November 2008 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 10 Issue 11
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 February 1st - 28th  November 1st - 14th  October 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

"Wall Street to Main Street" To Become New National Motto
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

The devil is in the details. The global economy sighed with relief when the now infamous bailout bill was passed by the House and quickly signed into law. After several minor changes the bill met with the approval it failed to garner previously.

However, one of these changes has proved to be not so minor. A rider to the bill, the author of which is as yet unknown, has changed the nation's motto from "In God We Trust" to "Wall Street to Main Street", the much bandied phrase that has become synonymous with the financial crisis.

Reactions were mixed. Conservatives among the House Republicans and the religious right have expressed dismay at the change. But others are thrilled.

"It is about time we took class warfare and made it the motto of this great, evil, evil nation of ours." commented Rep. Barney Frank, (D) MA. "It is a sure road to success."

Officials at the U.S. Treasury have also welcomed the change, saying they have long sought a way to spruce up the "stodgy old money" that is currently in circulation.

Proposed designs include pictures of Uncle Pennybags of Monopoly fame in a gilded car on Wall St. and a Che Guevara emblem on Main St.


Holiday Icons Meet to Discuss Gas Prices and Global Warming
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

Santa Claus, Frosty the Snowman, and Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer are holding meetings this week at the North Pole to see how rising gas prices, and melting ice caps will impact their participation in their respective holiday responsibilities.

Santa started off the meeting by saying, "Thank goodness for the Reindeer!" He went on to say, "Without them, it would be impossible for me to continue making the journey around the earth in one night. And, with gas at $4.00 a gallon, it would cost a fortune. I just couldn't do it!" "And, a great big 'Thank You' goes out to Rudolph for lighting the way. With the Reindeer and Rudolph, transportation costs are negligible."

"The only change that I see for myself," he said, is the need to update my wardrobe. My red velvet suit with the white fur trim is probably going to be too warm with the earth's warming temperatures. I'm currently getting ideas from top designers on a new, lighter look for "Old Santa!" Tommy Bahama and Tommy Hilfiger have been kind enough to send me prototypes of outfits for me and Mrs. Claus."

Santa's biggest concern, he told me, is for Frosty the Snowman. Santa was obviously upset when he told the throng of reporters that Frosty could not attend the meeting in person, because of the rising temperatures at the North Pole. "And so," Santa said, "Frosty will be joining us via the internet." Santa directed his attention to the computer and spoke to Frosty, "Frosty, first of all, how are you?" Looking somewhat smaller, Frosty began...

"I'm just fine Santa; you don't have to worry about me. I'm just trying to hold myself together. The nice people at NASA are working very hard to design a special suit for me to keep my body at just the right temperature. It's supposed to be ready by Thanksgiving, so I'll be good to go for the holidays!"

Santa went on to say that he and Rudolph and the Elves (Let's not forget the Elves!) will continue to do everything in their power to keep the holiday traditions alive. And, as he spoke, I couldn't help but notice the twinkle in his baby blues and his rosy cheeks and I knew that with the combined efforts of Santa, Rudolph, the Elves, "Tommy Bahama," and NASA, the holidays will be as wonderful as always!


Future Sex Workers Ready in 18 Years
By
Saul S Smith -- Contributing Author

London-- Researchers at the Crandall-Broadax Bio Complex here have "socially engineered" seventy-six embryos, all female, with a strong genetic disposition to have sex. They have seventy six women to carry the embryos to term and raise them, for an undisclosed amount of money to be paid by the Crown. Upon their 18th birthdays these young women, who will have been groomed also at government expense for their future calling, will enter a "facility", actually what will become a government run brothel, in an undisclosed city in the UK. It is estimated that each woman will be paid about 28,000 British pounds a year, which will be adjusted for inflation two decades into the future. It is expected that almost none of the women will want to leave their jobs due to the careful altering of their DNA by the staff of researchers at the Broadax complex. If the project proves successful several brothels of genetically engineer "ladies of the evening", "pleasure girls", "hello, hookers", "thoroughbred tarts", "holistic whores"--Broadax much prefers "concubines", though that term is, technically speaking, incorrect--will appear in most cities in the UK by middle of this century. It is rumored that North American franchises rights have been purchased by the Orchid Group, an umbrella organization owned by former NY Governor Eliot Spitzer.


