October 2008 A Cynic Online Magazine Publication Volume 10 Issue 10
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 November 1st - 14th  October 1st - 14th  September 1st - 14th Editor: John Blackemire

Joe Biden: Patriotism Now Includes Not Reading Orwell or Huxley, Fellating Senators
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

In a policy speech during a conference entitled Statism and You: Together at Last, hosted by the Hegel Institute, Senator and Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden further expanded the list of activities that he now considers patriotic.

"If you don't worry about minutia like pork and just keep the dollars rolling in, that is

patriotic. If you triumph the virtues of feminism, as long as a woman tows the party line, that is patriotic. If you see an older, dignified Senator in the lounge of the Marriott and you decide to gratify him orally, that is patriotic. If you run a pizzeria, and you send me a free pie, then that, my friends, is patriotic."

While warmly received by the audience, Biden's expansion of patriotism has been well enumerated for sometime. He has given similar speeches to a gathering of the CIO, as the commencement speaker for Rice University in 2008, and in the lounge of the Des Moines Marriott during the primaries.

Originally adapted from a speech given by Neil Kinnock in the British House of Commons, it has become one of his best known applause lines. New to this speech was Biden's assertion that avoiding "pap" such as George Orwell's 1984 or Aldous Huxley's Brave New World was patriotic. While no official explanation for the new inclusion was given, anonymous sources close to the Senator attribute the change to Biden's recent epiphany that Ingsoc and World State were in fact the antagonists in their respective novels.


McCain to Debate Paris Hilton
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

In what has been termed his most substantive campaign move so far, presidential candidate John McCain accepted a challenge to face off against Paris Hilton in a series of two traditional debates, three town hall style meetings, two style meetings at other locations, and a banana-eating contest. Topics to be addressed include the wasting of the Hiltons' money, in which Paris Hilton is expected to have a slight edge; energy policy, in which Hilton's advantage is more pronounced; and overall self-debasement, in which Hilton, once considered a shoo-in, must watch her back as McCain swiftly narrows her lead through extensive use of attack ads and baseless claims.

On energy policy, Hilton spokeswoman Radisson London said, "The wrinkly dude's s-called Ďall-of-the-above approach' is really all about gas and nuclear. I think Paris knows a lot more about Ďall of the above,' since she's been both a top and a bottom."

Asked whether there were any points on which the two candidates agree, London quickly answered "Drilling. Wrinkly dude has said he wants to drill right here, right now, and I think there's no question that Paris wants to be drilled right here, right now."

Also in political debate news, Bill Clinton has canceled plans to face off against Nancy Reagan in a contest to see who can deliver the most tepid political endorsement. This debate was canceled after the opening salvos produced a clear winner. Hearing Clinton's comment that "You can argue that nobody is ready to be President," Reagan downgraded her endorsement of McCain from "Obviously this is the nominee" to "Older than dirt and every bit as qualified." Clinton then responded that Obama would be "At least as capable as the current president." Reagan was forced to admit that nothing in her arsenal could compete with that remark, at least in polite company.

Clinton's victory was unsurprising to most. He was widely perceived as the more motivated contestant, as Mrs. Reagan's dislike of McCain derives from his dumping her friend Carol McCain to marry a blonde heiress, while Clinton held Obama personally responsible for putting him in the unenviable position of living with Hillary after she lost the primary. "Why do you think I went to Rwanda?" Clinton asked a reporter.

Following his victory in the tepid-endorsement challenge, Clinton has returned to give strong support to the Obama campaign. It is unknown whether his endorsement required any special favors from Mr. Obama; the most likely scenario is that in an Obama administration Mrs. Clinton will become head of Health and Human Services, while Mr. Clinton will become ambassador to the French Riviera.

President Bush, meanwhile, has said that he doesn't understand the fuss about Clinton's earlier comments. In a rare moment of candor, Bush added, "I'm still not ready to be President."


McCain's Running Mate Withdraws From Race!
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

Governor Sarah Palin, Republican Governor of Alaska, and chosen running mate of John McCain, today announced that she is withdrawing her name from the Republican Presidential Ticket.

Citing personal reasons, her spokesperson told us that Palin, after much "soul searching," decided that this just wasn't the right time for her to take on such a challenge. And, even though the V.P. position is extremely enticing, she elected to step down.

Her spokesperson firmly denied that Palin's decision had anything to do with the very "negative press" she's been receiving concerning her "qualifications," or lack of!

McCain, obviously disappointed at the news, said in a brief statement that although Palin was his first choice, he was prepared for such an event.

