting for him would lead to me receiving such an honor."

When informed that being named National Scapegoat wasn't really an honor and would most likely result in his imprisonment and eventual execution, Mr. Hymen, who has the same IQ as Mr. Bush, said, "You mean that little piece of hog slop is trying to take me down with him? Tell that AWOL Oilman that Festus P. Hymen ain't going down without a fight. Give me another shot and beer, Bubba. Call Kerry. There's work to do!"


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Chuck Terzella
John & Mari Plante
John Blackemire

Contributing Writers:
Chuck Terzella

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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