Britney Spears Gets Sheared
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

Britney Spears, confessing her undying love for singer Moby, has shaved her head in preparation for going on tour with the bald musician as backup singer and sex slave. Police say Moby has yet to learn of Spears' intentions, but is stepping up security to prevent stalking by other celebrities. "Cher and Barry Manilow have been after me for years," Moby divulged recently on a deep sea fishing trip with Bill Clinton. "I'm considering wearing a wig and getting my skin darkened. Then I plan to go on tour with Jay-Z." When informed of Moby's statement, Jay-Z seemed surprised, and has nonetheless hired four Sumo wrestlers as bodyguards, and a fifth nicknamed TREE to ensnare his own idol--Bill--with gold chains.


PETA Protests at Pole
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

"PETA," (people for the ethical treatment of animals) has taken their cause, along with signs and banners in tow, to the "North Pole." Seems like Santa's famous red suit, trimmed with white fur, has incurred their wrath. So, protesters are carrying signs reading, "FAUX IS FINE! FAUX IS FINE!"

A bigger concern for "PETA," is the fact that Santa's Reindeer, led by Rudolph, are forced to circumvent the globe in just one night. "PETA," is insisting that the Reindeer have sufficient "rest periods" on every continent; or, teams of other Reindeer to take over for them; reminiscent of the "Pony Express."

Santa, in meetings all week, with his Attorney, Gloria Allred, is trying to reach an agreement that

will satisfy all concerned parties.

Rudolph, was overheard saying, "Why, why now? We've been doing this forever! If it ain't broke,

don't fix it? I haven't heard any complaints from the Reindeer. As far as I know, Dasher, Dancer, Comet and Vixen are "psyched" and ready to go. Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen are really looking forward to the trip!"

Last report from the meetings, tells us that Santa WILL be wearing "faux fur!

And, as far as the Reindeer are concerned, Veterinarians will be on hand throughout the night to take care of any problems that might arise.

As of this report, things are back to normal at the "North Pole." The protesters have left, but not before giving "Old Santa" their "Christmas Wish Lists!"


Number of Bear Cubs in Single Mother Homes Astronomical
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

A shocking study of the marital habits of America's bears, conducted in concert by the US Wildlife Service, the Census Bureau, and Teddy Graham snacks, found the number of bear cubs living in single parent households, almost exclusively with their mothers, to be nearly 100%. The few exceptions being found in the circus industry, where bears are typically single, childless, and gay.

Experts in childhood psychology and demography are predicting an explosion of bear related violence in the coming generations, a pronouncement which has sent a shock wave through the salmon community. In addition to high rates of violence, the current epidemic level of dysfunction in ursine society is expected to lead to poor academic performance (most cubs do not read up to grade level), high rates of depression (often characterized by long periods spent in bed), and an increase in teen pregnancy, which will only serve to perpetuate the current trends in bear illegitimacy.

In an effort to stem the tide, Congress is considering a wide range of options, from the repeal of abstinence only sex-ed to a restructuring of the welfare system to encourage fathers to stay in the den. The Emergency Ursine Rescue of Act of 2008 is currently being debated in the House, but talks are stalled due to overspending and a tough election year situation for lawmakers.


Fulfill Your Destiny with Virtual Fertility
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

Unable to have kids of your own? Can't afford it? Now you too can discover what it's like to live the adventure with a new computer interactive experience including vivid 3D motion and sound!

* The decibel level of your new baby's voicebox is higher than a jackhammer! (Stereo headphones supplied)

* Realistic burp sounds, including fart sounds so authentic you'll sniff the air!

* Watch as your baby says its first words: "Nin Ten Do."

* Dodge bullets as you try to get your baby to day care or nursery school!

* Run the gauntlet of red tape as you apply for welfare after baby has bankrupted you!

You've seen adventure games before, but this is the ultimate high-tech shocker soon to be supplied as standard software for Computers in the Schools. Call in your order today at this special pre-birth price of only $59.95. (Imagine what it would cost for a REAL baby!) Dial now, 1-900-WAA-AAAA. You'll be glad you did!


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
Joanne Schiffbauer
Jonathan Lowe
Saul S Smith

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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