And, he went on to say, he's had his eye on a lady named "Mary"; a clerk at the local "7-eleven." "Mary," he said, "is good people; a member of the VFW for twenty years, a "Den Mother" for troop 29, and, to add to her resume, a school crossing guard...doesn't get any better than that!"

"Mary brings to the table, a real "Middle America Perspective."

A press conference is set for 4 P.M. At which time, McCain will introduce "Mary" to his constituents, and America!

McCain said "I really like the sound of 'McCain and Mary'...'McCain and Mary'...yeah, I like it"!


Blair Witch 3 Cassette Found
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

An audio cassette apparently dropped by the missing director of the third Blair Witch Project sequel has been found in the woods in northern California. Here is a transcript: "Look, I couldn't get Cruise, Willis, or even Pee Wee, so I went with unknowns. . . shot the thing for twenty grand with a hand held camera, okay? Spent the remaining nine hundred eighty grand on advertising, just like you told me. So WHY are your producers hunting me with crossbows? Is it my fault we bombed on opening night? We only had a hundred screens, for God's sake! Without Bruce's cameo and nineteen mill for TV ads in the major markets we didn't have a prayer of surviving the first weekend! Hello!" What's heard next on the tape cannot be explained, but it sounds like arrows striking soft tissue. CSI--SIERRA NEVADA is now investigating.


No One Surprised When Local Man Arrested For Serial Murder
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

It came as a shock to absolutely no one when Xavier Tompkins, 42, Lincoln, NE, was arrested on suspicion of being the "Spine Rape Killer." According to friends, family, coworkers, and people who have sat next to him on the bus, they could easily imagine that Tompkins would perpetrate such a gruesome series of homicides.

Sgt. Clay Blair, LPD officer and cousin to Tompkins, remembers him as a creepy, antisocial child who unnerved all around him. "I wanted to arrest him as soon as I joined the force, but unfortunately there isn't a statute against being an eerie, psychopathic dude with way too much interest in horror films and a collection of knives." Sgt. Blair lamented the fact that it took the death of thirty-three prostitutes, strippers, coeds, and hobos to reach a conclusion that "anyone could see coming a mile away."

Mabel Tompkins, Xavier's elderly mother, expressed a sense of finality upon hearing the news. "I always wondered what awful, awful thing Xavy would do, and now I know. I'm relieved, I expected more something awfuler." Her thoughts and feelings about being the mother of a serial murderer, plus her award winning recipe for banana nut bread, will be recorded in a forthcoming book, set to be published by True Crime Presses early next year.

While the toll his horrendous crimes have taken on the community are just now coming to light, Tompkins' future appears to be as clearly defined as the rest of his life trajectory. A sensational trial will lead Tompkins to a death sentence, followed by a jailhouse marriage to a troubled female admirer with a severely shattered sense of self, ending with Tompkins living out his dream of dying after being shivved with a sharpened toothbrush.


Palin, Biden to Face Off in VP Death Match
By
David Sklar -- Contributing Author

The October 2nd vice-presidential face off, previously planned as a Town Hall--style debate at Washington University in St. Louis on PBS, will be replaced with a duel to the death on ESPN at the Wasilla Multi-Use Sports Complex in Wasilla, Alaska. This format is considered much more suitable to the pugilistic style of both Democratic candidate Joe Biden and Republican candidate Sarah Palin.

"I know how to field dress a Democrat," Palin bragged in the lead-up.

Biden's trash talk has also been described as impressive, although it took twenty minutes to deliver and could not be easily condensed.

This $15-million sports complex will be rechristened the Palindrome, after the former Wasilla mayor who fought for the sales tax increase and eminent-domain land grab that made this stadium possible. The Palindrome is home to a junior league hockey team and has also been known to host Track, Field, and the other three Palin kids.

The duel-to-the-death format has not been used for a high-profile political debate since Vice President Aaron Burr shot Congressman Alexander Hamilton in 1804, although current VP Dick Cheney did propose this format for his vice-presidential debates against Joe Lieberman and John Edwards. Democratic strategist James Carville has admitted that he now regrets having advised both candidates not to accept this challenge. Cheney, still itching for a face off, eventually shot the face off of Texas attorney Harry Whittington--possibly the most popular move of Cheney's career.

Prospective "Second Dude" Todd Palin, when asked whether it worried him that his wife would be squared off against a 6-foot man, answered, "I'm just glad she doesn't have to fight Hillary."

Still at issue are what weapons will be used in the vice presidential death match. Biden favors bare knuckles, while Palin would prefer hunting rifles. Presidential candidate John McCain has suggested a compromise in which each candidate uses the weapon of his or her choice--Biden's fists versus Palin's Remington. "That should cancel out the home-field advantage," said McCain. When arbiters suggested that this arrangement might have the opposite effect, McCain accused them of sexism and liberal bias, before canceling a scheduled appearance on CNN's Larry King Reanimated.

"Oh, and did I mention I was a POW?" McCain added.


Alec Baldwin Advocates Eating One's Pets
By
Jonathan Lowe -- Contributing Author

A decade after ending his relationship with Kim Basinger, actor Alec Baldwin has decided to run for President as the first candidate of the JUST DO IT Party. "Call me crazy as Kim," Baldwin said during his first press conference at the East Hampton Kennel Club, "but now that my head has cleared, I see what's wrong with the world, and how to fix it. First thing we do, see, is outlaw and barbecue all pets. We store half the freeze-dried meat in the event some Arab kook gets nuclear with us, and the other half will feed all those starving lice-infected folks in Africa who don't even have dog food to eat, just sand. The next thing we do is bomb Mecca. Finally, step three is we lop off the gonads of any deadbeat dads, repeat felony offenders, and Republicans caught with their pants down. Now, do I have your vote?" Everyone in the audience was aghast except for a VP of NIKE, who clapped and whistled.


Barbra Streisand Does King Kong
By
Joanne Schiffbauer -- Contributing Author

Barbra Streisand, award winning singer, actress, producer and director is taking on a project of epic proportion. She is doing a remake of the film classic "King Kong."

Ms. Streisand, always one to demand perfection, and having a reputation for wanting to control

everyone and everything in the universe, will be "hands on" during the entire process; from start

to finish.

So, to insure that things are exactly right, she will take on the daunting task of writing, directing,

producing, starring in, designing, and hand sewing all of the costumes, providing all of the catering services for the cast and crew AND, telling the "sun" when to come up in the morning, and when to go down in the evening.

She will "play" the title character, "King Kong." She will play the female character; previously played by Fay Wray, Jessica Lange and most recently by Naomi Watts.

She will also be playing all of the male characters; reminding me, that she was a "very believable" male in "Yentl."

And, of course, Ms. S will be doing all of her own stunts!

Filming will start whenever Ms. Streisand says it will!

After the filming is completed, Ms. Streisand will edit, promote, and write her own "movie review."

Ms. Streisand says that this article is finished!


Former High School Geek Still Waiting Internet Tycoon Status
By
Bill Shepherd -- Staff Writer

Gavin Manal, 27, Groves Pointe, AR, is reportedly still awaiting the fulfillment of the "software success" and "Internet millionaire" dreams that were his succor in high school. A former student in the University of Arkansas' computer science program and a long time Best Buys employee, Manal's hope of using wealth and influence gained in a "computer-y" way to efface years of degradation and to exact revenge on his tormentors still flicker unabated, despite no prospects of those dreams coming true.

"It's going to be sweet. Kallie (Kallie McCormick, fellow 1999 graduate of Lincoln High in Groves Pointe) will be waiting for me at my heliport in this low cut nightgown with a glass of cognac and a cigar. She'll say 'Sweety, will you take me out tonight?' And I'll say 'No, I need to wash my hair.'" A vignette of redemption centered on McCormick's rejection of Manal's advances in spring of 1997, he relishes the sense of superiority. Last night, Manal ate a Hungry Man frozen dinner while coding html for his Power Rangers fan sight.

"I'm totally going to have Craig (Craig Vance, belligerent next door neighbor and bully during their high school careers) be the maintenance man for my mansion. He'll spend all day scrubbing the steps near the carport, and I'll burn rubber in my Ferrari, kicking dust all over it." Manal drives a Geo Metro and is intimidated by athletic men, people of color, and most types of beetles.

Power fantasies, according to psychologist Barbara Lawton, author of Inside the Nerd's Mind, are a common coping mechanism for those thrust to the fringes of the social order. "Mr. Manal is clearly trying to invert his techno centric life, which bares most of the blame for his status as a pariah, as a means of dealing with his sense of being marginalized, thereby justifying that which holds him back on the interpersonal level."

When asked for her analysis of Manal's confidence that he will experience a "second puberty" that will correct his abnormally small penis, Dr. Lawton stated, "He's fucking crazy."


Frenetic Wanderings
By Jeff Swenson

Frenetic Wanderings appears courtesy of Jeff Swanson and www.the-cynic.com .
See more of Jeff's outstanding work at www.the-cynic.com .
 
 

Staff Writers:
Bill Shepherd

Contributing Writers:
David Sklar
Joanne Schiffbauer
Jonathan Lowe

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You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Widescreen Edition) DVD
But It From Amazon Today!




You Know
You Want It!
cover
The Star Wars Trilogy
(Full Screen Edition) DVD
Buy It From Amazon Today!
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